Wishing in the Dark

Alarm clocks.

He and I awaken in stages during the week -- grudgingly. We cling to sleep -- and to the minutes that we can stay wrapped up in one another -- until the very last possible moment. The longer the school year goes on, the later that moment gets to be... That is why there are two alarm clocks each weekday morning; one that sounds at 5:00 AM and a second that goes off at 5:30. Once I shut off the second one, I tend to snuggle back in with Him for another twenty minutes or so, until I drag myself, unwillingly, from His arms to begin the day.

In the last few weeks, however, my body has begun to respond to another "alarm clock." More and more often, in these days, I am awakening in the pre-dawn hours to the jangling of hot flashes, regular as clockwork, somewhere around 3:30 or 4:00 AM. One minute, I am sleeping soundly, tucked into the safety of His chest, and the next I am melting in the tropical heat that only I can sense... It is the part of the price that I am paying for opting to go it without the hormones and the almost daily migraines that they seemed to cause.

Four o'clock in the morning is an interesting time. It is dark and quiet. Sometimes I simply curl up into His warmth and go back to sleep, but if not, I can lie there and think. I can listen to the sounds He makes as He sleeps. There have been times, in the past, when I would lie in the dark and get myself all wound into a tizzy...

This morning, I awakened to desire. All I wanted, as the darkness swirled about and He breathed evenly next to me, was for Him to take me and spank me, and then make love to me. My skin was alive, warm and vibrant, and I wanted Him with every ounce of my being.

But He was sleeping so tenderly and so peacefully. And I knew that, while in some sense He'd have been thrilled, He needed the sleep. Rest is so much a premium commodity around here, and it has been such a difficult week...

So, I had the little conversation with myself about NEEDS vs. WANTS, and determined that just because I wanted a spanking, and just because this "wanting" is newly returned, and just because I am thrilled to be alive and well, and just because... Well, you gat the idea...

Eventually, I calmed down and snuggled myself back to sleep. Eventually the alarms (the clock-based ones) started going off. Eventually He really did wake up, and I was able to tell Him about my early morning wishing... He was immediately excited for the news, sad that I'd left Him sleep, and glad for the extra sleep at the same time. The weekend will come and we'll have the chance to catch up. It won't be the same, of course, but there we are... Good to know that there is that dark wishing beginning to happen...

swan