Days of Learning

These have been a difficult couple of days. The reasons are not important. Suffice it to say that I've encountered some challenges to my submission that have left me shaken and feeling uncertain of myself.

Control issues are sometimes tricky things. I got hurt, and I reacted in a fashion that turned passive aggressive -- remaining outwardly polite and compliant, but becoming personally cold, and unavailable -- withdrawing emotionally. That response masked an inward turmoil as I weighed the reality that is slavery when it turns hard: the lack of options, the utter absence of outs or choices at the point when the "self" most desperately wants out. I've thought to run away, to try and disappear inside, to hurt myself, to do worse... I've battered myself against the bars of my mind until I've literally worn myself to a shred. I've talked myself round and round and round in the circles that go absolutely nowhere -- about choices and no choices, about what does and does not matter, about what I should and should not care about or focus on, about who does and does not get to control any of this, about feelings that amount to so much smoke on the wind, about being worthy of the name, "slave," about living up to what I say, about keeping my commitments and my word... Until I am completely, utterly, totally exhausted. And ashamed. And no closer than I was when I began. Broken. Lost.

He met my recalcitrance with anger. Called me on my foolishness. Dropped me to my knees. Challenged me to either live the truth of the slavery I claim or stop pretending. Refused to be swirled into my game. Heard my hurt, and left it squarely in my lap. Mine. Alone. I have so much still to learn, so far to go. So much still to give up if I am to ever "get" this. Nevermind what has already been accomplished, learned, given, paid. If this path demands more, then that will be required as well. Nothing behind me, and nothing ahead of me -- only this and nothing more. Slaves cannot expect anything. Learn.

Grow as you are meant to be. Like the vision that shapes the bonsai... No more battering against the boundaries. Roots will be trimmed close to keep the tree growing strong and healthy in the image that is seen in the mind of the One who sees the final product. There is no "away" and there is no "outside" and there is no "more."

Perhaps that is the lesson of these days. If I can lose the cage that my mind sees, I can maybe put down my roots and grow like the lovely bonsai. Whatever, I need to stop making excuses for these events that throw me into such a spin. He doesn't want to hear it. He wants my heart in full accord with Him. The rest is silly foolishness, and He'll have none of that. That much is clear.

swan