Long Journey Ahead

The weekend is nearly upon us, and we have no plans. We have no schedules to keep. We have no demands on our time. It is a great, rare gift when that happens.

I am looking forward to the weekend; to time we can spend together. I am hoping to sink into the patterns and rhythms of our lives; to soak up and store up the sense of belonging and security that comes from being able to be simply His.

There is a part of my awareness that feels as if I am preparing for a long, long journey; far from home; into places that are unfamiliar, scary, and potentially dangerous. I want to figure out some way to carry with me the things that offer me comfort and security and a sense of who I am... There are no suitcases that will carry what I will need for this trip.

Looking ahead, I know that as we approach the date for Master and T to have their bariatric surgeries, our lives will change dramatically and drastically. In the short-term, every ounce of energy and attention will need to be focused on helping them to recover and grow strong in the post-operative phase. We will, all of us, need to become intensely aware of food intake and hydration and exercise. I expect that neither of them will be physically "disabled" for very long -- probably within a couple of weeks, they'll be able to begin resuming many of their normal routines, but the full recovery from any abdominal surgery takes months, not weeks. Perhaps even more serious in terms of time and energy will be the enormous changes that must occur in our lifestyle and in the relationship that we all have with food. Six months or a year out from the surgery, life around here may begin to assume some semblance of what will likely eventually become our "normal."

While we traverse the coming weeks and months, the power balance that is normally at the core of our lives will need to shift. Master and T will be, for a time, less able and far more dependent. They will be adjusting and adapting to a radically altered physical reality. I will be the one who is well and strong and able. I will be "the nurse," and that comes with a certain level of authority and required decision making. We've already begun to speak to it, about it, around it. It doesn't make any of us comfortable, but these are circumstances where it becomes necessary. We've done this before --as T has undergone hernia repair surgery, and surely, in the recovery and rehabilitation phase following Master's knee replacement.

I don't relish the role. It leaves me feeling small and alone. I cannot carry with me the things that I most rely on to keep me feeling stable, secure, and safe. Those things cannot be packed in my mental and emotional suitcase; anymore than they might fit in a physical suitcase. It scares me. I can do this. Will do it. Well. But, for now, for this weekend, I want things to remain as they are -- just a little while.

swan