Talking to "Normal" People

Sometimes I chat with people on the Loving More Chat site. Not often. I quite often find the place deadly quiet or else just plain dull, but sometimes I pop in there and find one or two interesting folks talking about something besides meeting up to get it on (it is after all a chat room for people into polyamory, however people define that)...

Last evening, I encountered a man there who seemed well educated and interesting. We started off talking about his "second career" endeavors into spiritual healing and the work of McFetridge. He told me about a book by this author called "Peak States of Consciousness" and detailed his studies in this field and his hopes to become a healer.

As we talked, a woman entered the room for just a few minutes. She was there just long enough to catch on to our conversation, engage just a little bit, and then pose a question of her own: "what did we know about hierarchy in poly relationships?" I told her I wasn't sure exactly how she was using the word and asked her to describe her own relationship so I could better understand what she meant. She replied that she was wife 2 and secondary; that wife number 1 was primary and also had the power to decide whether their husband would take on additional wives whether she liked it or not. At that point, she said she had been requested to go get food for the family and had to leave. The man I'd been chatting with told her it seemed to him that she was uncomfortable in her home, and she replied that that was true, and she was gone...

The two of us were left pondering for a moment, and I commented that it seemed the lady might be involved in some sort of power exchange relationship, and that she did not seem entirely at ease with it. He agreed, and said that, although he was always reluctant to encourage people to leave relationships, he felt that egalitarian relationships were the only kind that could be healthy.

I found his comment a bit extreme, and explained that I was in a power exchange relationship, and believed that it was indeed healthy and strong. We proceeded to discuss the nature of the relationship between Master and I, both in practical terms, and from my perspective of that life choice as "transformative."

I explained to him that our M/s relationship is founded on an acknowledgment and response by both of us of our inherent sexual/erotic orientations. I explained to him that I'd lived many years in what the society views as a "normal" sexual relationship, and that doing that required me to deny and suppress and hide my true nature and self in ways that were demeaning and damaging, that it is THIS relationship that allows me to express who I really am without hiding, deceit, or shame. I also described to him that, in my view, all relationships engage in power exchange (even those that seem very mundane). It is simply that we choose to handle our power exchange consciously and deliberately and with intent. This, I told him is about my "identity."

I also told him that M/s relies on openness and integrity and transparency. It eliminates the sort of game playing that is so often a common feature of relationships in the "normal" realm. Because all of who I am is given to my partner, I am obliged to give Him all of my responses, all my reactions, all of my feelings, needs, fears, desires. What He chooses to do about these things is His part of the equation. Mine is the giving.

I explained that part of the path for me is about remaining "humble." That submitting to the will of another is an exercise in remaining aware of who I am. The collar I wear, the services I provide, the choices I am given or not given are all ways of reminding me that I have given my control and my power to another, and done so willingly.

Finally, I tried to explain to him about being obedient. I told him that, whatever I do, the measure of my success or failure comes down to the question of "did I obey?" It is the keystone of our M/s relationship. The basic agreement is that He can command/ask/order, and I have only to obey as best I am able. Beyond that effort, I might not make a success of it, but the attempt to obey is my measurement criteria.

The fellow was fine (well, mostly fine) until we got to that obey thing. On that bit, I could tell he was really stuck. Could I give him examples? I talked about simple things like what I eat and the chores I do. He was unconvinced. His wife does these things as he would do for her, and any sensible adult eats a healthy diet. I stepped up a notch. He understood the SM -- weird but OK. So I spoke to the nature of our polyamory; that while it might be that Master would find a partner to play with and not necessarily seek my "approval," I most assuredly would not make a relational pairing without His permission and approval. It is the nature of our dynamic.

That really did it.

He was immediately, aggressively hostile. He declared that he understood exactly what was going on here: We are engaged in a parent-child model where I have chosen to stay locked in a child-like state of codependency. Master has assumed the parental role and is enabling me to remain pathologically dependent on Him for decisions that no healthy adult would allow another to make for them. We all develop at different rates, but when people reach an age and have still not achieved independent and mature developmental adult status on their own, it is time to seek out professional help...

Shazzam!!!

I thanked him very much for his diagnosis. He quickly apologized for offending me. I told him that I was not offended; that I'd met narrow-minded, frightened people who were unwilling to learn anything beyond what their pre-conceived assumptions told them before this. I explained to him that those of us who practice BDSM were removed from the list of "pathologies" years ago, and that I'd fought long and hard to find personal acceptance for my sexuality and my orientation -- too long and too hard to be crammed back into that box by an arrogant, self-proclaimed "healer" who was too ignorant to recognize a teacher when one appeared in his life.

Then I thanked him for his time, wished him a lovely evening, expressed good wishes for his future endeavors, and logged off.

I may be pathological and co-dependent and locked in a childish relationship, but I do know my manners. Blech!!!!

swan