I was going to comment in answer to a question asked by sin in her comment to my last post. I found I had all sorts of things I wanted to say about this particular question, and so I wrote and wrote and wrote... And when I went to try and post the comment, it turned out that Blogger didn't like it because, in the world of Blogger, it seems that comments cannot be longer than 4096 characters. I guess you learn something new everyday!
So, no way around it... This is the "too long" comment that became a post.
sin – I think that Master did a good job of responding to most of your questions in His comment. However, I think that, at the end of your comment, you've asked exactly the question that most people hesitate to really get to -- "Do you not do it because you don't want to or because he doesn't want you to?"
Thinking about that, I ended up in a sort of interesting mental exploration of how I really do feel about the whole question.
First of all, I think it is obvious (at least it is obvious to me) that if “He doesn’t want me to…” then that is the end of the discussion. What I want or do not want, is really just not germane. It goes to the basic, incontrovertible nature of M/s.
But, let’s just for the heck of it (and because it is summer and I have time on my hands), imagine that He would be “OK” with me seeking out another relationship. Given that entirely hypothetical scenario, I found myself contemplating the practical realities that would have to be negotiated if I were to seek out and actively attempt to create another intimate relationship…
I’m feeling sort of logical / scientific about this at the moment, so let’s dispense with the “hearts and flowers” business and just talk about the nuts and bolts. Starting to think about this, it seems like there are a variety of potentials, so let me address them one at a time:
1) It is possible that “lightning could strike,” and I might simply smash into some fellow without any plan or any warning and lose my heart in an inexplicable and fated event. I can’t imagine how that would happen, and there just is nothing much that I can offer about the possibility that the universe would be THAT perverse.
2) It is possible that I might run into another partner who wants to play; to be Top or Dominant with me. My reaction to that is that I am not feeling the need for ANOTHER spanker in my life. I have all I can handle, thanks.
3) So… another relationship – hmmmmm. I think the only time that I really thought about another relationship was during all those months after my hysterectomy (and let's just specify that a woman who is dropped suddenly into menopause is not likely to be thinking rationally -- so forgive me). When my sexual response capacity went in the tank; when all the “medical” fixes for the problem turned out to be of no real use; when I was so depressed and despairing at the prospect of a lifetime without ever having any sexual pleasure again, I wondered if it would happen if I had a lover who was engaged in simply the pleasure of a woman’s body, and not “into” hurting that same body… I did, during that time, construct an imaginary guy that would know what to do, would take the time, would be interested in coaxing the sexiness back to life.
My hypothetical guy was, in my mind, going to be some sort of sexual magician who would be into bringing menopausal women to the heights of ecstasy. Yeah, that sounds just about perfect.
Except that being a sexual virtuoso isn't enough. I have a couple of other “must haves.” The starting point for me is this -- I’m absolutely in love with Master. I am committed to my slavery to Master. I am not interested in creating ANY kind of dynamic that is going to get in the way of what I have. So …
- My mystery guy would have to be willing to work out the “permissions” for this whole thing, right from the very start, with Master.
- He would have to be willing to “fit into” my schedule, which is of course, Master’s schedule. I’ve got to be able to be home whenever He wants or needs me – to fix dinner, to prepare for bed, to be around for any of a host of other duties and responsibilities that are not just “optional.”
- It would be important for my imaginary “love interest” to be very flexible since I never know what the demands on my time might be. It might be that we would make plans, and then something would come up and I’d have to cancel.
- He’d have to be comfortable with the need for me to stay in touch and stay in contact with Master -- my cell phone is always "on" and handy.
- This guy would have to agree to go along with any requirements or rules or expectations that Master might have around the nature of the interactions we might have.
Yup. I think that about covers the territory that I imagine for this potential “other” relationship. Except that here’s the problem… Any guy that would agree to that kind of deal is a pure wuss, and I am just not into submissive men. Any guy who would be willing to contemplate entering into a relationship on those terms – well, I can’t imagine that I’d have enough respect for him to want to have anything to do with him. No balls, and no sense of self-worth, and no personal power means there's just no attraction for me. Blech!
How's that for a circular arguement, sin?
swan
And now I don't know where to answer!
ReplyDeleteThank you swan and Tom for your answers to my extremely nosy questions.
I think I want to start by saying that the way that I phrased my question seemed wrong when I reread it after reading Tom's comments. I did not mean to imply that swan and T are not also poly, simply because they are sexually active only with Tom. I know that a poly relationship is very complicated and that there's a lot of behind the scenes accommodation and hopefully sisterhood and caring and maybe sometimes jealousy that comes together to make the relationship or marriage or whatever you want to call it work. Sorry if I was insensitive when I wrote that. Maybe the language we are used to using for relationships makes it hard to have the discussion?
Swan, I understand what you say about if Tom doesn't want something, it's not a consideration. It's not the way I always am, but it's what I work towards.
It also sounds like you have given a fantasy man some thought. I have often thought that I would love a relationship (or a one night event) that had me and 2 men in it, but, gosh, where on earth would I find two men who would go for it that were Dom enough for me to want them? Maybe a more sub man...,nah, probably not.
Thank you again for your answers. The three of you are so honest and so thoughtful, it's fascinating.
sin
Huh. I'd never thought about it before but I agree, I would never be able to submit to a man who allowed all those rules to be laid out like that. I mean, given the hypothetical scenario that Dan gave me permission to find someone on the side.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have any respect for a guy who let me dictate all those rules to him and if I don't have respect, like you, I cannot submit either.
I do know of women who have men like that on the side. They are married to a vanilla who will not change. So they have all these rules for their online "dom" about when they can talk or not and it's all decided by the sub.
And the subs always seem dissatisfied. I hadn't looked at it this way before but it's clear to me why now; because they are not *really* being dominated. Well, not according to my criteria of what being dominated means. But then, everyone has their own idea of what that means.
Hmmm...interesting, thanks! :)