For the first time in three days I am sitting here (and quite uncomfortably sitting by the way) and I am not ashamed of myself for the previous night's behavior. I think we turned a corner yesterday in terms of my accepting the need for swan to exert control and my not trying to resist and punish her for that. Yes I got my second severe punishment whipping last night in as many days for the previous night's behavior (when she called an end to my drinking the night before as we'd agreed I became enraged and was absolutely horrid) but I won't have to be whipped again tonight. I was quite good and we had a very good and loving close evening last night after a very nice dinner out with our t.
Crucial to this success was new information that I researched yesterday about the effects of alcohol on people who've had gastric by pass. I will fill you in on that in a later post but I wanted to fill in our friends here about how we are now and to thank you all for your huge support which has helped us all to get to this point.
I am going to try now (if I can figure out how to do it:) to post a an IM chat swan and I had this morning. It will further flesh out our present situation.
Raheretic: Hi there:)
Swan: Hi there :)
Swan: you are home
Raheretic: I just got home
Swan: that seems like it was quick :-)
Raheretic: I love you
Swan: I'm glad you are safe
Swan: I love you too -- lots
Raheretic: speedy little blue car
Swan: speedy little blue car driver
Raheretic: you should be proud of how you've helped me
Raheretic: thank you
Swan: I'm feeling good about what we are accomplishing with this
Swan: I'm not naive
Swan: I imagine we'll have some struggles still
Raheretic: and I am acutely aware of where the seat of learning is
Raheretic: I hope not
Swan: but now that you are clearer about what this is, I feel like we are working toward the same goals finally
Raheretic: I am so tired of it
Swan: me too
Raheretic: and I don't want to have to be punished more
Swan: and I have no desire to punish any further.
Raheretic: although please understand I am grateful to you for doing that too and taking it seriously
Raheretic: I don't think we would have gotten here without that aspect
Raheretic: of it
Swan: I do think it would be very good for you to write about what you've found about the physiology of this -- and also about your anger at having limits placed on you
Swan: not the same post of course!
Raheretic: I am looking forward to writing today
Raheretic: I have a lot to say
Swan: I think that is helping you
Raheretic: need to get it out
Raheretic: it has
Swan: get clear and stay clear
Raheretic: thank you
Swan: and it has engaged our circle more closely than anything we've written in a very long time
Swan: you are welcome
Raheretic: I am so sorry I treated you so horribly
Raheretic: I never want anyone to treat you like that
Swan: luckily I have a pretty secure ego structure
Swan: me either
Raheretic: ya think:)?
Swan: least of all -- you
Raheretic: and I think I need to be punished more for it
Raheretic: I hate that
Swan: I know you do
Swan: think that
Raheretic: but I cannot accept that having been done to you BY ME
Swan: somehow you've got a major atonement thing going on
Swan: are you sure you aren't Jewish?
Raheretic: THE WAILING WALL
Raheretic: the wailing bench
Swan: sorry-- I know it isn't funny
Raheretic: you spank me there again I'm wearing my jock
Raheretic: with its cup
Swan: protect the family jewels
Raheretic: it is good to joke about it
Raheretic: the family jewels sack
Swan: I have a hard time knowing how I'm supposed to feel or react from this side of the power balance
Raheretic: probably as you honestly feel
Swan: I keep thinking that you should submit/bottom in the same way I do -- and I think you may be thinking that way about me topping/dominating you
Raheretic: that would be a good post for you to write
Swan: neither of us do the other side in a way that either of us understands very well
Raheretic: so I am not bottoming like you
Raheretic: you are way more stoic, I actually was crying and screaming and begging when you whipped me Tuesday night, and close last night
Swan: nor submitting like me
Raheretic: so are you going to do a comparison contrast piece?
Swan: well I am way less inclined to be bratty, defiant, manipulative -- and I can hear myself thinking "what the hell is His problem?"
Swan: that may be part of my struggle
Raheretic: you find me waqy bratty and manipulative
Swan: I can't imagine acting the way you have -- as a submissive partner
Raheretic: I am not a submissive, but I am submitting
Swan: I'd imagine that YOU would find you way bratty and mainipulative
Swan: I think that is why this nudging toward higher end punishment
Swan: you wouldn't tolerate the behavior for a minute
Raheretic: I imagine your seat of learning would be throbbing too were that to occur
Swan: I'm imagining you would pitch my ass out the door
Raheretic: of course not and I won't tolerate your having received that behavior without consequence
Raheretic: no I would never do that
Swan: Dominant submission is such an interesting trick
Raheretic: I would have far better things to do with "your ass"
Raheretic: in response to that behavior
Swan: especially when it is being done by an "adult" male ;-)
Raheretic: I have been just like a bad willful 6 year old who needs spanking
Raheretic: and fortunately you have taken care of that detail admirablv
As I end this I am reminded of swan's favorite quote: "There is no such thing as an adult male. "
Go confidently in the directiion of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.