Are You Not Allowed?

I grew up the oldest of a family of four children. I had three younger brothers -- Hank, Gregg, and Kurt. Kurt, the youngest of us all, was born when I was 10 years old. Ours was a complicated relationship; more parent/child than siblings. As adults, we've never managed to create any sort of connection beyond "strained."



In truth, I haven't talked to Kurt for nearly nine years. Then, this last weekend, he came roaring out of oblivion. Late Sunday evening, I received a string of emails from him expressing extreme outrage about the estrangement between myself and my mother. It was pretty darned nasty and accusatory. The details are not really important, and while I was caught off guard by his sudden salvo, it really doesn't change a thing. There was surely nothing in his correspondence that looked like a "conversation starter" to me.



There was one piece of what he wrote though that got me to thinking ...

"...Would it kill you to give her a phone call maybe once a month or are you not allowed?"

Interesting. To say the least. I admit that I am just a bit curious about where that particular question comes from. As far as I know, there is no direct way that Kurt would have any knowledge of our dynamic, so that question seems odd. However, as I've thought about it, I find myself answering it in my head.

First of all, I want to make it very clear that Master has never made any move to control or interfere in my relationships with the members of my family. He has, of course, been privy to all the machinations of the bunch of them, and He has some very sincerely felt views on how they behave with regard to me, but He's kept a hands off stance with regard to my dealings with them all. I could, if I chose to do it, phone my mother and/or brothers at any time and there would never be any question about it.



But that's just the surface of that notion of "allowed." At a much more significant level, there is the very clear understanding and expectation that I am not "allowed to" do anything that is harmful to me either emotionally or physically. I am expected to "take care of His property." He has no tolerance at all for me acting or choosing in ways that diminish my well-being.



So, am I "allowed to" maintain relationships with members of my family who are mean, abusive, uncaring, deceitful, self-centered? I think that the answer to that question has to do with how such contact impacts me. If I could simply phone my mother, spend a few minutes in conversation with her, hang up and go on without getting all tangled up in the nastiness she unloads with, then I imagine that I would absolutely be "allowed" and even encouraged to do that. But, I remain tender and fragile with regard to her attacks. She hurts me and upsets me and makes me miserable. I can't seem to just let it all roll of my back. There's too much history. So, given that, I guess the honest answer to the question from my baby brother is -- "No. I am not allowed."



swan