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Taking Off the Mask

In the last month, on three separate occasions, I took implements that He and I have used for SM play through all these years, and used them to severely punish my Master. 

I was obeying His command.

I was convinced that I was acting to save His life and our relationship.

I believed that we had reached a critical point, and that there was no other alternative.

Looking back, seeing where we were and where we are today, I am glad for the changes and happy that He has taken control of His life again.  I know that, had things continued as they were, the consequences for His health were likely to be pretty dire. 

All of that is true, so why do I still feel as if I have somehow violated all the rules, stepped completely out of my place, betrayed my promise?  Why do I think that I can hear all the "true slaves" turning and walking away from me -- recognizing me for a complete and total fraud?  Why do I feel so afraid that in "saving us" I have somehow destroyed us? 

Even He, no... especially and particularly and most importantly He ... speaks of our relationship, acknowledging the new and perhaps permanent ambiguity -- "whatever it is that we call what we are..."

My feelings are terribly mixed -- convinced that what I did was the right thing, but convicted in my mind of a great deception, a huge scam. 

I don't remember which of us first use the words "Master" and "slave."  It was such a long time ago.  I remember that we used them tentatively and only after a good while together.  When we first used those labels for ourselves, for the relationship dynamic we shared, it seemed good and true and right.  I've lived with that set of labels for over eight years, and it feels like an integral part of who I am.

And if I am not ... that, then what am I?  Where do I belong? 



  1. I do not believe that there are rules for what we do. There is no right way, just whatever way works best. From reading here, I know you feel this same way too. Often in life, roles change and evolve. Children sometimes have to become caretakers to parents. Partners may switch in roles of nurturing or taking charge. You acted on your love and concern for him, at his request. That doesn't seem to contradict your role or your promise. Do not look at your actions out of context, that is how lies and propaganda are constructed. You have never worried about how the "true slaves" viewed you before, I don't think you care about that now either.

    Words, labels are just identifiers and placeholders in our minds to signify what we decide they mean to us. You are still who you always have been, Swan, devoted to him and his service. Which is exactly what you were doing at that time. Just as you have worked through all the other changes and detours, you will work through this as well. Whatever it is that you call what you are, it is real and caring and committed, just as it's always been.

  2. My dear friend, I couldn't have put it any better than Alice has done. To me, there is no truer slave than one who serves in whatever capacity her Master her to....which is exactly what you have always done.

    I'm sorry I haven't been more vocally supportive while you've all been dealing with this, but I've needed to take a bit of time out. I hope you know though that you always all have my love and support, whether spoken or unspoken.

    love and hugs xxx

  3. are His.....i know it is not all that easy. But sometimes, when we get all confused, and seem to have no answers, it is best to get back to the most basic idea. You are His..always and allways.
    Alice said it very well!

  4. well I guess I am gonna go against the flow (one more time)

    I read this entry and have been mulling it over .. and over... and over again.

    It brought back something Warren said to me when I questioned why he didn't ask me to do bondage on him.. His answer - he was afraid it would change the dynamics of our relationship. I pooh poohed him .. and the idea.. thinking that if he wanted it.. and I was supposed to please him.. then it wouldn't change the dynamics.

    And I honestly believed that .. till I read this blog entry.

    I have admired your strength through this.. I admired your ability to switch (especially having witnessed it this summer) I admired your "slave-ness" (yeah yeah I know - it isn't a word - but I couldn't think of one better)

    But I think ..... if I was asked to do what you have been asked - and done..... that it would change how I felt inside. I wouldn't feel like the sub... I am not sure what I would feel like.. but I do believe I would be terribly conflicted.

    I think ... the operative word being "think"... that I understand what you are feeling... maybe even struggling with. As usual I have no answers only support for all of you...


  5. abby,as I was writing a post in response to this post from swan, you commented. Thank you for the affirmation, and for your reminder she is Mine Always and All Ways.

    Morningstar, the conflict you write about reflects back to swan her own feelings. What jumps out to me is your statement you would not feel like "the sub" in the relationship and how disorienting that would be.

    I don't believe in "the sub," "The Dom," "the Switch", etc. I think all of these are constructs based on some sort of pop-cultural mythos, that have no more validity than if we were Trekkies and had decided we wanted to pattern our lives after archetypical pop-cultural characters Captain Kirk or Lieutenant Uhura.

    We were certainly emulating those constructs in our very early days, but are now finding it is being who we are, as our lives evolve in reality within the context of our power exchange that matters to us. The power exchange has nothing to do with fitting the model of "the sub" of "The Master" It is rather that the realities of our lives have significant overlap with those constructs that makes it all work for us.

    I realize this is certainly now how all in the BDSM community see this and pattern this lives. Oh well their's is not the dream we are moving confidently to live:)

    Thank you for being here with us once again and again Happy Birthday!


    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

  6. Impish111:19 AM

    Swan, I think the way you feel reflects continued fatigue, concern for your Master's health, and the inevitable fear and uncertainty given the early stage you are in, over whether another problem that requires your action is headed your way. Hypervigilence is exhausting.

    At another time, I think you would be the first to scoff at a term like "true slave". It seems to me that the best slave is one who gives all of her self, and then some for her Master. Whe puts her own desires, feelings of comfort, and anything else on the line if it is necessary to defend her Master. That is indeed what you were doing. Your Master is safer and well pleased. Now, you have your usual battle with those little demon voices in your head. Sit them in separate chairs, and listen to them one at a time. You know what they are saying is not true. Maybe it all really boils down to: "yuch, I don't like it" - and, sigh, that's the life of a slave sometimes, mmm? You know where you belong, and you know what you are. It's just not always that great. Wish I could sit with you a bit for tea and share; we could both use it.

  7. swan,
    As I see it/read it, you've been doing what was asked of you by your Master.
    It never dawned on me to think otherwise.

    I second abby's post.
    Take a deep breath!


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