One more time... Back to that Limits Question

As I talked my way through the ideas around obligations and responsibilities, and limits a few posts back, I posited the notion that there is a "responsibility" for me to protect His property. Specifically, I told of an incident in which I opted to not participate in SM play under conditions where I judged it unsafe to do so. That is certainly not the norm within the context of our dynamic.

Still, kaya, wondered about it in this comment, and asked a number of questions. They are, perhaps questions that others may have asked as well. I'm not sure that there are answers that anyone will understand, but I will give the truth of my life and my heart.

...had your Master NOT been under the influence, would you...have ...bent over and taken it?
I most certainly would have. This is not a question or a discussion item within our dynamic.

...The difference, of course, is the alcohol. ...the 'one in charge' that night wasn't your Master, it was the bottle. I see your refusal to participate as not so much a refusal to *him* as a refusal to be submissive to the alcohol.
There is some truth to this. The reality is that it was clear to me on this occasion that He was not aware enough of the "reality" of the situation to judge accurately. I believed then, and I still do, that had He been capable of making the judgement, He would have never engaged me in play that night.
On the other hand, I want to make it clear that He and I have played on many occasions when He was "under the influence" as kaya puts it. I am aware that this goes against the conventional wisdom -- that one should never play if there has been any use of alcohol or drugs. I've felt safe in His hands even when some might have felt we should not have ventured to play under the circumstances. So, I'd argue that the alcohol was not the entire issue this night, but a lack of capacity. Whether we like it or not, as slaves, we must deal with the reality that there may be times when those we serve may have limited capacities for a variety of reasons. Our fears (or fantasies) about that possibility must not keep us from dealing with our role in that eventuality.
He expects me to submit. He also expects me to use my intelligence, and to give Him all of who I am. Sometimes, that expectation places me in the position of offering Him the challenge of a slave who thinks. I believe that He and I are fully up to that challenge.

What would you do then, if what He was asking (ordering) you to do was still something that frightened you, but was ordered with every one of His mental facilities intact and functional?
This is surely not really a question. I've been frightened before and will probably be frightened again. I will tell Him about the places where I am fearful and He will judge that and deal with it as it comes about.

In the end, I suspect this entire internal dialog that I've been having with myself is about the kind of dynamic we have. It is easy to believe that the way your dynamic works is the way everyone else's works. That is just not the fact. I am His; His slave; His property; His lover; His playmate; His companion; His confidante... He does expect me to submit, to follow, to obey, to serve, to honor, and to respect Him completely and fully. He also expects me to use my skills and my assets and my abilities to complete and fulfill our lives together. I think He appreciates my intellect and expects me to use it. Ultimately, I imagine that He and I will stand in the world as One, joined so fully that my will and thinking merges entirely with His. That is, I believe different in significant degree from a dynamic which seeks to obliterate the "self" with which I came to this relationship. I understand that He could choose to break and erase my selfhood -- reducing me to a "nothing" and an "object." That is not the goal or fantasy that He and I pursue. Ours is a path of engagement and lifelong coming into closer connectedness. I understand and acknowledge that not everyone who enters into an M/s dynamic sees their lives in that context, and that is fine. We are each journeying as we must.

This is awkwardly done... It is as close as I can get at this point.

swan