Slavery is for the Brave

Most of the last years of my formal religious association were with Quakers (Religious Society of Friends). There are factions to friends, but I spent my time with what unprogrammed Friends meetings, where the form of worship is nominally "silent," and where there is no formal or paid clergy.

I came to know, over my years with Friends, many amazing, good, dedicated people, who had lived their lives pursuing many worthy causes. Many of them do their work with great zeal and much good intent and good will.

As one who came to understand that I would forever strive and aspire to live up to the ideals that were embodied in the Quaker testimonies that I learned as I studied the faith and practices of Friends, I became, over the years I spent with them, a keen observer of Quaker culture. One phenomenon that I came to notice with fair regularity was that many lifelong Quakers lived their lives with one eye on their "memorial" service.

As with all other unprogrammed Friends worship services, Friends celebrate the end of life with a Meeting for Worship. This service is held, as are all other worship services, in 'silence." Typically, this means that the gathering comes together at the appointed hour and settles in quietly and with no apparent worship leader. There is no "order of service," and no music, no readings, no liturgy of any sort. Friends gather together to meditate and pray in silence. The belief is that such a gathering will be led by the Spirit, and that whatever "truth" arises from spirit will be spoken, spontaneously, by those in attendance. As Friends are moved to speak, they simply rise to their feet and speak whatever message they feel they have been given to speak to the assembled gathering. Usually, in memorial Meetings for Worship, the messages have to do with remembrances of the deceased... A good memorial meeting typically is far from "silent" as packed Meeting rooms of Friends and non-(F)friends pour forth their best memories of the departed.

I've been pondering that sort of ending here lately as I think about how my life has come to be. Interesting to contemplate that sort of focusing out into some future where a hypothetical gathering might come together to "remember."

The reality is that there is likely not going to be much of a gathering when it comes down to the end of my days. Choosing to focus as intently on a single point, as I have, means something very specific. Much of my life is internal. Much of who I am is hidden. Even where my "life" is lived out in the world, it remains largely invisible to those with whom I work. I keep myself away from my students and my colleagues. I do not socialize except at very minimal levels. I do not share about my private life. I have no social context. I have pared away my connections to friends, to family, to outside. I am slave. I am owned. Should that reality become fully revealed, my life would be destroyed -- our lives would be destroyed. It cannot be known, must not be known. Those who were my past, have mostly gone away. Those who would be my present are strictly limited and constrained by my reality. Those who might be my future are viewed with care and deep suspicion. There is no great gathering of those who know me...

I am dedicated inside my life. It is the path I have chosen and which continues to be chosen for me and by me.

There are some who believe that this is a path that is about sex. There are those who believe that this is a game or a pose or something light and fun and simply a facade that is put on like a costume that one dons for a party or a special event. Some play at this and find it amusing. I read around, and see those who play at power exchange because they think it is exciting and adds a little interest to their relationship. Sometimes people ask what it is that powers this for those of us who do this, why we put up with it, or even why we write about it. Many people fail to see what it is that makes this any different than those in vanilla relationships who iron and cook and treat each other nicely everyday. That is foolishness. This is not for those who are not willing to walk mostly alone. And to finish alone.

Slavery is for the brave.

swan