A little more than 7 years ago today a good friend contacted me and told me there was a man moving to Cincy. He was broken. His marriage was dissolving and his job had moved. He was relocating to an unknown community. He was a good guy with a great heart and never stopped talking. And she said he needed a friend. She told me to contact him. "Sure, I will when I get a chance." Was my response.... And a few days later she asked me if I had contacted him, and I hadn't, "Too busy" was my reply. She said I really needed to get in touch with this man and I said I would. And a week later she tracked me down and asked me again...and again....well, you get the drift, right? Well, she, being the Dominant that she is, said "Stop talking to me and write the damned email RIGHT NOW!!!"......so I did. And got a response from Tom. He was relocating to Cincy that week and starting his new job the following Monday and maybe we could meet that Sunday for dinner.
I had given up the search for the "ring and the white picket fence". I was destine to share a home with my best friend/mom and our cat. And I had figured that was ok. I had worked a difficult career and gave it up to come home. I was tired. I was not looking for anything more than a potential play-partner and friend. Someone for an occasional dinner and movie.... BOY! Was I wrong!!
We met the Sunday after he returned from a depressing trip back to visit his family for Thanksgiving. Half way between our two homes at an Olive Garden. We met at 6pm and left the restaurant at 10:30pm, after many glances from servers trying to go home, since they closed at 10. We talked about anything and everything. We had our entire lives in common. We found that my career followed him around as I traveled. I worked 9mos. about 1hr away from where he was born. He lived about 15mins. away from me when he was in high school and I was in grade school. His Dad and my Mom worked in the same building for several years. I lived in the same town with his parents for over a year during my travels. And finally, during my last stint as a restaurant manager, I probably assisted with their family for several meals, as I was managing a restaurant in the town where he and his family lived for many years and the restaurant was one of their favorites. Yet we had never met until that evening...but it seemed we had been together forever.
We spent weekends together. I lived in a town about an hour away and would work Monday thru' Friday and leave from work on Friday with the car packed with treats for Tom. And on Sunday evening, after dinner, I would drive back home to start it all over again.... and cry all the way home. He kept asking me to move in. And I kept saying "No." You see, he was not very comfortable alone. I didn't want to be a rebound. I wanted him to see that it was ok to be alone. That it wasn't so bad to have private time. And to know that I would always come back. Then, when he finally got comfy, I was offered a transfer to his town.....and I moved. We have been together ever since.
I am not lying when I say that Tom saved my life. We have discussed that before, but I owe my "Everything" to him. He give me strength when I just want to lay down. He has the most infectious laugh, it lights up the room. The best place in the entire world is snuggled in his arms, resting against his chest. My hand on his heart.
I am home. I am loved.
One of my favorite songs is "Sleep" by Melissa Etheridge
After your laughter like thunder
After your skin like coffee and cream
After it takes our bodies into the night
After we've come to the extreme
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heart beat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to your peace
And go to sleep
And when we've gone a million miles
Made true our dreams with sweat and bone
After we've built it up with our bare hands
Made strong a place we can call home
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heartbeat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to the peace
And go to sleep
And when the light in my eye is fading
When running water becomes too deep
Finally angels turn my fire to dust
And when my soul's no longer mine to keep
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heartbeat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to the peace
And just go to sleep
Mores & Mores,
T
11/29/2005
Seven
It is quiet here tonight. You wouldn't know to look at us that there is any reason to celebrate...
The realities of life are keeping things subdued here because Master has some heavy deadlines that simply have to be met, and there's no getting around it. So He's working His fingers to the bone and the household is quiet in the face of that necessity.
BUT... underneath the seriousness of that dire stress is a simple joy that comes from knowing that seven years ago tonight, in an Olive Garden restaurant, two of the dearest people on this planet met for the first time and began a conversation...
I've been told that they talked and talked and talked and talked. I can well believe it, and I am glad of it, because it is that joy in one another that blossomed and formed the foundation for the family that now embraces me as well...
So, even though our celebration is muted this night, make no mistake that I am thrilled at the love of my loves.
Happiest of 7th's, Dear One's. May you have many more years to tell the story of that very first magical night when eyes met and hearts touched and the hours passed, oh so very very slowly by...
I love you both.
swan
The realities of life are keeping things subdued here because Master has some heavy deadlines that simply have to be met, and there's no getting around it. So He's working His fingers to the bone and the household is quiet in the face of that necessity.
BUT... underneath the seriousness of that dire stress is a simple joy that comes from knowing that seven years ago tonight, in an Olive Garden restaurant, two of the dearest people on this planet met for the first time and began a conversation...
I've been told that they talked and talked and talked and talked. I can well believe it, and I am glad of it, because it is that joy in one another that blossomed and formed the foundation for the family that now embraces me as well...
So, even though our celebration is muted this night, make no mistake that I am thrilled at the love of my loves.
Happiest of 7th's, Dear One's. May you have many more years to tell the story of that very first magical night when eyes met and hearts touched and the hours passed, oh so very very slowly by...
I love you both.
swan
11/27/2005
Dad in My Dreams
I had my Dad in my dreams last night... He's been dead these 14 years.
My Dad, strong and Jack Kennedy handsome; played minor league baseball. My Dad, WWII vet who landed in the second wave at Normandy, never ever talked about his experiences there except in the most general terms. My Dad, with his high school education, read voraciously and could discuss nearly any topic -- he was one of the brightest men I've ever known. My Dad, who was shaped by the Depression, worked his whole life to make a life that was secure and sure; who waited for the time when he and my mother might retire and finally "enjoy" life -- who by the time he reached that promised day was so debilitated by the rheumatoid arthritis that finally killed him, couldn't enjoy anything much at all...
In my dreams last night there were two copies of my Dad. One for whom I waited in some sort of odd bus depot style surgery center, where patients were picked up at the "ticket counter," transported by ambulance to the surgical site, and returned to the waiting area when they were "done." The other Dad was there in the waiting room with me, well, and strong, and whole... The surgical patient Dad got suddenly dropped off, post-surgically, all dressed in clothes I remember him wearing quite often, seeming quite disoriented and very unsteady. The second Dad and I rushed out to him and helped support him into the waiting room and into a chair so that he could rest and recover his bearings... It all seemed quite matter of fact to me.
Dad was the hero and antagonist of my youth. He raised me on liberal, union-organizer politics, but then couldn't understand why I sympathized with the hippies that sprouted all over The Hill on the CU campus in Boulder, or why I insisted that it was only my too late February birthday that would keep me from voting for Eugene McCarthy in the election the year I turned 18. He taught me to hold a baseball bat, throw and catch a football, and cast a fishing line, insisted I attend an engineering college rather than a teachers' college, and yet couldn't fathom my feminist leanings. He read me bedtime stories, cleaned up vomit when I was ill as a child, and chased the nightmare spiders from my bed, and never ever once stopped my mother's abusive predations... He was and remains an absolute enigma...
He was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was in junior high school. I watched it take him apart piece by piece by piece. I saw him come home the day of the diagnosis, sit down in his rocking chair and decide that his life was over. My Dad taught me many, many things, but the most important, most lasting lesson he ever taught me is this -- life is precious and life is too damn short to waste it waiting for it to happen. It happens while we are planning it, while we are hoping for it, while we are wishing for the better opportunity. Life is for now. We are life, and joy and breath and love are here for the taking.
I don't know for sure what Dad #1 and Dad #2 were all about last night. I'd like to believe that the one who was there to help was intended as assurance that I'll always have the strength that I'll need for whatever comes, and that I've made the right choice in seizing the life that is here before me now. I feel like that is what He came to tell me last night.
swan
My Dad, strong and Jack Kennedy handsome; played minor league baseball. My Dad, WWII vet who landed in the second wave at Normandy, never ever talked about his experiences there except in the most general terms. My Dad, with his high school education, read voraciously and could discuss nearly any topic -- he was one of the brightest men I've ever known. My Dad, who was shaped by the Depression, worked his whole life to make a life that was secure and sure; who waited for the time when he and my mother might retire and finally "enjoy" life -- who by the time he reached that promised day was so debilitated by the rheumatoid arthritis that finally killed him, couldn't enjoy anything much at all...
In my dreams last night there were two copies of my Dad. One for whom I waited in some sort of odd bus depot style surgery center, where patients were picked up at the "ticket counter," transported by ambulance to the surgical site, and returned to the waiting area when they were "done." The other Dad was there in the waiting room with me, well, and strong, and whole... The surgical patient Dad got suddenly dropped off, post-surgically, all dressed in clothes I remember him wearing quite often, seeming quite disoriented and very unsteady. The second Dad and I rushed out to him and helped support him into the waiting room and into a chair so that he could rest and recover his bearings... It all seemed quite matter of fact to me.
Dad was the hero and antagonist of my youth. He raised me on liberal, union-organizer politics, but then couldn't understand why I sympathized with the hippies that sprouted all over The Hill on the CU campus in Boulder, or why I insisted that it was only my too late February birthday that would keep me from voting for Eugene McCarthy in the election the year I turned 18. He taught me to hold a baseball bat, throw and catch a football, and cast a fishing line, insisted I attend an engineering college rather than a teachers' college, and yet couldn't fathom my feminist leanings. He read me bedtime stories, cleaned up vomit when I was ill as a child, and chased the nightmare spiders from my bed, and never ever once stopped my mother's abusive predations... He was and remains an absolute enigma...
He was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was in junior high school. I watched it take him apart piece by piece by piece. I saw him come home the day of the diagnosis, sit down in his rocking chair and decide that his life was over. My Dad taught me many, many things, but the most important, most lasting lesson he ever taught me is this -- life is precious and life is too damn short to waste it waiting for it to happen. It happens while we are planning it, while we are hoping for it, while we are wishing for the better opportunity. Life is for now. We are life, and joy and breath and love are here for the taking.
I don't know for sure what Dad #1 and Dad #2 were all about last night. I'd like to believe that the one who was there to help was intended as assurance that I'll always have the strength that I'll need for whatever comes, and that I've made the right choice in seizing the life that is here before me now. I feel like that is what He came to tell me last night.
swan
11/25/2005
In My Head
I've had time to think here lately. Not that life hasn't been busy, but... There's time.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe most slaves come around periodically to the question of "why." The simple reality is that beyond the first flush of gee whiz excitement that goes with the drop into "the lifestyle," anyone who does consensual slavery is doing something way deeper and way more serious than a sexually titillating activity. I hesitate to label this as some heavy spiritual path, but there is discipline to slavery; there is time invested, there is the point at which self-will must ultimately relinquish standing in favor of the Other.
I'm feeling myself in an almost "aesthetic" place. I've told myself, for awhile, that it was a phase, a stage, a passage created and caused by external factors that would eventually pass -- that, ultimately, things would turn around and I'd find myself back in a place where life would resume some sort of high-end sensual level that I recall with some nostalgia and fondness. But maybe not. Perhaps the path is headed in a different direction. Maybe, for me, that sensual path was a path that was headed, Icarus-style, too near the sun. Maybe, slavery is more quiet and more refined.
In searching "aestheticism," I found this interesting post on "Ambiguous Squiggle" http://mysticsquiggle.blogspot.com/2005/02/aesceticism.html . I'm not sure if I entirely agree with the premise here, or if I even completely understand it, but there may be something there. I do think that I "get" the part about aestheticism" being a "training for the mind." Like it or not, when the body cannot have all it wants, the mind comes to heel, comes to a point of attentiveness and quiet waiting.
Slavery. Waiting. Quiet.
swan
Maybe it's just me, or maybe most slaves come around periodically to the question of "why." The simple reality is that beyond the first flush of gee whiz excitement that goes with the drop into "the lifestyle," anyone who does consensual slavery is doing something way deeper and way more serious than a sexually titillating activity. I hesitate to label this as some heavy spiritual path, but there is discipline to slavery; there is time invested, there is the point at which self-will must ultimately relinquish standing in favor of the Other.
I'm feeling myself in an almost "aesthetic" place. I've told myself, for awhile, that it was a phase, a stage, a passage created and caused by external factors that would eventually pass -- that, ultimately, things would turn around and I'd find myself back in a place where life would resume some sort of high-end sensual level that I recall with some nostalgia and fondness. But maybe not. Perhaps the path is headed in a different direction. Maybe, for me, that sensual path was a path that was headed, Icarus-style, too near the sun. Maybe, slavery is more quiet and more refined.
In searching "aestheticism," I found this interesting post on "Ambiguous Squiggle" http://mysticsquiggle.blogspot.com/2005/02/aesceticism.html . I'm not sure if I entirely agree with the premise here, or if I even completely understand it, but there may be something there. I do think that I "get" the part about aestheticism" being a "training for the mind." Like it or not, when the body cannot have all it wants, the mind comes to heel, comes to a point of attentiveness and quiet waiting.
Slavery. Waiting. Quiet.
swan
11/24/2005
A Heron Clan Thanksgiving
We awakened this morning to a gloriously snowy Thanksgiving Day.
Both condo's smell wonderful as the feast that t and sue have labored over for the past day cooks. sue's across the room ironing her giant anitique linen table cloth that will adorn her huge dining room table where the 10 of us will gather for dinner this afternoon. Her side of the condo's is fragrant with the smells of her famous STUFFED turkey. She's already given me her Thanksgiving lecture....yes, that's right the impudent brat lectured me....that she's been cooking turkeys for 28 years in the same pan and they are of course...by god...stuffed! None of this dressing on the side for her and hers:) And, mind you, no one's ever gotten ptomaine, or botulism, or even an upset tummy from one of her birds:)
As for t, no one in creation is more overjoyed by producing a cluinary entertainment event. We'll have special relish trays with splenda sweetened pickles and relish (four of us gathering today are diabetic) plus both colors of olives, and almonds, shrimp cocktail, and a major array of vegetable and bread alternatives,and 4 pies..2 pumpkin and 2 pecan, and mince meat epanadas, (all suar fee:) and ....I'm sure I'm not even aware of all of the delicacies she's prepared.
We have had this special Thanksgiving ceremony in our home that extends back before my divorce. My son, who was about age 8 when this began, always begins the holiday meal by decapitating a turkey molded of butter with the butter knife. T realized yesterday, much to her horror, that what with my son (now 16) and daughter (now 22) coming to dinner along with their mom, we had no butter turkey for him to lop the head off of. She called around and found one. sue was off work yesterday, so she went to purhcase it only to find that store's supply exhausted as well:( She got them to phone another store which had just one left. They held it for her, and she drove 20 miles to a nearby town to pick it up. Whatever happens this feast will begin with the youngest family member's ritual decapitation of the "butter turkey." Thank you spice. It is no wonder my family has been able to incorporate you so well into its fold. You both are so wonderful to them.
We are together in homes we love and loving each other greatly. We have pretty good health for middle-aged folks. We have work that not only makes a comfortable living for us, but that enhances our lives and enriches our spirits. We have family and close friends, seven of whom are joining the three of us for dinner today. And very appropriately, WE HAVE SNOW!!!!!!!! What a perfect Thanksgiving! In large part this prefection is a result of hard work and great caring of my two wonderful and beautiful spice.
I'll be off soon to make my rounds to pick up some of our guests who are elderly, and have disabilities which prevent them from driving to us so that the festivities can begin:)
I hope everyone who reads this, whether they are celebrating Thanksgiving today or not, has as glorious a day today as we are.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Both condo's smell wonderful as the feast that t and sue have labored over for the past day cooks. sue's across the room ironing her giant anitique linen table cloth that will adorn her huge dining room table where the 10 of us will gather for dinner this afternoon. Her side of the condo's is fragrant with the smells of her famous STUFFED turkey. She's already given me her Thanksgiving lecture....yes, that's right the impudent brat lectured me....that she's been cooking turkeys for 28 years in the same pan and they are of course...by god...stuffed! None of this dressing on the side for her and hers:) And, mind you, no one's ever gotten ptomaine, or botulism, or even an upset tummy from one of her birds:)
As for t, no one in creation is more overjoyed by producing a cluinary entertainment event. We'll have special relish trays with splenda sweetened pickles and relish (four of us gathering today are diabetic) plus both colors of olives, and almonds, shrimp cocktail, and a major array of vegetable and bread alternatives,and 4 pies..2 pumpkin and 2 pecan, and mince meat epanadas, (all suar fee:) and ....I'm sure I'm not even aware of all of the delicacies she's prepared.
We have had this special Thanksgiving ceremony in our home that extends back before my divorce. My son, who was about age 8 when this began, always begins the holiday meal by decapitating a turkey molded of butter with the butter knife. T realized yesterday, much to her horror, that what with my son (now 16) and daughter (now 22) coming to dinner along with their mom, we had no butter turkey for him to lop the head off of. She called around and found one. sue was off work yesterday, so she went to purhcase it only to find that store's supply exhausted as well:( She got them to phone another store which had just one left. They held it for her, and she drove 20 miles to a nearby town to pick it up. Whatever happens this feast will begin with the youngest family member's ritual decapitation of the "butter turkey." Thank you spice. It is no wonder my family has been able to incorporate you so well into its fold. You both are so wonderful to them.
We are together in homes we love and loving each other greatly. We have pretty good health for middle-aged folks. We have work that not only makes a comfortable living for us, but that enhances our lives and enriches our spirits. We have family and close friends, seven of whom are joining the three of us for dinner today. And very appropriately, WE HAVE SNOW!!!!!!!! What a perfect Thanksgiving! In large part this prefection is a result of hard work and great caring of my two wonderful and beautiful spice.
I'll be off soon to make my rounds to pick up some of our guests who are elderly, and have disabilities which prevent them from driving to us so that the festivities can begin:)
I hope everyone who reads this, whether they are celebrating Thanksgiving today or not, has as glorious a day today as we are.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
11/22/2005
Toast!
Ahhh autumn is in the air. The leaves have turned and fallen. We have had the first fall fire in the fireplace. And now it is time for the gathering of the family and for being thankful. I will get the mushy out of the way first. Of course I am thankful everyday for the blessings of life and Tom and Swan. Family is dear and I am glad I have mine near.
Tomorrow Swan is off work. She will spend the day cleaning her side of the condos and rearranging the furniture and disguising the home so our "unaware" family members can remain in the dark about our lifestyle. I have already cleaned my side. I have already done the shopping for the feast. Last weekend Tom and his son watched football and performed the annual "Perkification during Murderation". For the uninitiated that is when the 2 of them wrestle our monster artificial tree out of the garage and put it together. Then they have to fluff, this is the "Perkification", the branches that have been smashed in a box all year. And this is all done while their favorite football team is beating their least favorite football team, this would be the "Murderation". They have done this for several years now...it is quite hysterical. I often have to leave my condo and go to Sue's just to keep from crying while I am trying not to pee my pants laughing.
Then we have "THE DAY". Swan and I will spend the day prepping and cooking and baking. All to be able to lay out a spread for about 10 of Tom's family and our friends. We will do drinks and appetizers on my side of the condos and then move to Swan's side for dinner, as she has a much larger dining table and we can all fit.
Now for the silliness.....about 3 yrs ago Swan and I started taking a medication as a preventative for migraines. It has worked wonders for the both of us, but not without some sincere adjustments. We had alot of stomach upset. And there are still some foods that neither of us can eat, that we used to love. We occasionally get tingly hands and feet...another adjustment. But the worst was the confusion. In the beginning, we really had to concentrate to do the most simple tasks. Let's say you want to change the channel on the TV. You just get the remote and do it....not us. We would have to conciously think "Locate the remote..Reach for the remote..Point the remote at the TV..Pick the correct channel.. Lay the remote back down.." You see, if we didn't do that, we might sit with the remote in our hand and never figure out why we picked it up in the first place! I cannot tell you how many times I got something out of the fridge and never shut the door, only to find the door open later. I left the water running in the bathtub and went off and did something else. Forgot all about the tub until it was over the side and half way across the carpet to the master bedroom!! Swan couldn't remember her exit off the highway to get to work!...well....it was the day before Thanksgiving....I was home and Swan was at the store. I called her on her cell and told her I was home for lunch and had started the veggie prep and the toast. You see, my Mom doesn't use dry bread, or bread cubes for dressing. She has always toasted her bread and torn it into chunks for her dressing. So I just figured everyone did it her way....boy was I ever wrong! Swan was standing at the local grocery in an aisle, staring at the cell phone in her hand saying "Toast?? Toast??" Getting very strange looks. She was thinking slices of buttered toast and had no eartly idea what in the hell she was supposed to do with that, but didn't want to hurt my feelings by not using whatever it was I was doing! Tom still asks which of us is making the toast, whenever we have dressing with a meal...the brat!
Sooooo when you and yours are working your fingers to the bone, putting out a spread for agrateful family. Remember...Toast!
Happy Happy Bird Day!!
T
Tomorrow Swan is off work. She will spend the day cleaning her side of the condos and rearranging the furniture and disguising the home so our "unaware" family members can remain in the dark about our lifestyle. I have already cleaned my side. I have already done the shopping for the feast. Last weekend Tom and his son watched football and performed the annual "Perkification during Murderation". For the uninitiated that is when the 2 of them wrestle our monster artificial tree out of the garage and put it together. Then they have to fluff, this is the "Perkification", the branches that have been smashed in a box all year. And this is all done while their favorite football team is beating their least favorite football team, this would be the "Murderation". They have done this for several years now...it is quite hysterical. I often have to leave my condo and go to Sue's just to keep from crying while I am trying not to pee my pants laughing.
Then we have "THE DAY". Swan and I will spend the day prepping and cooking and baking. All to be able to lay out a spread for about 10 of Tom's family and our friends. We will do drinks and appetizers on my side of the condos and then move to Swan's side for dinner, as she has a much larger dining table and we can all fit.
Now for the silliness.....about 3 yrs ago Swan and I started taking a medication as a preventative for migraines. It has worked wonders for the both of us, but not without some sincere adjustments. We had alot of stomach upset. And there are still some foods that neither of us can eat, that we used to love. We occasionally get tingly hands and feet...another adjustment. But the worst was the confusion. In the beginning, we really had to concentrate to do the most simple tasks. Let's say you want to change the channel on the TV. You just get the remote and do it....not us. We would have to conciously think "Locate the remote..Reach for the remote..Point the remote at the TV..Pick the correct channel.. Lay the remote back down.." You see, if we didn't do that, we might sit with the remote in our hand and never figure out why we picked it up in the first place! I cannot tell you how many times I got something out of the fridge and never shut the door, only to find the door open later. I left the water running in the bathtub and went off and did something else. Forgot all about the tub until it was over the side and half way across the carpet to the master bedroom!! Swan couldn't remember her exit off the highway to get to work!...well....it was the day before Thanksgiving....I was home and Swan was at the store. I called her on her cell and told her I was home for lunch and had started the veggie prep and the toast. You see, my Mom doesn't use dry bread, or bread cubes for dressing. She has always toasted her bread and torn it into chunks for her dressing. So I just figured everyone did it her way....boy was I ever wrong! Swan was standing at the local grocery in an aisle, staring at the cell phone in her hand saying "Toast?? Toast??" Getting very strange looks. She was thinking slices of buttered toast and had no eartly idea what in the hell she was supposed to do with that, but didn't want to hurt my feelings by not using whatever it was I was doing! Tom still asks which of us is making the toast, whenever we have dressing with a meal...the brat!
Sooooo when you and yours are working your fingers to the bone, putting out a spread for a
Happy Happy Bird Day!!
T
11/21/2005
Chick Flicks
We "enjoy" the occasional trip to the local cinema.
One of the nice things about living in a household that operates on principles of total power exchange is that there is not any problem deciding on which film to see. Master decides. And, for us, there usually isn't any problem deciding on which showtime to attend -- we go whenever Master is ready to go...
In the time since I've known Him, I've seen films that include: Braveheart, Troy, The Patriot, Gangs of New York, The Last Samurai, Gladiator, Master and Commander, and most recently, Jarhead. There are others that I am forgetting I am sure, but they would not break the pattern in any significant fashion.
Master refers to these as "chick flicks." I believe that this might be because He attends showings of these films with two people of the female persuasion...
swan
One of the nice things about living in a household that operates on principles of total power exchange is that there is not any problem deciding on which film to see. Master decides. And, for us, there usually isn't any problem deciding on which showtime to attend -- we go whenever Master is ready to go...
In the time since I've known Him, I've seen films that include: Braveheart, Troy, The Patriot, Gangs of New York, The Last Samurai, Gladiator, Master and Commander, and most recently, Jarhead. There are others that I am forgetting I am sure, but they would not break the pattern in any significant fashion.
Master refers to these as "chick flicks." I believe that this might be because He attends showings of these films with two people of the female persuasion...
swan
11/20/2005
Friday Night was Fine
For us, life most often proceeds at breakneck speed.
Three busy adults with demanding schedules most often find ourselves skidding into Friday night exhausted. We often joke that a "hot" Friday night for us is when we wake up from our after-work "nap" at around 9 PM to eat a snack before going back to bed for the night... We're a really sexy bunch.
This last Friday night, however, we hung it together somehow and had a lovely, warm evening relaxing together.
It has cooled off here finally. The warm lingering heat departed suddenly and a chill has descended on the Midwest. We all got home and snuggled in for the evening. T made some wonderful sandwiches and we laid a roaring fire in the fireplace -- the first one of the season. We gathered around the fire, joined by the silly cat, put Comedy Central on the tube, and simply enjoyed the downtime and one another's company.
It was grand. Hours to spend laughing, chatting, relaxing. No stress, no place to go, nothing serious to have to do.
Ahhhhh...
swan
Three busy adults with demanding schedules most often find ourselves skidding into Friday night exhausted. We often joke that a "hot" Friday night for us is when we wake up from our after-work "nap" at around 9 PM to eat a snack before going back to bed for the night... We're a really sexy bunch.
This last Friday night, however, we hung it together somehow and had a lovely, warm evening relaxing together.
It has cooled off here finally. The warm lingering heat departed suddenly and a chill has descended on the Midwest. We all got home and snuggled in for the evening. T made some wonderful sandwiches and we laid a roaring fire in the fireplace -- the first one of the season. We gathered around the fire, joined by the silly cat, put Comedy Central on the tube, and simply enjoyed the downtime and one another's company.
It was grand. Hours to spend laughing, chatting, relaxing. No stress, no place to go, nothing serious to have to do.
Ahhhhh...
swan
11/19/2005
What the Heck Are you Doing Up Here?
I lived for years along the Colorado Front Range, in the Denver/Boulder metro area. Often friends from out of state visited, and, if they had the time, we always took them into the Rocky Mountains... I've probably traveled the "Trail Ridge Road" in Rocky Mountain National Park hundreds of times, showing visitors some of the most beautiful vistas on this planet. It is simply one of the most stunning stretches of pavement in the continental U.S. It is, however, not a drive for the inexperienced, or the faint of heart. Some eleven miles of the route are above treeline, where the trees just will not grow because there is not enough oxygen to support them, and there are steep grades and what the locals call "hairpin turns." The dropoffs are breathtaking. Everyday, during the summer tourist season, staff in the Park have to go up and rescue folks who get themselves up there and then freak out and can't get themselves down...
The park literature and signage clearly indicates that the road is steep and narrow. Travelers are advised to make sure that their vehicles (including tires) should be in good condition. People are also cautioned about the altitude and warned that those with respiratory and cardiac issues should consider carefully. Still, on a daily basis, they get themselves up and can't get back down without help...
There are some things that you shouldn't try if you don't know what the fuck you are getting yourself into. It is a recipe for disaster. Why can't you explain that to people?
You see it all the time:
Regularly, Ski patrol staffers have to haul marginal skiers off of "Double Diamond Black" ski runs where they don't have any business being. Any fool knows that maybe 10% of skiers have the skills to actually handle that terrain well. The rest are just looking to get themselves stranded at best, hurt or killed at worst...
I once watched a guy put his 6 year old son on the head of a full grown wild buffalo in Yellowstone Park so that his wife could "get a picture." WTF!?!?
There was a new kid that came to work at the company I worked with in Wyoming years ago... We used to all go to lunch on Fridays, at the local Mexican food eatery, where there was a menu item called "The Death Wish Burrito." It was not misnamed. It was so freaking hot that it would leave blisters on lips, tongue, and throat. We all warned him that it just wasn't a smart choice, but he was so damn "macho" that there was just no talking to him... Idiot!
People would show up at the old Labyrinth BDSM club in Denver -- usually newbies without much experience in the scene. Every now and then some hot to trot "submissive" with a big mouth and not an ounce of good sense would come waltzing in looking to play with the biggest, baddest sadist in the place. That, friends, could be pretty darn "bad." I watched it happen over and over -- cooler heads would, invariably try and take the poor fool aside and talk some sense into the fantasy addled brain. No dice. People would warn, "If you negotiate a high end scene with a high end player, they will take you at your word... Don't go where you can't handle it. Hang out. Watch. Learn." Usually, that well intentioned advice would fall on the deafest of deaf ears...
My point? Some territory is risky. Not everyplace is safe. There are dragons out here. Grow up. Take responsibility. Do your homework. Read the warning signs. Listen to people who know something about it. Know what the hell you are doing if you go there. If you get yourself in over your head, don't blame anybody else.
swan
Life is "Messy" -- We Write Anyway
From the very earliest entries, when I reluctantly began writing at "The Swan's Heart," the words that have poured across the screen there and (subsequently) here have chronicled my/our lives as honestly as it has been possible for me to do that.
Life for us is "messy." Sometimes what I write is happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes angry. Sometimes confused. Whatever comes up, I attempt to put into words the reality of my experiences and reactions and feelings. Honestly. It is often raw, inelegant, hard to read.
I know that some of what has been written here in these months has been uncomfortable to write. I also know, because of the comments I get, that it sometimes makes readers undomfortable. It is never my intent to cause discomfort. It is my intent to write, and through the writing to help my own thinking become clearer, to help me understand my own reactions and feelings. I don't know what those who read here "get" from doing so. I can't focus on that audience. I appreciate them, but, like a tight wire performer, I can't "look."
The words that show up here are moments taken from the realities of my life. They are real. Honest. Raw. Unvarnished. True. I don't sanitize, edit, filter, or otherwise protect myself or anyone else. I don't moderate comments, and generally I don't delete anyone's comments but my own (at least not since I figured out how to foil the evil spammers). What you see is what you get. This is us.
If you read for awhile, you will start to "get" the personalities of our household:
Master is the engine that drives us all. He is dynamic, powerful, and demanding. He is dominant, not because that is some "label" He claims, but because that is the truth of who and what He is. His visions are expansive and overarching. He changes the world. His willingness, however to attend to details and minutiae is minimal. He is also impulsive, trusting, and open-hearted. We've learned to ask Him for what we want and need. T and I both know that subtlety does not work with "Mr. Romance." He is the "tenderest" of us all...
T is the heart of our family. She is open, bright, charming, happy-hearted, and welcoming. She keeps us in touch with the world and social. She is strong, steady, sturdy and stable. She is practical and a planner. She has her Christmas cards already written out, signed, sealed in the envelopes and addressed. I'm still considering writing cards for 2003... She keeps us all in line, brooking none of the nonsense that goes on in a household like ours, but T is a warrior if anyone threatens any one of us. She is not a talker. Even here, you will find that our T is a lady of few words... but when she talks, people listen.
I am the emotional billboard for the family. I pick up the feelings out of the air, mirror them and amplify them and they spew them all over the place. I am intuitive, sensitive, and empathic. I cry at the drop of a hat, but might just as easily laugh like a little kid when something catches my fancy. I am the homebody, happy to just cuddle in and revel in being just "us." Along with my sister, when "stuff" comes at us, I am inclined to figure that there's no point in fussing. She and I are fond of saying that it is, "time to pull up the big girl panties and deal with it." Whatever goes down, I'll likely think it to death and then come here and write about it -- over and over and over again.
That's us. We are who we are. Not fancy. Not showy. No pretense. If what we do and what we say about it is interesting, read. We'll be glad to know you. Either way, we'll write just the same.
swan
Life for us is "messy." Sometimes what I write is happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes angry. Sometimes confused. Whatever comes up, I attempt to put into words the reality of my experiences and reactions and feelings. Honestly. It is often raw, inelegant, hard to read.
I know that some of what has been written here in these months has been uncomfortable to write. I also know, because of the comments I get, that it sometimes makes readers undomfortable. It is never my intent to cause discomfort. It is my intent to write, and through the writing to help my own thinking become clearer, to help me understand my own reactions and feelings. I don't know what those who read here "get" from doing so. I can't focus on that audience. I appreciate them, but, like a tight wire performer, I can't "look."
The words that show up here are moments taken from the realities of my life. They are real. Honest. Raw. Unvarnished. True. I don't sanitize, edit, filter, or otherwise protect myself or anyone else. I don't moderate comments, and generally I don't delete anyone's comments but my own (at least not since I figured out how to foil the evil spammers). What you see is what you get. This is us.
If you read for awhile, you will start to "get" the personalities of our household:
Master is the engine that drives us all. He is dynamic, powerful, and demanding. He is dominant, not because that is some "label" He claims, but because that is the truth of who and what He is. His visions are expansive and overarching. He changes the world. His willingness, however to attend to details and minutiae is minimal. He is also impulsive, trusting, and open-hearted. We've learned to ask Him for what we want and need. T and I both know that subtlety does not work with "Mr. Romance." He is the "tenderest" of us all...
T is the heart of our family. She is open, bright, charming, happy-hearted, and welcoming. She keeps us in touch with the world and social. She is strong, steady, sturdy and stable. She is practical and a planner. She has her Christmas cards already written out, signed, sealed in the envelopes and addressed. I'm still considering writing cards for 2003... She keeps us all in line, brooking none of the nonsense that goes on in a household like ours, but T is a warrior if anyone threatens any one of us. She is not a talker. Even here, you will find that our T is a lady of few words... but when she talks, people listen.
I am the emotional billboard for the family. I pick up the feelings out of the air, mirror them and amplify them and they spew them all over the place. I am intuitive, sensitive, and empathic. I cry at the drop of a hat, but might just as easily laugh like a little kid when something catches my fancy. I am the homebody, happy to just cuddle in and revel in being just "us." Along with my sister, when "stuff" comes at us, I am inclined to figure that there's no point in fussing. She and I are fond of saying that it is, "time to pull up the big girl panties and deal with it." Whatever goes down, I'll likely think it to death and then come here and write about it -- over and over and over again.
That's us. We are who we are. Not fancy. Not showy. No pretense. If what we do and what we say about it is interesting, read. We'll be glad to know you. Either way, we'll write just the same.
swan
11/15/2005
Spirit of the Blue Heron
ROLE: ~ Peace Maker ~
LESSON: ~ Balance between relating and standing alone ~
ELEMENT: ~ Air/Water ~
WIND: ~ East ~ Peace & Illumination ~
MEDICINE: ~ Uniqueness ~
KEYWORDS: ~ Ability to Stand Alone ~ Uniqueness ~
~ Independence ~ Call to Balance ~ Self-Esteem ~
~ Boundaries ~ Dignity ~ Exploration ~ Peace ~ Fluidity ~
Peace
As with all of the Creature Beings of the Earth Mother, the coloring of the Great Blue Heron’s feathers is significant, as each color carries with it special attributes unique to that Creature. Blue in nature is connection to Father Sky and represents Peace and Tranquility. In Esoteric thought, deep blue is also the color of the sixth chakra which corresponds to the third eye. Hence, insight and psychic vision are also emphasized here.
Although the Great Blue Heron is by nature a predominantly solitary bird, during mating season, Herons will gather in clusters to nest and raise young in what are called colonies. It is quite remarkable to witness the peace and harmony that abounds in these colonies, and is a testimony to the ability of a highly independent creature to adapt to communal life.
Just as the Blue Heron must find within him/herself the ability to live in cooperative peace with other members of the colony, so does the two-legged beside whom Heron fly enter the Earthwalk with the theme of Peace. This may either be a natural state of “Being” for one with this bird as a Primary Totem, or in the instance where Great Blue Heron has surfaced as either a Messenger or Lesson Totem, the Lesson then becomes finding Inner Peace and Tranquility.
If Great Blue Heron is one of the Primary Totems, throughout life much interest will be focused in establishing and maintaining Peace. Initially however, this quest for harmony may manifest as the Blue Heron Soul attempting to direct Others to such a state, preliminarily failing to recognize that Peace must first come from “Within”.
When Blue Heron Soul finds that Peace within the “Self”, the lesson gained in the journey there will be shared as a means of guiding Others to finding that same Peace within. Yet when in peaceful attunement and harmony with Self, the two-legged beside whom Blue Heron flies will also emit a powerful and profound tranquil vibration that will effect all around them and inspire the burgeoning soul to become in balance and harmony with All, a priceless Gift to give indeed!
Uniqueness
As a member of the Stork family, these large birds are distinctive in appearance in part due to their blue feathers which can range in color from dusky slate-gray to a deep blue. Their long legs, which serve them well as they wade through the shallows of swamps and wetlands, and elongated neck are also distinguishing characteristics of these splendid birds.
When wading through water in search of prey or standing and observing their surroundings, these birds are the picture of grace and stateliness, yet when in flight their appearance is a bit gangly as they fly with their heads supported between their shoulders, rather than stretched out before them as is typical of their White Crane cousins. Their blue feathers are also a feature that distinguishes them from other members of the Crane family. These separating characteristics suggest that those beside whom Great Blue Heron flies will also be individualists who will utilize their own differences to elicit change in the world around them.
For the two-legged with Blue Heron as a Totem, there will be a desire to establish themselves as a unique and independent Being, often making these souls the revolutionaries that disrupt the status quo of society in order to elicit change and evolution. Although this is a trait with many challenges, when operating from it’s Highest Vibration, Blue Heron Souls teach the rest of us the value and importance of each individual contribution to the Whole.
When young, the Blue Heron individual will be quite unusual in either appearance or mannerisms in ways that they may often find themselves ostracized by peer members. In extreme circumstances, even their own family members will tend to distance themselves, forcing the Blue Heron individual to establish separate and independent lives at an early age.
The teen-age years which are often met with a sense of awkwardness for any human maturing and evolving, are particularly painful for the one beside whom Blue Heron flies, as their appearance and/or behavior will tend to set them apart at a time in their growth when they seek the most to integrate and “blend in”. Often, there will be ling limbs, above average height and uncoordinated gait that may be the object of ridicule during the angst of their emerging from childhood toward adulthood.
Yet with sufficient maturation, these very souls that were once considered “odd looking” suddenly blossom into stunning adults that may quickly find themselves thrust into the attention and admiration of many suitors. More than a few fashion models and actor/actresses have Blue Heron predominately placed amongst their Primary Totems, as the very characteristics that once set them painfully apart, becomes an attracting force of beauty and grace that pulls others toward them. Even in those instance when there is not great “physical beauty”, there will be a special spark to these individuals that will later draw positive attention with a great deal of magnetic force.
On a spiritual level, there will also be a phase of awkwardness and groping for identity. Many revolutionary ideas are first conceptualized by the Blue Heron individual, as they will not be content with watching society operate in the same mode it has done for generations. As a child this independent thought will be a great consternation to parents and guardians, yet as the body, mind and soul of Blue Heron grows and develops, this same ability to think independently may serve them in professions such as exploration and research, politics and scientific discovery and invention as these souls once more learn to transform what was once viewed as a “liability” into an asset.
Ability to Stand Alone
One of the dominant physical characteristics of the Great Blue Heron are its long, spindly legs. Like all members of the Stork family, Blue Heron utilizes these elongated limbs to wade through the marshes and swamplands that constitute their natural environment, in search of the food that swims in the water or crawls along the spongy banks.
It is not uncommon to see a Great Blue Heron standing with one leg drawn up in a resting position, and balancing like a seasoned acrobat on the other leg. Herons are often spied dozing while standing thus on one foot as well and as discussed earlier, then to prefer solitude and their own company.
This particular set of keywords indicated a powerful Lesson for those who share this Earthwalk with Blue Heron Totem, as there will be many experience in learning to operate independently and to trust and rely heavily on the Self. This can be a dual-edged sword, however, as much like the Heron must find the proper equilibrium to balance on one leg, the two-legged beside whom Heron flies must also learn the delicate balance and counter-balance between independence and cooperative loving and living with Others.
Often times there are likely two distinctive scenarios which contribute to the development of the Blue Heron individual. The first such set of circumstances is where the human counterpart enters along the Sacred Hoop of Life as a very peaceful and sensitive person that seeks out the company of Others, yet is often rejected by the very Souls he/she loves and trusts the most. This may establish a fear of rejection, and often effects their later interactions in adult relationships, as there is often the inherent fear or expectation that as soon as a bond of love or trust is formed, they will be rejected or betrayed. Until the Blue Heron individual can heal from these painful episodes, examine the lessons that they have been present to teach, and integrate the experience to find a better center of balance, they will often either shut themselves off emotionally to avoid future “hurts”, or they may become lost in the repetitive pattern of choosing partners that will ultimately fulfill their expectations of abandonment.
The second grouping of Blue Heron individuals are often highly independent, seemingly from birth, and tend to prefer the solitude and comfort of their own company over interacting with family members and friends. There is a sense about these Souls that they are capable of handling any task so long as they are left alone to their own devices to accomplish it. The difficulty surfaces when they ignore the interactions with their fellow human that is a vital and integral part of our life in flesh. Until these individuals are fully able to embrace the understanding that we are all here to interconnect with our fellow two-leggeds and the animals of the Ina Maka, or Mother Earth, there will be an underlying restlessness and general dissatisfaction with life. Their challenge thus becomes learning to find the harmony between time spent alone, and time spent with their fellow Earth inhabitants.
In both instances, the primary focus is upon gaining enough self-confidence that they are well capable of relying upon their own highly developed sense of timing and action, and tempering it with embracing loving relationships that operate within healthy parameters and involve requisite sharing and co-nurturing with the respect of individual freedom and independence. Yet when this fine balance is struck, the end result is a beauty to behold and often leads these Souls down the pathway as impartial judges, counselors and artists who convey through their choice of medium a world in which all live in true Harmony.
.....I post this because Herons are very important to my family. Whenever anything of great importance happens in our family, we have a visit on our pond from our Heron. The last few mornings, as I have been leaving for work, I have had a Heron fly-over...Yes, something great is on the horizon. Just watch...
T
LESSON: ~ Balance between relating and standing alone ~
ELEMENT: ~ Air/Water ~
WIND: ~ East ~ Peace & Illumination ~
MEDICINE: ~ Uniqueness ~
KEYWORDS: ~ Ability to Stand Alone ~ Uniqueness ~
~ Independence ~ Call to Balance ~ Self-Esteem ~
~ Boundaries ~ Dignity ~ Exploration ~ Peace ~ Fluidity ~
Peace
As with all of the Creature Beings of the Earth Mother, the coloring of the Great Blue Heron’s feathers is significant, as each color carries with it special attributes unique to that Creature. Blue in nature is connection to Father Sky and represents Peace and Tranquility. In Esoteric thought, deep blue is also the color of the sixth chakra which corresponds to the third eye. Hence, insight and psychic vision are also emphasized here.
Although the Great Blue Heron is by nature a predominantly solitary bird, during mating season, Herons will gather in clusters to nest and raise young in what are called colonies. It is quite remarkable to witness the peace and harmony that abounds in these colonies, and is a testimony to the ability of a highly independent creature to adapt to communal life.
Just as the Blue Heron must find within him/herself the ability to live in cooperative peace with other members of the colony, so does the two-legged beside whom Heron fly enter the Earthwalk with the theme of Peace. This may either be a natural state of “Being” for one with this bird as a Primary Totem, or in the instance where Great Blue Heron has surfaced as either a Messenger or Lesson Totem, the Lesson then becomes finding Inner Peace and Tranquility.
If Great Blue Heron is one of the Primary Totems, throughout life much interest will be focused in establishing and maintaining Peace. Initially however, this quest for harmony may manifest as the Blue Heron Soul attempting to direct Others to such a state, preliminarily failing to recognize that Peace must first come from “Within”.
When Blue Heron Soul finds that Peace within the “Self”, the lesson gained in the journey there will be shared as a means of guiding Others to finding that same Peace within. Yet when in peaceful attunement and harmony with Self, the two-legged beside whom Blue Heron flies will also emit a powerful and profound tranquil vibration that will effect all around them and inspire the burgeoning soul to become in balance and harmony with All, a priceless Gift to give indeed!
Uniqueness
As a member of the Stork family, these large birds are distinctive in appearance in part due to their blue feathers which can range in color from dusky slate-gray to a deep blue. Their long legs, which serve them well as they wade through the shallows of swamps and wetlands, and elongated neck are also distinguishing characteristics of these splendid birds.
When wading through water in search of prey or standing and observing their surroundings, these birds are the picture of grace and stateliness, yet when in flight their appearance is a bit gangly as they fly with their heads supported between their shoulders, rather than stretched out before them as is typical of their White Crane cousins. Their blue feathers are also a feature that distinguishes them from other members of the Crane family. These separating characteristics suggest that those beside whom Great Blue Heron flies will also be individualists who will utilize their own differences to elicit change in the world around them.
For the two-legged with Blue Heron as a Totem, there will be a desire to establish themselves as a unique and independent Being, often making these souls the revolutionaries that disrupt the status quo of society in order to elicit change and evolution. Although this is a trait with many challenges, when operating from it’s Highest Vibration, Blue Heron Souls teach the rest of us the value and importance of each individual contribution to the Whole.
When young, the Blue Heron individual will be quite unusual in either appearance or mannerisms in ways that they may often find themselves ostracized by peer members. In extreme circumstances, even their own family members will tend to distance themselves, forcing the Blue Heron individual to establish separate and independent lives at an early age.
The teen-age years which are often met with a sense of awkwardness for any human maturing and evolving, are particularly painful for the one beside whom Blue Heron flies, as their appearance and/or behavior will tend to set them apart at a time in their growth when they seek the most to integrate and “blend in”. Often, there will be ling limbs, above average height and uncoordinated gait that may be the object of ridicule during the angst of their emerging from childhood toward adulthood.
Yet with sufficient maturation, these very souls that were once considered “odd looking” suddenly blossom into stunning adults that may quickly find themselves thrust into the attention and admiration of many suitors. More than a few fashion models and actor/actresses have Blue Heron predominately placed amongst their Primary Totems, as the very characteristics that once set them painfully apart, becomes an attracting force of beauty and grace that pulls others toward them. Even in those instance when there is not great “physical beauty”, there will be a special spark to these individuals that will later draw positive attention with a great deal of magnetic force.
On a spiritual level, there will also be a phase of awkwardness and groping for identity. Many revolutionary ideas are first conceptualized by the Blue Heron individual, as they will not be content with watching society operate in the same mode it has done for generations. As a child this independent thought will be a great consternation to parents and guardians, yet as the body, mind and soul of Blue Heron grows and develops, this same ability to think independently may serve them in professions such as exploration and research, politics and scientific discovery and invention as these souls once more learn to transform what was once viewed as a “liability” into an asset.
Ability to Stand Alone
One of the dominant physical characteristics of the Great Blue Heron are its long, spindly legs. Like all members of the Stork family, Blue Heron utilizes these elongated limbs to wade through the marshes and swamplands that constitute their natural environment, in search of the food that swims in the water or crawls along the spongy banks.
It is not uncommon to see a Great Blue Heron standing with one leg drawn up in a resting position, and balancing like a seasoned acrobat on the other leg. Herons are often spied dozing while standing thus on one foot as well and as discussed earlier, then to prefer solitude and their own company.
This particular set of keywords indicated a powerful Lesson for those who share this Earthwalk with Blue Heron Totem, as there will be many experience in learning to operate independently and to trust and rely heavily on the Self. This can be a dual-edged sword, however, as much like the Heron must find the proper equilibrium to balance on one leg, the two-legged beside whom Heron flies must also learn the delicate balance and counter-balance between independence and cooperative loving and living with Others.
Often times there are likely two distinctive scenarios which contribute to the development of the Blue Heron individual. The first such set of circumstances is where the human counterpart enters along the Sacred Hoop of Life as a very peaceful and sensitive person that seeks out the company of Others, yet is often rejected by the very Souls he/she loves and trusts the most. This may establish a fear of rejection, and often effects their later interactions in adult relationships, as there is often the inherent fear or expectation that as soon as a bond of love or trust is formed, they will be rejected or betrayed. Until the Blue Heron individual can heal from these painful episodes, examine the lessons that they have been present to teach, and integrate the experience to find a better center of balance, they will often either shut themselves off emotionally to avoid future “hurts”, or they may become lost in the repetitive pattern of choosing partners that will ultimately fulfill their expectations of abandonment.
The second grouping of Blue Heron individuals are often highly independent, seemingly from birth, and tend to prefer the solitude and comfort of their own company over interacting with family members and friends. There is a sense about these Souls that they are capable of handling any task so long as they are left alone to their own devices to accomplish it. The difficulty surfaces when they ignore the interactions with their fellow human that is a vital and integral part of our life in flesh. Until these individuals are fully able to embrace the understanding that we are all here to interconnect with our fellow two-leggeds and the animals of the Ina Maka, or Mother Earth, there will be an underlying restlessness and general dissatisfaction with life. Their challenge thus becomes learning to find the harmony between time spent alone, and time spent with their fellow Earth inhabitants.
In both instances, the primary focus is upon gaining enough self-confidence that they are well capable of relying upon their own highly developed sense of timing and action, and tempering it with embracing loving relationships that operate within healthy parameters and involve requisite sharing and co-nurturing with the respect of individual freedom and independence. Yet when this fine balance is struck, the end result is a beauty to behold and often leads these Souls down the pathway as impartial judges, counselors and artists who convey through their choice of medium a world in which all live in true Harmony.
.....I post this because Herons are very important to my family. Whenever anything of great importance happens in our family, we have a visit on our pond from our Heron. The last few mornings, as I have been leaving for work, I have had a Heron fly-over...Yes, something great is on the horizon. Just watch...
T
Then the ball crashed
At 4:30 this morning a beautiful blown glass ball we had hanging in the sky view window at the top of our bedroom wall crashed to the floor and exploded into hundreds of pieces. That won't be catching sunbeams and reflecting them on our ceiling again. At first I thought that somehow our window had broken. We had wild, violent storms here last night, and perhaps that had done it, but then I realized the sounds from outside were no louder. Had the window broken, we'd have a volume increase. We turned the light on and realized what had happened. Then it flashed through my mind, what was the "mystical" significance of this sudden event?
I realized then the extenet to which I'd come to expect mysticism and "magic" to be a factor in my life as I'd passed through the recently destroyed relationship with the nameless ones. I wonder how many snakes had to be squeezed to get all that oil and what has to be wrong with me to be so susceptible to it. The significance of the event is that the ball was hung by a simple small screw hook, in a plaster board ceiling, and what with all the vibrations from last nighht's thunder, it broke free and crashed to the floor. There was no magic.
We were then wide awake. Normally this would be an opportunity for us to play and make love. There has been no passion or excitment here ince our ball crashed last Thursday. I can tell Sue is longing, and I have just no interest. Even interest in my usually most outrageously exciting activity, spanking, is dead.
Each day, I'm generally better about this ending. Each day I realize too how dysfunctional I still am, and in that contrast, I realize how hard my ball crashed. And I see in the reactions to me by t and sue how much they feel hurt by my dysfunction in reaction to it.
The night before last I was up all night. It was amaizing, but I was simply wide awake, and couldn't turn my head off reviewing voice sounds, and IM's, and picutures from our brief time together. Thank god that phase seems to have ended. I am working at making them faceless and turning them to the nameless ones. A memory in concept only with no power to hold me or hurt me/us.
I am flat. Everything went to black and white when our "ball crashed" last Thursday.
I can't beleive I'm writing more about this. I've already humiliated myself with my wailing in pain and tantrumming in rage over this. What the hell, I expereinced non-consensual "heart play." I might as well tag on my own public humiliation scenario.
As I look back at this maybe the ball that fell from the ceiling this morning had more significance than I thought. There was no magic.
Tom
I realized then the extenet to which I'd come to expect mysticism and "magic" to be a factor in my life as I'd passed through the recently destroyed relationship with the nameless ones. I wonder how many snakes had to be squeezed to get all that oil and what has to be wrong with me to be so susceptible to it. The significance of the event is that the ball was hung by a simple small screw hook, in a plaster board ceiling, and what with all the vibrations from last nighht's thunder, it broke free and crashed to the floor. There was no magic.
We were then wide awake. Normally this would be an opportunity for us to play and make love. There has been no passion or excitment here ince our ball crashed last Thursday. I can tell Sue is longing, and I have just no interest. Even interest in my usually most outrageously exciting activity, spanking, is dead.
Each day, I'm generally better about this ending. Each day I realize too how dysfunctional I still am, and in that contrast, I realize how hard my ball crashed. And I see in the reactions to me by t and sue how much they feel hurt by my dysfunction in reaction to it.
The night before last I was up all night. It was amaizing, but I was simply wide awake, and couldn't turn my head off reviewing voice sounds, and IM's, and picutures from our brief time together. Thank god that phase seems to have ended. I am working at making them faceless and turning them to the nameless ones. A memory in concept only with no power to hold me or hurt me/us.
I am flat. Everything went to black and white when our "ball crashed" last Thursday.
I can't beleive I'm writing more about this. I've already humiliated myself with my wailing in pain and tantrumming in rage over this. What the hell, I expereinced non-consensual "heart play." I might as well tag on my own public humiliation scenario.
As I look back at this maybe the ball that fell from the ceiling this morning had more significance than I thought. There was no magic.
Tom
11/14/2005
Defining
Years ago, when I still actively participated in a large Friends meeting, I found that one of the dilemmas that regularly arose was that of social definition.
Friends tend to resist dogmatic or credal statements of belief, prefering instead to allow "spirit" to guide those who are drawn to that particular path. There is a conviction that there is but a single "truth" and that all sincere seekers will come to the same place in the light of truth through a process of common searching. Grounded in that testimony and conviction, Friends are uncommonly welcoming, open, and inclusive where other religious traditions might not be. Many "unformed" spiritual travelers find a home in the sort of unprogrammed Quaker meeting that I attended for many years. So, too, do a fair number of just plain oddballs...
I've spent hours debating how to deal with holding open a place that is welcoming and hospitable and inclusive while still defining enough of a sense of identity that the group knows and values ITSELF as an actual entity that can be differentiated from the amorphous outside that dwells beyond the boundary.
I had a similar experience with the BDSM club that I was part of in Denver. In order to survive financially, we eventually convinced ourselves that it would be good to make the space available to the local goth crowd. They liked our dungeon space because it was so "dungeon-y" -- for them, the opening up of our place worked fabulously. For us, however, that blending resulted in the eventual obliteration of "us" as a community. There were way more of "them" than there were of "us" and we were simply overrun and overruled. Our inability and unwillingness to define who we were and hold our space, ended up meaning that we ultimately had NO space at all.
That may be some of the lesson learned in this last piece for our family. Define. We know who we are at our roots; at the core. We operate on principles of BDSM, and our household dynamics include both D/s and M/s. We are a heterosexual, fMf poly triad. We have been fidelitous -- that does not necessarily mean "closed" but it does mean that we have to this point considered the impacts of opening our relationship further.
The reality is that there are all sorts of interesting and intriguing people in the world, in the lifestyle. Many of them have ideas that we find helpful, supportive, unusual, or even just fun or amazing. Doesn't mean they fit, necessarily. Awhile back for example, we met a very nice, very educated, very literate and articulate fellow who wanted to be spanked. It was somewhere our family had never gone before, and we thought it might be interesting territory to explore. He was willing and we decided there were no real reasons not to try it. He came, we ate together and the spanking event proceeded apace. It was all fine, but just not anyone's cup of tea. We should have learned...
We, maybe, need to be more willing to define our who and what and how. Having done that, we need to be unafraid to honor that without apology. If we find that there is the possibility of someone new in our mix, and that can happen we know, then we need to test and check to see where that fits.
That is not a lack of hospitality. It is not an unwillingness to be inclusive. It is truth-telling. Better, I suspect to say at the outset that this is what it looks like inside our family, and this is who we are, and how far we are willing to bend and/or stretch, than to not say those things and have the match not be made.
Ours is a unique and valuable family. Right now, I imagine there are plenty of social connections being made that align with our family outside the boundaries. So be it. This sort of "us" and "them" dynamic is common in social identity theory. People want, naturally to align with the groups that make them feel the most accepted, the most powerful, the most "like" everyone else. That is not, usually, us.
I think we have, for the first time since we all came together, seriously considered what it might mean to add to our family. That possibility came upon us suddenly and without the opportunity to think about it in any sort of reasonable framework. We were taken by storm and buffeted by a host of emotions and unexpected pressures. Given a different set of circumstances, perhaps we'd have done this differently. Perhaps. Maybe another time. For now, we are healing, integrating the information we've gained, holding on to one another, defining.
swan
Friends tend to resist dogmatic or credal statements of belief, prefering instead to allow "spirit" to guide those who are drawn to that particular path. There is a conviction that there is but a single "truth" and that all sincere seekers will come to the same place in the light of truth through a process of common searching. Grounded in that testimony and conviction, Friends are uncommonly welcoming, open, and inclusive where other religious traditions might not be. Many "unformed" spiritual travelers find a home in the sort of unprogrammed Quaker meeting that I attended for many years. So, too, do a fair number of just plain oddballs...
I've spent hours debating how to deal with holding open a place that is welcoming and hospitable and inclusive while still defining enough of a sense of identity that the group knows and values ITSELF as an actual entity that can be differentiated from the amorphous outside that dwells beyond the boundary.
I had a similar experience with the BDSM club that I was part of in Denver. In order to survive financially, we eventually convinced ourselves that it would be good to make the space available to the local goth crowd. They liked our dungeon space because it was so "dungeon-y" -- for them, the opening up of our place worked fabulously. For us, however, that blending resulted in the eventual obliteration of "us" as a community. There were way more of "them" than there were of "us" and we were simply overrun and overruled. Our inability and unwillingness to define who we were and hold our space, ended up meaning that we ultimately had NO space at all.
That may be some of the lesson learned in this last piece for our family. Define. We know who we are at our roots; at the core. We operate on principles of BDSM, and our household dynamics include both D/s and M/s. We are a heterosexual, fMf poly triad. We have been fidelitous -- that does not necessarily mean "closed" but it does mean that we have to this point considered the impacts of opening our relationship further.
The reality is that there are all sorts of interesting and intriguing people in the world, in the lifestyle. Many of them have ideas that we find helpful, supportive, unusual, or even just fun or amazing. Doesn't mean they fit, necessarily. Awhile back for example, we met a very nice, very educated, very literate and articulate fellow who wanted to be spanked. It was somewhere our family had never gone before, and we thought it might be interesting territory to explore. He was willing and we decided there were no real reasons not to try it. He came, we ate together and the spanking event proceeded apace. It was all fine, but just not anyone's cup of tea. We should have learned...
We, maybe, need to be more willing to define our who and what and how. Having done that, we need to be unafraid to honor that without apology. If we find that there is the possibility of someone new in our mix, and that can happen we know, then we need to test and check to see where that fits.
That is not a lack of hospitality. It is not an unwillingness to be inclusive. It is truth-telling. Better, I suspect to say at the outset that this is what it looks like inside our family, and this is who we are, and how far we are willing to bend and/or stretch, than to not say those things and have the match not be made.
Ours is a unique and valuable family. Right now, I imagine there are plenty of social connections being made that align with our family outside the boundaries. So be it. This sort of "us" and "them" dynamic is common in social identity theory. People want, naturally to align with the groups that make them feel the most accepted, the most powerful, the most "like" everyone else. That is not, usually, us.
I think we have, for the first time since we all came together, seriously considered what it might mean to add to our family. That possibility came upon us suddenly and without the opportunity to think about it in any sort of reasonable framework. We were taken by storm and buffeted by a host of emotions and unexpected pressures. Given a different set of circumstances, perhaps we'd have done this differently. Perhaps. Maybe another time. For now, we are healing, integrating the information we've gained, holding on to one another, defining.
swan
11/13/2005
Beginnings -- For Us
In another spot in the commenting on "Ownership" magdala expresses some uncertainty about how our particular M/s and poly dynamic came to be the way it is today. She asks:
" I am not entirely sure, and may be mistaken, but I am thinking that you evolved from poly to M/s poly? I'd have to go back and re-read to make sure."
I recognize that we, and I, get so busy doing what it is that we do, assuming the present mode, that I seldom go back and reconstruct the beginnings. I did that a lot in the early days, but the "history" has gotten long enough that I have let much of it fade into the mists. I tend to forget that there may be some for whom it might be interesting, instructive, or simply, informative. If you already know most of this, think you know it, or just don't care, skip the rest of this...
I was, like many I suspect, a closeted BDSM wannabe for most of my life. I simply assumed that I was "bad" for having those urges and desires. I married young, already pregnant, to escape a home life that was (I thought) worse than the marriage I was jumping off into. The man I married seemed steady, safe, and utterly unchallenging. It seemed like a good bargain to the 19 year old I was then. It didn't take me long to realize that I'd made a dreadful mistake, but by then I had a baby son and a second child on the way... He couldn't keep a job, couldn't satisfy me sexually, found my "urges" disgusting, and kept our family continually on the edge of financial and legal disaster. I stayed because I'd been raised to keep commitments, because he convinced me that many of the "issues" were because of how I was -- that I was the crazy one, because, with two small children, I simply didn't know what else to do. I worked my ass off, put my needs in a deep dark corner somewhere, and raised my kids.
One day, I typed "spanking" into my computer's search engine and found "Domestic Discipline." It is the vanilla-cized, sanitized, guilt-free version of BDSM, and I managed to sort of sell it to the husband. I was, for the first time in my life, getting something that I'd only ever dreamed of, fantasized about... I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! He played along, although not very enthusiastically. It was a beginning, however, and a beginning was, for me, enough.
I "met" the people who would eventually become my "family" on a DD listserve. I was so NEW. I didn't know anything about anything, and I was so hungry for connection, for knowledge, for friends... They were there, with support, affirmation, guidance. Eventually, when the husband and I felt like we needed some sort of "real time" input to expand our knowledge, we contacted the two of them to ask them for advice. We expected some sort of generic help -- perhaps a list of books to read, conferences to attend, etc. It was early days then. There wasn't the wealth of information available online that there is now. They invited us to attend Ohio Leather Fest with them. We were stunned. I was stunned!
I was also very clear about who I was, and who I was not. I understood my boundaries. I was married. I intended to stay married. I wasn't happy in my marriage, understood the shortcomings of my situation, but I was clear about the commitments I'd made. I believed that DD and perhaps BDSM might give us a way to bridge the gaps that had always existed between us. I wasn't looking for a new partner. I was looking for some teaching, some mentoring (in a strictly clinical/technical sense). I made all of that very clear from the outset, and everyone understood, and respected, those limits. We would play, but we would play within those constraints. Period.
I'd never heard the word "poly" before that trip. We discussed it then, in very limited terms, as playing (in a BDSM sense) with multiple partners. None of us, at that point, ever contemplated the much broader context of poly relating as we now practice it.
We came, we learned and taught, we played, and then we all returned to our separate lives. Except that we continued to talk and write and IM at significantly more intense levels.
Soon we were back for another visit. And then another. Then Tom and T visited us. Back and forth and back and forth...
Still, I maintained the absolute boundary -- I was married and intended to stay that way. He honored that.
He played D/s games with others in our circle and I watched from the sidelines.
Ultimately, the day came when He broke the "agreement." He took an enormous risk. He told me that He loved me. He believed that, in telling me of His feelings, He would end our friendship because He was violating the limits I'd so staunchly maintained for so long. It was the night that I melted entirely and admitted the lie that I'd been holding close to my heart -- that we were "just friends" and that I didn't have deep loving feeling for Him as well... So... Our journey into poly began in earnest.
We then began to explore the boundaries of our D/s relationship within that context. I knew, by then, that my husband was interested in BDSM on a very limited basis. He seemed quite willing for Tom and I to explore freely, and we did -- with wild and joyful abandon.
The M/s did not evolve until after we actually moved together full time. It was a designation we resisted at first. The language is so fraught with drama. We don't seem, on the face of it, to fit the mold. Our relating can seem somewhat casual to an outside observer. Ultimately, though, we came to understand that the reality between us was simply this: I belonged to Him utterly. If He asked it, I would do it, give it, become it, if I possibly could. It wasn't about the SM, or fancy labels, or titles, or any of the rest of it. It was simply who and what we were.
That's a lot of ground covered. There are plenty of details that don't show up there...
Oh well...
There are the bones...
swan
" I am not entirely sure, and may be mistaken, but I am thinking that you evolved from poly to M/s poly? I'd have to go back and re-read to make sure."
I recognize that we, and I, get so busy doing what it is that we do, assuming the present mode, that I seldom go back and reconstruct the beginnings. I did that a lot in the early days, but the "history" has gotten long enough that I have let much of it fade into the mists. I tend to forget that there may be some for whom it might be interesting, instructive, or simply, informative. If you already know most of this, think you know it, or just don't care, skip the rest of this...
I was, like many I suspect, a closeted BDSM wannabe for most of my life. I simply assumed that I was "bad" for having those urges and desires. I married young, already pregnant, to escape a home life that was (I thought) worse than the marriage I was jumping off into. The man I married seemed steady, safe, and utterly unchallenging. It seemed like a good bargain to the 19 year old I was then. It didn't take me long to realize that I'd made a dreadful mistake, but by then I had a baby son and a second child on the way... He couldn't keep a job, couldn't satisfy me sexually, found my "urges" disgusting, and kept our family continually on the edge of financial and legal disaster. I stayed because I'd been raised to keep commitments, because he convinced me that many of the "issues" were because of how I was -- that I was the crazy one, because, with two small children, I simply didn't know what else to do. I worked my ass off, put my needs in a deep dark corner somewhere, and raised my kids.
One day, I typed "spanking" into my computer's search engine and found "Domestic Discipline." It is the vanilla-cized, sanitized, guilt-free version of BDSM, and I managed to sort of sell it to the husband. I was, for the first time in my life, getting something that I'd only ever dreamed of, fantasized about... I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! He played along, although not very enthusiastically. It was a beginning, however, and a beginning was, for me, enough.
I "met" the people who would eventually become my "family" on a DD listserve. I was so NEW. I didn't know anything about anything, and I was so hungry for connection, for knowledge, for friends... They were there, with support, affirmation, guidance. Eventually, when the husband and I felt like we needed some sort of "real time" input to expand our knowledge, we contacted the two of them to ask them for advice. We expected some sort of generic help -- perhaps a list of books to read, conferences to attend, etc. It was early days then. There wasn't the wealth of information available online that there is now. They invited us to attend Ohio Leather Fest with them. We were stunned. I was stunned!
I was also very clear about who I was, and who I was not. I understood my boundaries. I was married. I intended to stay married. I wasn't happy in my marriage, understood the shortcomings of my situation, but I was clear about the commitments I'd made. I believed that DD and perhaps BDSM might give us a way to bridge the gaps that had always existed between us. I wasn't looking for a new partner. I was looking for some teaching, some mentoring (in a strictly clinical/technical sense). I made all of that very clear from the outset, and everyone understood, and respected, those limits. We would play, but we would play within those constraints. Period.
I'd never heard the word "poly" before that trip. We discussed it then, in very limited terms, as playing (in a BDSM sense) with multiple partners. None of us, at that point, ever contemplated the much broader context of poly relating as we now practice it.
We came, we learned and taught, we played, and then we all returned to our separate lives. Except that we continued to talk and write and IM at significantly more intense levels.
Soon we were back for another visit. And then another. Then Tom and T visited us. Back and forth and back and forth...
Still, I maintained the absolute boundary -- I was married and intended to stay that way. He honored that.
He played D/s games with others in our circle and I watched from the sidelines.
Ultimately, the day came when He broke the "agreement." He took an enormous risk. He told me that He loved me. He believed that, in telling me of His feelings, He would end our friendship because He was violating the limits I'd so staunchly maintained for so long. It was the night that I melted entirely and admitted the lie that I'd been holding close to my heart -- that we were "just friends" and that I didn't have deep loving feeling for Him as well... So... Our journey into poly began in earnest.
We then began to explore the boundaries of our D/s relationship within that context. I knew, by then, that my husband was interested in BDSM on a very limited basis. He seemed quite willing for Tom and I to explore freely, and we did -- with wild and joyful abandon.
The M/s did not evolve until after we actually moved together full time. It was a designation we resisted at first. The language is so fraught with drama. We don't seem, on the face of it, to fit the mold. Our relating can seem somewhat casual to an outside observer. Ultimately, though, we came to understand that the reality between us was simply this: I belonged to Him utterly. If He asked it, I would do it, give it, become it, if I possibly could. It wasn't about the SM, or fancy labels, or titles, or any of the rest of it. It was simply who and what we were.
That's a lot of ground covered. There are plenty of details that don't show up there...
Oh well...
There are the bones...
swan
What About Intention?
In a comment to the discussion about "Ownership" magdala left this gem:
"am I trying to figure out how ownership, simple possession of an object, resolves itself when the owner desires to keep the object available for the use he intended?"
It is that concept of INTENTION that has me thinking this morning, because it seems to me that, in fact, it is the intent of the Master in the M/s dynamic, that shifts the direction of His/Her action upon the slave from that of possession to something "other." Without intent, there would be no real reason for anything much else to occur beyond the mere possessing itself. Perhaps, in fact, it is the intent, and not the ownership that is most germane to the whole dynamic in the first place...
Magdala paints the pictures of the bath towel (playing off of metaphors that I set up earlier) that needs washing to remain useful, and of sterling flatware that requires polishing upon use, and careful storage to retain the luster that makes it so lovely. If I understand the question behind the pictures, she is attempting to make some sense of what the responsibilities are for maintenance and upkeep of "owned" objects that are INTENDED for use, and not merely acquired and then put away and forgotten or kept indefinitely unused. The further question I think, in the case of slaves (like me, or like her) in this context, is who bears that responsibility? She is perhaps edging toward the answer she is looking for, I suspect, in the concept of INTENT.
For me, maybe (and perhaps not for magdala or anyone else), that is to understand what my Master intends for me to be and do in this moment. I do not need to know what His overall plan is; what His long-range goal for me might be; what He expects of me next week or next month or next year. I need to do my best to comprehend what use He has for me in this present time, and how He intends that I should fulfill that role. I then need to work to accomplish that work in whatever way I can best do so. That is likely to include, but not be limited to, doing some self-maintenance and self-improvement in the mix.
It is entirely possible, even probable, that His INTENT will bring Him to act toward me in ways that bring about my betterment. He will seek my health, my happiness, my overall well-being. These actions on His part will serve His intentions for use of His property in my person. That reality does not impinge on my service to Him. It is His side of the equation; out of my control entirely. Energy that I invest in thinking about what He "should" or "ought" to be doing in that regard takes me away from my own focus and service.
There is some humbling in that division and realization. It is hard at some level to know that the decisions for and about your own care are made at two different levels: that you are given a degree of responsibility for self-maintenance BECAUSE you are property, and that the overall decisions for your care and well-being derive from the intention of One who chooses to care for you BECAUSE you are property.
Settling into that reality can bring struggle or peace.
swan
"am I trying to figure out how ownership, simple possession of an object, resolves itself when the owner desires to keep the object available for the use he intended?"
It is that concept of INTENTION that has me thinking this morning, because it seems to me that, in fact, it is the intent of the Master in the M/s dynamic, that shifts the direction of His/Her action upon the slave from that of possession to something "other." Without intent, there would be no real reason for anything much else to occur beyond the mere possessing itself. Perhaps, in fact, it is the intent, and not the ownership that is most germane to the whole dynamic in the first place...
Magdala paints the pictures of the bath towel (playing off of metaphors that I set up earlier) that needs washing to remain useful, and of sterling flatware that requires polishing upon use, and careful storage to retain the luster that makes it so lovely. If I understand the question behind the pictures, she is attempting to make some sense of what the responsibilities are for maintenance and upkeep of "owned" objects that are INTENDED for use, and not merely acquired and then put away and forgotten or kept indefinitely unused. The further question I think, in the case of slaves (like me, or like her) in this context, is who bears that responsibility? She is perhaps edging toward the answer she is looking for, I suspect, in the concept of INTENT.
For me, maybe (and perhaps not for magdala or anyone else), that is to understand what my Master intends for me to be and do in this moment. I do not need to know what His overall plan is; what His long-range goal for me might be; what He expects of me next week or next month or next year. I need to do my best to comprehend what use He has for me in this present time, and how He intends that I should fulfill that role. I then need to work to accomplish that work in whatever way I can best do so. That is likely to include, but not be limited to, doing some self-maintenance and self-improvement in the mix.
It is entirely possible, even probable, that His INTENT will bring Him to act toward me in ways that bring about my betterment. He will seek my health, my happiness, my overall well-being. These actions on His part will serve His intentions for use of His property in my person. That reality does not impinge on my service to Him. It is His side of the equation; out of my control entirely. Energy that I invest in thinking about what He "should" or "ought" to be doing in that regard takes me away from my own focus and service.
There is some humbling in that division and realization. It is hard at some level to know that the decisions for and about your own care are made at two different levels: that you are given a degree of responsibility for self-maintenance BECAUSE you are property, and that the overall decisions for your care and well-being derive from the intention of One who chooses to care for you BECAUSE you are property.
Settling into that reality can bring struggle or peace.
swan
11/12/2005
Our side of "The Thang"
I've just read Jewel's interesting account of our relationship over the last few months. It's well contrived and I'm sure many of those who relate to them will accept it. They are very good at getting people to believe in them. They are the best I've seen in that regard.
About half of what she said was true. The other half was spin and fantasy. The fact is too, that Jewels sought me out. I didn't go looking for her. She initiated all of this from the start and ended it as precipitously.
Then there is THE PICTURE. I can only say that Jewels and I discussed our play extensively for weeks before we played. What she has recounted this evening of what she expressed to me about her desires for our SM play is false. She was continuously telling me that what she wanted was my highest end play. She referred to it as "anarchistic SM." She wanted whatever my energy might take us to no matter how severe. Beyond that we discussed specifically what I proposed to do that night immediately before we played, and she consented. In fact her account of that weekend's events on her Blog, chronicled that fact, as well as the fact that this was the result of a weekend of extensive play sessions. Loki talked about how stimulated he was by Jewel's play as he listened in the next room. T was present too for our first session. We all actually played Sunday together. Everyone bottomed at one point except T. This was not some sort of non-consensual abuse.
It is interesting that when she returned from her visit here she posted this same picture for a couple of days on their Blog triumphally; entitled it The Heretic's Work accompanying a glowing account of the weekend. Now it's posted as an example of how abusive we were:) These folks are very good.
Her statements about sue are false. Sue did, in fact, become quite comfortable, in recent weeks, with Jewel's and my relationship. Jewels was expressing a strong desire for she and I to become sexual. sue had gone to the extent of inviting her to join us in our bed. It was interesting that when sue was miserable about Jewels and my relationship early on, Jewels was ever more passionate. As sue became increasingly comfortable, Jewels was increasingly more detached.
It's been interesting today. We've gotten email from others who feel that they have been treated similarly and hurt similarly by these two. They also are unwilling to do anything but express their support for us on Blog and in email. They are unwilling to speak out for fear of losing friends or causing rifts, etc.
I'm not going to do a rehash of our relationship and do a he said she said.
These folks are good. They set us up, sucked us in, led us on and then made the perfect sting. I believe the outcome of this was planned from the start. They are educated, smooth, and seemingly passionately honest and caring.
You don't need to judge anyone if you don't want to, or if you do, quite frankly your judgment of us one way or another is not anything we really care about.
Just be informed and make wise decisions who you let into your life. I wish we had.
All the best:)
Tom
To be loved is fortunate. To be hated is to achieve distinction.
About half of what she said was true. The other half was spin and fantasy. The fact is too, that Jewels sought me out. I didn't go looking for her. She initiated all of this from the start and ended it as precipitously.
Then there is THE PICTURE. I can only say that Jewels and I discussed our play extensively for weeks before we played. What she has recounted this evening of what she expressed to me about her desires for our SM play is false. She was continuously telling me that what she wanted was my highest end play. She referred to it as "anarchistic SM." She wanted whatever my energy might take us to no matter how severe. Beyond that we discussed specifically what I proposed to do that night immediately before we played, and she consented. In fact her account of that weekend's events on her Blog, chronicled that fact, as well as the fact that this was the result of a weekend of extensive play sessions. Loki talked about how stimulated he was by Jewel's play as he listened in the next room. T was present too for our first session. We all actually played Sunday together. Everyone bottomed at one point except T. This was not some sort of non-consensual abuse.
It is interesting that when she returned from her visit here she posted this same picture for a couple of days on their Blog triumphally; entitled it The Heretic's Work accompanying a glowing account of the weekend. Now it's posted as an example of how abusive we were:) These folks are very good.
Her statements about sue are false. Sue did, in fact, become quite comfortable, in recent weeks, with Jewel's and my relationship. Jewels was expressing a strong desire for she and I to become sexual. sue had gone to the extent of inviting her to join us in our bed. It was interesting that when sue was miserable about Jewels and my relationship early on, Jewels was ever more passionate. As sue became increasingly comfortable, Jewels was increasingly more detached.
It's been interesting today. We've gotten email from others who feel that they have been treated similarly and hurt similarly by these two. They also are unwilling to do anything but express their support for us on Blog and in email. They are unwilling to speak out for fear of losing friends or causing rifts, etc.
I'm not going to do a rehash of our relationship and do a he said she said.
These folks are good. They set us up, sucked us in, led us on and then made the perfect sting. I believe the outcome of this was planned from the start. They are educated, smooth, and seemingly passionately honest and caring.
You don't need to judge anyone if you don't want to, or if you do, quite frankly your judgment of us one way or another is not anything we really care about.
Just be informed and make wise decisions who you let into your life. I wish we had.
All the best:)
Tom
To be loved is fortunate. To be hated is to achieve distinction.
Thinking About "Ownership"
I've been thinking further about the questions raised by magdala in her recent discussion of issues of "ownership" in power exchange relationships here:
http://slavemagdala.blogspot.com/2005/11/your-mileage-may-vary.html
Some of that thinking took me back to reread the work done by Gabriel around the concepts of "continuous consent" and "ethical ownership/Mastery" that culminated with His "Pygmalion" post over at "Once Bitten" here:
http://keeperandkept.blogspot.com/2005/10/pygmalion-factor.html
I find that there is an argument posited that "ownership" implies and almost demands a concomitant responsibility to maintain the owned item. With the acceptance of that premise there then follows a whole set of requirements placed upon the owner to care for the "property" in specific ways or else risk earning the labels of "bad, irresponsible, neglectful, etc."
I disagree with the premise.
Ownership refers simply to the act of possessing. It may imply some legal status, although, clearly, when we speak of it in reference to consensual erotic slavery, that is not the case. However, ownership occurs when one obtains the actual legitimate possession of some property. Period. It does not hinge upon the manner in which said owner chooses to treat or care for the property. That discussion devolves to an entirely different set of vocabulary:
maintenance
stewardship
leadership
and things like--
guardian
protector
warden
keeper
mentor
monitor
teacher
guide...
The list might go on and on and on.
The reality is that if one owns a piece of property, the decisions about how to treat that property are ALL within the range of choices belonging to that person. It is entirely possible to buy a finely crafted piece of furniture and stick that lovely piece in a cold, damp, dusty barn where it will gradually, and inevitably crumble into a splintered pile of rubble. There is no requirement to do otherwise. The piece in questions remains owned property throughout.
Similarly, a Master might own a slave and choose to completely ignore that slave's needs at every level -- physical, emotional, social, spiritual. Those choices, theoretically belong entirely to the owner in a Master/slave dynamic. We can, reliably, predict the likely outcome in terms of the health and well-being of the slave and the relationship in the long-term under those circumstances, but the reality is that such a possibility could occur within the context of an Owner/owned agreement.
I did not enter into slavery against my will. Nor did I enter into it suddenly one day, an object plucked off a shelf. Ours was a dynamic that evolved slowly and organically from who we were with one another. It came to be our truth, and eventually simply had to be acknowledged.
I am cared for with great tenderness and deep love and affection. However, His choices and decisions drive the dynamic. There is no requirement for Him to care for His property in specific ways. That does not result from the fact of His ownership.
I have always found it disconcerting when submissives and slaves insist that Dominants and Masters, if they are worthy of the title, must cherish their possessions as if they are "great treasures." Many do. However that declaration and implied judgment seems to me out of place and simply topsy turvy in a world where some would bend to the hand of those who "own."
Somedays, Master's gaze falls on me with great intensity and warmth and I am all aglow. At other times, His attention and energy is, and must be elsewhere. It is as it should and must be. I know, still, who I am and to whom I belong -- always and all ways. He does not HAVE TO tell me or show me.
swan
http://slavemagdala.blogspot.com/2005/11/your-mileage-may-vary.html
Some of that thinking took me back to reread the work done by Gabriel around the concepts of "continuous consent" and "ethical ownership/Mastery" that culminated with His "Pygmalion" post over at "Once Bitten" here:
http://keeperandkept.blogspot.com/2005/10/pygmalion-factor.html
I find that there is an argument posited that "ownership" implies and almost demands a concomitant responsibility to maintain the owned item. With the acceptance of that premise there then follows a whole set of requirements placed upon the owner to care for the "property" in specific ways or else risk earning the labels of "bad, irresponsible, neglectful, etc."
I disagree with the premise.
Ownership refers simply to the act of possessing. It may imply some legal status, although, clearly, when we speak of it in reference to consensual erotic slavery, that is not the case. However, ownership occurs when one obtains the actual legitimate possession of some property. Period. It does not hinge upon the manner in which said owner chooses to treat or care for the property. That discussion devolves to an entirely different set of vocabulary:
maintenance
stewardship
leadership
and things like--
guardian
protector
warden
keeper
mentor
monitor
teacher
guide...
The list might go on and on and on.
The reality is that if one owns a piece of property, the decisions about how to treat that property are ALL within the range of choices belonging to that person. It is entirely possible to buy a finely crafted piece of furniture and stick that lovely piece in a cold, damp, dusty barn where it will gradually, and inevitably crumble into a splintered pile of rubble. There is no requirement to do otherwise. The piece in questions remains owned property throughout.
Similarly, a Master might own a slave and choose to completely ignore that slave's needs at every level -- physical, emotional, social, spiritual. Those choices, theoretically belong entirely to the owner in a Master/slave dynamic. We can, reliably, predict the likely outcome in terms of the health and well-being of the slave and the relationship in the long-term under those circumstances, but the reality is that such a possibility could occur within the context of an Owner/owned agreement.
I did not enter into slavery against my will. Nor did I enter into it suddenly one day, an object plucked off a shelf. Ours was a dynamic that evolved slowly and organically from who we were with one another. It came to be our truth, and eventually simply had to be acknowledged.
I am cared for with great tenderness and deep love and affection. However, His choices and decisions drive the dynamic. There is no requirement for Him to care for His property in specific ways. That does not result from the fact of His ownership.
I have always found it disconcerting when submissives and slaves insist that Dominants and Masters, if they are worthy of the title, must cherish their possessions as if they are "great treasures." Many do. However that declaration and implied judgment seems to me out of place and simply topsy turvy in a world where some would bend to the hand of those who "own."
Somedays, Master's gaze falls on me with great intensity and warmth and I am all aglow. At other times, His attention and energy is, and must be elsewhere. It is as it should and must be. I know, still, who I am and to whom I belong -- always and all ways. He does not HAVE TO tell me or show me.
swan
11/11/2005
"Why Walk When You Can Fly?"
It's the title to a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that is Master's favorite, and key to understanding an awful lot of what drives our household at the core:
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby.
In this world there's a whole lot of pain.
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble,
But a whole lot of ground to gain.
Why take when you could be giving?
Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a hard enough life to be living,
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow.
In this world there's a whole lot of shame.
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow,
And a whole lotta ground to gain.
When you spend your whole life wishing,
Wanting and wondering why,
It's a long enough life to be living:
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of cold.
In this world there's a whole lot of blame.
In this world you've a soul for a compass,
And a heart for a pair of wings.
There's a star on the far horizon,
Rising bright in an azure sky.
For the rest of the time that you're given,
Why walk when you can fly - high?
Ooooh.
--Mary Chapin Carpenter. --
He's driven by that conviction. Driven by that belief at the very center of who He is... He is the quintessential idealist and believer. Everything He has done, throughout a long life of striving against a system that brutalizes the weakest among us, has been founded on an idealistic, almost innocent, almost childlike BELIEF in the fact that human souls and human hearts can and must soar, that dreams can and do come true if we pursue them with faith and vigor and all the strength we possess. He does not merely use that "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams" bit as a clever tag line. For Him, it is a passionately felt, passionately followed ideal. That ideal sucks up a huge amout of time, energy, effort, power. It consumes Him, and with Him, us.
We're used to it. It is the nature of our lives. What He comes to believe in, shapes our world. Whatever He sees, we come to do, to support with our lives.
There is simply no talking Him out of His visions, His dreams.
The more cautious voices, here, might venture timid questions in the beginning; might offer some thought that perhaps it would be prudent to proceed with a bit of care. Most often though, such "old-lady" tutting gets met with incredulity as our "Don Quixote" wonders why we aren't as enthusiastic about whatever quest He has in mind for us next.
We've learned, T and I, to gather up the brooms, the dustpans, and the first aid kits, and try and keep up. Dashing about after a dreamer -- following in the wake of a sincere believer is exhilerating, if not always tidy. Sometimes believers smash into hard surfaces. Sometimes, however, they fly. When they do, they carry those of us who would be more earthbound with them, and then, oh then, the skies are glorious.
Why walk when you can fly?
swan
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby.
In this world there's a whole lot of pain.
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble,
But a whole lot of ground to gain.
Why take when you could be giving?
Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a hard enough life to be living,
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow.
In this world there's a whole lot of shame.
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow,
And a whole lotta ground to gain.
When you spend your whole life wishing,
Wanting and wondering why,
It's a long enough life to be living:
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of cold.
In this world there's a whole lot of blame.
In this world you've a soul for a compass,
And a heart for a pair of wings.
There's a star on the far horizon,
Rising bright in an azure sky.
For the rest of the time that you're given,
Why walk when you can fly - high?
Ooooh.
--Mary Chapin Carpenter. --
He's driven by that conviction. Driven by that belief at the very center of who He is... He is the quintessential idealist and believer. Everything He has done, throughout a long life of striving against a system that brutalizes the weakest among us, has been founded on an idealistic, almost innocent, almost childlike BELIEF in the fact that human souls and human hearts can and must soar, that dreams can and do come true if we pursue them with faith and vigor and all the strength we possess. He does not merely use that "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams" bit as a clever tag line. For Him, it is a passionately felt, passionately followed ideal. That ideal sucks up a huge amout of time, energy, effort, power. It consumes Him, and with Him, us.
We're used to it. It is the nature of our lives. What He comes to believe in, shapes our world. Whatever He sees, we come to do, to support with our lives.
There is simply no talking Him out of His visions, His dreams.
The more cautious voices, here, might venture timid questions in the beginning; might offer some thought that perhaps it would be prudent to proceed with a bit of care. Most often though, such "old-lady" tutting gets met with incredulity as our "Don Quixote" wonders why we aren't as enthusiastic about whatever quest He has in mind for us next.
We've learned, T and I, to gather up the brooms, the dustpans, and the first aid kits, and try and keep up. Dashing about after a dreamer -- following in the wake of a sincere believer is exhilerating, if not always tidy. Sometimes believers smash into hard surfaces. Sometimes, however, they fly. When they do, they carry those of us who would be more earthbound with them, and then, oh then, the skies are glorious.
Why walk when you can fly?
swan
Less Than Tickled Camper
Yanno....I am the one who just sorta cruises along. A few years ago I almost died. And it puts alot of things into perspective. Cuts the chaff from the wheat. Makes you sit back and decide what is worth your time and breath and what can just go "bye bye".
I don't blog much. I started around the BDSM circles online many years ago. Back on Prodigy. I used to spend hours online discussing the "life" and how deep and meaningful everything was because of BDSM. ::insert deep dramatic sigh here:: And how simply no one else could possibly understand unless they lived the life 24/7. I have grown up. 24/7 is no picnic. It is work. And anyone who thinks they can walk into my life and take it on and think it will be a piece of cake is nuts.
Poly is hard. It is work. More love make more love, sure. But it is also more work. Some people seem to think that because Tom has Swan and me, his life is easier. That all of our lives are easier. Well, folks, that ain't so. We have to work at it. We have to schedule it. We have to negotiate it. And sometimes we don't all get what we want. There are days that I want more. There are times when I want to scream that it isn't fair to share. But that is not because of Swan. It is because of Tom's job. You see he is a very dedicated professional who has thousands of people depending on him to keep them safe & alive. Without Tom's advocacy these people would be homeless, destitute, or probably dead. He has saved lives. And he works his ass off. And Swan and I work around that schedule to have our family time. We do what is necessary to give him the down-time he needs to recharge and go battle the dragons that want to hurt his people. He works a regular week like most folks... AND ...he has evening meetings, like some folks... AND ...he works alot of Saturdays ...like a few folks. And when people think that they deserve more of his time than I know he is able to give without completely exhausting himself I get a little ticked. Well.....make that ALOT ticked.
And I just have to say... that just because ya don't get 1 on 1 time and lots of conversation, well too bad, so sad ...if you had removed the rose colored glasses and not spoon fed Tom a dish of crap in the first place... you would have realized that this is the Real World. We could all end up being "very nice friends" ....instead of this.
"I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and S." I gotta tell ya that line sucks big time. Not our faults. Don't go there. Not fair. You asked for this.
You blindsided him. You hurt him. We will pickup the pieces of the pain you have caused. In your need to: "But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress." "I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real." I believe this is where I would insert "real bulls**t". Locked triad. We were willing to be open. We were happily welcoming you into our home. But you "wanted to see how things might progress"? Yet you say you "never played or toyed with" Tom's affections??? Errrr....ahhhh.....duh!!!! Plain and simple you came, you played, you didn't get the brass ring, and you took your toys and went home.
The reason many Triads never expand is people like you. People who try to insert themselves into a group and never really take the time to learn about the family, they just go for the Alpha member thinking that by landing that catch, they will be able to ride along under their protection. Make no mistake. I am the peaceful one. I am the one who just sorta cruises along. But I am also fiercely protective of my family. And more than anything, I am protective of Tom. You have hurt him. And that hurts me. I can live with the loss of you. But I will NEVER forgive you for causing pain to Tom.
T
I don't blog much. I started around the BDSM circles online many years ago. Back on Prodigy. I used to spend hours online discussing the "life" and how deep and meaningful everything was because of BDSM. ::insert deep dramatic sigh here:: And how simply no one else could possibly understand unless they lived the life 24/7. I have grown up. 24/7 is no picnic. It is work. And anyone who thinks they can walk into my life and take it on and think it will be a piece of cake is nuts.
Poly is hard. It is work. More love make more love, sure. But it is also more work. Some people seem to think that because Tom has Swan and me, his life is easier. That all of our lives are easier. Well, folks, that ain't so. We have to work at it. We have to schedule it. We have to negotiate it. And sometimes we don't all get what we want. There are days that I want more. There are times when I want to scream that it isn't fair to share. But that is not because of Swan. It is because of Tom's job. You see he is a very dedicated professional who has thousands of people depending on him to keep them safe & alive. Without Tom's advocacy these people would be homeless, destitute, or probably dead. He has saved lives. And he works his ass off. And Swan and I work around that schedule to have our family time. We do what is necessary to give him the down-time he needs to recharge and go battle the dragons that want to hurt his people. He works a regular week like most folks... AND ...he has evening meetings, like some folks... AND ...he works alot of Saturdays ...like a few folks. And when people think that they deserve more of his time than I know he is able to give without completely exhausting himself I get a little ticked. Well.....make that ALOT ticked.
And I just have to say... that just because ya don't get 1 on 1 time and lots of conversation, well too bad, so sad ...if you had removed the rose colored glasses and not spoon fed Tom a dish of crap in the first place... you would have realized that this is the Real World. We could all end up being "very nice friends" ....instead of this.
"I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and S." I gotta tell ya that line sucks big time. Not our faults. Don't go there. Not fair. You asked for this.
You blindsided him. You hurt him. We will pickup the pieces of the pain you have caused. In your need to: "But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress." "I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real." I believe this is where I would insert "real bulls**t". Locked triad. We were willing to be open. We were happily welcoming you into our home. But you "wanted to see how things might progress"? Yet you say you "never played or toyed with" Tom's affections??? Errrr....ahhhh.....duh!!!! Plain and simple you came, you played, you didn't get the brass ring, and you took your toys and went home.
The reason many Triads never expand is people like you. People who try to insert themselves into a group and never really take the time to learn about the family, they just go for the Alpha member thinking that by landing that catch, they will be able to ride along under their protection. Make no mistake. I am the peaceful one. I am the one who just sorta cruises along. But I am also fiercely protective of my family. And more than anything, I am protective of Tom. You have hurt him. And that hurts me. I can live with the loss of you. But I will NEVER forgive you for causing pain to Tom.
T
11/10/2005
Let me just say this one thing...
It has been a terribly painful day here. The suddenness with which our anticipated visit was cancelled -- with no real warning -- has left great bewilderment, anger, and hurt on this end of the equation.
I was not sure what to say when the email first came through that dropped the hammer this morning. After all, I am not "in" the middle of the relationship -- I've come to be one who has learned to cheer quietly from the side, to say, "don't you need to call, or call back?" I was looking forward to those days and nights, to seeing what I might learn about the folks I'd come to count as family, and I was relishing the joy I'd seen on my Master's face as the date approached...
And now there is much hurt to deal with, but that will be taken care of here. We will go on. Wiser perhaps.
I do feel backhanded, personally, by this bit from the "Dear John" letter, however--
"have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so."
I know I was slow to "get on the wagon" with all of this. I know I was caught off guard, slow to warm up, slow to become "a good friend," but when I tell someone I'm OK, when I actually do "get there," I expect to be taken at my word. I resent this continuing niggling bit of blame. I especially resent it now, when it is being used as an excuse to inflict hurt on one who does not deserve it.
swan
I was not sure what to say when the email first came through that dropped the hammer this morning. After all, I am not "in" the middle of the relationship -- I've come to be one who has learned to cheer quietly from the side, to say, "don't you need to call, or call back?" I was looking forward to those days and nights, to seeing what I might learn about the folks I'd come to count as family, and I was relishing the joy I'd seen on my Master's face as the date approached...
And now there is much hurt to deal with, but that will be taken care of here. We will go on. Wiser perhaps.
I do feel backhanded, personally, by this bit from the "Dear John" letter, however--
"have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so."
I know I was slow to "get on the wagon" with all of this. I know I was caught off guard, slow to warm up, slow to become "a good friend," but when I tell someone I'm OK, when I actually do "get there," I expect to be taken at my word. I resent this continuing niggling bit of blame. I especially resent it now, when it is being used as an excuse to inflict hurt on one who does not deserve it.
swan
Ending Poly Relationships
I/ we were stunned this morning to receive this email and the subsequent lack of response to this series of correspondence. It is clear that in dealing with potential correspondents and partners in polyamorous relationships people need to be careful. As can be seen in the subsequent correspondence, especially by those who have followed this here, Internet predators are prevalent, and can scam even the most experienced and mature individuals. It is clear that I am going to get no response to my email in regard to this so I am making it public in hope that others are not “experimented” with.
Hi Tom,
There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to have to say it. I need to write this out because I'm afraid the words won't come outright over the phone. Although we can certainly talk whenever you have time. I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. And they really haven't. This doesn't mean that I don't love you or care about the three of you. But I'm just not getting anything substantial from our interactions.
I do care for you (all of you) as friends and I hope saying this won't make you hate me. I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real. But I don't want to try to make this something that it isn't. Loki and I have talked and have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so. I hope you all will forgive me. I do love you and know that you love me. Please accept that this decision will give me peace. I wish the same for you.
Love, Jewels
__________________________________________________
I was pretty devastated this morning reading this. I didn't really know what to say with you when we IM'ed. I ended it quickly. I was hurting a lot and wanted to get away.
I cried a good bit this morning and then fortunately the demands of a heavy schedule for most of the day gave me a lot of relief in focusing entirely elsewhere. I'm amazed how empty and gray things suddenly seem.
I really had in this short time come to think of my life as including you and now I feel like that is suddenly gone. To a greater extent that included you both and that too feels absent. T's reaction was "how sad" and feeling bad for how hurt I felt. Sue was disappointed. She said she finally had gotten comfortable with "us" and was really looking forward to this visit as one she was going to enjoy and participate in....and now that she's finally ready, it's over. And of course too she was sad for what I was feeling.
I guess I have mixed feelings of having failed us, to wanting to say "what did you expect form me!? I tried to give what I had." I guess it's clear what "I had' was way inadequate.
You don't have to respond. I'll certainly get past this and life will of course go on and continue to get better or not depending on whatever else comes. You are such a wonderful person. I really did let you take residence in my heart and your departure, or my abandonment, or whatever it is that happened has left me pretty floored and bereft.
I loved you,
Tom
______________________________________
In a message dated 11/9/2005 5:30:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, lockandki@gmail.com writes:
I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
You know, as I think about this I'm becoming increasingly pissed. I've never said that I had time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You're exactly right I never will.
You predicated your end of this relationship on some sort of astrological mumbo jumbo that talked about how we were connected and that we would have this relationship that ebbed and flowed and was a long term connection for years and that we would be separated and would have brief times when we were together but that we would be apart. There also was this somehow irresistible calling you heard to have to respond to me. It seems that then long-termness extends about three weeks of my being very busy and preoccupied and the irresistible calling was pretty short-lived.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. I never played you or toyed with your affections.
I'd be interested to understand how you reconcile "knew from the beginning"...... we were a 'locked triad"......"but wanted to see how things might progress" and "I never played you and toyed with your affections."
I know I'm very hurt and becoming very angry. I don't want to burn bridges of what might be a friendship but this is impossible to accept. You are a couple of bright and very neat people, but I have a hard time having this happen and then being told specifically that you knew we were "locked", but wanted to see how things "would progress" in combination with "I didn't play you."
I hope your experiment was entertaining. I hope this was good for you. It has been for me until now. Now it's quite frankly terrible. I do feel betrayed. Hell, you've stated you betrayed me/us in describing your preemptive statement that you didn't play me.
You said we were about learning and I'm sure you were right. The next time I feel an amazing "love" for some Internet connection, I'll just go out and slam my balls in the car door a couple of times and forget about it. It will hurt a lot less and will save a lot of wasted time.
Tom
P. S. You know, I don't know how many times in our chats over the last few weeks I apologized for the time my life was taking away from us, or for my need to start exercising again, or thanked you for remaining so steadfast despite all the ebbs and flows of energies. You told me you were a stubborn Taurus and would be fine. You always told me it was fine and not to worry etc. It clearly was not fine. I go from every expression to you talking about being concerned about our time together and lacks of energy, etc., being not anything to worry about, to, out of the blue, getting a "Dear John." Might there have been an in between of saying you know I need more from you than what I'm getting?I was living for our being together again in two weeks. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Tom,
There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to have to say it. I need to write this out because I'm afraid the words won't come outright over the phone. Although we can certainly talk whenever you have time. I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. And they really haven't. This doesn't mean that I don't love you or care about the three of you. But I'm just not getting anything substantial from our interactions.
I do care for you (all of you) as friends and I hope saying this won't make you hate me. I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real. But I don't want to try to make this something that it isn't. Loki and I have talked and have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so. I hope you all will forgive me. I do love you and know that you love me. Please accept that this decision will give me peace. I wish the same for you.
Love, Jewels
__________________________________________________
I was pretty devastated this morning reading this. I didn't really know what to say with you when we IM'ed. I ended it quickly. I was hurting a lot and wanted to get away.
I cried a good bit this morning and then fortunately the demands of a heavy schedule for most of the day gave me a lot of relief in focusing entirely elsewhere. I'm amazed how empty and gray things suddenly seem.
I really had in this short time come to think of my life as including you and now I feel like that is suddenly gone. To a greater extent that included you both and that too feels absent. T's reaction was "how sad" and feeling bad for how hurt I felt. Sue was disappointed. She said she finally had gotten comfortable with "us" and was really looking forward to this visit as one she was going to enjoy and participate in....and now that she's finally ready, it's over. And of course too she was sad for what I was feeling.
I guess I have mixed feelings of having failed us, to wanting to say "what did you expect form me!? I tried to give what I had." I guess it's clear what "I had' was way inadequate.
You don't have to respond. I'll certainly get past this and life will of course go on and continue to get better or not depending on whatever else comes. You are such a wonderful person. I really did let you take residence in my heart and your departure, or my abandonment, or whatever it is that happened has left me pretty floored and bereft.
I loved you,
Tom
______________________________________
In a message dated 11/9/2005 5:30:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, lockandki@gmail.com writes:
I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
You know, as I think about this I'm becoming increasingly pissed. I've never said that I had time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You're exactly right I never will.
You predicated your end of this relationship on some sort of astrological mumbo jumbo that talked about how we were connected and that we would have this relationship that ebbed and flowed and was a long term connection for years and that we would be separated and would have brief times when we were together but that we would be apart. There also was this somehow irresistible calling you heard to have to respond to me. It seems that then long-termness extends about three weeks of my being very busy and preoccupied and the irresistible calling was pretty short-lived.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. I never played you or toyed with your affections.
I'd be interested to understand how you reconcile "knew from the beginning"...... we were a 'locked triad"......"but wanted to see how things might progress" and "I never played you and toyed with your affections."
I know I'm very hurt and becoming very angry. I don't want to burn bridges of what might be a friendship but this is impossible to accept. You are a couple of bright and very neat people, but I have a hard time having this happen and then being told specifically that you knew we were "locked", but wanted to see how things "would progress" in combination with "I didn't play you."
I hope your experiment was entertaining. I hope this was good for you. It has been for me until now. Now it's quite frankly terrible. I do feel betrayed. Hell, you've stated you betrayed me/us in describing your preemptive statement that you didn't play me.
You said we were about learning and I'm sure you were right. The next time I feel an amazing "love" for some Internet connection, I'll just go out and slam my balls in the car door a couple of times and forget about it. It will hurt a lot less and will save a lot of wasted time.
Tom
P. S. You know, I don't know how many times in our chats over the last few weeks I apologized for the time my life was taking away from us, or for my need to start exercising again, or thanked you for remaining so steadfast despite all the ebbs and flows of energies. You told me you were a stubborn Taurus and would be fine. You always told me it was fine and not to worry etc. It clearly was not fine. I go from every expression to you talking about being concerned about our time together and lacks of energy, etc., being not anything to worry about, to, out of the blue, getting a "Dear John." Might there have been an in between of saying you know I need more from you than what I'm getting?I was living for our being together again in two weeks. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Just Writing...
For me, it has been an interesting and good time. So much has opened up and eased up, that I have simply watched and reveled in it all, and been almost too amazed to even report on it. Or maybe I've been a bit superstitious -- afraid that putting words to it might make it vanish in a puff of smoke...
Too, so much has happened so quickly, that I've not had time to report any of it in any sort of sensible sequence. Life has conspired. Again. Complexities take focus. For me at least. Especially when they are wrapped up in seeming miraculous wonderments.
So...
Focus and report...
I woke up sexually here somewhere again! Yee Haw! Had about given up. Not happily given up, but resigned myself that it simply was the reality and condition of my "age." Seemed that there was not a damned thing that anyone could offer me or tell me that would work to revive the "girlie" parts from their swoon into eternal somnolence. Then, suddenly, just as suddenly as they'd departed from active duty, there they were back -- horny as hell and demanding that somebody pay attention!!! ZOWIE! Mostly this is fabulous news. A little complicated, due to the simple fact that I am like a teenager in heat... I understand that it is inappropriate to jump everything with a penis on the face of the planet -- I'm just not entirely sure WHY it is considered inappropriate... I think I knew the answer to that question once... AHEM.
I'm just happy. Happy with my family. Happy with my life. Happy with our household. Happy with Master. Happy. I understand that there are a gazillion things about the world that need fixing -- socially, economically, politically, etc. I know that there are a host of wrongs that need to be righted and that there are way too few resources to throw at all the many, many problems that are pressing on us right now. I am not Pollyanna. Still, when I open my eyes in the morning and when I settle into sleep at night, my life is as good as I ever dreamed it could possibly be. If I won the monster lotto jackpot and could retire and play from here on out, or travel around the world fixing all the things that need fixing and preaching the kind of tolerance and acceptance that I wish the world would learn and practice, that would be kewl and neat, but I doubt I'd be any happier than I am right now.
Some of the struggling to understand my place as slave and my relationship within this dynamic has taken me to deeper places in my own awareness. I am finding myself fantasizing more again. Dreaming again. Ready again to journey in that way. Part of that has been a lot of time spent reminiscing about things we used to do and don't do so much anymore...coming to understand what the role was of some of those old abandoned styles of play and how it is that we shifted away from them. Some of what I've found myself doing is sharing some of what helps me go deeper, some of what is invading my dreams and my fantasies, some of my questions and wonderings. We are under a lot of time stressors and time constraints, and energy is limited, but it has been fascinating to find that some of what I am dreaming in the dark of night, He has also been thinking about. I wonder: am I reading His thinking, or is He walking my dreams? Either way, He has been more physical with me lately, and it is good. I am feeling more at home. Safer. More secure. Closer.
swan
Too, so much has happened so quickly, that I've not had time to report any of it in any sort of sensible sequence. Life has conspired. Again. Complexities take focus. For me at least. Especially when they are wrapped up in seeming miraculous wonderments.
So...
Focus and report...
I woke up sexually here somewhere again! Yee Haw! Had about given up. Not happily given up, but resigned myself that it simply was the reality and condition of my "age." Seemed that there was not a damned thing that anyone could offer me or tell me that would work to revive the "girlie" parts from their swoon into eternal somnolence. Then, suddenly, just as suddenly as they'd departed from active duty, there they were back -- horny as hell and demanding that somebody pay attention!!! ZOWIE! Mostly this is fabulous news. A little complicated, due to the simple fact that I am like a teenager in heat... I understand that it is inappropriate to jump everything with a penis on the face of the planet -- I'm just not entirely sure WHY it is considered inappropriate... I think I knew the answer to that question once... AHEM.
I'm just happy. Happy with my family. Happy with my life. Happy with our household. Happy with Master. Happy. I understand that there are a gazillion things about the world that need fixing -- socially, economically, politically, etc. I know that there are a host of wrongs that need to be righted and that there are way too few resources to throw at all the many, many problems that are pressing on us right now. I am not Pollyanna. Still, when I open my eyes in the morning and when I settle into sleep at night, my life is as good as I ever dreamed it could possibly be. If I won the monster lotto jackpot and could retire and play from here on out, or travel around the world fixing all the things that need fixing and preaching the kind of tolerance and acceptance that I wish the world would learn and practice, that would be kewl and neat, but I doubt I'd be any happier than I am right now.
Some of the struggling to understand my place as slave and my relationship within this dynamic has taken me to deeper places in my own awareness. I am finding myself fantasizing more again. Dreaming again. Ready again to journey in that way. Part of that has been a lot of time spent reminiscing about things we used to do and don't do so much anymore...coming to understand what the role was of some of those old abandoned styles of play and how it is that we shifted away from them. Some of what I've found myself doing is sharing some of what helps me go deeper, some of what is invading my dreams and my fantasies, some of my questions and wonderings. We are under a lot of time stressors and time constraints, and energy is limited, but it has been fascinating to find that some of what I am dreaming in the dark of night, He has also been thinking about. I wonder: am I reading His thinking, or is He walking my dreams? Either way, He has been more physical with me lately, and it is good. I am feeling more at home. Safer. More secure. Closer.
swan
11/08/2005
Maybe This Shouldn't Bug Me, But...
I've been involved in a discussion over on magdala's blog about feeling "unslave-like." It is, I think, sensitive and difficult territory for those of us who follow this path. I've been there. I know how really hard it is to sort through all the emotions and fears that the questions bring up.
She's got an anonymous (figures) commenter who has come in a couple of times in the discourse with points that might be well taken except for TONE. Magdala hasn't objected, but I sure feel like she ought to.
Why is it that some people feel like it is OK to talk to someone who identifies as a slave like this:
"...Shut-up and take your punishment. Slave."
and
"...boredom is a normal consequence or your situation. He has other things to do and other things to think about. So shut-up, wait upon your master"
Excuse me? Is such rudeness necessary? What agreement, protocol, relational understanding gives an unnamed stranger permission to treat another with such contempt? The label slave identifies a relationship that is specific to a very intimate relationship. It is not public, and it does not convey power to all and sundry. The arrogance!
I read these comments, and I cannot "get" the message contained in them because I am overwhelmed by the lack of breeding displayed by the individual.
On the other hand, I am most impressed by magdala's composure and poise in the face of such lack of manners.
swan
She's got an anonymous (figures) commenter who has come in a couple of times in the discourse with points that might be well taken except for TONE. Magdala hasn't objected, but I sure feel like she ought to.
Why is it that some people feel like it is OK to talk to someone who identifies as a slave like this:
"...Shut-up and take your punishment. Slave."
and
"...boredom is a normal consequence or your situation. He has other things to do and other things to think about. So shut-up, wait upon your master"
Excuse me? Is such rudeness necessary? What agreement, protocol, relational understanding gives an unnamed stranger permission to treat another with such contempt? The label slave identifies a relationship that is specific to a very intimate relationship. It is not public, and it does not convey power to all and sundry. The arrogance!
I read these comments, and I cannot "get" the message contained in them because I am overwhelmed by the lack of breeding displayed by the individual.
On the other hand, I am most impressed by magdala's composure and poise in the face of such lack of manners.
swan
11/06/2005
Boredom
Magdala has a very interesting, very thought-provoking post about slavery and BOREDOM http://slavemagdala.blogspot.com/2005/11/unslavelike.html
Maybe it doesn't arise as an issue for everyone. I doubt that it comes up at all for those who do "What it is that we do" at a more casual, more negotiable level, with more outs and more choices for the non-dominant partner. However, magdala's words spoke to me and FOR me in deep places. Boredom is part of the condition of consensual slavery -- at least for me, at least sometimes.
When one enters into circumstances where the understanding is that there is a status that is acknowledged to be that of "property," there are certain realities that come into play. Some of those realities take time to sink into the conscious awareness, and then to accommodate.
Many people engage in erotic power exchange in their relationships for many reasons. I believe that the most common reason for entering into power exchange relationship dynamics is that it adds excitement and interest to otherwise pedestrian connections. There is nothing wrong with that. Many submissives and bottoms like the added attention that power exchange brings them. I found that the D/s, Domestic Discipline, and Top/bottom types of interactions that I engaged in prior to entering into M/s required an almost continual active sort of interaction between my partner and I to keep that "energy" going. It was exhilarating at a lot of different levels. Erotic slavery has a different sort of rhythm to it...
Master "owns" all sorts of things: automobiles, bath towels, shoes, a leather coat, his brief case, home furnishings, collectible knives... And me. He expects his possessions to be there for His use when and where He wants them. He values them. He enjoys them. Some of them, He even "treasures" or "loves." Still, He doesn't normally pay a great deal of attention to them when He isn't actively needing them or using them. They exist for His use, His pleasure, His enjoyment, and to make His life better and happier. He doesn't expect or want to invest a great deal of energy into His possessions. When I became "property," I entered into that state, at a certain level.
Now, the reality is that I am not merely an object. I have needs, desires, feelings. There are those, in the life who follow a path of "objectification" of the slave. That is not our way and I have not got enough experience or understanding with that path to comment on it here. I do know that, for me, dealing with my needs, desires, feelings becomes part of my service to Master. I cannot place my wanting more attention on Him as a requirement. It becomes my task, my responsibility, to soothe myself, to find my center, to become calm. Waiting is, by times, a condition of my slavery. He will not, and should not be expected to attend to my needs. The other way around is the nature of our dynamic.
That sense of "boredom" is a symptom. I am learning, slowly, to look at it and wonder what it is pointing at in me. What is the deeper feeling that is appearing as "boredom?" Am I afraid? Insecure? Hungry? Lonely? Angry? Resentful? Overwhelmed? Needing direction?
I am also learning to use the spaces of waiting to take care of the me that dwells inside where it is quiet. The hours of patient stillness can be turned to looking to the one who struggles with the collar I wear so uneasily sometimes. In those quiet minutes and hours, I can listen and visit with her and make sure that the dialog with the slave self is positive and not merely self-pitying. I tell my students that "I'm bored..." Is self-defeating for them as learners. I just need to remember that it is as true for me as it is for them...
Slave may be something that I "am." In the depths of my being I believe that is true. Doing it however, is something else altogether. Learning the actual skills, like learning anything else, takes practice and time and sincere effort.
Thank you, magdala, for the words that set me thinking.
swan
Maybe it doesn't arise as an issue for everyone. I doubt that it comes up at all for those who do "What it is that we do" at a more casual, more negotiable level, with more outs and more choices for the non-dominant partner. However, magdala's words spoke to me and FOR me in deep places. Boredom is part of the condition of consensual slavery -- at least for me, at least sometimes.
When one enters into circumstances where the understanding is that there is a status that is acknowledged to be that of "property," there are certain realities that come into play. Some of those realities take time to sink into the conscious awareness, and then to accommodate.
Many people engage in erotic power exchange in their relationships for many reasons. I believe that the most common reason for entering into power exchange relationship dynamics is that it adds excitement and interest to otherwise pedestrian connections. There is nothing wrong with that. Many submissives and bottoms like the added attention that power exchange brings them. I found that the D/s, Domestic Discipline, and Top/bottom types of interactions that I engaged in prior to entering into M/s required an almost continual active sort of interaction between my partner and I to keep that "energy" going. It was exhilarating at a lot of different levels. Erotic slavery has a different sort of rhythm to it...
Master "owns" all sorts of things: automobiles, bath towels, shoes, a leather coat, his brief case, home furnishings, collectible knives... And me. He expects his possessions to be there for His use when and where He wants them. He values them. He enjoys them. Some of them, He even "treasures" or "loves." Still, He doesn't normally pay a great deal of attention to them when He isn't actively needing them or using them. They exist for His use, His pleasure, His enjoyment, and to make His life better and happier. He doesn't expect or want to invest a great deal of energy into His possessions. When I became "property," I entered into that state, at a certain level.
Now, the reality is that I am not merely an object. I have needs, desires, feelings. There are those, in the life who follow a path of "objectification" of the slave. That is not our way and I have not got enough experience or understanding with that path to comment on it here. I do know that, for me, dealing with my needs, desires, feelings becomes part of my service to Master. I cannot place my wanting more attention on Him as a requirement. It becomes my task, my responsibility, to soothe myself, to find my center, to become calm. Waiting is, by times, a condition of my slavery. He will not, and should not be expected to attend to my needs. The other way around is the nature of our dynamic.
That sense of "boredom" is a symptom. I am learning, slowly, to look at it and wonder what it is pointing at in me. What is the deeper feeling that is appearing as "boredom?" Am I afraid? Insecure? Hungry? Lonely? Angry? Resentful? Overwhelmed? Needing direction?
I am also learning to use the spaces of waiting to take care of the me that dwells inside where it is quiet. The hours of patient stillness can be turned to looking to the one who struggles with the collar I wear so uneasily sometimes. In those quiet minutes and hours, I can listen and visit with her and make sure that the dialog with the slave self is positive and not merely self-pitying. I tell my students that "I'm bored..." Is self-defeating for them as learners. I just need to remember that it is as true for me as it is for them...
Slave may be something that I "am." In the depths of my being I believe that is true. Doing it however, is something else altogether. Learning the actual skills, like learning anything else, takes practice and time and sincere effort.
Thank you, magdala, for the words that set me thinking.
swan
11/05/2005
Too Tall
That's me on the first day of 4th grade. Nine years old. Tall and skinny.
By the next year, 5th grade, I was 5'-8" tall and towered over my teacher, and all of my classmates.
"Stand up straight!" was my mother's constant admonishment. Desperately, I slouched through my adolescence, trying to disguise the reality of my eventual 5'-11" frame. The gangliness was only emphasized by the fact that, until the birth of my second child, I only barely cleared 120 pounds most of the time. No one talked about anorexia in those years...
My arms hung from coat sleeves, and I never owned any pair of pants that weren't "high water" pants.
I was the walking, talking, living incarnation of "Too Tall Jones."
Today, I've mostly come to terms with my height. The world has gotten taller around me. Kids today grow taller than they did when I was young.
Still, the boys at school use me as one of the benchmarks by which they measure their stature: "taller than Ms. D." is a milestone on the way to manhood...
My "swan" moniker came about in large part BECAUSE of that height, and I wear it proudly. Mostly.
But...
Sometimes it is so clear that the world is made for those women who are NOT too tall... NOT 5'-11" tall. The world is largely made with the built in assumption that real women are small, petite, short (or at least shorter than me) -- maybe 5'-5" or 5'-6" tall. It gets driven home, for me these days, when I try to fold my long limbs and long torso, into the stocks...
He woke up this morning having fantasized all night about putting "people" into the stocks and whipping them with the rubber whip. Just the mention of it took my breath away in my still sleepy state. But I settled my breathing and calmed the butterflies and walked over to the stocks with quiet resolve.
Then the real battle began. I just fucking don't fit. Too tall!!! No matter how I bend, twist, wriggle, squirm, it is a struggle just to get into the thing. My head goes through the hole and my wrists fit into the openings as do my ankles. It is just that once there, there is no place to put all the extra length in between -- too much body, too much leg... I tilt it at an odd angle, and then I can barely breathe, and it stretches my neck and strains my shoulders and wrenches my hips and my knees. The struggle with the wood is hideous. I can't relax into the restraint because I am struggling just to stay alive -- I am TOO DAMN TALL!!!
Damn! Damn! and double Damn!!!
No way to be graceful. No way to be lovely. No way to bend far enough. Only surgical removal of about 5 or 6 inches would remedy this "long-coming".
I breathed and gasped my way through part of the whipping, but I know He cut it way shorter than He wanted to. I felt a failure and a mess and a disappointment. I feel hideously frustrated because I simply do not fit -- not there and not on the bench. The only place I fit is on the frame that I designed for my height, and it is so hard to set up that we seldom use it.
Sigh...
Too tall to fit anywhere.
swan
The Swan's Heart
"SWAN
Grace, Beauty, Power of Self
The Swan is one of the most powerful
and ancient of totems.
As you begin to realize your own true beauty,
you unfold the ability to bridge
new realms and new powers.
Swan can show you how to the inner beauty
within yourself and in others.
A Swan totem heralds a time of altered states of awareness
and the development of intuitive abilities.
Swan people have the ability to see the future,
and to accept the healing and transformation that is beginning in their lives.
Accept your ability and go with the flow.
Stop denying you know who is calling when the phone rings.
Pay attention to your hunches and inner knowledge,
and Swan medicine will work through you.
The Swan's call teaches the mysteries of song and poetry,
for these touch the child and the beauty within."
....... yepper....that's my sister-heart.
Grace, Beauty, Power of Self
The Swan is one of the most powerful
and ancient of totems.
As you begin to realize your own true beauty,
you unfold the ability to bridge
new realms and new powers.
Swan can show you how to the inner beauty
within yourself and in others.
A Swan totem heralds a time of altered states of awareness
and the development of intuitive abilities.
Swan people have the ability to see the future,
and to accept the healing and transformation that is beginning in their lives.
Accept your ability and go with the flow.
Stop denying you know who is calling when the phone rings.
Pay attention to your hunches and inner knowledge,
and Swan medicine will work through you.
The Swan's call teaches the mysteries of song and poetry,
for these touch the child and the beauty within."
....... yepper....that's my sister-heart.
And Good Grief! Here's Another One!!!
A Meme From Searabbit (but, I got it from jewels, too)
1. Were you named after anyone? My middle name comes from my maternal grandmother. My parents modified it a bit so it isn't quite as old-fashioned sounding as it might have been. Unfortunately, I don't think they ever tried saying my whole name out loud. You can't say the thing together without spitting -- too many "s's" and "z's" together for the average human being to manage. When I married and dumped that "maiden" name, life got a little easier from that standpoint.
2. When did you last cry? This morning when my too-tall frame didn't fit gracefully into the stocks yet again -- a continual disappointment to me...
3. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast beef piled up way high with horseraddish and lots of good cheese and... Oh. Sorry. Just the meat. Right.
4. what is your most embarrasing cd? Not sure I have one. I don't buy music that I don't love.
5. Where is your second home? No second home. My only home is where we are all together.
6. Do you trust others too easily? Hell no!
7. what was your favorite toy as a child? Toy? I had a secret treasure box though...
8. would you bungee jump? I am terrified of heights. I don't jump off of anything.
9. Do you think you are strong? Yes.
10. What are your favorite colors? Red, green, brown, blue
11. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? I get scared and I get myself all tangled up in my head.
12. Who do you miss the most? my kids.
13. What was the last thing you ate? shredded wheat and bannana and yogurt
14. If you were a crayon, which color would you be? blue-green
15. What is the weather out right now? pale sun and warm with a light breeze
16. Last person you talked to on the phone? Master
17. Do you wear contacts? No
18. Last movie you watched? Something called Julia with Jane Fonda
19. Favorite day of the year? The day that school is out -- and the day that school starts (for different reasons).
20. Where would you want to go on your next vacation? away
21. Favorite smells? citrus and sage (yankee candles), Thanksgiving dinner cooking, the way it smells when I snuggle into Master's chest
22. What's the furthest you've been away from home? Probably Hawaii or maybe Cancun, Mexico... not sure. Partly depends on what you define as "home."
I won't tag you, but if you want to play, go for it...
swan
1. Were you named after anyone? My middle name comes from my maternal grandmother. My parents modified it a bit so it isn't quite as old-fashioned sounding as it might have been. Unfortunately, I don't think they ever tried saying my whole name out loud. You can't say the thing together without spitting -- too many "s's" and "z's" together for the average human being to manage. When I married and dumped that "maiden" name, life got a little easier from that standpoint.
2. When did you last cry? This morning when my too-tall frame didn't fit gracefully into the stocks yet again -- a continual disappointment to me...
3. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast beef piled up way high with horseraddish and lots of good cheese and... Oh. Sorry. Just the meat. Right.
4. what is your most embarrasing cd? Not sure I have one. I don't buy music that I don't love.
5. Where is your second home? No second home. My only home is where we are all together.
6. Do you trust others too easily? Hell no!
7. what was your favorite toy as a child? Toy? I had a secret treasure box though...
8. would you bungee jump? I am terrified of heights. I don't jump off of anything.
9. Do you think you are strong? Yes.
10. What are your favorite colors? Red, green, brown, blue
11. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? I get scared and I get myself all tangled up in my head.
12. Who do you miss the most? my kids.
13. What was the last thing you ate? shredded wheat and bannana and yogurt
14. If you were a crayon, which color would you be? blue-green
15. What is the weather out right now? pale sun and warm with a light breeze
16. Last person you talked to on the phone? Master
17. Do you wear contacts? No
18. Last movie you watched? Something called Julia with Jane Fonda
19. Favorite day of the year? The day that school is out -- and the day that school starts (for different reasons).
20. Where would you want to go on your next vacation? away
21. Favorite smells? citrus and sage (yankee candles), Thanksgiving dinner cooking, the way it smells when I snuggle into Master's chest
22. What's the furthest you've been away from home? Probably Hawaii or maybe Cancun, Mexico... not sure. Partly depends on what you define as "home."
I won't tag you, but if you want to play, go for it...
swan
Because jewels Crabbed about this... 3 things Meme (sheesh):
Three things you like about yourself: my "heart", my eyes, my sense of adventure
Three things you don't like about yourself: my fears, my tendency to judge, my ability to get myself "tangled up" emotionally
Three things that scare you: dark, heights, stupid people with too much power
Three of your everyday essentials: kids, hugs, Master
Three things you are wearing right now: fleece jammies, warm slippers, BDSM logo
Three of your favorite songs: Noble Heart (Jack Gladstone), Something in the Way She Moves (James Taylor), I Feel the Earth Move (Carole King)
Three things you want in a relationship: Honesty, Power, Love
Three things that turn you on: Control, energy, touching
Three things that turn you off: Stupid games, arrogance, bullshit
Two truths and a lie: I'm feeling relaxed, I hate these stupid meme things, I'm looking forward to Parent-Teacher conferences this week :-P
Three things you can't live without: Master, T, snuggly clothes
Three places you want to go on vacation: Glacier National Park, Australia, The places Master talks about showing me
Three things you just can't do: jump from high places, tolerate stupid people, dance
Three kids names: Mellyora, Mammanowantum, Caleb
Three things you want to do before you die: Tour Europe, see a society that doesn't care how people choose to love, know my grandchildren
Three of your favorite musicians: see above
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: furriness, strength, warmth
Three of your favorite hobbies: spiritual backpacking, travel, weird "out there" mathematics
Three things you really want to do badly: vacuumn my carpets, shower, take a trip
Three careers you're considering/you've considered: midwife, attorney, retiree
Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: like mysweatshirts, happy out in a tent in the mountains, enjoy football and baseball
Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: like my girlie clothes, I cry way too easily, love a nice hot bath with bubbles
Three people that I would like to see post this meme: I hate these, why would I stick someone else with doing it???
There! Happy, jewels? Giggle.
swan
Three things you don't like about yourself: my fears, my tendency to judge, my ability to get myself "tangled up" emotionally
Three things that scare you: dark, heights, stupid people with too much power
Three of your everyday essentials: kids, hugs, Master
Three things you are wearing right now: fleece jammies, warm slippers, BDSM logo
Three of your favorite songs: Noble Heart (Jack Gladstone), Something in the Way She Moves (James Taylor), I Feel the Earth Move (Carole King)
Three things you want in a relationship: Honesty, Power, Love
Three things that turn you on: Control, energy, touching
Three things that turn you off: Stupid games, arrogance, bullshit
Two truths and a lie: I'm feeling relaxed, I hate these stupid meme things, I'm looking forward to Parent-Teacher conferences this week :-P
Three things you can't live without: Master, T, snuggly clothes
Three places you want to go on vacation: Glacier National Park, Australia, The places Master talks about showing me
Three things you just can't do: jump from high places, tolerate stupid people, dance
Three kids names: Mellyora, Mammanowantum, Caleb
Three things you want to do before you die: Tour Europe, see a society that doesn't care how people choose to love, know my grandchildren
Three of your favorite musicians: see above
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: furriness, strength, warmth
Three of your favorite hobbies: spiritual backpacking, travel, weird "out there" mathematics
Three things you really want to do badly: vacuumn my carpets, shower, take a trip
Three careers you're considering/you've considered: midwife, attorney, retiree
Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: like mysweatshirts, happy out in a tent in the mountains, enjoy football and baseball
Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: like my girlie clothes, I cry way too easily, love a nice hot bath with bubbles
Three people that I would like to see post this meme: I hate these, why would I stick someone else with doing it???
There! Happy, jewels? Giggle.
swan
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