Beginnings -- For Us

In another spot in the commenting on "Ownership" magdala expresses some uncertainty about how our particular M/s and poly dynamic came to be the way it is today. She asks:

" I am not entirely sure, and may be mistaken, but I am thinking that you evolved from poly to M/s poly? I'd have to go back and re-read to make sure."

I recognize that we, and I, get so busy doing what it is that we do, assuming the present mode, that I seldom go back and reconstruct the beginnings. I did that a lot in the early days, but the "history" has gotten long enough that I have let much of it fade into the mists. I tend to forget that there may be some for whom it might be interesting, instructive, or simply, informative. If you already know most of this, think you know it, or just don't care, skip the rest of this...

I was, like many I suspect, a closeted BDSM wannabe for most of my life. I simply assumed that I was "bad" for having those urges and desires. I married young, already pregnant, to escape a home life that was (I thought) worse than the marriage I was jumping off into. The man I married seemed steady, safe, and utterly unchallenging. It seemed like a good bargain to the 19 year old I was then. It didn't take me long to realize that I'd made a dreadful mistake, but by then I had a baby son and a second child on the way... He couldn't keep a job, couldn't satisfy me sexually, found my "urges" disgusting, and kept our family continually on the edge of financial and legal disaster. I stayed because I'd been raised to keep commitments, because he convinced me that many of the "issues" were because of how I was -- that I was the crazy one, because, with two small children, I simply didn't know what else to do. I worked my ass off, put my needs in a deep dark corner somewhere, and raised my kids.

One day, I typed "spanking" into my computer's search engine and found "Domestic Discipline." It is the vanilla-cized, sanitized, guilt-free version of BDSM, and I managed to sort of sell it to the husband. I was, for the first time in my life, getting something that I'd only ever dreamed of, fantasized about... I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! He played along, although not very enthusiastically. It was a beginning, however, and a beginning was, for me, enough.

I "met" the people who would eventually become my "family" on a DD listserve. I was so NEW. I didn't know anything about anything, and I was so hungry for connection, for knowledge, for friends... They were there, with support, affirmation, guidance. Eventually, when the husband and I felt like we needed some sort of "real time" input to expand our knowledge, we contacted the two of them to ask them for advice. We expected some sort of generic help -- perhaps a list of books to read, conferences to attend, etc. It was early days then. There wasn't the wealth of information available online that there is now. They invited us to attend Ohio Leather Fest with them. We were stunned. I was stunned!

I was also very clear about who I was, and who I was not. I understood my boundaries. I was married. I intended to stay married. I wasn't happy in my marriage, understood the shortcomings of my situation, but I was clear about the commitments I'd made. I believed that DD and perhaps BDSM might give us a way to bridge the gaps that had always existed between us. I wasn't looking for a new partner. I was looking for some teaching, some mentoring (in a strictly clinical/technical sense). I made all of that very clear from the outset, and everyone understood, and respected, those limits. We would play, but we would play within those constraints. Period.

I'd never heard the word "poly" before that trip. We discussed it then, in very limited terms, as playing (in a BDSM sense) with multiple partners. None of us, at that point, ever contemplated the much broader context of poly relating as we now practice it.
We came, we learned and taught, we played, and then we all returned to our separate lives. Except that we continued to talk and write and IM at significantly more intense levels.

Soon we were back for another visit. And then another. Then Tom and T visited us. Back and forth and back and forth...

Still, I maintained the absolute boundary -- I was married and intended to stay that way. He honored that.

He played D/s games with others in our circle and I watched from the sidelines.

Ultimately, the day came when He broke the "agreement." He took an enormous risk. He told me that He loved me. He believed that, in telling me of His feelings, He would end our friendship because He was violating the limits I'd so staunchly maintained for so long. It was the night that I melted entirely and admitted the lie that I'd been holding close to my heart -- that we were "just friends" and that I didn't have deep loving feeling for Him as well... So... Our journey into poly began in earnest.

We then began to explore the boundaries of our D/s relationship within that context. I knew, by then, that my husband was interested in BDSM on a very limited basis. He seemed quite willing for Tom and I to explore freely, and we did -- with wild and joyful abandon.

The M/s did not evolve until after we actually moved together full time. It was a designation we resisted at first. The language is so fraught with drama. We don't seem, on the face of it, to fit the mold. Our relating can seem somewhat casual to an outside observer. Ultimately, though, we came to understand that the reality between us was simply this: I belonged to Him utterly. If He asked it, I would do it, give it, become it, if I possibly could. It wasn't about the SM, or fancy labels, or titles, or any of the rest of it. It was simply who and what we were.

That's a lot of ground covered. There are plenty of details that don't show up there...

Oh well...

There are the bones...

swan