Domestic Discipline -- A Case Study

We have consistently said that our dynamic includes elements of Domestic Discipline as it is understood within the context of our overarching BDSM lifestyle.  Too, we've described our practice of switching with one another disciplinarily.  That sometimes stands our normal power dynamic on its head.  It necessitates the very real transfer of power from Him back to me, and that presents a variety of challenges

Actually, we are tentative about laying claim to the domestic discipline label.  Far too many people have a very simplistic view of how that sort of power exchange works -- or should work.  Most confuse discipline with punishment, and the fact is that DD most often gets twisted into a convoluted dance that is almost entirely focused on finding reasons to punish, or finding ways to goad the partner into punishing.  When that happens, the dynamic devolves into a game that is manipulative and dishonest at some level. 

Still, we've maintained that there is a disciplinary element to our dynamic.  We've not invoked it very often, but we have never relinquished the potential to use it either.  We persist in believing that there is a place for disciplinary power exchange within our intimate and loving relationship, and we hold it to ourselves -- a relational tool to be used sparingly and carefully to forward our goals as individuals and as a family.  There must be, in our view of things, a way to use discipline positively within an adult relationship.  What I'll share in the rest of this entry, illustrates how we do that, and is shared here in that spirit.

As Master wrote, He and I have embarked on a process that we intend to have result in significant moderation of His use of alcohol.  We are both entirely clear that the drinking behavior has reached a level that is harmful on a number of levels -- certainly it is damaging His health, and putting an ongoing and unremitting strain on our relationship.  So we know we need to change that behavior pattern.  Neither of us are believers in the classic 12-step approach to managing addiction, and so we must find another way.

I am an educator with many years of experience.  Being a good educator necessarily encompasses the skills needed to establish and maintain positive discipline.  I know that I have really good instincts in this arena. 

With all of that, exerting control over my own Master, especially in a context where He is inclined to be resistant, unhappy, and difficult is a devilishly tricky proposition.  I'd be lying if I were to claim that I'm having an easy time maintaining that balance.

We've made a couple of passes at creating a plan for reducing and managing His drinking -- we have had Him recording how much He was drinking -- trying to understand what the "baseline" might be, we've proposed to limit the number of drinks He could have in an evening, we've talked about measuring volumes, round and round and round, falling into just about every possible pit we can find along the way.  It hasn't gone entirely smoothly.  Aw, hell!  It has been an unmitigated misery!

Last night was particularly ugly.  Our evening wasn't pleasant, and as the night wore on He became increasingly intoxicated and increasingly combative.  I was buffeted emotionally, despairing of ever being able to make any dent in this, sure that no matter what I tried to do, He would find a way to manipulate and twist whatever plan into a mockery.  By the time He finally drank Himself to unconsciousness I was exhausted, relieved, and completely beaten.

This morning dawned bleakly in our household.  I got up, showered, dressed, fixed the morning's drinks and food, packed my lunch, had a bit of breakfast and left for school.  We exchanged our normal hugs and pleasantries, but my heart was just not in it.  Honestly, I drove to school wondering if it made any sense at all for me to come back home this afternoon.  Then about 9:30, I got an email from Master.  It read --

I am so sorry about last night. I have been pondering it all morning as I walked. Part of me wants to say you shouldn't accept that behavior from me. It is one thing to be a disciplinarian and keep your eye on the ball of the behavior objective. On the other hand you should not be disrespected and emotionally abused and I am afraid I may have done that last night. I would not accept that behavior out of you.
Another theme in my head is that clearly I am still consuming too much alcohol. I really do think metering that alcohol.........actually measuring the quantities has to be crucial to the moderation of all this.
Another thing is I wonder if I do not just have to be permanently abstinent or at the least abstinent for a while. I recall … that there is a hormone that you have in your system to process alcohol. It is more prevalent the more you drink. That prevalence is the basis of alcohol tolerance. If you are abstinent for a period (I don't recall how long) it goes away until you drink again and then is secreted less … thus less tolerance. At the least maybe I should take some time off from drinking so that my resistance decreases.
I don't know exactly what to say or what to do. I just know I love you and don't want to hurt you. I am determined tonight will be very different.


I love you so much,  thank you.


Mine Always and All Ways,


Tom

It was, obviously, a first salvo in an attempt to mend fences, and I wasn't entirely ready to have my fences fooled with.  I responded in a short, and somewhat distant sounding email of my own --
I love You.
I am so glad to see you here.
I saw you for just a minute on IM, but then you were gone... :-(
I love You so much -- I really do. I hope you are OK.
The rest we can maybe work out given some time.


I love you.
Yours always and all ways.


sue

Then, later, during my planning period, we had an IM conversation. Here is the transcript of that talk:
Master: I didn't realize how soon 10:30 was coming up … I love you
Swan: I love You … please don't stop believing that
Master: I don't and won't
Swan: thank you
Master: did I say that too?
Swan: you said a lot …
Master: I am so sorry
Swan: and then things got just weird, babbling about all the people that I am hooked to on the internet and how you needed to do something to prove that I am still yours; talking about this woman who "used to be yours" -- like I wasn't even in the room
Master: I wonder which people those might be?
Swan: I asked that
Swan: you just told me I was being passive aggressive
Master: and I wonder who she would have been too
Master: I'm the passive aggressive
Swan: well
Swan: you drink
Swan: and then you aren't the same
Master: telling you to discipline me to quit drinking and then throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you to punish you
Master: I was pondering the wisdom of this thing this morning...
I am two people
Tom drunk
Tom sober
both share the same ass
so you really can punish both
Swan: I think that if we are going to make progress, we need to banish "Tom Drunk"
Master: and Tom sober wants you to do that
Swan: I have been contemplating -- I see three choices here. Maybe there are others, but what we're doing isn't working
Master: you think?
Master: what we are doing could work but we are not controlling volumn by just controlling the number of "glasses" regardless of the content of alcohol
Swan: I see three choices:
choice 1 -- we give this up. You get drunk every night. Your health goes to hell, but you would die happy
Master: likely I would not be happy
Swan: choice 2 -- you quit drinking; get sober and stay that way
Master: and live unhappy
Master: or behind door 3
Swan: choice 3 -- I pour your drinks and I say when you are done. Bartender has final say and no fussing when it is time to quit
Master: damn...........you are a toughy
Swan: you asked me to take control
Master: and I bet I know what happens when I get fussy
Master: well I did
Master: and that would be control
Swan: you don't need to decide now
Swan: think about it
Master: I like it
Swan: I just won't do what we've been doing anymore
Master: well I don't "like it"
Swan: I have no control and all the shit that you can heap on my head every night
Master: but I think it has promise for moderation
Swan: you are still there during the day
Swan: you could surely cheat all day long
Master: and if we were in social situations you'd appear to be being submissive getting me my drinks
Swan: but I can look at you and tell when you've had too much
Swan: and that would be it
Swan: no roaring
Swan: no staggering
Swan: no combative nastiness
Master: OK thank you
Swan: no weird non-conversations
Master: no absolute abstinence
Swan: just "the bar is closed," Sir
Swan: no abstinence
Master: thank you
Swan: maybe a chance to establish what moderation looks like and feels like
Swan: for all of us
Master: damn! you are so smart
Swan: I love You
Master: I love you and thank you
Swan: you are welcome
Swan: yours....
Swan: always and all ways
Master: and I don't have to get beaten for being as awful as I was last night
Master: thank you
Swan: no
Master: mine always and all ways
Swan: and I don't have to engage in a fruitless exercise in pointless sadism
Swan: because once you've had "enough" to drink, you can't make judgments that lead to controlling this
Master: thank you so much
Swan: I love You
Swan: I was afraid you would hate me for this approach
Swan: I am so relieved
Swan: you seem relieved, too

I think there is a fair amount of material there that is potentially "instructive" to someone who really does want to engage in a disciplinary dynamic.  It isn't just a game to create an opportunity for spankning.  It takes strength and courage and integrity and more than just a bit of intellect.  To  create effective discipline requires some sort of ability to think critically about whatever IS.  A good disciplinarian describes the problem, asks the deep questions that help to define what is causing the problem, and then formulates viable solutions.  You can give any idiot a paddle (or more commonly in DD relationships, a belt or a wooden kitchen tool) and turn them lose.  That is not discipline. 

We will, of course, implement corporal discipline as it is required through this process.  We have, in fact, done that this very evening.  I can't write that story just now.  Perhaps tomorrow.

swan