Three Steps Forward Then One Back

Last night, an evening that began well, went straight to hell when I drank too much and became an uncontrollable, belligerent, argumentative jerk. I am determined not to do this again, and that resolve is bolstered by the experience I insisted swan inflict this morning depicted below. To say we are all discouraged and saddened is understatement.

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

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Clearly, this is not going to be a simple or straightforward path. Just as we felt we might be moving in a positive direction, things went south as Master decided (for whatever reason -- or perhaps no reason at all) to simply throw all the guidelines and limits aside and drink way more than is healthy or sensible last evening. The result of that was entirely predictable, and the outcome was no surprise -- although knowing it is coming doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the event. When all the smoke cleared; when I finally got Him settled into bed; when the two of us fell into an exhausted and troubled sleep; the heartbreak was palpable. The bright, sunny September dawn seemed a cruel mockery this morning.

As to the agreed upon corporal punishment, I was adamant that it was unnecessary -- clearly there was no agreement in place, so no need to correct anything. He was insistent that the egregious behavior of the night before not go unpunished. Ultimately, He is still Master, and so I did as He directed. When it was done, He was devastated, and I was physically ill. We've been quiet this afternoon -- working to regroup and recover a bit; gentle and tentative with one another. We are sad, but looking at how we might begin again.

swan