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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

8/30/2010

Posting with Trepidation

I have been teetering back and forth about the wisdom of exposing much about this aspect of my/our life.

We have written, both swan and I recently, that I have returned, after a several year hiatus from switching roles in our SM power exchange, to my actively bottoming again. That dynamic has gone beyond my simply switching playfully to include my being corporally punished as a behavior support to help me achieve a behavior goal I am finding challenging, and that I need to control more effectively.

The issue is my alcohol consumption. I am hesitant to reveal this here in that each time this issue has arisen in our writing here it has resulted in a cascade or vitriolic comments by anonymous commenters and some even less that supportive or helpful comments from some of our more frequent correspondents here.

I think alcohol and our relationship to it is a difficult subject to discuss constructively especially for the demographics of this blog community. Most people who have been around BDSM for a while know that there is a higher incidence of alcoholism among people who practice BDSM. If you go to a BDSM conference you find in general that there are a higher than average number of smokers, a higher than average number of people in substance abuse recovery and/or actively abusing, and a higher than average number of morbidly obese people. If you had looked at me 10 years ago I fit that demographic stereotype perfectly. I was obese, heavily tobacco addicted, and used alcohol to excess on a regular basis. I have over the last decade managed to entirely end my tobacco consumption (tobacco free since January 2000), and my obesity ended once and for all with my loss of 160 pounds in 2009 after my gastric bypass surgery. The benefits for my health have been amazing for me.

I am determined now to get my drinking under control. Especially since my job loss, I have drank to excess regularly and daily. As I have written I have found my sudden career ending very difficult. I have experienced a range of emotions from fear for our future, to remorse, to ANGER, to depression, to feeling a sense of loss of control (loss of control I always a huge problem for me), and I have self-medicated with my good friend Jack Daniel. However, as I have written, this is not new behavior for me.

My drinking history since my gastric bypass has been "interesting." After my surgery I abstained entirely from any alcohol for seven months, which was a recommended time period by my medical team. Then I returned to drinking. A challenging aspect of all this is that after Rouen Y Gastric Bypass procedures alcohol you consume gets "dumped" into your blood stream in a "raw" form without the digestive processing a normal gastrointestinal system accomplishes when someone drinks alcohol. This intensifies the intoxicating effects of alcohol, and is particularly acute if one drinks rapidly. The other oddity is that the intoxicating effects of alcohol, while more acute after gastric bypass, are much more short lived than for "normal" people. It is estimated that even should you drink to excess after gastric bypass, if you stop drinking for 45 minutes you will be completely sober whereas, of course, if one drinks to excess normally sobriety takes much longer than that to achieve.

This is my last great health issue and I am determined to control it. Further more I am determined not to completely eliminate the behavior altogether as I did with smoking, but to moderate my consumption. I know this flies in the face of the belief system for many that total abstinence is the only acceptable option. That is not however my belief, intention, or goal.

We have established a limit on my drinking consumption and should I exceed it sue is empowered to do what she sees fit to punish me. This has happened once last Friday. One of the challenges in all this is that I am by nature very controlling..............Dominant. Disciplining, i. e., exerting external control on me is challenging. You need to be effective without causing me to tip over into defiance, which an almost reflexive response for me. In fact that happened last Thursday night. I reached my drink limit that evening and then became very defiant and announced that this whole issue of my having a drink limit is just stupid, I can do whatever the hell I want, and then quite rebelliously went ahead to exceed my drink limit. The next day swan and I discussed this whole business via email and IM while she was at school and she made it clear I was going to be punished. I had not been punished for years and years. I became quite emotionally upset. Having to give up control and accept that was difficult and quite frankly I was afraid. I have been very sadistic with swan at times in her discipline and I knew well she was quite competent and sincere about wanting to do this and to not having to correct me repeatedly. swan is, as you likely know, an educator. As she has put it frequently she does discipline professionally for a living, does not like that aspect of her career particularly other than that it is crucially necessary to achieve her goals, and particularly finds it egregious if she has to correct a behavior more than once. I was very afraid how severe she was going to be with me. I was feeling huge remorse, guilt, concern for how she was going to feel emotionally as she had to do this radical juxtapositioning of our power exchange etc.

Thank goodness she came home and, at my request, did not wait until Saturday to discipline me, as she had originally planned. At at my request she undertook to get "it" over with, seeing how emotional I was. As almost always happens for bottom partners, my punishment was not as severe as I had catastrophically imagined. It also was not a cake walk (25 severe licks with a rattan cane and several strokes afterwards with about a half dozen other high end severity implements to demonstrate for me just how much she could ratchet up the severity of my punishment should I make that necessary by my behavior.) I was relieved when it was over in that it had not been as harsh as I'd imagined. My pre-punishment emotions changed to feelings of huge gratitude to swan for her doing this in such a measured and serious way, while taking into account the feelings I was having. I felt, and have continued to feel, an intense reconnection with her since that time.

We had a nice weekend after that entertaining a couple of friends Saturday night (vanilla couple that has come to accept us in our polyamory) and with lots of playful erotic spanking between sue and I and lots of vanilla loving as well. Actually it was one of the happiest weekends we've had. And, BTW, no I did not violate my limits.

Then Sunday evening we settled in to watch some TV. For some reason I had a particularly intense desire to drink that night, and of course ran right into the limits that we have established. I did not violate the limits but I became like an angry child who could not have his way. I was aggravated, pouty, angry and on the verge of having an actual tantrum which thankfully I did not go to. While evenings with me drunk are not necessarily fun, this was not fun either, for either of us. I didn't behave angrily towards swan but just generally pissy. I knew this was not something she was doing to me, but rather, for me, at my request, as my slave. I also knew that last night at least had I not had the reinforcement available of inevitable punishment, were I to have violated my limit, I would have likely binged.

Unlike Friday night I did not become defiant, nor did I violate my limit. I simply was angry and passive aggressive about it, mostly making myself unhappy. I hate it when I cannot be in control. Of course the paradox is that when I drink too much I become out of control. Our disciplinary switching in this regard is my surrendering a degree of control to swan so she can help me gain much more important control over a serious health issue. As for my emotions last night, it is going to be up to me to choose how long I want to make myself unhappy because I CAN'T HAVE MY WAY............or for for me to recognize that not drinking to excess is my actually having me way. Stamping my foot and pouting is not a very adult or useful response. I'm lucky swan is wise enough to realize that I followed the behavior plan, and there is nothing in my plan that necessarily requires me to have to be happy about it.

So that is where we are in all this switching business. We have always been open about our lives here, good, bad and indifferent and this is just another example of that forthcomingness.

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

13 comments:

  1. Tom, I'm very happy you are addressing this significant issue in your life. It will make things so much happier and comfortable for you.

    One of the things that I learned about dealing with alcoholism is I drank because of specific emotions. If I dealt with the emotions involved, the urge to drink evaporated. I surmise this is true for all people who have an addiction process.

    You've already noticed difficult emotions, so I surmise that its emotions which are actually causing these urges to drink...Since it was Sunday night, I would hazard a guess that it was knowing that sue and T were going back to work the next morning and you'd be alone again.

    I would suggest that you consider having some morning volunteer responsibilities. Even an hour some place you'd enjoy helping would make such a difference. If you really enjoyed it, you'd likely not feel such a sense of loneliness about sue and T being at work each day. You'd feel useful to someone besides your family and it may lead to other very constructive experiences in your life that you can't know about just now.

    I am sure you'll attend to all this with success.

    As a switch myself, I don't find this at all odd or out of keeping with a real power exchange or your dominance.

    Everyone needs expertise when an issue is out of their control or is something about which they lack knowledge or skill. No one would say you aren't a dominant if you went to the doctor for a difficulty. They'd think you are being wise. That you've gone to an expert to help you with a behavior issue is only logical. That you are doing this with a woman you normally have another power exchange is utterly irrelevant to me.

    The one last thing I might suggest if you've got the least access to health care coverage is you might want to get a counselor to talk to. It is a healthy thing to not rely solely on your family for emotional support. Also having a person who is divorced from the situation can help you with things like identifying emotions that might be quite complex and triggered by rather complicated events and interactions that being in the midst of them could take a long time to tease free for the three of you. Its hard sometimes to see the trees for the woods. An outside expert whose specialty is emotional support seems like a logical solution to your difficulties right now.

    Blessings Tom! Hang in there...

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  2. Impish14:39 PM

    You are not going to get any judgements from me. It's not my place, I'm not perfect, and I don't think that's why you write here. I'm sorry you are struggling so. Those of us who find pleasure in seeking sensations do often love so many other pleasures as well. It's not unusual to not like limits as much, I guess. I'm not sure my plan would be the same, but you're a smart man. I'm sure you arrived at it with a good idea of your inner workings. If it doesn't work, I'm sure you'll change it. Good luck, thinking good supportive thoughts for you all...and I second Greenwoman, try to volunteer in some way. The four walls are your enemy!

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  4. My heart goes out to you with this problem.
    It is not easy especially trying to drink in moderation.
    I would second the idea of talking with a third party and trying some volunteer work just to get you going.
    Best of luck , it is a life long struggle.

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  5. I wish I had some awesome advice for you, but I'm afraid I don't. I recognized quite a bit of myself in your post...for instance the pouting and anger when Master tells me I cannot have another beer. I'm always glad the next morning that He made me stop, but to date I'm still unable to always control my childishness over being told 'no.' Good luck to you...I'm sure you'll succeed wonderfully.

    butterfly

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  6. For me, just having this post here makes it possible to talk about my own challenges in this endeavor we've embarked upon. I very much want to support and help You find Your way through this, Sir. I know there are going to be challenging and confusing and awkward days ahead, but I am also hopeful that we'll find ourselves, on the other side, with a whole host of benefits that we cannot imagine from this point. I know that there will be times I'll be uneasy in my role as disciplinarian, and I am sure there'll be times when You will find it easier to push against my control than to let me guide you -- even inside of the parameters of the plan we've constructed together. Being able to be honest about our triumphs and challenges means we'll be able to tap into the wisdom and support of our friends and readers. That can't be a bad thing. I know there are many members of our community who will be there to hold us up as we work on this last major health issue.

    You reminded me, just the other day, that when we first contemplated Your bariatric surgery, You felt that it represented the ultimate failure in terms of Your battle with obesity. It took time, and a great deal of learning, for us to come to understand that You did not fail in making that decision, but rather succeeded spectacularly in using the tools and strategies available to You to finally banish that problem from Your life. I am confident that You will do the same with Your overuse of alcohol, and I am proud of the courage You have shown in taking this on and being willing to stand in front of the world and share the process.

    I love You.
    Yours always and all ways,
    swan

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  7. Thank you for having the courage to share this new journey with us. If anyone can do this, the Heron clan can! abby

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  8. Hi Tom, I do think that those of us who indulge our sensuality, often indulge in other things. We love food, and sensation, and we have addictive personalities. But you have conquered other, harder adversaries and I am sure you will conquer this one.

    Perhaps you might consider writing about this on Herons Transforming? I don't know why exactly, but I found your story there very compelling. It was the first thing I read in the day when you were posting regularly there. And it seemed to help you, if you needed help, a fairly large audience of supportive friends.

    I find the switching unsettling. Obviously it is something that you are finding exciting and intriguing at the moment, but I can't help imagining myself and my Dom trying things like this and ... it seems like it just wouldn't work.

    So that made me think, could I do it like swan does if he wanted it? I hope so. I guess I probably could, and maybe could learn to find something in it. But what a huge shift in thinking it would be, not just to switch but to discipline him.

    I totally understand why you would feel scared, anxious about how she would punish, especially since, as you say, you tend to the sadistic in disciplining her. I am impressed at the way you express yourself, with your honesty about yourself here, about your feelings, your concerns.

    I don't have anything helpful at all to write on most of this. But if you guys keep writing it, I will keep reading.

    Good luck,
    Sin

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  9. I am always impressed by the courage you all have to share candidly and honestly about your lives here. It is easy for me to write about the good times and the sex and play, but the struggles, insecurities and failures are difficult to admit to. We all have our own struggles and failures, we are not all open and forthcoming about them. I know that the writing here is still but a snapshot of your lives, but it is a fair and balanced snapshot. Reading here gives me something to think about and also gives me courage in my own life.

    Your honest accounts, both good and bad, have allowed me to learn about and be accepting of things that have given me a knee-jerk reaction in the past. Sometimes, when things make us uncomfortable, we are quick to judge and condemn rather than try and understand. I have done it myself, even while keeping silent on my own skeletons. Your frankness and candor have contributed to my own willingness to write about some of my own difficulties recently. I thank you for that.

    I wish you all good luck with this endeavor. The past year has been extremely difficult for your whole family. I have kept you all fondly in my thoughts as I read of each hardship. It has also been a year of success, a slimmer, healthier clan and the fact that many of your trials have seemed to strengthen your love and relationship even more. I continue to dearly hold you in my thoughts and prayers (yes, I do buy into that whole mythos, but it is positive energy being sent your way). *smiles*

    All my best, Alice

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  10. Rhonda1:44 AM

    wow. While i have hopes for the best for all of you, i don't believe this is going to work. The punishment dynamic, as it relates to drinking, that is. It isn't all or nothing, to begin with, so i fear that swan is going to find herself beating against a brick wall, of sorts. Tom has already said it perfectly clearly...if he fucks up, then why not go all the way? This is something that is going to require outside help, and if that's not possible, then it's going to require acceptance, until Tom gets to the point that he's ready to quit this himself. None of us can make another stop drinking to excess...that's a personal choice. He did it for seven months. He can do it again. i fear for swan's well being here. i don't remember a time in the history of swan and Ton that swan had to deal with her own addictions viz a viz punishment. She had issues, of course, but not of the addictive nature. Would you have asked her to punish you if you hadn't been able to lose weight?

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  11. weirdgirl4:45 AM

    I commend you wholeheartedly for being so candid about the issues you face. As someone who is just over 4 years sober I wish you all strength and perseverence. I truly hope, for all of your sakes, that moderation is a successful outcome for you - for myself it always wound up back at the abyss...For me one drink is too many and a hundred, never enough...

    Thankyou for being so open about this, it is truly appreciated. All the best to you and the Clan.

    Kindest regards
    weirdgirl

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  12. Anonymous6:16 AM

    I agree with Rhonda here. I've been in Swan's position, of trying to get someone to stop drinking. It's just too hard to keep tabs on someone all the time, to make sure they're not drinking. What happens if Swan is out somewhere or away and you're tempted?

    I myself had to stop drinking a few years ago-I suffer from depression and would drink to just get rid of my feelings. I would be "fine" that night but then the next day, wake up more depressed than ever. It was hard to quit at first-I'm not going to lie. I resented the fact that my friends still could drink on a night out and I couldn't. But after a while, I did adjust, once I realised the benefits. I just realised that I was able to deal with situations much better and that my overall life was in better order. But that's just my experience. I hope it's at least somewhat encouraging to you :)

    I applaud you Tom on your honesty in this post. You don't have to battle this on you own, there is outside help. There's no shame in asking for help, we're all only human, we all have our limits. I need outside help with my depression so I can relate to this post.

    Good luck Tom and Swan :)

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  13. Anonymous11:54 AM

    Good for you Tom! Thank you for being so open and honest. Don't listen to the nay-sayers, persevere, and you will conquer this, just like you have conquered so many other imposing issues.

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