Writing and Privacy

It is a funny thing when you write about your life in a forum like this. By definition, the writing is an invitation to strangers to look into your personal dealings, your intimate affairs, your hidden moments. Whatever other motivations there might be for the regular pouring out of words at the keyboard, the simple reality is that there is an audience for this kind of journal. Acknowledged or not, bidden or not, catered to or not, the mere presence of those readers changes the experience of this writing in unavoidable ways.

It is an interesting activity. For me, there are days when the effort to come and find the integrity to say anything honest at all is enormous. There are days when I seriously question what I can say, and why I should bother to say it. I continually fight the demons that drive me to compare myself and my life with others, and find both wanting, and then sink into despair. Over and over again, I come back to the simple artifice of writing whatever comes off the ends of my fingers when I sit at the keyboard, and then resisting the urge to edit it or gild it or embellish it. What shows up here is my and our life pretty much the way it gets lived, which is why so much of it is so darned plain.

And then there are the times when someone will come along and demand more. Insist on the answers to questions asked. Point fingers at perceived faults and failings and short-comings. Require explanations beyond what is offered. Times like that don't happen often, but when they do, I sometimes pull the curtain, close the door, and simply say, "No. Sorry. That is off limits and private. Past this point, you may not go."

Most of the people who read here regularly, who have come to feel like friends and companions, don't ever push that boundary in the first place, but in any event, they always seem to understand the drawing of that line. It almost always seems like it is the casual visitor, or the nameless ones, who are the most likely to get huffy over that refusal to "bare all" for their amusement or edification. People who don't bring anything to the table, from a relational standpoint, seem to always be the first to yell about how miserly I am with the juicy details. How very odd...

I know it may seem strange to say it in this context, but I am a private person. What I give of myself here is drawn forth with effort. What I reserve to myself is held back with care and for a reason. I believe that I do that with integrity.

This last minor scuffle over "privacy" has reminded me of my days long ago when I competed as a high school student in Lincoln-Douglas Debate. LD Debate is one-man debate, as opposed to the more common Cross-examination, two-person style. It is fast-paced, and demanding precisely because you have no partner to help you formulate arguments or rebuttals in the heat of the event.

I remember one match very clearly. The proposition that season was, "Resolved that an absolute right to privacy is fundamental." I was pitted with the affirmative argument against a young man who was very accomplished and had gone unbeaten that year when he was arguing the negative case. He gave all the standard arguments that honest, decent people with nothing to hide should not need a guarantee of privacy to protect themselves from their own government, etc. I had plenty of evidence to the contrary: case law, and anecdotes of one sort and another. My case was carefully constructed, but I was clearly going to lose. Finally, in desperation, I looked (with all the innocence I could muster) at this handsome, athletic, obviously popular, virile young guy, who had already established that he considered himself to be the sort of honest, decent, upstanding sort that had nothing to hide, and asked a simple question: "Do you masturbate, and if so how often?"

He turned fifteen shades of red. The judge sprayed coffee out his nose. I won all the points for the round -- except for those for "ethics." I lost every one of those, and so lost the round, but it was worth it. Because, I knew the answer the dude should have given me. It would have screwed his argument, but it would have saved his dignity: "That's private. I won't discuss it with you."

I write a personal weblog. I talk about a lot of personal stuff. Some of it emotionally charged. Some of it kinky. Some of it sexy. Some of it about as mundane and everyday as the day is long. I love to get comments and questions. If something that a reader says or asks sparks a discussion or another line of thought, so much the better. But if something crosses over into territory that is private, for whatever reason, I am old enough and secure enough to say so, and stick by it -- no matter how frustrated it might make folks.

That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

swan