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Response to Swan's "Taking Off The Mask" Post

Immediately following this post is a post swan wrote last evening questioning her role as a “slave” in our relationship, as a result of her undertaking, at my command, to corporally discipline me as I have struggled with changing my relationship to alcohol. Please take the time to read, “Taking Off The Mask” and subsequent reader comments to that post, in order to understand the context of the post below:

swan, just as as we always conclude all our communications with each other, you are Mine Always and All Ways. Those words are not just a slogan. They are an affirmation of our reality............of a fact. That has never changed. Recently it has evolved.

elle, thank you for your affirmation of Alice's comment and for your returning here to be so supportive.

Alice, when I read swan's post last night as we went to bed, I began to think of the comment I wanted to make in response. I was amazed to awaken, sign in here, and find it articulated almost as I planned it. Thank you, my friend, our friend, you "nailed" it:)

swan, we are changing and evolving. Most power exchange relationships we read about on the Interweb have at best 4 year duration in terms of BDSM, DD, and power exchange. Ours has endured far longer and further into our maturity as well, in that we started our time together later in life than most. We are therefore different. Over time relationships become more complex, sophisticated, and dynamic. They do not simplify.

If we live long enough, we experience further life passages. Our passages, at our stages of life, are different than those of barely post adolescent children in their 40's; and are certainly different than those in their 30's. None of these are any more or less significant or profound. They may be more or less difficult, depending on the individuals involved, and their circumstances. My evolutions are at times different from yours and t's, I think, at least at this point, just because of our three distinct ages, what with my being 61, your 55, and t's age 53 (my mere babe of a thing:)

I am undergoing a profound passage. I have in the past two years lost both parents, over 160 pounds, six major disease diagnoses, my career, am transitioning to retirement, and am now taking on ending, or significantly changing, a lifelong friendship with alcohol. It is curious, now that finally, thank goodness, our weather has transitioned to fall, is cooling, and we are finally getting some rain, my first reaction is to have a drink on the patio and start a fire in the grill, cook some beef, which I will enjoy with red wine for dinner. Without that pairing of food and drink, I find myself questioning if I want to even make the transition. As I type that I realize the absurdity of that statement, but it is, in fact, how I feel. It is not how, or what, I want to feel, or think I should feel. It is however my feeling.

A dynamic in my life, in my being innately Dominant, is that my thoughts and feelings have generally ruled my environment, my career, my relationships, and our relationship. The good news is that my thoughts and feelings becoming actualized has generally resulted in good things happening for me, for us, for others, even for our community. This is a trait that has served me well, and never better than when it brought me my relationships with you and t. Unfortunately too, my living by my thoughts and feelings brought me too acquiescence to oral gratifications that made me morbidly obese and has made me a problem drinker.

These last two years those key events I listed were not areas of my control. Had I been able to control it, my parents would still be alive and we would have them this upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas. As I type that, I am tearing up at the poignant sadness of that loss I couldn't control (even though I know how counter productive it would have been for my mom to still languish through her Alzheimer's Disease or for my Dad to continue his dialysis, struggling to attain his 93rd birthday. If I had been able to exert my control in this case it would have gratified me, and not been useful for either of my parents.) Certainly, I was not in control when I lost my job. Well, I was sort of, in that I proposed it in the interest of the agency, and in that when some of our Board tried to exploit me in my termination, I prevented them from doing that, and assured that we have the means to continue our lives economically, but those were moves that were well-played strategy at the end of a failed war. If my thoughts and feelings had been the basis of my future it would have not been this. Ironically it is turning out to be a much happier, healthier future than if I had been able to "control" the outcome in terms of my wants, feelings, and ego. When we did the gastric bypass surgery, my feelings and desires were to continue to eat, to celebrate my life as I always had, with food. I had just about celebrated myself out of the extent that whether I would still be here now, without my gastric bypass surgery, was likely realistically in question. I had to thwart my control by my emotions, habit, tradition, etc. to make that hugely lifesaving choice. That act was intellect flying massively in the face of emotion, want, need, habit, desire. It also was hugely difficult with massive post-operative infection, lengthy painful hospitalization, ileus, eventual subsequent bowel obstruction, more severe pain, a repeated bout of ileus, and then subsequent revolutionary upheaval in our dietary lifestyle for us all. Through all of these changes I was sustained, supported, and my success was enhanced by you and t. Without your dedication to me, we/I would not be where we are today. Had my wants and emotions and my immediate pleasure ruled the day, we would not be here, and I might well not be here.....literally.

Through all of these at times you were called upon to "serve" me in ways that are not what is classically called "submissive,” or what is typically thought of as the role of “slave.” At times the messages you told yourself about those experiences caused you to question who you were in our relationship, and who/what we were.

My change that was so necessary, involved my giving over control of my life to medical professionals, so I could have my present extreme healthiness........likely the most healthy I've been in my life. My needing to cede control in the near term to achieve long term CONTROL and good for us all created power exchange disruption. Now we revel in how great my strength was, and our strength was, in bringing my life into control and positive health. Now we have no doubts that somehow I was being less than Dominant in that process, though there were assuredly times in the process of "getting here" that we all had questions about that. We know that taking control of those issues was an act of great Dominance and that your role in supporting me was certainly an expression of our M/s relationship.

Now here we are again. Was I too act on my feelings, my wants, my desires; I would have whisky, and good red wine tonight, and peppermint schnapps, and kahlua. It would not be my intent, but what with the way my surgically altered GI system handles alcohol, I likely would wind up quite inebriated. I would be Dominant right? I'd be actualizing and gratifying my needs and wants and desires. Heck, it is arguable, that as my slave you would want me to be happy and gratified, so you “should” make me my drinks and bring them to me, and do whatever you needed to to support me once I was impaired. This is a model of M/s. Heck, it was our former model of M/s. I long to go back there.

I WILL NOT!!!! I/we both know that if I ever am able to drink again it will have to be in a very carefully controlled fashion, if it will be possible at all. Making this change like so many others we’ve made involves my giving over my control of what would immediately gratify me, in the interest of long term good. It has involved my directing you to move from your comfort zone, to use your strength to support me as I struggled emotionally and behaviorally through this. You get this intellectually. You are "freaked out" at the divergence of this reality from the fairy story model of M/s, we imagine.

Would you feel more comfortable in our M/s and your identity were we to go back to our reality of a month ago? I bet not.

Just as each of these has actually resulted in revolutionary changes, that have affirmed my control of life, and our M/s and love, so will this.

You question if you are a "good" slave or a slave at all. Few could sustain the juxtaposition of normalcy, to flip their relatedness in the near term to become more firmly ensconced in M/s long-term as you have. You are not a good "slave." You are the best and you do me the great honor of being mine! You are not an Internet model slave. You are a very strong wonderful, bright, caring, questioning struggling, mature, sexy, desirable woman whom I love.

I reaffirm you are MINE ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS! That will endure as long as I do.

I could say that I wish life were easier for us, however I suspect the only way for that to be true is for us not to continue to live. As we live and age there will continue to be changes and challenges.


P. S. I only request that if I mess up sincerely again and you have to discipline me.........couldn't you be just a little bit less effective at administering corporal punishment?:)Who would have imagined you'd learned such sadism. Where did you learn to be like that?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you Tom for your kind words. I was only speaking from my heart. I struggle too with worrying about doing "it" right, being good enough and fitting into this submissive role. I began reading here when J and I were just beginning. I was inexperienced and ignorant of many things. Most of what I thought I knew I had learned through reading blogs, most of it was the "one true way" to do this thing that we do. When I read here I found a candid honest account of your journey. I found people near my age, living real lives, loving each other. Swan taught me that there are no rules, that it is okay to follow your heart and your desires. I read about activities that I could not imagine doing (and some of them I still haven't). Most importantly, I learned that it is about love, relationship and devotion and that NO ONE else can tell you how to do it or tell you that your way is wrong. Her willingness to write about her doubts and struggles, along with the tribulations your family has endured, affirmed my own feelings and allowed me to find my way.

    Three years later, J and I are still together. Our relationship is strong, it has deepened and we are still finding our way. I am sure many people would look at us and tell us we are doing it wrong. All I know is it is right for us. I can only hope we can continue with the same level of love and devotion that your family seems to share.

    Thank you Herons, I send you my love, friendship and wish you the best.


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