Taking Stock of A Summer of Sudden Immersion Cessation

This is a rare experience..........my writing here. It is not that I have never been a contributor here. Certainly I have, but easily 95% of what is here was authored by my swan. Perhaps now that I am unemployed I will write more.

My life (ergo our three lives) are in transition. I have become unemployed since mid June. We are surviving financially as a result of unemployment benefits, and significant changes overseen by swan in her role in our family which we laughingly call the "checkbook Nazi." We have survived the summer and have even entertained guests and taken a brief vacation and we are still paying the bills, eating, getting medical care and doing fine, despite the loss of my professional income. Fortunately, in less than eight months I will be eligible to collect social security and that benefit doesn't offset against unemployment insurance benefits. When my unemployment eligibility ends I have a pension I will be able to collect. My retirement will not be as lucrative as I would have liked but I am afforded a good enough income which when combined with our other two allows us to continue our lifestyle relatively comfortably. I am frankly amazed.

We are at the end of our "summer" which is generally defined in our family as the period swan's school is out of session. What a summer it was! When the summer began I was still CEO of a nonprofit corporation that was in the midst of a serious budget crisis born of the economic woes we are all experiencing, and a seriously incompetent fiscal officer. A week and a half into the summer I was let go. June 15, 2010 was my first day of unemployment in 35 years. Three weeks later I collected my first ever government check. Now I know that it is unemployment insurance paid from a wage pool that I paid into in roughly 42 years of work, and not funded by taxes, but still I am getting weekly checks from a public agency for no work. It is a divergence.

Another key feature of this summer was our visit with morningstar. Her 10 day stay here was a gift. Our many conversations about every aspect of life, great and small, covered so much territory. I have felt a sort of drop since she returned home. Being immersed in her reality and her attention to ours, was a gift. The transition from that immersion to not communicating with her much at all feels like a loss, but not one I have done anything to remedy. It still seems odd to me when swan and I walk and come down the inclined sidewalk behind our condos to not see her on our patio reading a book and waving to us. I think sudden transitions from immersion are a theme for me as I write this. Beyond the gifts of morningstar's relating to us, she totally distracted me from the trauma of my job loss. We explored "tourist" aspects of our community which are quite enjoyable and inexpensive, which I had not paid attention to in the 11 and 1/2 years I've lived here.

Then there was swan's brother's visit. Swan had not seen him since before she came to us 8 and a 1/4 years ago. He had at first been judgemental and alienated from her in reaction to the life choice she made in becoming part of our family. Over time swan's very dysfunctional mother has managed to alienate swan's brother and just about all the rest of her family with her mean-spirited vitriol. It is sad to see someone so elderly so alone, but she drives even friends from her. swan's brother no longer feeling the need to choose between his mom and swan, has resumed the very close brother/sister relationship they had throughout their childhoods. It was a wonderful visit, and selfishly I might add, that he and I got on very well. He enjoyed all three of us, and lived with us in our 2 condos and our poly intentional family lifestyle and emerged "unscathed.":) What a huge success and a gift for both he and swan,

Then swan and I traveled to Denver and visited her son and daughter in law and her wonderful about 15 month old grandson. He is the cutest and most developmentally advanced boy. His parents are wonderful with him. It was great swan and I both got to see him. This likely would not have happened if I had not lost my job. The freedom of my unemployment made this trip possible. It was an intensive 6 days of traveling and relating but it was wonderful. As all trips do, this intensively immersive experience ended suddenly when we returned home.


T has had an intense summer too. Readers here will perhaps remember that her previous job was phased out of her organization, and she located a new position, working for the same company, but with a very rigorous over 3 month training period during which time off was restricted. Her previous job had been four ten-hour days. This new one returned her to a five day a week schedule, and reduced her pay. On the other hand, it reduced her commute to work to less than a mile, greatly reducing the costs of her going to work. She didn't accompany swan and I to Denver because she didn't have time off available to her. She also has been immersed in the experience of her Mom's disability due to the five strokes she has suffered and compounded by her lung disease, and has spent some weekends with her, providing her niece direct care relief and respite. On those weekends, swan and I usually "visit" our wife at her Mom's. It is an ironic experience.

At the beginning of this summer swan and I discovered a new family doctor we like. We three have all transitioned to his primary care practice. He very early on tested my testosterone levels. I have been receiving testosterone hormone replacement therapy for about eight or nine years. It turned out that what with me having lost 50% of my weight from my gastric bypass surgery in March 2009, I was, as they refer to it in sports, "juiced." No one intended for me to have hugely excessive testosterone levels, least of all me, but I, in fact, was on testosterone supplement to the point that is similar to the levels some baseball and other sports figures have gotten into trouble for taking illegitimately and illegally to enhance their physical development and sports performance. My level was above the level they are even able to measure. I then, with my doctor, discontinued my testosterone replacement therapy. I was tested after two weeks of discontinuation, and my level was essentially zero. They then put me back on the replacement therapy and two weeks later I was back to being off the charts on the high end again. I am now awaiting results of a test from being on half doses of testosterone to see if my levels have finally leveled off at a level that is "normal." This roller coaster from hugely excessive testosterone, to no testosterone, to where ever the hell it is I am now has put me through major changes physically and emotionally..............another emergence and transition from total immersion.

As all this has gone on, for some reason, and I haven't figured out why yet, I have developed "switch energy." Years ago I didn't do BDSM (adult consensual spanking and related arts) play only from the Top or Dominant end of the power exchange. I also "switched" to bottom in some play, i. e., to be spanked etc. Then about five years ago I lost any desire to ever be anything but a Top or Dominant partner. Suddenly I am interested in switching. I have not lost my Dominant basic personality. I have not lost my desire to be a sadistic Top, but I have returned to wanting to also bottom.........even to the point of receiving honest to goodness domestic discipline. I have gone from a complete immersion in Dominance as my BDSM role and my family relatedness to switching......another startling and sudden transition.

This past summer when I lost my job, I had not had a vacation in years. All of what time off I had from my all absorbing career had been medical leaves for the various surgeries and illnesses I've had. I loved being free, and since swan was off school, we were continuous companions loving, power walking, communicating, doing everything together. This past Tuesday school resumed. Her time for me has dropped significantly and suddenly. I am alone and unemployed and uncertain about my future, trying not to question my worth. Total immersion ends yet again. Even I can see the trend here:)

I am having a tough transition. I've had many others in my life and they have generally been beneficial. I am loved, and well, and fed, and when swan gets home today, we will take our power walk and get with t, have dinner, and our evening with us all together.

There was a song in my youth with lyrics, "The nights are forever without you." I would have to paraphrase that for my present reality, "The days are forever without you."

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.