A Conundrum

Master is feeling switchy these days, and not simply in an erotic and exploratory sense.  He is flirting with the notion of entering into some fairly serious disciplinary and submissive SM activity with me as the Dominant/Top partner.  It isn't entirely new territory for us.  As long as we've known each other, our family has, at least nominally, subscribed to a power exchange model that we've called bDDsm.  For us, that acronym denotes a relational dynamic that includes the potential for "domestic discipline" to be included within the overarching BDSM practice that forms the foundation for our lives together.  Each member of our family is empowered to require accountability for behavior and choices from every other member of the household, and to implement disciplinary consequences if called for.  It is something that has been invoked over the years, although very rarely.

I know that the whole concept of switching is a touchy one within the BDSM community.  There are those who simply do not understand how anyone can move from submissive to Dominant or from sadist to masochist.  Some view the whole business with disdain, while others just dismiss it as some sort of "game" or pretend/play acting.  A similar response can be found in the gay and lesbian subculture with regard to the idea that someone might be bisexual.  So, even talking about switching feels a bit risky, but it is a growing factor in our current dynamic, and looks to be here to stay for the foreseeable future.

I am finding that navigating the depths and shoals of this recently re-invigorated switching dynamic is proving challenging both emotionally and intellectually. 

I can play the role of service Top for Master, and that feels just fine.  I'm more than competent with most of the implements in our collection, and I can read His reactions and responses with ease.  I can create a bottoming experience that is utterly safe and erotically stimulating for Him.  For me, that sort of play feels entirely congruent with our dynamic -- I am serving Him when I play with Him in that capacity. 

Too, I have no doubts at all about the FACT of His Dominance or the FACT of His sadism.  His occasional desire to experience the other side of the power exchange dynamic, or the other end of the sadomasochistic spectrum does not diminish or change the reality that He is, by His very nature, a Dominant and a sadist.  He has Dominant toes, and Dominant chest hairs, and at least one Dominant knee (I'm not as sure about the titanium one).  He is utterly, naturally, implacably Dominant.  Likewise, He does take great pleasure in spanking women, and He is happiest when that sort of play veers into the intense and extreme ranges.  He is what He is. 

Every now and then, however, it is as if some sort of season comes over Him.  He hasn't bee interested in bottoming for years, but now, He is in a more or less continual frenzy of wheedling and manipulating and conniving to get spanked.  He is eroticizing spanking as He has not done for years and years.  It is an interesting and rewarding adjunct to our play with one another, and one that we both enjoy.  We seem to be well into switching season -- for how long is anyone's guess. 

What is notably different this time around is that He is working His way through thinking about entering into a disciplinary dynamic with me as a path to achieving some health and behavioral changes.  That is new territory for us, and honestly, it scares me.  Disciplinary spanking and erotic SM play are not at all the same thing.  For spanking to be effective in creating behavior change, it has to be seriously aversive.  I know that to create the sort of behavioral change He's thinking about, I'd have to get pretty Draconian with Him, and that gives me pause. 

He would have to trust me to judge wisely; to hurt Him without harming Him; to guide Him through the process -- even when He reacts angrily or feels that it is all unfair.  Conversely, I will need to trust Him to keep the fact that I am acting in that disciplinary capacity separated from His feelings about me AS HIS SLAVE.  I do not want to believe that there is some sort of retaliatory component entering into our play.  I think that would break my heart. 

I know there are lots of people who will question if doing this sort of thing negates the M/s dynamic between us.  I am sure there will be people who will not be able to understand how we can move back and forth across these boundaries.  It surely does not fit the "usual" template for these kinds of relationships.  I don't care.  We've never done this in the "usual" way.  If we can come to a place where we really trust each other in this, then I think we will break new ground and explore new territory.  I think we are working our way along just now; each of us dealing with our own fears and doubts.  Knowing what we know about how our love works, I am sure we'll figure it out, and I believe we'll find a way to make it work for us both.

swan