I've got some good friends who "DO" this Red Hatter business. More power to them. I always sort of liked the poem -- until the Red Hat societies started springing up everywhere, taking advantage of the loneliness of lonely women everywhere, and subjecting them to self-imposed public humiliation play... I'm sorry, but having survived as female in this culture to a certain age shouldn't mean that you are automatically a candidate for social insanity, and this is just too crazy for words. As far as I can tell, none of these women have dominants requiring this sort of exposure to public embarassment. They do it to themselves, in large groups, at considerable personal expense. No thanks. And, yes, I am old enough to be a full-fledged Red Hat Lady -- not just a Lavender Princess. Just in case you were wondering, young whippersnapper!!!Today, though, I'm feeling lousy. I hurt. Inside. Where there is nothing left to hurt anymore. Just the spaces. Bruised and empty. Aching. And I am afraid. Of the nothingness. Of the long weeks ahead and the questions that lurk where I don't want to look. And can't help looking anyway.
I am now living in a body that I don't know anymore. And I am afraid of knowing what it will end up meaning. I am horny already and afraid of that horniness. I can't go anywhere with that response. Can't do anything with it. No sex. No SM. Can't know what will be there when I can... Every move, every breath aches. I am cold and shivery and sad.
No longer maiden. No longer mother. Crone. Officially.
And guess what? If you go look up "
crone" on line, there are Crone Counsels! Just like Red Hat societies, only a little less flamboyant. No shit! There they are. Right there in the picture. All hanging out together in the picture, smiling for the camera. More public humiliation play. You can go online and get directions for how to do Croning Ceremonies, airy-fairy, new-agey bullshit, with candles and chants and a nice dessert for afterwards and whoopie zing!!! Makes me want to scream. Or throw things. Or punch holes in the walls. How's that for wise woman behavior?
That's how it is here on day 5.
swan
and that's an ok place to be on day 5....... on day 55 you will be on another page (hopefully)..
ReplyDeletei cannot pretend to know how you feel - i begged to have mine removed a number of years ago.. but they wouldn't... i am now menopausal.... and honestly am celebrating it.. not with red hats or candles and chants and fancy desserts but just with a quiet inner celebration....
hang in there swan....... cause i have no words of wisdom.. just an ear to listen (or in this case eyes to read)
morningstar (owned by Warren)
http://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/
Sweetie, you/we, are so much further along on day 5 than we'd ever dreamed we might be. You are going to recover and you are already so much better than you were. I hear your emptiness and fear and I am so sorry. Are you remembereing that we have had numerous wild weather fronts blow through here in the last 4 days.....weather fronts that would always, in the past, have triggered migrasines and there have been none....not even the hint of a headache.
ReplyDeleteI too feel the sacrifcie of this 4 weeks with no sex or SM. I know too that we are going to be better than ever when we are able to return to normalcy.
As for red hatters....my god sue....look in the mirror!! There is no one in those groups who looks like you and will not be. You are not alone. You are loved and cherished and lusted after. You have no similarity to those "old ladies" who I am sure are lovely.......but they are not you in any way.
I know too that this was the day your kiddo's returned to school without you and that your heart is breaking, missing them. You've done wonderful planning with your substitute and they will be fine....not a goood as they could have been with you....but fine, until you return. And when you do return you are going to have so much more to give them than you had before.
I love you. We love you. You have a glorious future. All 3 of us do together.
Thank you so much to all of our friends who have provided such wonderful support and caring here as this transition progresses.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Dear swan I certainly can't say it better than Dancer, she's right you know.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget that maiden, mother and crone are all aspects of the goddess, the goddess who is the essential female, believe me you are still all woman, perhaps even more so than before, you'll see in a little while.
Have courage dear girl, it will come right.
Hugs.
Paul.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteWishing you a great transition to a better things.
But keep on being honest in your posts.
And thanks for stopping by my blog. Your comment got me to thinking. And thinking is a good thing.
Thank you, Sir.
ReplyDeleteThank you, All...
I know I am whining.
I am ashamed of the fear I am feeling over this.
So many of you have told me it will be fine, and I KNOW you all must be right.
But it doesn't FEEL right.
It feels sore and dead and scary.
And I am not feeling very brave...just tired and weepy and spent.
Still I love you all for putting up with me. Thank you so much.
I am believing that a day will come soon when I will wake up and it will really be better.
swan
*offers a gentle warm hug* You're never far from my thoughts Swan and when you're weepy or "whiny," I'm just holding you that much closer.
ReplyDeleteSwan, dear Lady,
ReplyDeleteI have had several major surgeries, including a hysterectomy. I want to reassure you that a lot of the *down* you feel now (and for the next several weeks) is related to the anesthesia. All anesthesia gases in use today are central nervous system depressants. And they continue to have that effect until they work their way out of your system. It just flat takes time. That's part of the reason they don't want you to return to work too soon. Keeping well hydrated will help, but it still will take time. Please be gentle with yourself. You're doing just fine!
thank you, taylor. Thank you, lynlass, I'm sure you are right, but I want to go back to school and at least do something... This doing nothing at all business is driving me nuts. I'm just not good at hanging out.
ReplyDeleteswan