Taking Off the Mask

In the last month, on three separate occasions, I took implements that He and I have used for SM play through all these years, and used them to severely punish my Master. 

I was obeying His command.

I was convinced that I was acting to save His life and our relationship.

I believed that we had reached a critical point, and that there was no other alternative.

Looking back, seeing where we were and where we are today, I am glad for the changes and happy that He has taken control of His life again.  I know that, had things continued as they were, the consequences for His health were likely to be pretty dire. 

All of that is true, so why do I still feel as if I have somehow violated all the rules, stepped completely out of my place, betrayed my promise?  Why do I think that I can hear all the "true slaves" turning and walking away from me -- recognizing me for a complete and total fraud?  Why do I feel so afraid that in "saving us" I have somehow destroyed us? 

Even He, no... especially and particularly and most importantly He ... speaks of our relationship, acknowledging the new and perhaps permanent ambiguity -- "whatever it is that we call what we are..."

My feelings are terribly mixed -- convinced that what I did was the right thing, but convicted in my mind of a great deception, a huge scam. 

I don't remember which of us first use the words "Master" and "slave."  It was such a long time ago.  I remember that we used them tentatively and only after a good while together.  When we first used those labels for ourselves, for the relationship dynamic we shared, it seemed good and true and right.  I've lived with that set of labels for over eight years, and it feels like an integral part of who I am.

And if I am not ... that, then what am I?  Where do I belong? 

swan