Paul commented on the last post: "I wonder at your state of mind."
It seems I have shown more of my "self" than I've believed. Those of you who read here regularly "read" what I don't even write...
The state of my mind, like the state of my body is shaken, weakened. I am not feeling strong, and that frightens me.
I am not finding it easy to define the way I am feeling these days. If I could put simple words to the sense of unsettledness and malaise, then I think it would be much simpler to address it. For me and for my family. As it is, I am finding myself not fitting with myself, and that is an "itchy" sort of feeling.
At the core of all of this is the question of who? I identify as "slave." It is not just something I do. It is who I am. What I am. I know that I am slave in the very depth of my being. Will be that as long as I draw breath. More than that I am His slave. The first is inherent. The last is gift and joy and honor. The one cannot be changed. The other could be wiped out in a breath.
I know, in my truest mind, that I've been difficult, fussy, hurt, self-absorbed, pissy, bitchy, bitter, angry, resentful, mistrustful, uncertain... A whole raft of ugly emotions these last weeks. Demanding that the promises made show up somehow, somewhere that I can see them. Give me some proof, that what everyone tells me is going to be an improvement in my life is not so much CRAP -- because I'm getting pretty damn tired of holding on to the hope that everyone wasn't just stringing me along with some sort of cruel joke. Mostly, Master has been patient and gentle with that insanity... Mostly. Insane slaves are just insane. What are you going to do? Beat them as you can and hope they get better quick.
I've gone to what I know. Identify. Wear my collar. Remember the things that remind me who I am. Serve as I can. Pour out my doubts as clearly as I can, and then try to really listen and believe Him when He tells me it will be better in time. Try and keep my mind quiet. Hold on. Read the things that calm me. Go deep inside to the times and practices that I know. Try and keep the voices that make me most crazy quiet.
I know I am not strong. I know how to be still, though. Sometimes, still can substitute for strong. If I can wait long enough, my strength will grow and I'll remember who I am again.
Ultimately, I know that I know how to hear the answers. I know I can do this. I know I don't have to be afraid. I know that I am doing the work of my slavery in these days, even if it looks shaky to me. I just have to keep on the path and not cut and run like the scared rabbit that I so feel like just now.
That is the "state of my mind," Paul.
swan
Dear swan, this sort of time, this state of mind is very hard.
ReplyDeleteYou are an intelligent woman swan, I am no expert on slaves or indeed woman.
It seems to me that in this case your mind is being influenced by your body and your glands.
You are like the ocean being mightily disturbed by a raging storm, try and realise it's only the surface of your mind that is being roiled, six foot down all is peaceful and still.
You are not a scared rabbit, nor are you all those names that you are calling yourself.
I'm sure Tom and T know this as well, indeed better than I.
Find the still deep centre of yourself where the true swan floats in serenity and peace.
Dear swan, you will get better, soon you will look back and wonder at yourself, I repeat, you will get better.
Love and hugs. :-)
Paul.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThought you might be interested – If you haven’t heard it from your Polly friends, that Dr Phil is doing a show on Polly Fidelity thin Thursday.
As for what you are going through… Welcome to the world! Bad things (Shit?) happens. I bet it’s happened to you a hundred times before. If you believe in a personal God, you will probably say that He/She lets me fall into this kind of pit to force me to take a close look at my values and GROW. If you don’t believe in a God, you can still believe in the pit. You WILL grow.
Jack
Things get better in time. As Paul said, find your center, deep within you and you will find your true self. And ducks, like swans, often look serene on the surface and paddle like hell below it to remain in control. Best thoughts your way! Ciao!
ReplyDeleteDearest Swan,
ReplyDeleteOver the last several years, the scientific community has come to realize that much of our emotional state is related to what is going on with our brain chemistry. You have just had a MAJOR assault on your brain's chemical state in the form of anesthesia. Some of the chemicals that do so well in putting you asleep bind to fatty tissue of which the brain has a lot. (There is really a grain of truth in calling someone a fat head!) The bad news is that it takes a while (months, not days) for the body to eliminate those chemicals. The good news is that once they're gone, most of your *issues* will go away as well. That doesn't mean that what you feel right now isn't *real*, it is real because your chemistry is f***ed up and will be better when it clears your system.
The other good news is that calm, peaceful meditation can help alter brain chemistry. So those who've been telling you to be gentle with yourself, to try and find your center are absolutely on the right track.
In the meantime, you're in my thoughts and prayers while you continue to recover.
PS: I work as a psychiatric nurse.
Thank goodness for laptops or I wouldn't have any contact with anyone since I got sick.
ReplyDeleteswan, precious, you are so damn hard on yourself. You know who and what you are. That, and him knowing as well, is all that matters. The rest is just fluff, illing, stuff. It all comes out in the wash.
As to the Dr Phil episode...*personal opinion* The episode is about a man who tires of his wife, takes a mistress and the wants to convince his wife he can have both and lable it poly. That to me is not at all the same as acouple making the decision to expand their relationships together. But then again, that is my opinion and worth less then the paper written on.
Take care swan, and quit being so damn hard on yourself. If he is pleased, and your choice was to please him - serve him, what else could possibly matter?
magdala~
Dear all -- I am not so glum as the words make it all sound. I am unsettled to be sure. Living through it though. Feeling the feelings and coping as best I can, and of course, writing about it here -- on and on and on ad nauseum. It is after all what this whole blog thing was about in the very beginning. Sorry gang.
ReplyDeleteI am most appreciative of the pep talks, the scientific and medical advice, the love and care, and the cheering from the sidelines. The doctor swears that the anemia is a big part of what is making me feel funky. Whatever! I'll get better. That IS what everyone keeps telling me.
In the meantime. I'm moving forward.
Thanks for being here still.
And, magdala, I generally figure that if it is Dr. Phil it is most likely B.S....
swan