I've been trying to work my way around this without actually owning up to it, but it just sits there making me crazier by the day. A large part of what was intended to happen when I was directed to start writing a personal blog, was that it was supposed to help me get things out of my mind and into words. The idea was (and is) that I'd write and by doing so, silence the voices that drive me around the bend.
So. Deep breath.
I'm scared. Witless. Worried to the point of distraction. And my fears and worries keep building on each other, and no amount of "rational" self-talk seems to have any impact at all on my ever-growing anxieties. Things are moving along here; progressing toward the approval and scheduling of bariatric surgery for Master AND T. If all goes well, they'll have surgery on the same day at the beginning of my spring break, late in March. I'll be able to be around while they are hospitalized and for the first few days after they come home. They'll hopefully move through the post-operative phases in sync with one another, and we'll minimize the time that we have to deal with liquid and soft diets for the two of them.
They should be the ones who are scared and worried. They, after all, are the ones having the surgeries. They are the ones who have to go through all the preparation and recovery, and deal with the "forever" lifestyle changes that this all requires. I am just the support person -- easy as pie for me...
I know, intellectually, how much improvement this will likely bring to their health and well-being; how much it might improve their self-images and sense of self-worth. I know that this is really the only way to give us all a shot at a long and happy life together. Part of me is enthusiastically counting the days until we'll no longer need medications for diabetes, and high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, and acid-reflux. I can't wait until the time when the aches and pains that have become so much a part of our lives in the last few years are lessened and relieved due to significant weight loss. I am enthusiastically imagining the day when I can take the C-Pap out onto the driveway and beat it into a pile of rubble. There is so much potential good that can reasonably be expected to come out of all ofthis, but I keep running into the dark corners in my mind where terrible, unspeakable, scarcely imagined disasters happen as we go through this, and it is almost more than I can bear. If I get too close to my fears, it just about drops me to my knees.
I know I'm being silly. I know I have to stop letting this stuff get me all wound up. I know I have to find a way to be strong and sure and positive, so that I can be as helpful and supportive as it is possible to be for my family. I can do that, and I will do that.
But for today, I just need to tell someone that I'm scared.
swan
Its good that you did. I can't see how you'd not be scared. The two people you love most in the world are going through major surgery at the same time! While I can see its the most practical solution, it does kinda double up on the anxiety to be dealt with.
ReplyDeleteSo...I won't tell you not to be scared....just to continue to see both sides.....and to give you a HUGE cuddle.
love and hugs xxx
as M:e says, of COURSE you are frightened! the two most important people in the world are going in for a major surgery - you have every right to be honey!
ReplyDeleteBut, I KNOW how smart you guys are and you have done our homework, done all the resarch, looked at and weighed ALL options carefully and with consideration - and have chosen this path BECAUSE it is the best one to take... so you KNOW in our heart this is the best thing to do -
but knowing and feeling, anticipating are so different - just hang onto the knowledge that will and determination can move mountains and the love for each other you guys have will get you through this ....
as M:e was kind enough to lend me her snuggle blanket, I am now passing it on (as I am supposed to) to you, to wrap around you and keep you warm and give you hope.
dear swan.......
ReplyDeletei don't have a snuggle blanket to pass along.. and i fear what words i say will sound like an instant replay of what has already been said.
BUT having gone through one operation with Sir.. and more than a few trips to the hospital, i can honestly say i feel your fear and worry.......
And all the words in the world will not take those worries or fears away.
i know right now you are not feeling the least bit strong or capable.. if you are anything like me.. you just want to curl up in a ball - pull that snuggle blanket over your head and make the whole thing go away !!!
please know Sir and i are here for you if you just need a shoulder .. or an ear to listen.. please please don't hesitate to dump some of those worries and fears on our door step.
We are here for you .. always and in all ways (to coin a phrase i rather like )
morningstar (owned by Warren)
It's natural to be scared. Someone close to me had that done and i was worried sick. But it went perfectly well and his life completely turned around. Hang in there, it will all work out great!
ReplyDeleteAh swan, I was wondering where you were! I'm sorry. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have your FAMILY going into surgery..,.,and you will wait outside...I sure hope not alone? In some ways, it might be easier to be under anesthesia!
ReplyDeleteJust sending hugs! Sara
It was very brave of you to talk about your feelings swan. I'm glad that you shared this. It helps so much to have others to listen when we feel really afraid. It sure helped me to know that you and others were out there when I felt afraid the past few months.
ReplyDeleteJust keep talking and keep breathing and do all the things you know helps you to feel comfortable and peaceful. (( big hugs))
One would be a lot, two at one time has to be overwhelming at times. Tough as it is, I'm sure you are right that good things are on the other side for your family. Thinking of you - indeed of you all.
ReplyDeleteHi Swan:
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting so openly and honestly. I think it is so helpful for all of us. Because I do believe that by sharing our worries and fears, it helps to release them a bit. And as I see that you can do it, then it helps me realize that I can also. You got so many loving comments from these wonderful people, and I bet that must be so helpful for you to know how many people care about you and your family.
My brother-in-law had that very same surgery 2 years ago, and he is in tremendous health now.
I shall be keeing you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care
AG
I'd be scared too. It's hard enough worrying about one loved one yet here you are faced with worrying after two.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong woman, part of a strong union between souls. Everything will be fine. -hugs-
My thoughts are with you guys.
Oh sweetie, this is not "easy as pie." First of all you have dealt with me as at times I have been beside myself about the losses of aspects of our/my lifetyle I enjoy terrifically that will be sacrificed forever after this surgery. Putting up with and supporting me through my "pre-mourning" this procedure has been emotionally difficult for you as well. T has not put us through as much as I have. Then there is my huge sense of failure as I apprach this. I am not someone who has parts of his life out of control, and who fails to overcome challenges, no matter how great, well not often, and not without one hell of a fight. And I have failed. The only way I can control my wieght finally, and all the healh issues it is creating for me, is that I have to be intentionally and strategically mutilated so that I cannot eat much at all, and can only absorb 60%of the nutrients I take in even then. I feel like a horrid failure and I hate failure. You are living with that with me.
ReplyDeleteWorst of all you are the "other family member." I remember being that when I almost lost t the first half of 2000. It was horrible and the fact that I didn't have the position status of husband (then) made the whole thing that much more difficult. I was only doing it for her...not tow of us. I am so sorry that so much of this is falling on you. Ahhh the romantic sexy life of being slave in a TPE relationship........isn't it exciting and glorious:)
One of our friends who commented on this post mentioned your cababilities and strength. You know when t was in ICU and no one offered any realistic hope of her recovery, I was devastated and bereft, and had terrible trouble functioning, unless I was at her side. When I walked into the hospital I became in control. I became warrior advocate. I became the best direct care aide who ever lived. I became case manager. I took control. I behaved the way you will. I didn't do this because of some super human strength or huge effort of will. It was as natural for me as can be. There was like a magic transition when I walked through the hospital doors that was like the Popeye cartoon character when he ate his spinach. It will be so with you. I know you. T knows you.
We need to do this so we can continue to be for a long time, and while we will lose some wondrously enjoyable parts of our life, there are many others we've currently lost we'll regain, and new ones we'll have for the first time.
I need you to know that I have absolutely no doubts about you in this, not just because I love you, which I do, but because I am a very astute judge of people and I an just self-centered enough to want t and I to have nothing but the best through this and I know that is you.
You're scared and you have no reason to apologize for that. Your role is in many ways harder than it is for t and I. I'm scared and I'm sure t is too (although she seems actually to have taken this way more in stride than the other two of us.)
I don't know. Maybe we should reconsider doing both surgeries simultaneously, so I can sit with you while we wait through t's and she can be with you during mine.....and of course then there is the aftermath. The question is do we want to do the aftermath and recovery from this twice.
I love you so much and while we will be in recovery mode, I will still be with you and I will be strong for you too.
Thank you for loving so much to be scared and caring so much to undertake this.
You know we three will do this better than anyone ever has.
And no this too. I am going no where. You are not about to lose me through this. You are in many ways going to get me back. I know that is your huge fear, and I can only say, IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. You are going to get to have your ass whipped be me for decades to come. And since I won't be able to eat much, I guess I'll just have to enjoy my kink more:)
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Your fears are more than natural, and it is very good to let them out here.
ReplyDeleteAnd after reading all the comments I just have to say that you have such an incredible Master, and you are very lucky.
All will be well.
huggggggggggg
Tapestry
My sincere thanks to each and every one of you for your kind words and support here. You cannot know what it means to me to know that you are all out there... I am collecting all the positive stories and good words that I can find. I really do believe that those things will hold us all up as we make this journey, so thank you!
ReplyDeleteMaster -- You are so terribly Dear to me, and I cannot imagine my life without You and my sister-heart. I've told You before and I will continue to repeat it -- this is not a failure, but a courageous and life affirming choice. You have battled this issue all Your life, and even the surgeon affirms that it is likely something You would be unable to overcome without this intervention. When it came time to replace Your knee, You acquiesced only after You simply couldn't fight the pain and disability any longer. This is precisely the same situation. I know it frustrates You, but it does not make You a failure.
I will be right there for You and for T, and You will both be fine when this is done. I am determined that it will be fine -- and there is no one besides You, Sir, who stands in the face of my determined will.
When our life resumes the vigor and energy we once knew, we will all look back at this transit and wonder why we were so fearful and so hesitant. Give our clan a year and see what comes of all of this.
I love You. I love T.
Yours always and all ways.
swan
swan,
ReplyDeleteI can only echo what the other commenters have already said.
You are not "just" the support person; you ARE the support person. it makes so much difference to a patient when a loved one is right by their side.
Of course you are scared; I would be too.
I'll be thinking very good, positive thoughts for the three of you.
Big hugs,
Hermione
swan, Tom, & t, know that many more than you realize will be sending positive thoughts your way throughout your ordeal.
ReplyDeletemelissa
Tom,
ReplyDeleteYou have not failed. I cannot say that strongly enough, and I work in the medical field. We do not yet have all the answers that make up the puzzle to the weight issue, but I suspect when we do, we will find we tortured many people expecting them to do things that their bodies would not accept. The puzzle being different for everyone, some never doing what they can, some struggling mightily for little or no payoff. Medicine and society continue to lay blame, and withhold understanding and fail to understand how much science is still unknown about this issue. An oversimplified example of this type of thing is stomach ulcers. We told people to calm down and avoid spicy foods because that was the cause - blaming them for their own disease. The cause was very treatable bacteria. So please, you did the right thing - tried very hard to do what you could and avoid a surgical option, and when it became clear that was the smart choice, you made it. That sounds like success to me.
Swan,
You ARE strong and capable, and I will keep you close. I know you are not a christian, as I am, but perhaps you can use this quote I use by Mother Theresa and reinterpret it thinking of your family's faith in you instead. She said " I know God wouldn't give me more than I could handle, but sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much!". ;-) It makes me smile and keeps me going in tough times.
You all will be fine, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteYou should consider yourselves fortunate that insurance is covering this type of surgery. I have needed it for several years and my insurance doesn't cover it. So, I continue all the meds for all the ailments that come along with being fat. And yes, I have talked to work about adding it to our coverage, and I've talked to the insurance company, and I've tried every diet known to man. Talk about feeling like a failure, I'm the queen when it comes to that! So, count your blessings and stop doubting.