Friday was my first post-operative check up. All the medical news is good. I'm healing well, according to the doctor. Most of the pain is gone, or barely noticeable. I've graduated to "normal" activities and my weight restrictions (in terms of what I can lift) have been raised to twenty pounds. I can now drive again as long as I don't relapse and need pain medications. Still no firm date as far as a return to work or a resumption of sexual intercourse until the next appointment on January 27th (if then -- we'll talk...). Still, on the face of it, the signs are all good. Inscrutable, Chinese Doctor Lady says that I'm a good healer.
I managed to take a walk around the neighborhood on Thursday. It's about a half a mile. I didn't go fast, but I thought I might die by the time I got home. Oh Dear. No stamina. Same with the effort required to shave my legs... someone call 911, please... This is just crazy. Friday, after the appointment, I needed to go into school because it was a "record day" -- this is a day when we take time to put grades on report cards. No kids. Just me and a computer, entering the few grades that have been gathered while I've been off since the first of the year, and attendance, and some comments, etc. I was there from about noon until about 3:00. And then I was wiped out for the rest of the evening and all the next day. Sigh. I'm a mess.
Oh. Yeah. The other BIG milestone. I've achieved orgasm. By myself, with my trusty vibrator, very carefully at first, and then with some increasing confidence as I've discovered my insides are not going to fall out. No danger of rupturing anything and not going to cause any nasty infections or anything. This should be good news. Except for one small detail -- the orgasms I'm managing are sad, pale, pallid, shadows. They lie there and squirm a little and then die away with a gasp as if expiring from some wasting disease. This is like being promised a wonderful Italian meal and then being served Franco American. It bears a faint resemblance, but is so far from the actual entity that it is supposed to represent that the mockery is almost painful.
I am trying not to cry. And not being very successful. I am looking down the long tunnel of the years and trying to comprehend what lies ahead. What I gave up to be free of the "terrorist uterus." I know that the need was to be free of a pathology that was causing debilitation. I know that, overall, I will be healthier without the terrorist. Healthier.
But, DAMN! I am NOT happy at what was lost. NOT HAPPY.
swan
Well, personal opinion, I have never been impressed with orgasms via a vibrator anyways. They are rather pallid to begin with and nothing like what they could be. I can't stand vibrators, they irritate me and I don't use them unless he insists. I'm a strange bird sometimes :D
ReplyDeleteYour body will begin to compensate for the lack of that muscle to contract and I am willing to bet, the end results will be even better than before. BUT, you need to give things time. Regardless of how restless and ready to go your mind is...in all things, walking, work, sex...you need to wait for your body to catch up with you. It's telling you it needs time. Listen to it.
I well remember them telling me I couldn't drive, lift etc after childbirth and thinking to myself that was silly...till I nearly passed out in the car while driving. With a baby in a carseat. I never did that again after childbirth. Enjoy your time off so to speak, take advantage of it, embrace it! Allow it to provide you with other distractions....new thoughts, new passions, new ideas.
So happy to hear the good news about the beginning of your recovery :)
magdala~
*hugs* I can imagine how you are feeling and I am so sorry. I have heard others say that orgasms will improve with time and healing...so don't think all is lost. I am thinking of you and sending lots of healing wishes...be kind to yourself sweet lady :)
ReplyDeleteTake heart dear swan, things will get better, honest.
ReplyDeleteI am also sending you healing.
Hugs.
Paul.
I am healing it is true. I know you all must be tired of hearing me whine. I'm sure that, as magdala says, I ought to find other interests and passions. Perhaps crochet would be good. Or crossword puzzles. For those whose patience has remained, you have my deep and enduring thanks. Believe me, I know that I am trying it at this point. I am trying my own patience at this stage -- not even wanting to be with myself, quite honestly. Sorry to be such a drag.
ReplyDeleteswan
The orgasms will return. Been there. Done that. What you experienced with the orgasm corresponds to what happened with your walk. Please, be patient with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm into preserving my mind (I've worked with Alzhiemer patients) so I do both crosswords and sudoku regularly. Actually I do Snoodoku which can be found at www.snood.com/ It's addictive. It's fun. It works out the reasoning part of the brain. Give it a try, they let you download and play a lot of games for free to see if you like it.
Hang in there, it really will get better.
Glad to hear you are medically sound. I know things will continue to improve for you!
ReplyDeleteSwan,
ReplyDeleteI'm a fairly new reader and have never posted. You have been dealing with this issue for at least as long as I have been a reader here.
This means that I don't know you as well as your established readers, but even in reading you "whine" as you say, I've come to care about you and the rest of your family enough that I feel compelled to write this note. You are not trying my patience, and that being so, I seriously doubt if you are trying the patience of those who have been reading your blog longer.
I haven't seen any sign in the comments that anyone is tired of hearing about it. Please know that you are not being a "drag", and that your friends (and even a stranger like me!) here are glad for the chance to lend support and virtual hugs.
So: Hugs,
Umbra
Thank you, Umbra, and welcome. I am trying my own patience -- and it does seem that some "regulars" who advise me to find other interests and passions, very well may be tired of listening to my pissing and moaning. Who can blame them, after all? People come hoping to read about M/s and BDSM and maybe even poly, and all they ever hear about is my "female troubles." It has to get old. I know it is getting old for me. I do appreciate your hugs. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteswan
Swan! Dear lady, you are so deeply cared for by those who come here, we ALL want you to feel better *because* we care. Not because we want you to stop what you call "whining" or any of that. Rubbish. We want to see you happy because you're a generous hearted, warm, loving human being who simply deserves the very best in life.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, come here to read ALL that you write (and Tom and T), not just the "good" stuff, or the kinky stuff, but about who you are, what you think, how you feel, what makes you YOU. You have it there in the header of your blog: LIFE, LOVE, and power exchange. Life isn't always about happy happy joy joy, love isn't always about kink. And it's the balance, the incorporation of ALL that you are, that makes reading whatever you have to say compelling.
You are held close to heart. *HUGS*
swan.....crochet? crosswords?
ReplyDelete:PPPPPPP to you! (in the most loving way possible)
I did not mean I was tired of hearing you talk about what is going on with you! I adore hearing what is going on in your life; good and bad, sickness and health.
I only meant that I hoped a window had opened since a door has closed for you right now and that perhaps that passionate mind of yours could find another outlet for it's creativity. Personally, I have enjoyed the increase in entries here as an example.
"Suck it up" is waaaaay different than "Allow new things into your mind" and not once did "suck it up" cross my mind!
Now that I have been a comment whore....maybe I should have just said,
I hate to see you hurting and want it to stop.
magdala~
I know, magdala. I know your words were well meant. It is just that I am so hurt, and not just physically. That actually is passing fairly well, and fairly quickly. I am hurt at a level, and in a way I never really expected. Deep inside my heart and mind. Where I live somewhere. And I am angry with no place to take that anger right now. Kicking holes in walls is so really counter-productive. I'll be fine at some point. Either this will get better over time, or I'll get used to "spaghetti-O's." Whichever. It may be that your kick in the butt is what I needed. I don't know. I don't know shit right now. I just want to pull the covers up and stay there. That's all. Not your fault. Really.
ReplyDeleteswan
If it helps, I would be kicking and screaming "It's not fair!!!" for weeks, months, years....you aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteI understand. I just hate to see you hurting (and I meant the inside hurt) and want it to go away for you.
If I may offer a suggestion that helped me at a point when I needed to release some of these same or similar feelings; go to your local Goodwill (whatever the thrift store is) buy a large quantity of dishes, any style, color etc. Just make sure you get enough of them. Then set yourself up somewhere and throw them. At a wall, into a can whatever. Scream, throw and break to your hearts content. Throw them hard and viciously. Throw them to break them and smash them to bits. Assuming of course your body has healed enough to do so.
If you cannot bring yourself to break dishes (although it really is wonderful) then buy a dozen cartons of eggs and do the same thing. It is quite as satisfying, but it helps.
magdala~
I, too, do not consider you to be whining. And my suggestion was merely along the lines of offering something that might distract you for a while. When I'm really in a bad space, something like the Snood games that take some concentration but also have silly faces helps the time disappear for a while. In the meantime, I also think the idea of breaking plates or eggs is great. I'm saving it for future reference.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts.
Lyn