Limits

Finite by Jodi Wright

Flesh can only stretch so far
before muscles, tendons, bones, joints
screaming snap.

Time will simply swell so far
before seconds, minutes, hours, days
blasting burst.

Love must trusting bear so far
before faith, desire, bonding, vows
crumbling crash.

Imperfection lasts in this fragile, temporary world
that limits may be respected,
and boundaries set on human pride

Sara keeps asking about limits. She wrote: "Maybe your limits are way further down the road than mine, but don't they exist?"

It is a question that comes up pretty regularly in circles where relationships get labeled as M/s, D/s, Owner/property, or TPE. Usually, these conversations veer off into contentiousness. I really want to try to keep this out of that territory.

The short answer to the question is that "yes, I have limits." There are places that I don't believe I ever want to go, or even could go. Please pay attention to the pronouns. That is all about what I think, what I fear, and what I want. There are plenty of things on the menu of activities that He could ask or require, that I'd find very difficult to accommodate. Many of those things might make me downright miserable. I'd most likely experience enormous emotional reaction, mental anxiety, and physical stress if He wanted me to engage in any number of behaviors that are pretty commonplace for some in power-based relationships. I really think He knows that.

He has His own set of limits, and they are only loosely related to mine. They are His, and His limits are and always will be the ones that define our relationship. He might choose to stay within the boundaries defined by "my limits," but it really is a choice, and He might make another choice at any time. I know that. If I think about it a lot, it scares me -- so I don't think about it much.

Another way to look at this notion of "limits" is to consider the word itself, aside from the connotations that we tend to attach to it within the lifestyle. Looking at the word, "limit," gives a definition like this:

limit -- a real or imaginary point beyond which a person or thing cannot go

Searching for synonyms for "limit," gives a list of words including: boundary, ceiling, confines, end, extent, limitation, line, termination, edge, margin, verge, barrier, wall

I think that is interesting, actually. When we talk about limits, we are conjuring up some point, real or imagined, beyond which we believe we cannot or will not go. Within the lifestyle, there is the implication that limits are those restrictions that we put in place in order to maintain our safety. That seems entirely reasonable, but what I see when I study the list of synonyms for the word "limit" is that, in truth, believing in limits burdens us with edges, barriers, and walls that encircle and constrain our lives and our imaginings. We agree to give up a good deal of freedom in order to gain what feels like safety.

What Sara has reacted to in her current questing to understand the idea of limits is, in part, the exceptionally dramatic "bumpy" place that kaya and her Master encountered a couple months ago. That event was difficult, to be sure -- difficult for kaya, for Scott, and for those of us who looked on from the outside. What came about, in the end I think, was a resolution that was entirely different than what anyone saw at the beginning. What seemed to be a limit -- a deal breaker -- turned out to be an opportunity to examine assumptions, reaffirm values, and chart a course forward that honored the truth of the committments made within the context of the life they were living. Not limits, but possibilities.

For me, that has been consistently true when I've managed to deal with what frightens or repels me, and stretch the boundaries that I think are in place within my life. We can move beyond what we believe is the edge. I have done it before, and I may find that I'll do it again. Limits are, I think, imaginary shelters, constructed from our personal histories, built to protect us from dangers that only exist in some unknowable future.

swan