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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

2/09/2009

About Slavery and Ownership

My friend, Sara, is endlessly curious about the variety of power exchange dynamics. How people see their dynamics, and the words they use to describe that perceived reality are topics that seem to fascinate her. She and I engaged in an interesting and enjoyable conversation about BDSM and Domestic Discipline awhile ago, and now she is asking some similar questions with regard to Chloe's lifestyle dynamic. Sara wrote:

For me, and I believe for all of us, it comes back to the question of “Who am I?” I am interested in looking at other people, women in particular, I think because it ends up helping me see myself more clearly. I could not begin to think of myself as a “slave” as a “pet” and yet I would say I am his as he is mine. That last bit works for me. In truth, I don’t see myself as a submissive either. (I know it is not a noun, but humor me, please). Some women in D/s relationships see themselves as fundamentally “submissive”. I see myself as a complex woman with many qualities of all sorts, who does feel some satisfaction (and also challenge) in fitting herself into harmony with a man she loves, who is more dominant than not in personality. For me, for us, the spanking and any other BDSM-ish activity we might engage in fall into the category of sexual interest and play. Does it cross over into relationship and power dynamic? Of course! I don’t think we can slice ourselves or our relationships up into fixed parts. Everything crosses over and touches everything else, but if we do pin it down, as we must to look at it, that is how I see things…at least for today.


"I am His and He is mine..."

That bit that Sara wrote, may hold within it the essential kernel that makes her dynamic different from mine. I won't even pretend to speak for anyone else (you can all do that for yourselves if you like).


"I am His and He is mine," paints a picture of something far more mutual and egalitarian than the deliberately and consciously unequal relationship dynamic that I embrace...


I am surely His in every possible way, but He is truly not "mine" in the sense that we tend to understand that within our social lexicon of loving relationships.


I love Him. I serve Him. I obey Him. I seek to please Him. He is my life and my dreaming and the fulfillment of my existence.


He loves me, cherishes me, rejoices in the fact of my presence in His life. He does not belong to me as I belong to Him. He has a complete autonomy that only falls to Him -- not to me. He does care for me with deep passion, and I believe that He wants me to be happy, however He doesn't feel that He is responsible for making me happy. That is particularly true in situations where what He wants runs contrary to what I might want or feel would work to make me happy. In that event, I might end up feeling unhappy, and He'd be OK with that. I can easily imagine circumstances where that would absolutely be the way things would work.


For us, ownership is a unilateral reality. He owns. I am owned. Property does not dictate terms or make demands. Even the fact of feeling unhappy or unsatisfied is a limited sort of option for me, should it come down to it. He'll indulge that for a time, but will determine when it should be no longer an impact in His presence. That is the way of it.

I can have my say. I do not have a vote.

Slavery, the way I live it, is hard to show to people who throw up extreme eventualities that frighten us all. For me, the mundane potentials are the ones that are more telling. For me, the most frightening prospect is that He might withdraw the affection that I now enjoy(for whatever reason) -- and still hold me as His. That could come about in any number of circumstances, and I imagine it would be an unimaginable torment. But He is not mine. I can hope it never comes to that. I can cast my spells, and pray my prayers, and make all sorts of desperate deals with the universe, but I cannot control or change the way He will choose and or act as life comes to Him and us. Whatever happens, He is and will always be Master, and I am His always and all ways.

swan

9 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:41 PM

    I read Sara's post, and it was that specific phrase which unconsciously sat a little uneasy in my head for exactly the same reasons you've just written about here. I couldn't have written this any better about our relationship if I tried. I will belong to him, be his, for as long as he chooses, but he will never 'belong' to me.

    love and hugs xxx

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  2. Very well said, swan, and most interesting to hear from different perspectives with regard to the submissive or slave dynamic and what really makes people tick.

    I agree that we all define ourselves, and it is how we define ourselves and how our partners define us within the context of that relationship that matters most. And that is indeed about as personal and sacred and intimate as it gets, for any one of us.

    But I love hearing about this, and about how many of my cyber-friends relate to it all!

    Hugs,
    Tiggs

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  3. Anonymous8:14 AM

    Yes. What you said.

    ...

    ...

    I was sure I had more to say but that just about covers it all I guess. ;-)

    kaya

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  4. Anonymous6:08 PM

    God, you are brave! That you can love freely in an environment where "he might withdraw the affection I now enjoy -- and still hold me as his" requires courage and determination far beyond my abilities. No wonder he values you so deeply.

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  5. I love my swan and I possess her. I do not have to please her. I do not have to consider what makes her happy. I do. I choose to. I love her. Who wants to possess an unhappy woman? Who wants to possess an uhappy and displeased lover? I love my swan to the extent she gives herself to me. She gives herself to me totally without expectation of reciprocity.

    I adore her more than breath.

    Tom

    Go confidently in the direction of her dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous9:41 PM

    One of the things that made me ponder all this was Kaya's struggles with her Master when she felt her daughter was at risk. Even slaves, it seems, do have choices and responsibilities beyond what they owe to their Master. One might be to their child. Another might be to themselves, should it come to that. Is it possible for a slave to be abused by her Master? Is it possible for a slave to leave a relationship? I know at times they do. I am not saying you ever would. I am saying that there are limits. Maybe your limits are way further down the road than mine, but don't they exist?

    One more question...Tom wrote:

    " I love my swan and I possess her. I do not have to please her. I do not have to consider what makes her happy. I do. I choose to. I love her. Who wants to possess an unhappy woman? Who wants to possess an unhappy and displeased lover? I love my swan to the extent she gives herself to me. She gives herself to me totally without expectation of reciprocity.

    I adore her more than breath."

    Grant does not have to make me happy. He chooses to, when he can, because it makes him happy, because it makes us happy, because "Who wants...an unhappy woman?" Maybe you would not be the slave to a man who did not treasure you this way?

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  7. Sara, thank you for this conversation, this comparison and contrast. Your openness and non-defensiveness are both rare and very much acts of friendship.

    In general BDSM parlance slaves may not simply leave their relationships. They are permitted to request release from their slave status, should they want to leave. Masters are not required to grant release to their slaves, but they may. In fact slaves must first ask permission to request release. Then, if that permissin is granted they may ask for release with no guarantee that request will be granted. Now I say all that recognizing that we live in our society with overarching laws, and of course legally, anyone may leave any relationship should push come to shove.

    Yes, I choose to please swan generally. But I do not have to. I have not always. A few years ago I became involved, way more than involved with....hugely in love with another. I was qute open about that. I had her into our home and was quite affectionate with her. swan was far from pleased and had huge emotional struggles working to accomodate this development in our polyamory. She was hugely unhappy. Her unhappiness did not cause me to end my new relationship. Ironically she did eventually come to approach accomodating this new aspect to our relationship just as "she," the new other, decided to end the relationship. I cherished swan through all of that. I also accepted that it was her role to be mine and accept new additions to our family if I so chose, whether it pleased her or not. I recount that to illustrate our relationship's dynamic.

    Would she choose a Master who didn't cherish her. I hope not, but then that is a relatively academic question, in terms of her future. That selection is not one she is likely to have the privilege to make again.

    There are significant contrasts and similarities in our relationships. There are differences that are more substantive than semantic. Thank goodness we are all fulfilled by what we have.

    All the best,

    Tom

    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

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  8. Anonymous10:12 AM

    I learn a great deal from your discussions here. I don't know if I'll ever find an answer to the question that this type of discussion bring to my mind and has me turning over again and again. I know inherently that my ability to love unconditionally could never stretch far enough to silence the jealousy I would feel sharing my husband this way. Having come to know the family you have now, I understand it as family and feel Swan's anger and pain at the thought of a new love coming into the home openly. Sorry for the long winded set up, but the question I keep asking myself is - does this ability to love this way come through iron will, or is it something that some are more suited for or adapted for because of something intrinsic. I recognize that even if it's something that one is inclined to it would take constant work to conquer the natural impulse for self interest. It's very generous of you all to help us understand the dynamic of this type of relationship - I have learned much. Thank you.

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  9. Anonymous6:37 PM

    Tom,

    "this comparison and contrast. Your openness and non-defensiveness are both rare and very much acts of friendship."

    I feel just the same, and thank you and swan very much!

    I just cannot pretend to understand polyamory, can't wrap my mind around living with that. What I do believe is that it is part of the relationship construct you and swan agreed do from the start. If my assumption is wrong that is a different matter. I can understand swan struggling with something she philosophically agrees with, but emotionally does not like. I think Grant and I have had reverse struggles. We consciously committed to our relationship requiring us each to put our union above any other relationship. There are times when that has been a struggle, and not easy to live with. I remember in graduate school having a really good friend, a male study partner, whom Grant was uncomfortable with. There was no specific reason, but he read the man's intentions very differently than I did, I felt this man was an important friend, Grant felt the relationship was an interference to our marriage. I struggled with that, and it hurt. However, at the end of the day, what I had with Grant, right or wrong was more important than anything else, so I accepted what I had to live with, and said goodbye to the friendship. My point being, all relationships can require a great deal of struggle at times. Honoring commitments is not easy.

    I am still stuck with the limits issue. All people, whatever they call thremselves, have limits and boundaries. I am thinking that just as in all good relationships between people who DO cherish each other, regardless of the power dynamic, when they hit that wall they simply work hard together to get through it intact, and in a loving way. That part is consistent.

    ReplyDelete

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