Chicken

I've been mulling all sorts of things that I could write this morning. Very "heady," intellectual sort of pieces about things that don't get close to anything very important to me...

I've also been cruising around reading at various blogs, making comments, and commiserating about how many of us seem to share some commonality of experience at one level or another.

Avoidance behavior. I'm not writing what is really on my mind.

Because I'm scared. Again. Or maybe still. Or something that's a combination of the two of those for which I don't really have a word.

Friday is my post-operative checkup with the doctor. I'll get the stitches removed, and I'll get the first "official" report on how things are on the inside. The way I understand this, I should get cleared to resume my "normal" activities. That probably doesn't include intercourse, and I'll still have restrictions about lifting anything above a certain weight, but I should be able to drive again, and I should be able to get back to a more or less regular set of activities. I think I remember the doctor saying that the time frame for intercourse was something like six weeks...

So.

Scared.

Because, "normal activities," around here includes of course, SM. And I'm hungry, even starving for that part of our life, and scared about beginning again with this new body. Because I have visions of scaffolding up around the insides, of things hanging from baling wire and duct tape, of lose pieces only tenuously attached... I just don't feel very secure about the physical integrity of my "self," and that makes the idea of IMPACT very scary. I can't shake the image of cutoff, open pipes kind of just sticking out into the darkness, waiting to kind of come away from their moorings and start spraying every which way, like some bad cartoon...

I know I'm supposed to trust. I know that I need to remember that I'm His, and then turn it all over to Him. I know that I'm supposed to give Him what He needs in order to take care of me, and then let the rest go. I just don't know how to know what it is I need to know about this so that I can tell Him what He needs to know.

I don't think it is prudent to ask the doctor if "normal activities" really does include spanking, paddling, caning, strapping, and whipping. I know there are people in the community who have health care professionals who are Kink Aware and/or Kink Friendly, but for the most part, I think most doctors have obligations to report such activities as potential or suspected abuse. That's a risk I'm not willing to take, and a compromising position I'm not willing to put my doctor in.

So. He'll decide. Based on what I tell Him, of how I'm feeling. He'll proceed as He sees fit. He'll take care of me. I know this. And I am hungry. And I am scared. Really.

swan