Continuing the Conversation

I am not at all good about responding to comments here.  It is, along with my erratic posting habits, my worst failing with regard to this blog.  It is partly a matter of time.  Things can pile up during the school day -- the large chunk of time when I have no access and no possibility of being "here."  That's the easy explanation, but the other, more personal reason that I am so bad about responding to comments here, is that it draws me into a level of intimacy and conversation that challenges me -- triggers my natural shyness.  I know that, to those of you who have seen my butt plastered across this site on more than one occasion, it may seem odd for me to claim to be shy -- but that is the fact.  Intense, intimate conversation is way more difficult for me in some ways than knowing that you are all looking at my backside -- after all when it is my butt showing, I can't see any of you because you are behind me!  The conversation, however, has reached such a level that I really want it to continue.  I want to continue to be immersed in the dialog with all of you.  I am willing to try and quiet that shyness, and risk being more open and more vulnerable.  I want to do my part to be worthy of the friendship that you have showered on me (and on us) in the last month.  So --

Once again, I am awed and humbled by the depth of caring and amazing thoughtfulness that so many have shared here with me.  Your comments on my "Mask" post left me stunned, in tears, quivering with awareness of the circle that has become so much a part of my life.  I want to assure you all that I am not in anything that feels to me like a "crisis."  Our recent switching has not undermined our dynamic or damaged it or even radically shifted it.  It has created a time of emotional turbulence and an uncomfortable unsettled feeling, and I am aware of my own internal responses to that.  I do have some sense of uneasiness as we are confronted by yet another shift in our patterns and realities.  Mostly, it feels to me like I am just fussy -- the way I remember my small babies being now and then when I was a new young mother. 

Alice, you are right, there really are not any definitive "rules for what we do...no right way."  I do understand, intellectually that I acted on my "love and concern for him, at his request," but somehow knowing that does not seem to quiet the nagging voice in my head that is keeping me wound up over it all.  You are also right that I've never cared about the "true slaves," but I do have enough left over junior high girl cliquish trauma to want to disarm the mean voices...

elle, I am so very aware of what it costs you to be with me.  Be assured that I always know that your love and support are poured out for me and for us.  Somehow, that "there is no truer slave" declaration of yours comforts me.  That affirmation feels like a balm and so thank you.

abby, you are, of course, right -- I need to remember that I am His.  That has been enough for a very long time, and will continue to be that.  Thank you for the reminder. 

morningstar -- I know that there is that belief that switching as we have done, and shifting the locus of control as we have done, must somehow undermine the very dynamic -- and I really don't have any sense that that is what is going on with me or us.  I am certain that he is still exactly as Dominant as He has ever been.  I don't believe that being Dominant can be put on or taken off situationally.  I am feeling His attention shift, in this moment, to the very critical work of reclaiming His life, and I support that with my whole heart.  That effort demands that much of His energy be focused on other things, and (regardless of what I think about it intellectually) I feel that as a loss.  I am sure it is temporary, and I am trying to be patient and supportive as it works its way along its course.  It is just that I am not, by my nature, a patient sort...

Impish1 -- I am feeling "fatigue, concern for ... Master's health, and some degree of fear and uncertainty about what might be the next thing.  I really do try to keep my mind and heart in the present moment.  I know that worry about "what is coming" is a waste of time and energy, but my mind seems unwilling to stay put just now.  It wants to run all around and make me feel crazy and agitated.  You are right, they are "little demon voices," and I'd be most happy for that chance to sit down face to face for tea and quiet conversation.  Thank you for reaching out to me in the midst of all your own struggles.


nancy -- I am... taking that deep breath.  And then another and another and another.  Smile.

Finally, as You wrote, My Dear Master, our power exchange has not dissolved in the face of our radical approach to all of this.  You have, in my view, been stronger and more powerful than ever in all the years we've shared with one another.  I am so proud of the determination and courage You've shown through all of this.  I am so relieved to be with You aware and clear-headed.  I feel safer than I have for a long time, and that is a great gift -- I thank You.

Just as I have felt fiercely protective of You, through so many serious health challenges in the last few years, I am, in this passage feeling ready to take on the world should anyone have the nerve to try and harm You.  I can feel the part of me that acts as watchdog standing guard at Your side -- too big and tall to be compared to Your protector terrier of long ago, but no less ferocious.

I understand that there are and must be changes.  It is the fact of being alive.  These are good and positive changes, but they scare me, and I think they scare You as well.  I know that this new place will come, with time, to be our norm and our reality, but I am uncertain and uneasy in this beginning.  No surprise there, and I know it is a discomfort that is nothing compared to Your own challenges in creating this for us all.

You understand me so well.  You know that I really do understand what it is that we are engaged in, and You know I am strong enough to stand with You -- whatever comes.  You know I'd not prefer our former reality to this one that we are creating, and You know I'll invest my heart and soul in making that reality come to be manifest in our world.  It really isn't that I am "freaked out" at the divergence of this reality from the fairy story model of M/s.  More, it is my own longings and weaknesses that haunt me and make me wish I could fold up into Your arms and go only where You would take us.  It is maybe the most dreamy "submissive" part of who I am that, feeling tired and exhausted, imagines how good it would be to have all the control shift back to You -- right now...

I will probably forever question if I am a "good" slave or a slave all.  It is the way I am.  In another facet of my life, I question my teaching in the exact same way.  I want to be "good," and I want only to please You.  I am thrilled and honored to be Yours, and I will forever work at being the very best I can be for You.  I'll try not to let myself become so weary that I cannot serve well.  I will care for You and care for myself so that I can do that well for as long as You need that service from me.  I'll fuss, I imagine.  I'll try to do it quietly.  In the midst of all that fussiness, I'll walk with You and love You and hold You and be for You.

Always and all ways,


swan

Response to Swan's "Taking Off The Mask" Post

Immediately following this post is a post swan wrote last evening questioning her role as a “slave” in our relationship, as a result of her undertaking, at my command, to corporally discipline me as I have struggled with changing my relationship to alcohol. Please take the time to read, “Taking Off The Mask” and subsequent reader comments to that post, in order to understand the context of the post below:

swan, just as as we always conclude all our communications with each other, you are Mine Always and All Ways. Those words are not just a slogan. They are an affirmation of our reality............of a fact. That has never changed. Recently it has evolved.

elle, thank you for your affirmation of Alice's comment and for your returning here to be so supportive.

Alice, when I read swan's post last night as we went to bed, I began to think of the comment I wanted to make in response. I was amazed to awaken, sign in here, and find it articulated almost as I planned it. Thank you, my friend, our friend, you "nailed" it:)

swan, we are changing and evolving. Most power exchange relationships we read about on the Interweb have at best 4 year duration in terms of BDSM, DD, and power exchange. Ours has endured far longer and further into our maturity as well, in that we started our time together later in life than most. We are therefore different. Over time relationships become more complex, sophisticated, and dynamic. They do not simplify.

If we live long enough, we experience further life passages. Our passages, at our stages of life, are different than those of barely post adolescent children in their 40's; and are certainly different than those in their 30's. None of these are any more or less significant or profound. They may be more or less difficult, depending on the individuals involved, and their circumstances. My evolutions are at times different from yours and t's, I think, at least at this point, just because of our three distinct ages, what with my being 61, your 55, and t's age 53 (my mere babe of a thing:)

I am undergoing a profound passage. I have in the past two years lost both parents, over 160 pounds, six major disease diagnoses, my career, am transitioning to retirement, and am now taking on ending, or significantly changing, a lifelong friendship with alcohol. It is curious, now that finally, thank goodness, our weather has transitioned to fall, is cooling, and we are finally getting some rain, my first reaction is to have a drink on the patio and start a fire in the grill, cook some beef, which I will enjoy with red wine for dinner. Without that pairing of food and drink, I find myself questioning if I want to even make the transition. As I type that I realize the absurdity of that statement, but it is, in fact, how I feel. It is not how, or what, I want to feel, or think I should feel. It is however my feeling.

A dynamic in my life, in my being innately Dominant, is that my thoughts and feelings have generally ruled my environment, my career, my relationships, and our relationship. The good news is that my thoughts and feelings becoming actualized has generally resulted in good things happening for me, for us, for others, even for our community. This is a trait that has served me well, and never better than when it brought me my relationships with you and t. Unfortunately too, my living by my thoughts and feelings brought me too acquiescence to oral gratifications that made me morbidly obese and has made me a problem drinker.

These last two years those key events I listed were not areas of my control. Had I been able to control it, my parents would still be alive and we would have them this upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas. As I type that, I am tearing up at the poignant sadness of that loss I couldn't control (even though I know how counter productive it would have been for my mom to still languish through her Alzheimer's Disease or for my Dad to continue his dialysis, struggling to attain his 93rd birthday. If I had been able to exert my control in this case it would have gratified me, and not been useful for either of my parents.) Certainly, I was not in control when I lost my job. Well, I was sort of, in that I proposed it in the interest of the agency, and in that when some of our Board tried to exploit me in my termination, I prevented them from doing that, and assured that we have the means to continue our lives economically, but those were moves that were well-played strategy at the end of a failed war. If my thoughts and feelings had been the basis of my future it would have not been this. Ironically it is turning out to be a much happier, healthier future than if I had been able to "control" the outcome in terms of my wants, feelings, and ego. When we did the gastric bypass surgery, my feelings and desires were to continue to eat, to celebrate my life as I always had, with food. I had just about celebrated myself out of existence....to the extent that whether I would still be here now, without my gastric bypass surgery, was likely realistically in question. I had to thwart my control by my emotions, habit, tradition, etc. to make that hugely lifesaving choice. That act was intellect flying massively in the face of emotion, want, need, habit, desire. It also was hugely difficult with massive post-operative infection, lengthy painful hospitalization, ileus, eventual subsequent bowel obstruction, more severe pain, a repeated bout of ileus, and then subsequent revolutionary upheaval in our dietary lifestyle for us all. Through all of these changes I was sustained, supported, and my success was enhanced by you and t. Without your dedication to me, we/I would not be where we are today. Had my wants and emotions and my immediate pleasure ruled the day, we would not be here, and I might well not be here.....literally.

Through all of these at times you were called upon to "serve" me in ways that are not what is classically called "submissive,” or what is typically thought of as the role of “slave.” At times the messages you told yourself about those experiences caused you to question who you were in our relationship, and who/what we were.

My change that was so necessary, involved my giving over control of my life to medical professionals, so I could have my present extreme healthiness........likely the most healthy I've been in my life. My needing to cede control in the near term to achieve long term CONTROL and good for us all created power exchange disruption. Now we revel in how great my strength was, and our strength was, in bringing my life into control and positive health. Now we have no doubts that somehow I was being less than Dominant in that process, though there were assuredly times in the process of "getting here" that we all had questions about that. We know that taking control of those issues was an act of great Dominance and that your role in supporting me was certainly an expression of our M/s relationship.

Now here we are again. Was I too act on my feelings, my wants, my desires; I would have whisky, and good red wine tonight, and peppermint schnapps, and kahlua. It would not be my intent, but what with the way my surgically altered GI system handles alcohol, I likely would wind up quite inebriated. I would be Dominant right? I'd be actualizing and gratifying my needs and wants and desires. Heck, it is arguable, that as my slave you would want me to be happy and gratified, so you “should” make me my drinks and bring them to me, and do whatever you needed to to support me once I was impaired. This is a model of M/s. Heck, it was our former model of M/s. I long to go back there.

I WILL NOT!!!! I/we both know that if I ever am able to drink again it will have to be in a very carefully controlled fashion, if it will be possible at all. Making this change like so many others we’ve made involves my giving over my control of what would immediately gratify me, in the interest of long term good. It has involved my directing you to move from your comfort zone, to use your strength to support me as I struggled emotionally and behaviorally through this. You get this intellectually. You are "freaked out" at the divergence of this reality from the fairy story model of M/s, we imagine.

Would you feel more comfortable in our M/s and your identity were we to go back to our reality of a month ago? I bet not.

Just as each of these has actually resulted in revolutionary changes, that have affirmed my control of life, and our M/s and love, so will this.

You question if you are a "good" slave or a slave at all. Few could sustain the juxtaposition of normalcy, to flip their relatedness in the near term to become more firmly ensconced in M/s long-term as you have. You are not a good "slave." You are the best and you do me the great honor of being mine! You are not an Internet model slave. You are a very strong wonderful, bright, caring, questioning struggling, mature, sexy, desirable woman whom I love.

I reaffirm you are MINE ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS! That will endure as long as I do.

I could say that I wish life were easier for us, however I suspect the only way for that to be true is for us not to continue to live. As we live and age there will continue to be changes and challenges.

Tom

P. S. I only request that if I mess up sincerely again and you have to discipline me.........couldn't you be just a little bit less effective at administering corporal punishment?:)Who would have imagined you'd learned such sadism. Where did you learn to be like that?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Taking Off the Mask

In the last month, on three separate occasions, I took implements that He and I have used for SM play through all these years, and used them to severely punish my Master. 

I was obeying His command.

I was convinced that I was acting to save His life and our relationship.

I believed that we had reached a critical point, and that there was no other alternative.

Looking back, seeing where we were and where we are today, I am glad for the changes and happy that He has taken control of His life again.  I know that, had things continued as they were, the consequences for His health were likely to be pretty dire. 

All of that is true, so why do I still feel as if I have somehow violated all the rules, stepped completely out of my place, betrayed my promise?  Why do I think that I can hear all the "true slaves" turning and walking away from me -- recognizing me for a complete and total fraud?  Why do I feel so afraid that in "saving us" I have somehow destroyed us? 

Even He, no... especially and particularly and most importantly He ... speaks of our relationship, acknowledging the new and perhaps permanent ambiguity -- "whatever it is that we call what we are..."

My feelings are terribly mixed -- convinced that what I did was the right thing, but convicted in my mind of a great deception, a huge scam. 

I don't remember which of us first use the words "Master" and "slave."  It was such a long time ago.  I remember that we used them tentatively and only after a good while together.  When we first used those labels for ourselves, for the relationship dynamic we shared, it seemed good and true and right.  I've lived with that set of labels for over eight years, and it feels like an integral part of who I am.

And if I am not ... that, then what am I?  Where do I belong? 

swan

Thanks, Thanks, and More Thanks

We’ve been through a very intense passage in the last month, and this past week has seemed calmer and good.  We are beginning to feel like we are on a path to healing and health, and we have some sense that we can do this together and have it be a good thing. 

Through the darkest days, readers of this blog sat with us, held us up, encouraged us, cajoled and admonished us, cheered us on, empathized and sympathized with us – in all, did the very things that good friends do.  In the midst of it all, we were so weary, so afraid, so caught up in the storm, that I’m afraid we didn’t do a very good job of acknowledging or responding to all that you poured out here for us. 

I’m not sure that an “after the fact” response will ever be as good as it would have been if we’d been there with words of thanks and appreciation in the moment, but tonight – in a quieter and calmer time – I want to try and convey to all of you how powerfully and wonderfully you helped all of us with your words…

This will be a departure from anything I’ve ever done on this blog, but I want to try to show you the gifts you gave all of us, and then see if I can make it clear to you what your heartfelt words meant to us…  Read down this page, through the various comments that were left for us over the past month, and I imagine that you will be as moved and awestruck as we are at the amazing generosity of spirit that was shared with us.  We will never be able to say thank you in any measure equal to what you have gifted us with, but I hope these few words, scattered among yours, will suffice.

swan

Greenwoman said...

Tom, I'm very happy you are addressing this significant issue in your life. It will make things so much happier and comfortable for you…I learned … I drank because of specific emotions. If I dealt with the emotions involved, the urge to drink evaporated…You've already noticed difficult emotions, so I surmise that its emotions which are actually causing these urges to drink... I am sure you'll attend to all this with success…I don't find this at all odd or out of keeping with a real power exchange or your dominance.

... I might suggest if you've got the least access to health care coverage is you might want to get a counselor to... An outside expert whose specialty is emotional support seems like a logical solution to your difficulties right now. 

 Greenwoman -- thank you, for sharing your own personal experience, and for affirming us in our own efforts to approach this problem within the context of our dynamic.  That affirmation was powerful in ways that you cannot know.

Impish1 said...

You are not going to get any judgements from me… I'm sorry you are struggling so. Those of us who find pleasure in seeking sensations do often love so many other pleasures as well. It's not unusual to not like limits as much, I guess. …Good luck, thinking good supportive thoughts for you all

And…

What a peek into the dynamic! … Wishing you both peace, calm, and continued good progress.  T, too.

And –

Swan, I know this … is … One more thing you do for love, and for your family. I'm thinking of you in your lonely moments. … I do believe, as before, the love and commitment of your family will see it through this too.

Tom, I can't help but think that finding out that you were actually far deeper into the grip of alcohol at each step than either of you realised will help a great deal… I'm sure you'll have a much better chance at getting a handle on it now. Good luck, and keep up the good work.

And—

So glad to hear you are reaching for outside help…Thinking of you, and sending supportive thoughts your way.

And—

I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that things are going better for you all just now… I will keep rooting for you, each of you.

And—

I respect your courage in continuing your research, and looking dead in the eye that which you dread the most. … So many are pulling for you all, and wishing you well. Stay strong, and keep on with your difficult work. Good thoughts for you all.

And—

ceremony, and a few fine things...maybe tea from the fine cup, dinner on the nice tiny plate with the fine linen napkin, or the special plate, special sheets, or cuddly blanket one is brought when another in the family recognizes the specialness of the day. There are many ways to a sense of celebration other than through one's mouth. Have hope, have faith, mourn your loss, then move on and discover your own.  

Impish -- You have so often, stretched your own boundaries to be a friend and a support to us, and you have done that again, balancing all of our various emotions and reactions and generously passing out encouragement and validation to each one of us.  Thank you!

nancy said...

My heart goes out to you with this problem.
It is not easy especially trying to drink in moderation.
…
Best of luck , it is a life long struggle.

And—

My heart goes out to you all. What a sad post…You certainly all have my support!

And—

I'm glad to read that you've found some outside help! …Sometimes it is just too much to handle alone.  Keep us posted and good luck on the rocky road.

And—

I'm glad you have a plan and wish you the very best … what works for you won't work for the next person.

And—

What a tremendously soulful post... I am speechless in the face of such pain and strength.

And—

Perhaps …soul-ebration…your souls have gone through such huge changes.
Your hearts are still intact…Cheers and good luck finding your joy! 

Nancy -- It was so clear, reading your comments, that you were speaking to us from your own very personal experience and pain.  Thank you for being willing to share with us from such a vulnerable place.

butterfly said...

I wish I had some awesome advice for you, but I'm afraid I don't… Good luck to you...I'm sure you'll succeed wonderfully.

And—

I'm so glad you did that research! I'm sure it was a weight off your shoulders to learn that there is a medical reason you're struggling so hard. Good for you!

And—

I'm very sad for you all going through this...quite an adjustment…

butterfly -- Thank you for all the positive words and cheering from the sidelines.  We really did need that on more than one occasion.

abby said...

Thank you for having the courage to share this new journey with us. If anyone can do this, the Heron clan can!

And--

… I don't think i could do what you are doing. The Heron Clan is one shining example of love and devotion. Good luck on your continued journey

And—

My heart goes out to all of you. I cannot imagine how difficult this has been...HUGS.

And—

You CAN complete this very difficult journey successfully...HUGS to all the clan

And—

I was very worried about all of you..am less so now. This still will not be an easy road, but it is one the 3 of can travel together, and succeed.

abby -- Thank you for caring, and thank you for all those hugs and words of encouragement.  You helped us keep going when it seemed too tough to keep on.

sin said...

… I do think that those of us who indulge our sensuality, often indulge in other things. We love food, and sensation, and we have addictive personalities. But you have conquered other, harder adversaries and I am sure you will conquer this one…I find the switching unsettling…I totally understand why you would feel scared, anxious…I am impressed at the way you express yourself, with your honesty about yourself here, about your feelings, your concerns.

And—

Keep it going Herons. One day at a time, but with the end view of success in mind.

And—

What replaces food and drink? Friends. Lovers. Laughing. Joking. Talking too loud.
Art, exercise, personal goals set and met. Family. Children. Grandchildren. Travel. Novelty. Beauty. Music.  Tastes of lots of things. Some food, but mostly experience.
Sex. Love. Spanking. Pain. Exultation. Passion. Emotion.  Meditation. Prayer. Spiritualism.  Food and drink are only two elements of celebration and not the most important two. 

sin -- Thank you for your thoughtful and incisive comments.  You gave us hope and encouragement and things to think about.

Alice said...

I am always impressed by the courage you all have to share candidly and honestly about your lives here. …I wish you all good luck with this endeavor. The past year has been extremely difficult for your whole family. I have kept you all fondly in my thoughts as I read of each hardship. … I continue to dearly hold you in my thoughts and prayers (yes, I do buy into that whole mythos, but it is positive energy being sent your way). *smiles*

Alice -- just because we don't "buy into that whole mythos" doesn't mean we don't appreciate the energies that come our way from people who DO.  Thank you for every kind word and prayer.

Rhonda said...

wow. While i have hopes for the best for all of you, i don't believe this is going to work…

And --

The three of you have WAY more than just a bit of "strength and courage and integrity and... intellect." It took a lot of strength and courage just for Tom to post what he did. I admire all of you, for your honesty and openness, with both the good and the bad that constitutes your lives together. I really hope that you all will be successful in using your family dynamic to resolve this issue. You are all very lucky to have one another. Best wishes.

 Rhonda -- Thank you for being with us in spite of your own doubts and misgivings.  To be with someone when doing that makes you personally uncomfortable is a remarkable thing.

weirdgirl said...

I commend you wholeheartedly for being so candid about the issues you face. As someone who is just over 4 years sober I wish you all strength and perseverence…

And—

i feel like i am overstepping the mark somewhat here… i really do encourage you to seek some professional assistance in dealing with this issue…sobriety is very very hard …apologies if this comes across as in anyway preachy or patronizing…i have been touched by your candour, and the obvious pain surrounding this issue for you, and wish you all the best.

And—

i wish just to clarify my meaning when i suggested professional assistance... Alcohol withdrawal, should one wish to cease using completely, is one of the few detoxes that can actually prove fatal. ...…wishing you peace. gentle hugs to all

And—

i can totally relate to your grief - for a time i was very sad about *losing* alcohol from my life, but gradually replaced it with much more productive, creative (and cheaper!!!) past-times. …i look forward to reading of YOUR exploits in this new chapter of your life

weirdgirl -- Thank you for the courage to share with us and, in doing so, expose yourself to possible criticism. 

KellyRed said...

Good for you Tom! Thank you for being so open and honest. Don't listen to the nay-sayers, persevere, and you will conquer this, just like you have conquered so many other imposing issues. 

And—

… His comment makes me hope the most difficult part might be over. Good Luck to all of you. 

KellyRed -- Thank you for assuring us that we could do this, no matter what the "nay-sayers" might think.  We had relatively few of those, but I believe it was because people like you "stood at the gates" for us.

dara said...

… It's doing my heart good to see this. 

dara -- Thank you.  It was so good to know that we had people cheering us on.

Leonard said...

Your blog has become searingly honest and I applaud your openness and your efforts to conquer the problem. But I hope someone keeps in the back of their mind that alcohol "may" (or may not) be a problem bigger than the skill sets you have… it is possible that extra outside help might be needed.

Leonard -- Thank you for reminding us that, should we need it, help is available on "the outside"

Sir said...

Keep up the good work … in the long run it will pay off

And—

… all the best in your campaign to stop drinking...I know you will succeed.

Sir -- Thank you for the words of encouragement, and for believing in us.

Renee' said...

Without any intentions of malice … it would be appropriate to consider seeking professional help … genuine concern and wishes for the best to you and yours.

Renee' -- We never felt any malice in your comments.  Thank you for your concern.

LynLass said...

…I wish you nothing but the best … and will be watching your posts for how it goes.
Still in my thoughts and prayers,

And—

Oh how I hope that this works for you… You all remain in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time together.

And—

You CAN complete this very difficult journey successfully...HUGS to all the clan

And—

…I promise you it can be better… I recommend Sober Celebrations by Liz Scott …most people do experience a period of mourning for the loss of their "friend". … I'm proud of all of you, not just for what you've done, but your willingness to share a very difficult time with all of us who love you!

Lyn -- Thank you for your continued friendship, for sharing your personal journey, and for providing us the benefit of your expertise.

Bum Tickler said...

I hope it works for you.  I went to rehab and then to AA for a few months.  Then did it on my own.  Last drink was April 10, 1992.  It's worth it. 

Bum Tickler -- Thank you for sharing your story.  It really does help to know that others have been through this and been successful.

morningstar said...

As you know.. I am thinking of you and holding you close…You CAN do this ! 

And—

I am SO relieved that you are finding information to help you.. and that you are now on a path to improved health and living Hang in there.. the road will still be a bit bumpy .. but I know you can do this !!!

morningstar -- We always knew that you would be there cheering us on, but it is good to have your words of encouragement and support here.  We've felt like we've stepped out into uncharted territory and having a good friend with us is a huge comfort.

Hisflower said...

…good luck to you...i know you can do it Sir, for all of you.

 Hisflower -- thank you for believing in us.

wandering traveler said...

sending my best for your success…and gently encouraging that you explore outside community & support towards your stated goal. some addiction issues are not responsive to discipline alone 

 wandering traveler -- thank you for your good wishes and for your concern.

mamacrow said...

… hope it's ok to de-lurk and offer you hugs.  You've come out and detailed your problem infront of people here, owned up to your failings and admited your faults. … that's the hardest bit

And—

I can understand how hard it is.. it's not about the alchohol content exactly is it, it's about the whole ritual and image and idea of drinking?  brave desicion, we're all rooting for you

mamacrow -- it is always nice to meet someone who has been lurking.  Thank you for choosing this time to be openly a part of our world and our ongoing conversation.  We look forward to getting to know you better.

Omega said...

… I simply want to wish you all the best of luck. As someone who has traveled down a similar path (addiction), I understand how daunting it may seem. Mouse and I wish you all the best of luck.

Omega -- one of the truly amazing gifts from all of this has been the openess with which others have shared their stories.  Thank you for being among that number.

jojo said...

Keep on dancing. 

 jojo -- we are dancing.  Thank you for taking the time to be with us.

viemoira said...

I must admit I find the whole switching thing a bit confusing. … I think it is wonderful how open and honest you've all shared throughout this difficult experience. I'm sure many readers who battle their own demons have a new found respect.

And--

… I can only hope there may be some additional phase of continued clarity where you find something celebratory of what you've experienced, of your wisdom, of your love for another that many will never have the pleasure to experience...
Maybe even the celebration of having given others (such as myself) hope and reassurance... 

 viemoira -- Thank you for being open to this journey with us, even where it is confusing to you. 

Mrs Silly said...

I know regonize the feeling of loss …I try to find joy in little things now

Mrs. Silly -- thank you for acknowledging the sense of loss, and for helping us to recognize the little things that can bring us joy.

J said...

… It sounds like the three of you will be on the road to recovery in no time.

J -- we do believe we are "on the road" and thank you for supporting and encouraging us along the way.

Switching and other Stuff -- swan's View

What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. 

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Years and years and years of dreaming and hoping and wishing and  wanting and imagining -- that was my story at the beginning of my spanking life.  I'd wanted, or at least thought I wanted, a life that included control and spanking and pain, and that wanting reached all the way back to  the days of my very earliest pre-pubescent stirrings.  I thought I wanted it, but I really wasn't sure -- and I was married, "til death do us part," to a man who found that wanting to be disgusting and "sick."


And ... then I found, through an Internet search, sites that described domestic discipline.  It was a version of spanking within an adult relationship that was dressed up in the context of one partner disciplining the other as a way of creating and maintaining harmony in the household.  It seemed, "nicer" and more "normal" than the things I'd imagined, but I was able to convince my husband to try it...  And so, my journey began.


Very early, on a listserv dedicated to discussing the ins and outs of that particular subset of BDSM, I asked what I might expect of the path ahead.  How, I wondered, would this practice evolve?  It seemed to me that IF my spanking life were entirely tied to a disciplinary framework, then it would, necessarily and logically, come to an end.  Spanking predicated on a supposed need of mine for discipline would be a limited feature of my life because I knew that, if I approached it with integrity and intellect, all the behaviors that might reasonably "earn" me a spanking would surely be extinguished.


THAT was a scary prospect.  I could see that, even as I'd found a way to get what I'd wanted for so long, I'd set up a scenario that would rip it all away again.  None of the "older, wiser, more experienced" practitioners could give me any sort of satisfactory answer to my insistent questions about how it would all play out.  It was my first experience with that particular DD mental contortion that allows them to tell themselves it is all about maintaining discipline, while simultaneously sidestepping the obvious long-range implications of the dynamic.

It wasn't long until my own questing led me away from "pure" DD and into the more honest feeling practice of BDSM.  Along the way, I lost my husband.  The intense honesty of the path I was following was just too much for him.


Turning the last page on the "married" chapter of my life, I plunged into the fiery passions and pleasures of belonging to Master.  The early days, weeks, and months of our life together were driven by our mutual appetites -- and we were insatiable.  I didn't think much about the future in those days.  We spanked and spanked and spanked -- and the wildness of those days allowed me to ignore the quiet knowing voice that whispered to me that it couldn't go on like that FOREVER.  Or at least, I mostly ignored it. 

Things change.  Life is change.  We weren't youngsters when we found each other and we were clear, from the outset, that we didn't have time to waste.  We've been the living manifestation of "seize the moment."

Now, well over eight years have gone by.  We've loved and spanked a whole lot.  We've confronted a host of challenges; endured our share of losses.  We've grown and learned -- but the one unchanging truth of all of it has been change.  Change is inescapable.  And, I can still hear that younger "me" from so many years ago asking her questions, over and over -- "what will happen -- someday?"

What I've learned is that there is no way to answer the someday questions.  Things will inevitably be different someday than they are today.  What I've learned is that it is best to live in the right now as much as possible.  There is no seeing into the misty future, and no way to move it one jot even if I could see it clearly.  And, the happy news is that our "right now" is pretty darn good.  I'm liking it -- a lot:

• We aren't spanking like we did -- once upon a time.  We are, though, spanking way more than we did just a couple of years ago, and I'm liking it more, feeling more secure and more sure -- finding my way back to that peculiar sort of masochism that seems to be my own special gift.  I'm waking up, more and more often, and feeling that "I wish I could get spanked" stirring in my gut.
• We're switching, He and I.  We haven't done that for years -- probably 5 or 6, and I'd missed it.  I really had come to believe that it was a part of our spanking lexicon that was gone for good.  The opportunity to act as Top allows me to engage in spanking play from the other end of the power exchange.  It lets me touch Him,  love Him, pleasure Him, communicate with Him, and share with Him using the intimate language which is our common passion.
• We've ventured into disciplinary dynamics, this time with me in the role of disciplinarian, and doing that has radically changed our lives for the better.  It has been terribly hard for us both, and there have been times when we've been sick at heart as we've struggled to navigate those choppy waters.  However, using the disciplinary tool has given us a chance to reinvent our lives together and reclaim our relationship.  I've learned that I DO have the skills and strengths needed to act in that capacity, and it is important for me to understand those gifts.
• We've regained our evenings.  There are an additional three or four hours available to us each night, and that is time we are enjoying with one another.  We spank at night and we make love.  I am really enjoying the nights when I am bundled off to sleep with a hot, stingy butt.  
• We've made adjustments.  Well, truthfully, He's made adjustments in the style of play He usually engages in with me.  More and more, He is gentler and slower with me, and I am better able to catch up and come along and be with Him.  It has allowed me to regain my sense of confidence and joy in belonging to Him.  It is less intensely sadistic, and more sensitive and mutual.  I am aware that we've likely mellowed to the point where we are now officially out of the ranks of "the cool kids," but it is so good to feel safe and secure again about putting myself in His hands when we play.
• We are "in love" again.  It isn't that we ever really were "not in love," but we'd seen our passions and energies banked and dimmed.  Poly people recognize a phenomenon known as "new relationship energy" (NRE).  Most acknowledge that NRE tends to run its course in about a year.  We seem to have been gifted with a particularly long-lived and robust form of NRE.  I don't know why we seem to keep falling in love over and over again, but I am thrilled -- feeling like a randy sixteen year old.

So there's the state of our union on this day.  I don't have any urge to ask those questions about "someday" anymore.  I've learned that "someday" will take care of itself.  It is enough to live this day hand in hand with the One who holds my heart.

swan

Two Switching Related Questions

swan, back in October 2008, looked back wistfully to recall earlier days in our relationship when I used to switch with her -- giving her the opportunity to Top me, and for me to experience, first hand, the joys and challenges of bottoming. This was her post: Switching-Memories. I recall feeling slightly saddened that her desires for this aspect of our former play were unrequited, but too, I had no energy or interest at that point for me to be anything but Master, and Top in SM play/interaction between us, whether as a form of sensual eroticism, or should the rare occasion arise where serious corporal discipline might ensue. I told her I was sorry for her longing, but did nothing to satisfy it either.

Fast forward to this past July. I'd lost my job.......... or more accurately, my career, a month earlier. Fortunately, I am in a position to turn my unemployment into an unexpected, defacto retirement, which while it is earlier than I had planned, is economically feasible with some frugality. The truth is I'm enjoying my permanent vacation and amazed that I get a weekly check, while not busting my butt as I did for 35 years in my professional career, and in many schlep jobs for a decade before that, while working my way through college and graduate school. Suddenly, amidst a wide variety of cascading emotions I was experiencing, I had this feeling, fleeting at first, and then ever more prominent, that I wanted to bottom again for the first time in about five or six years. I have questioned over and over again why this came to be. I didn't want to bottom exclusively...........far from that. I didn't even want to bottom most of the time. I did find myself feeling though an attraction, an itch, to be a bottom partner with my two, not a Top exclusively as I have for the past half dozen years.

The only hypothesis I have, and it is purely hypothetical (I have no evidence to validate it or invalidate it), is that perhaps, losing my job has made me more open to sharing the power exchange in a more egalitarian sense. In my work, I was a corporate CEO of a medium-sized nonprofit advocacy organization. I had 17 staff all of whom directly or indirectly reported to me. I called the shots along with my Board (my board that eventually became so tired of my calling the shots they chose to help me out the door:) I was heavily involved in leading statewide public policy campaigns that required strength, leadership, and huge competitiveness. I was Dominant. Perhaps now that my life does not require me to be nearly so "in control," maybe I am able to relax enough to be able to try both ends of the power exchange continuum.

Many of you have read here for some time, and you know that we share about ourselves and our innermost struggles and our joys about as openly as you'll find in our blog community. Many of you have provided me feedback and insight as well as support that has been invaluable over the past few weeks as we have struggled through my evolution to alcohol cessation due to the effects my gastric bypass surgery on my alcohol metabolism and tolerance (fifteen days abstinent today:) If you have any thoughts about what might have caused me to evolve so suddenly to switch once again, I'd appreciate your taking the time to share them.

There has been another issue that has come to the fore as we have implemented switching as an aspect of our play, and even more as our switching actually led to using sincere and even quite severe corporal punishment as an adjunct to support me in reaching behavior goals surrounding my drinking. When I used to switch, I was generally quite stoic about being spanked. Now admittedly in those days we were generally not using corporal punishment but rather sensual erotically focused SM play. There was a period of time in late 1999 when t spanked me disciplinarily as an adjunct to my achieving smoking cessation goals, and that was effective and helpful, but we had not directed corporal discipline toward me since then.

Even then, while I would find spankings anxiety provoking and motivational, as a form of aversive control and deterrence, I was relatively stoic.

Suddenly I am way sensitive to spanking pain. It seems that implements that we used back then, that I used to take quite readily in stride, now really make me become very reactive.

Swan and I were talking about this on IM yesterday. I was telling her about getting my quarterly cortisone shots in my arthritic shoulder and knee that morning from a physician assistant named Stephen:

swan: how are You? Did you get your shots? Tom: I'm fine: all X-rayed and shot up swan: good hopefully that will help soon Tom: Stephen gave me photo-copies of my shoulder and knee He said I should frame them:) Says they are two of the sorriest joints in medical history can't imagined I am managing to power walk on my knee LOL swan: that's because he is "Stephen" Tom: gave him my standard," I still don't know how to levitate." he said it must be very painful and I must be tough DUH!!!!!!!!!!!! He thinks I need him to tell me how much my knee hurts idiot! ...so, If I have such awesome pain tolerance, how come I've become such a spanking pain weenie:) I'm about like an eight year old little boy getting his butt spanked swan: your KNEE is tough
Tom: have I put all my toughness into my knee and shoulder ? none left over for my butt:) swan: that's exactly it left for the skinny rump Tom: plus too, I benefit at times from the pain in my butt no value to the pain in my knee & shoulder swan: this is true and no emotional content Tom: what we did two weeks ago yesterday was excruciating agony..........and helped me lots... none of that in my joints.......

These excerpts of yesterday morning's chat point to one hypothesis we have. I have continual and chronic pain in my right shoulder and my left knee. Both will be replaced: the shoulder in summer 2011, and the knee in summer 2012. I am realizing today, as my steroid shots are beginning to take hold and I am getting relief, how great a toll that constant pain takes on me. Could it be that one has a finite amount of pain tolerance, and that if one uses it up in one part of his anatomy, there is less to share in terms of tolerance for other pain experiences?

The other hypothesis we have is that my ass is significantly changed. Before my surgery, at 320 pounds, my waist was 54 inches. I had a large, wide, very well-padded, and in terms of a spanking target, quite spacious butt. Now at 160 pounds, with a 32 inch waist, I have this quite skinny, little, not very padded butt. I can't tell you how often I sit on a bench or chair that I was quite comfortable on before, feeling quite "well padded," and now I feel the bottom of my pelvis sitting directly on a very hard surface that is uncomfortable and, at times even, a bit painful.

The Domme who originally undertook to train me in the technical aspects of BDSM play many many years ago was a registered nurse. She had a slave who was a dwarf. She used to explain to me that she had to be very gentle with her in spanking, etc. in that she experienced pain from impact play way more intensely than did "normal" people. She explained that we all had the same number of pain receptors and that the larger our girth, the fewer there were per area, say per square inch or whatever measure. Thus, a large wide bottom experienced spanking less painfully that a smaller and less padded bottom. I at the time wondered if that was a valid explanation. I now find myself going back over those conversations wondering if I now have a more dense concentration of pain receptors in my ass, due to my new smaller size, and if that explains how "wimpy" I am, when I am spanked.

The only other thought I've had is simple aging. When I quit bottoming last I was about 55. Now I am 61. Perhaps old guys just get tactilely quite sensitive.

I will say that this "new sensitivity" I've developed certainly ratcheted up the impact of the disciplinary experience I had two weeks ago. Believe me that morning's whipping, what with my new much lower pain tolerance, communicated a message that was compelling beyond belief and that had a true deterrent effect.

Again, should any of you have any sort of experience with this or a similar phenomenon, or have some other hypotheses as to why I might be reacting this way, I'd very much appreciate hearing from you, as I/we always appreciate it when any of you provide us input or reactions.

All the best,

Tom

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