Understanding Some Things

Both mel and morningstar offered me interpretations of the destruction of the paddle that have helped me think a bit more clearly about the whole event. Their thinking about it has been helpful, partly because I have had trouble getting a clear sense of it for myself -- the actual incident happened so quickly (and I was in such a blind panic and rage) that I really do not have any mental pictures to look back at as I consider it all.

They focus on the destructive moment as an ending of a long period of resentment and frustration that has had me "stuck" for the last two years. That feels true and wise and useful in terms of interpreting this. It doesn't excuse my actions, of course, but it helps me think about where I've been and what I've been doing.

I believe that this falls into the realm of what I understand to be a spiritual "epiphany;" that flash of understanding or realization that sometimes occurs out of swirling chaos or confusion (for me at least). Here are definitions of the term that I was able to find (exclusive of the Christian scriptural "date" meaning):

Epiphany --
a. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of
something.
b. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden
intuitive realization

I've spent almost two years slowly losing everything that I once identified as essential to my identity, and surely as integral to my slave-self. One by one, I've let go of, or pushed away the bits and pieces of my life that were once proud and cherished attributes of who I was when I came to Him five years ago...ability to submit, my power to manage and embrace pain, my femininity, my sexual responsiveness, my joyful heart, my generous spirit, my sense of peace and tranquility, my trust, my faith... I've grown angry, bitter, fearful, timid, resentful, guarded, cold, distant, suspicious, mean, sad, and depressed... Through it all, I've wondered what happened, wondered how to reverse it all, railed at the unfairness of everything. AND, in my heart of hearts, I've blamed a good bit of it on Him; wanted Him to come and find me where I was sitting there, lost and afraid by the side of the road, hoping someone would find me and hold me and tell me that I was still OK and still worthwhile and still "theirs."

Of course, as I sank into the darkness, I could never actually say any of that. And the further I got from the woman He came to love, the harder it was for Him to stay connected -- a viscious circle... He kept prescribing spankings, but without the information He needed about what was really going on in my head, and without me having the information to share... we never got off dead center with that notion. To be fair, the picture has been pretty cloudy along the way. There have been real health issues, and real work issues, and real life stressors. Not all of this has been me just being randomly nuts... Still, I can get fairly sincerely crazy all by myself without a whole lot of extra input if you don't watch me carefully, and for awhile there, He got out of the habit of watching me... Put it all together, and we were off to the races.

The broken paddle stopped us both. Cold. It was such a stark moment. It was visceral on so many sensory levels -- sound, texture, visual... In that instant, all the air left the room, and our world stopped and stood absolutely still. What has been termed "reset" is literally that for the two of us.

This last week DOES feel like a re-birth to me. I feel newly formed. Newly sure and newly strong; newly soft and newly safe. To be sure, I am still intensely and deeply imbedded in a regimen that He is directing and guiding, and it is not at all light or "easy." However, I am not finding it onerous or anxiety producing. Instead it is building a sense of comfort, place and certainty within me that has been missing for many, many months. Whatever He asks for or presents me with, feels good and affirming and real and positive. I can't tell you when that was really true in the last year or so. And, I am feeling sexy again. It is as if that part of me had been locked away and is now released to play again. I want Him and want to be with Him and want to be touched by Him. My responses are awakening, and I am in awe -- and there are NO chemicals creating that effect!

If this continues, it may be that this old bird will become not a swan but a phoenix...

swan