To say it has been an intense week at The Heron Clan. Would be ridiculous understatement. We are grappling and struggling with a beast of a problem that is embodied in me but that effects all three of us. I have been punished severely. swan has done that, and not without paying a price emotionally and spiritually. Last night and today she is clearly exhausted. Of course this whole process has evolved as she is returning to her first week of school, in Cincinnati heat which was in the mid 90's F all of last week. She has been admirable in the ruthlessness of her severity, and in the supportiveness of her counseling me and supporting me to be as transitional as I can be to my/our new behavior goals. She has loved me and supported me throughout ( as much as one can support someone while they are hiding them.) I have tried to be supportive of her when I was cognizant and not in the grips of the addiction I am grappling with. This is for me a momentous statement. It is the first time I have owned my having an addiction (other than spanking:) We are in flux. We are revising our goals for next week to encompass greater change (less or no drinking by me during the day on week days). We will have those limits defined by Tuesday when she returns to work at the end of the Labor Day holiday here in the U, S.
This has been very hard for me. I am the beneficiary in terms of my long term health. Sue has had a harder row to hoe, in my mind and her benefits have been more indirect.
swan I thank you for undertaking to do this, knowing full well I demanded it of you. This has been tough for us all, but uniquely tough for you. I love you and honor you for your strength. I forgive you for not knowing where my ass was when you punished me, knowing you may have chosen the areas around it for punishment knowing they hurt more. Please, if in this process you have to whip me again avoid my off hip. I no longer have padding there and I fear the effects of that bruising which is still severe after quite a while. Blistering my ass which is much more well padded will punish me extremely but do less, and shorter-lived injury.
Thank you for undertaking to do my bidding to discipline me about getting this problem behavior, with health consequences for me, and for our family, under control. You are serving me well and supporting me in dealing with a significant behavior for my/and our family's well-being.
I love you and thank you,
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
i feel like i am overstepping the mark somewhat here, but the imposition of your intended limitations on alcohol use cause me anxiety on your behalf... if you are battling an addiction moderation will probably never work for you. i understand that 12-step programs aren't your thing (mine neither!) however i really do encourage you to seek some professional assistance in dealing with this issue. empathically, i know what it is to fear a life without something i have enjoyed...a release, a social lubricant, an escape, a wonderful companion to fine food and good company...i worried i would be depriving myself of a great pleasure. moderation was something i tried. often. hell, abstinence was something i tried, though less often ;) After a time of sobriety i would become more confident that i could manage my alcohol use *this time* and indeed did- for a while. And then, gradually, things would slip out of control again. Usually my weak points were (and still are in fact) at times of great success and confidence...it is then when i can almost convince myself a drink would be ok...
ReplyDeleteFor myself, i know better now. i realised my own pattern and live conscious of it in every moment. sobriety is very very hard work for me. the more time passes the harder it gets in some ways, as i move further and further away from the *bad* parts of my addiction, surrounded by the *good* parts of it (i work in a fine-dining establishment).
i hope for your sake (and swan's and T's) that moderation can work for you without becoming a never-ending battle.
with all due respect, i would highly recommend consulting a professional: alcohol withdrawal can be fatal. it's a mean drug.
sincere apologies if this comes across as in anyway preachy or patronising. i myself struggle with the AA concept, and the preachy nature that so often accompanies the *reformed* drinker...i hope that i am not guilty of the same.
i have been touched by your candour, and the obvious pain surrounding this issue for you, and wish you all the best.
weirdgirl
weirdgirl -- I don't think you "overstepped the mark" at all. I appreciate your concern and your willingness to share your own experience, while acknowledging that it is YOUR experience. Doing that keeps you well clear of the realm of "preachy."
ReplyDeleteWe are very much aware of the level of difficulty that we are facing in trying to deal with the issues of alcohol abuse and addiction in our lives. We understand that the general wisdom and usual experience is that nothing can be done in dealing with this except through the auspices of "professionals." For a wide variety of reasons, we are very sure that there is nothing that the professional community can offer us in this situation. We feel very much on our own here, and as intimidating as that is, we are determined to fight the battle with every ounce of skill and strength we can muster. It is not something that we take lightly and we do not expect it to be easy. Nor do we know, at this moment, exactly how the resolution will manifest itself. We are going forward, holding on to one another, prepared to work hard and hoping to win out.
What you, and so many others offer to us is your caring, your concern, and your friendship. Those are gifts of great value to us in these days.
Thank you!
swan
thank you swan and you are most welcome.
ReplyDeletei wish just to clarify my meaning when i suggested professional assistance... Alcohol withdrawal, should one wish to cease using completely, is one of the few detoxes that can actually prove fatal. my allusion to professional aid was suggested more in the context of the physiological than the emotional - perhaps the possibility of a pharmaceutical aid to withdrawal or some such.
to suggest something such as counselling to you seems somehow insulting - even from the limited amount of your life and thought processes we are privileged enough to share here it is patently obvious that you already have the skills in place to deal with the curliest of issues! You both possess much insight and wisdom into your selves and the processes you need to accomplish your goals - you would run rings around any counsellors i have ever encountered! :)
after reading your last post though, my heart sank. i hope that abstinence may soon be tabled as a viable option - even if only to provide a reprieve to regroup and reassess.
wishing you peace. gentle hugs to all
weirdgirl