We'd put some music on the CD player and He was awash in evocative memories stirred up by Joan Baez. He'd reconnected with one of the knives from His collection -- one that He hadn't seen for awhile, and He was entirely caught up in cleaning and polishing and sharpening. Under those circumstances, I can very quickly fade to invisible. The simple truth is that, there are places that He goes in His mind where I cannot follow; places where I cannot reach Him; places where He is entirely content and does not need me.
Honestly? I just hate that. It is a remarkably lonely and frustrating place to be.
As the minutes ticked away; as He sat there crooning softly to that knife; rocking to the rhythms of the music -- I wandered around trying to get things ready so that we might go off to bed. Tired. When, at last, everything was ready; I went to Him and suggested: "Honey, let's go to bed and snuggle -- I'm so tired..."
The next day, out walking, I suggested to Him that it was not very romantic to wave off a woman (as she is trying to get you into bed) as if she were a BUG. He was unimpressed. He just chuckled and replied, "I'm sorry for treating you like a slave." THUNK!
And there it is. The fact is that He can "treat me like a slave." That is the deal. There is no requirement for kindness, respect, tenderness, romance, affection, regard, sensitivity, or gentleness. None of that "stuff" is part of what a Master must do for a slave. I get it. I understand. I even accomodate the times when that is the reality.
But I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't do a thing for me erotically. Not my thing. Really.
So. Maybe I'm not "a slave." Probably not. I am His, and I will do whatever works to make Him happy, and I will obey, and I will serve. I have come to trust that He loves me. I have come to believe that being His will get me returns in affection and loving regard. Even as He plays with me sadomasochistically, I want that romance and tenderness. I really don't want to live without it -- not for long.
So. What does that mean? Has everything changed? Has nothing at all changed? Has it always been this way, and I've just come to the place where I am ready and willing to say it plainly? Maybe so.
His. I'm not sure how to describe His what, but I feel just as confirmed as ever in terms of my sense of belonging to Him. I hope that whatever it is that I am for Him, it meets His needs, fulfills His desires, and makes it as happy as it makes me. I also hope that I never reach the point where I am nothing more to Him than a "pesky housefly."
swan
As you know, I'm not a lover of labels and so, when I've been asked, in a D/s context, what I am, I have invariably answered 'I am his'. If pushed to answer 'his what?, His slave? his submissive? his playmate? his toy? his woman?', I've said 'yes'. I accept that's frustrating for those who like labels, but I see being able to adapt to a very fluid 'job description' as a strength, and a key part of what makes what we have between us work.
ReplyDeleteI would agree the times he's doing his own thing and I'm not on his radar can sometimes be lonely and frustrating, but I've learned that I too need some 'me' time, and so seize those moments as my opportunity to indulge myself in things he has no interest in. Its turns a win/lose situation into a win/win situation....and we like those.
He may wave you away from time to time, but I'm sure you can trust the only swatting he'll do will be to your behind!
love and hugs xxx
So. Maybe I'm not "a slave." Probably not.
ReplyDeleteI am His, and I will do whatever works to make Him happy, and I will obey, and I will serve. I have come to trust that He loves me. I have come to believe that being His will get me returns in affection and loving regard. Even as He plays with me sadomasochistically, I want that romance and tenderness. I really don't want to live without it -- not for long.
I believe the two statements are incompatible. If you can say the second statement, that sounds like any slave that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing or reading about.
Housefly..never...i am His...that is how i feel..for others sake, i identify myself as submissive. But truth..i am His..that is enough.
ReplyDeleteAbby
Swan, I don't know if this is going to make things better or worse, but he was also treating you LIKE A SPOUSE. There are times where you just tune out, do your own thing, want the other person to let you alone in your world, and go on to bed or not. My husband and I do it at different times, not too often, but yeah, the safety of what we have lets us feel that way sometimes without threatening anything. Because of the nature of your relationship, it only goes one way - I hate to think what would happen if you tried that with Tom, but perhaps it will feel better if you think of it that way. I hate it when he does it to me, he hates it when I do it to him, but when we stand back and really look at it, that private inner time is precious when it's working.
ReplyDeleteTo me, in my unslave like being, I think as long as you are meeting His definition of "slave" thats all that really matters. Is He still happy with your service, your behavior, your demeanor? As long as He is happy with the slave you are, than it is no matter what anyone else thinks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteDear swan,
ReplyDeletei smiled while reading your post. Something similar happened to me a while ago when Master was busy doing something late at night and after i had asked and got permission to go to bed, i asked permission to kiss Him good night. His answer was a simple "NO".
Stunned i whispered "good night Master" and went to bed, feeling very very lonely.
Yes, it was a very good reminder that i am His (whatever).
cassie
I've been reading your blog for, maybe a couple of months. I really appreciate your take on things, especially the way your relationship with Him is so much alike yet so different than most M/s relationships. This one made me pause.
ReplyDeleteI, too, battle with labels. Mostly because I am relatively new to my submissive side and have been challenged embracing it. But the first word of your last paragraph hit the nail on the head, I think. You're His. And really, what need is there to be any more than that?
Thanks for the blog!
-Iris
The fact is, you are my slave. I love that, and thank godhat fact, as do you. That will not change as long as both of us have breath.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was, quite frankly, self-absorbed (or knife-absorbed,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,there is little difference between the two states for me) and not as focused on you as I might have been, or might even have wanted to be.
You are mine and I love you more than life. I am into my knives and the 60's /70's music songs transport me to a time for which my knives symbolize the conflict, and cutting away of the past. They are hugely evocative historical stimulants for me.
I prefer if I hurt you to do it quite intentionally. I am sorry you found this painful.
This was not intentional.
I will clarify my intent more carefully in the future.
I love yohu,
Go confidently in the direcrtion of your dreams,
Your are mine,
Always and All Ways,
Tom