Trying to "Get There"

Topping from the bottom. To be accused of Topping from the bottom seems to me to be one of the worst things that can happen in the general day to day work of relating as a submissive and a slave. It has been, since the earliest days of this journey, been one thing that I've worked hard to avoid. Getting into behavior that directs things from my end takes the control out of His hands, and knowing, as I do, how He feels about becoming a "service top," I am even more reluctant to skirt that edge.

What that means, in practical terms, is that I very seldom offer anything much in terms of wants and wishes when it comes to the way we play. I don't know how to just float ideas out there without having them take on more weight than I really want them to have. So, it is unusual for me to do what I did a couple of weeks ago. I think I'd said something about feeling chilly, and He's offered to take me in the bedroom and "warm me up." In Master-speak, that points directly to a session with one or more paddles. I didn't even think about it, I replied, "You don't DO warm-ups -- at least not with me. The only people who get warm-ups and aftercare are newbies."

He didn't say much at all, and the whole conversation sort of faded away... Until this morning. This morning, our session was amazingly different than what has come to be the "norm." Usually, I barely get face down over the pillow (ass up) before He's wailing away with whatever. There isn't even time to get physically settled, much less mentally settled. Today, there was a warm -- a real, slow, step by step warm up. I had plenty of time to find the path, get on the path, and walk the path. It was amazing. It took me awhile to even notice what He was doing because I was so crunched down in my mind trying to prepare to cope with the usual onslaught. When I did notice, it just took my breath away.

Somewhere along the way, I felt my mind come to the understanding that what was happening was that, with the slower and more attentive pace He was setting, I was actually able to focus and gather my resources so that I could flow with the sensations He was creating.

I used to do that all the time. Back in the early days of our relating, I was much better at grabbing on to the rhythms and patterns and simply going with the energy. It is much more complicated now than it once was.

I find that I need time; time to hunt down the various yammering voices in my mind and quiet them; time to remember to breathe; time to focus on His touch and His scent and His breathing; time to quell the emotional storm that can rise up in me at the first twinges of real pain, and remember that there can be joy and pleasure in this if I can simply "get there."

It isn't a process that happens quickly for me anymore. Nothing happens quickly for me anymore. I can't rely on my sexual responses to kick in and carry me away. I have to follow a path that allows me to think my way through the beginnings of a session, chanting and breathing and deliberately maintaining a level of muscular relaxation, until my own response mechanisms can catch up. I've never been an easy masochist. I am not someone who drops into a space wher I easily convert painful stimuli into pleasurable sensations -- I will forever be envious of those folks! For me, pain just hurts a lot of the time. If I can capture the rhythm and the mood, and stay quiet in my own mind, I might, just maybe find my way to the joy I used to experience in all of this.

Having Him go more slowly, especially in the very beginning, makes a huge difference.

swan