The Collar Post x2

Well, you have seen Swan's collar. Lovely, I might add. Tom asked me to post a picture of mine. I have a traditional collar .... well, traditional for us. A chain mail strand, simple, straight-forward...nothing fancy. I have a BDSM logo on a chain. It is so heavy it cause me neck pain, so I seldom wear that. I also have the Heron pendant that I ALWAYS wear. I also have the ring that Tom got both Swan and I when we decided to become a family. BUT this is my "collar".

When Tom and I first decided to become D/s, I was thinking a simple something. Not sure what we were going to end up with, but I wanted something that I could wear daily, in professional settings. Something that didn't scream "SHE LIKES TO GET BEATEN!!!". I have a spare hole in my left ear. I mentioned an earring and Tom told me to find something I liked. I went for a simple gold ring. He said "NOOOOO!!!". So he took me shopping and we went to a local, independent jeweler. Tom told him what we were looking for... something special, unusual, something that I would not see pass me on the street. When the jeweler learned that we wanted only 1 earring, he said "I have just the thing...". He went back into his shop and brought out this. He said he had not made the mate for it yet, and that if we wanted it, he would never make another. It is a simple 18k gold ring with 3 places on it that have a trio wrap of platinum.... little did we know at the time, that 3 was going to be a magical number for us!


I was collared to Tom in a simple ceremony before friends and then promptly whupped.


I NEVER remove my collar. It is more important to me that my engagement/wedding rings. When I have had medical procedures that require jewelry removal, Tom holds them all until I am in recovery. And I always ask for my collar back as soon as I am awake.


T

Two Wives (reprise)

We were preparing dinner last evening when T came through my patio door grinning from ear to ear. "He's a riot," she told me.



She and He had been talking as He grilled hamburgers for our dinner, and the conversation had turned to the subject of our upcoming anniversary. He and I have an "anniversary" of sorts that comes up in the first week of June. It marks the date of my arrival here in Cincinnati to live, after making the move from Colorado. As we finish next week, that date will roll around again to mark six years of my residence here, as part of the family.



As the conversation was repeated to me, T suggested to Himself, that it might be good to get a card for me for that date.



She told me that He looked at her with a look of shock on His face that she interpreted as, "I don't know where to buy a card!" She took pity on Him and asked Him if He wanted her to buy a card for Him to give me. Of course, He replied in the affirmative. Then, because my sister-heart can be a smart alek, she inquired whether He wanted her to buy a card for "their" anniversary (which will happen about 10 days later). He simply looked at her and told her, "No. sue has already got a card for you."


Years ago, as we prepared for His knee replacement surgery, a physical therapist that we were dealing with, got a sense of what our relational configuration is, and asked Him, "why would anyone want two wives?" We laughed about it at the time, but clearly, the answer is that with two wives, a guy never has to worry about buying wife gifts or cards. We take care of that for Him -- each of us buys the gifts and the cards and the flowers for the other one. And then we have Him sign the cards and give the gifts at the appropriate moment. Two wives can take care of each other, and He never needs to worry about it.



swan

Collar Question

Hermione asked this question in response to my post "Seasons of Slavery:"

I am just curious about the collar you mentioned above. Do you wear your collar to school? If so, is it hidden?

I know I've talked about the collar that I wear in other posts, but this is a direct question that I really probably haven't addressed previously.

I actually wear three different pieces of jewelry that speak to my status as "His." The first is the chain maille collar that He and T picked out for me at an Ohio Leather Fest event several years ago. It is, formally, the collar that we mean when we use the word "collar." It fastens with a simple "S" hook. I also wear a BDSM logo pendant and our Heron totem pendant together on a simple silver chain. The other piece is a striking ring that has 9 stones (a cross between a garnet and an amethyst -- I don't remember the name of the gemstone) in a chevron design on a plain gold band. It was a gift from Master and T just before we made the move to live together. T has one that is the exact match.

I do not wear the collar to school. It is too large to be effectively hidden, and too provacative to be worn at school without causing a stir. During the school week, I take the collar off in the morning when I shower, and put it back on in the afternoon when I arrive home. I wear it throughout the weekend, and during all the holiday times. Unless there is some event where the collar would be "awkward," I wear it at all times outside of the school day.

I do wear my BDSM/Heron pendants to school. Generally, I keep them hidden, but not always. They do not usually evoke much interest. And, I wear the ring. Those two pieces are reminders to me, through the course of the day, as to who I am and to whom I belong.

swan

New Status

On the last Sunday of each month, we join Master's father for a wonderful gourmet brunch served at the independent living center where he now resides. For $15.00 ($7.00 for Grandpa) each, there is more wonderful food than we can possibly eat: prime rib, stuffed flounder, grits, chicken cordon bleu, fresh fruit, corn pudding, shrimp cocktail, steamed crab legs, hash brown potatoes, wonderful green beans and sweet potatoes, a host of muffins, pancakes, and rolls, made to order omelettes, roast turkey, and a wealth of desserts --all washed down with champagne.

It is, for us, a time to sit and spend some relaxed and gently paced time with the ninety-year-old man who is parent to the wonderful Man that T and I love so dearly. For Grandpa, it is an opportunity to show off a bit -- "this is my family." Really, it is a lovely bit of time in our month.

With all of that said, I still find that I fuss about getting to this particular "thing." It is another one of those places that has come to feel awkward and oppressive to me as I assume that nebulous role in the context of the family. We would never, ever confront Grandpa with our particular living situation. He wouldn't understand, and knowing would distress him terribly.

So, at these things, as people encounter us, and enquire as to "who these people are with you, Grandpa?," I have learned to simply exit the conversation mentally. Whatever explanation that is given for my presence, I find it is simpler to allow my hearing issues to take me away from the situation and let those around me work out the details of "who I am."

It was that escape mechanism that caused me to miss the moment yesterday.

It happened that some of the other residents of the facility stopped by our table to chat, and asked the inevitable question about Dad's dining partners. He never missed a beat. He simply said, "This is my son, and my daughter-in-law, and my other daughter-in-law." Just like that, without question or fuss or upset, I have been taken in and made a part.

It is a thing that makes my heart glad, and moves me to tears. I haven't really paid too much attention to it just yet -- except to be amazed. It is so amazing that this very upright, very proper man, who has seemed so rigid, has come to give me this space. Somehow, that matters to me -- very much.

swan

Seasons of Slavery

Just a few days ago Kaya wrote about the issues and struggles that are associated with the transition from being a "full-time, stay-at-home slave" to a slave who works outside the home for some portion of the week. I've never had the luxury of that particular lifestyle option, but I can imagine that it is a complicated path to negotiate. Here's a severely edited version of some of what kaya wrote about it all:

I’ve ... recently returned to work after living as a full-time slave...it’s mostly a power thing...earning an income definitely puts me up there on an equal pedestal...getting my work clothes ready and organizing my stuff on Sunday evening ... flipped my slave switch to off ...working, there’s always a conflict between work and it’s associated activities...there just ain’t enough room for Master to receive priority... this job interferes in our lifestyle

That discussion has tipped me into the contemplation of the impending annual transition from working professional to "stay-at-home" summer slave. I understand that my cycling through the year, moving in and out of the workplace/home settings as the school year rounds, is not nearly the same thing as being at home knowing that "at home" is where you will be for as far into the future as anyone can see. I am and I will continue to be a slave who also has a career for as long as He finds that path to be a positive benefit to the household. I will continue to make the daily transition in and out of my collar as I leave and return from my teaching, and I will continue to make the transition from "worker" to "stay-at-home" slave as well.



We struggle through every school year. The imposed limits in terms of time and flexibility are always difficult and challenging for us. For each and all of the nine + months of the academic year, my energy and focus must be, to a very large degree, on the demands of my teaching work. Our M/s does not go away through those months, but it does get adjusted and shifted. That is a choice and a decision that we make, as adults, in full cognizance of the realities and practicalities of our life. The simple fact is that the salary (and benefits) that I bring into our household are important to our continued ability to live in the fashion that we prefer. There is the possibility of making other choices, and changing the way we live, but at present, this is the path we follow.



The other part of the story, for me, and for us, is that the summer break from school means that I drop back into the home-bound mode. It is a good and joyous thing for us because it gives us more time and more flexibility and more leeway to relate in ways that are very difficult during the school year. Still, I almost always go through a period of adjustment. My home days are slower. They are less "mine" and way more "His." I spend more time either alone or with Him, and I have very little contact with others outside the house. My focus narrows.



That is neither good nor bad. It just is. I know, from experience, that the change isn't usually something that is automatic or entirely smooth for me. It requires some energy and attention for me to get my mind and heart settled into the different routines of the summer months. If I'm paying attention, and working at it with awareness and intention, I am usually "there" within a very few days, and then we cruise along through the warm, summer days -- trying not to look ahead at the point on the calendar where I'll need to shift back into the other mode as September bears down on us.



So. OK. Not the fantasy, idyllic situation that I or we might be able to envision if this were a perfect world. I can muster up plenty of wishes that things be different, and a strong desire to just shuck all that "working for a living" nonsense and stay home to help Him get ready to go work each day, to cook good meals, and keep the house tidy, and make sure the laundry is handled, and maintain the flower beds, etc. Wishes are fine, but life is what it is. This might not be the most perfect manifestation of slavery imaginable. It is the life we have, and it is pretty darn wonderful. So, I'll continue to shift and accommodate to the ebb and flow of my days and weeks and months. I'll work to remember who and what I am and to make that true in my life. Whether I am padding around the house, or managing my classroom, it is what He wants from me, and I will keep doing it as best I can; mindful always, that what I do serves and honors Him.



swan

Why do you Submit?

Greenwoman asked this question in response to the "Safe Words" post:

Do you yield in those moments of resistance because of fear of pain/displeasure or because you choose it....feeling curious. I've not had a punishment dynamic in my relationships really. So I read and watch closely about it when reading other blogs. I'm curious how you feel about it.

It is an interesting query. I don't think that I really spend much time contemplating and analyzing the "whys" behind my submission. Mostly, I think, it is what I do because it is who I am, and who we are together. Still, there are more than enough times when I struggle or pout or rage (and the act of submission becomes more conscious and more difficult) that it seems worth considering WHY, and how, I submit in those instances.

Let me address the nature of the dynamic between us first. I really don't see that what we have is a "punishment dynamic." There is, as anyone who has been around here for awhile knows, the potential for real punishment to occur in our relationship should my choices make that a necessity. He has the authority to determine when and if there has been some behavior that needs correction. It is always a difficult and challenging occurance for me physically -- and for us both on an emotional level. It is also relatively rare, and not at all the foundation of our relationship.

The real ground of our relationship is in the consciously chosen and deliberately defined power exchange that we practice. He has ownership of me, and I have consented to and fully agreed to that state of affairs. That arrangement/agreement between us arises out of our very significant complementaty sexual/erotic orientations, and is supported and enriched by our love for one another. In practice, it means that there are patterns and expectations that require my submission in all sorts of things -- and it means that (for the most part) that submission is to be freely given, not dragged from me.

Neither of us are inclined to a power exchange that is created out of force or coercion -- that would fall into the realm of abuse (at least by our lights). I give. He does not have to force that, drag it out of me, or beat me to achieve or maintain it. Generally, that understanding of what we are about means that we proceed relatively peacefully, and without a lot of drama and battling.

But, I am far from perfect. I can be moody, resentful, angry, out of sorts, and just plain bent over the seeming unfairness of things sometimes. All of those tend to ratchet up the level of difficulty that I have in coming to the place of willing and reasonable submission. If it happens that I am "having a moment," and that coincides with Him deciding to play "Uber-sadist," it is much more difficult for me to find my way to the "yes, Sir" that is really the requirement and expectation. In those moments, I (usually) make choices about submitting that are born out of a whole jumble of internal monologs that I can run if needed. I talk to myself about being good, about keeping my promises, about being His, about loving Him, about just getting through this one -- and this one -- and this one, about not wanting the control, about the meaning of the collar I wear, about where the anger or resentment belongs, about knowing that I will not die no matter what I might feel like in the moment, etc. There is even a dangerous, and volatile set of scripts that I can drop into that run along the lines of "I hate this, I hate YOU (Him), and when I get lose I am going to fucking KILL You, You bastard!" I try not to go there. The potential for falling off the edge into the darkness is way too great. Still, sometimes letting the anger and misery flow is a good way to work it.

I guess, the real answer is that belonging to this Man makes me happy. I feel most secure and most at peace when the connection between us is strong and vibrant. For both of us, that strong bond is, to some large degree, formed in the intensity of our SM interactions. I need to submit, and He is the One who can elicit that response from me.

Conscious power-based relationship dynamics can take us to places we might not anticipate or predict. Surely, for me as a submissive, the dynamic requires that I be willing to go wherever He chooses to take me (and us). I am completely aware that His choices in that regard are made with love, but not always with a view to what might make me happy in the moment. I am still willing to go where He leads. That is a willingness born of love, of deep knowledge of one another, and of rock-solid trust. It has grown as we have come to know each other better. It is different today than it was in the early days. I expect it will become more defined and more sure and more mature as we go forward together. That is the nature of good, long-standing relationships. I am not always easy with it; I still struggle; I have days when I fuss and fume -- but more often than not, I am there, where He wants me, with my heartfelt assent to His commands.

swan

Safe Words

Morningstar wrote recently about the place of safe words, and the whole BDSM slogan of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual). Her ponderings on the topic were triggered (at least in part) by kaya's recent experiences and her discussion of the lack of safe words within her relationship.

As I have followed the conversation, I've been made aware (again) of the philosophy regarding "safety" and the practice regarding safe words in our relationship.

First with regard to the general issue of safety, all of us believe and that those who participate in the lifestyle should pay attention to issues of safety, and that individuals must be responsible for ensuring their own safety. When we encounter people who are first reaching out to others and meeting relative or TOTAL strangers for the purpose of engaging in BDSM, we encourage, and even harp upon the use of common safety procedures and practices -- like safe calls. We have served as the safe call on more than one occasion, and YES we have called the police when a pre-arranged safe call did not come as scheduled.


Safe words are another practice that engenders a great deal of discussion among lifestyle practitioners. There are surely commonly understood protocols and widely taught procedures around how safe words work. We know all the "accepted" safe word theories and practices. We don't follow the "rules."

For us, the use of safe words is very clearly defined. I am expected, and even required, to safe word -- IF there is anything happening that is unsafe. The definition is very clear. Unsafe would be some condition that would threaten my health or well-being. So, if I am having chest pains or trouble breathing, or serious unusual or unexplained numbness, or a loss of vision, -- I better be making that clear to Him immediately. He absolutely demands that in a situation where my actual "safety" is jeopardized, I have the obligation and requirement to make sure He knows about it.

In His view, and hence, in mine, the fact that something He is doing hurts, or that I am panicked, frightened, angry, resentful, or just not in the mood, do not constitute safety issues. Any move on my part to end or control a session under those circumstances, results in immediate and convincing corrective measures. I don't get to grab the control in that fashion. It simply is not allowed. Safe words are to ensure my safety. Period.

I believe that, if I were allowed to pull that sort of power grab, I very likely would -- at least sometimes. It is not all that uncomon for me to feel pushed beyond what would feel like MY limits in a session. If I were given the freedom to make the call, I'd most likely call it off, and so miss out on the chance to go the distance and find myself on the other side. That would be a pity.

In actual practice, I very seldom find myself in any distress that He doesn't already recognize. I can, and have, asked for His indulgence if I find myself dealing with circumstances that are not "life-threatening" but are causing me distress. So for example, since getting my "old, creaky" frame arranged as it needs to be is not as easy as it once was, He may slow down and wait while I arrange or rearrange. Sometimes, He will allow me extra time, or take a break while I work out a cramp. Those kinds of situations are not my call -- I may ask but I don't control the situation. He deals with whatever information I might give Him in those instances as He will.

I know that there are many who always play with safe words. We do play in public venues where there are accepted norms for how and what works as a safe word. For those who are "new" and "exploring" and possibly playing with multiple partners, it probably makes sense to have some sort of understanding about communicating things like "continue" and "stop" and "slow down" -- especially in cases where the power dynamic is still in the formative stage. It just isn't our way.

THIS IS NOT AN ECHO CHAMBER

I think one of the problematic dynamics we have in this vicinity of the Blogosphere is a tendency to react to Blogger and commenter opinions and experiences as either validations or detractions of our own experiences and perspectives. Too often when someone says this is how this feels to me now, or this is what we have just done, if that message describes something we see as consistent with our own practice then we feel somehow “validated.” If it does not match then some of us feel “disrespected.” This is, in my opinion, a function of how secure we feel in our lifestyle and practice.

This Blog and the community of expression it is part of, is not intended to be an echo chamber for a unified practice of the construct we call BDSM. The fact that we behave somewhat similarly at times to some others, and differently than still others, does not make us superior or inferior. Nor does that diversity of experience and perspective reflect on them. If each time we express a feeling or describe an incident we have to look out for the potentially vulnerable feelings of everyone else here, it is going to make reading and writing here awfully boring.

Do we take into consideration the potential impact on those who are relatively uninformed and who may look at our writing as a source of some sort of tutelage? I’d be disingenuous if I said we don’t do that. But do we see what we do here as a BDSM primer for beginners? HELL NO!

If we express our feelings and experiences and they are not the same as yours be proud of the contrast. We are proud of ours with yours as well as the similarities. They combined with everyone else’s are the fabric of our community.

All the best,

Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.

"The Dance"

The first time I heard Garth Brooks sing "The Dance", I was moved beyond belief. It was a rough time in my life. I was traveling all the time with my previous career path and had very little time for me. I was removed from a location (that I hated, btw) because one of the employees accused me of being "a Lesbian" and hitting on her. I was/did neither, but the management over me felt it was best to move me to another store. I was stunned and scared and feeling pretty lost. And as I was driving to my new home, this came on the radio...

THE DANCE

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

.....now granted, after seeing Garth do the video, it had NOTHING to do with what I was going through or the basket-case I was becoming, but it was everything as I was traveling from NY to VA.

There have been other moments in my life where I have had this song travel along with me. It always pops up at the least expected times. And dumps me into a teary-eyed mess. Losses of friends, being raped, being reborn within my BDSM life, finding Tom.

..."Yes, My life is better left to chance... I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss "The Dance""

To get to where I am. With my family, Tom and Swan, and everyone who loves me. I would have missed the pain of everything that came before, but then I would miss the life I have....let's call it "The Dance".

T

Would Like to Meet People -- But Not People Like You

We participate on a variety of lists and boards. Recently, someone in our area posted this (edited) message on a group list that serves our area:

I am rather new to this lifestyle and to be honest still a bit overwhelmed... My partner of 7 years recently opened up our relationship...we both agree that until I have a mutual friend the imbalance was just a bit uncomfortable...I guess what I want to know is if there are any like minded ppl in Cincinnati?

So I responded --

Hello ...I'm not clear exactly what it is you are looking for. Friendship could be a possibility. If you want to check us out, our Blog is a good place to start...

And Master augmented the invitation like this:

As my swan responded with this offer of support she failed to mention that yes, we are in Cincinnati ...So we are in your area. I hope we can be helpful as you process through this.

The guy went and checked out the Blog, and today we have an email that says: I went to your blog site and no offense meant but your side of the fence does not appeal to me or my partner in the slightest. I feel quite certain that we are looking for more mainstream relations and not the BDSM. I am thinking at this point I am just going to continue posting on thesite and see how things progress from there.

Wants to meet like minded people; just not like minded people like us. Makes me want to grab this person by the shirt front and ask, "People like us? What sort of people do you think we are? Yes, we practice BDSM, but we are hardly one dimensionally "into" BDSM, and I don't believe that our Blog reflects that. We have mainstream careers, and vanilla friends, and community interests, and families, and a host of everyday, ordinary, human things that we engage in and talk about. Refusing to have anything to do with us, simply because ONE of the facets of our life is BDSM is exactly comparable to refusing to have anything to do with us because we are liberals, or because we are older, or because we question much of the mainstream religious tradition that is common in this society (and maybe those things are as much an issue for this guy as the BDSM). Actually, WE never ever mentioned the BDSM side of things -- never made it a prerequisite or an issue. I think, that people who take a chance on us, find us interesting and engaging and hospitable.

But then, as I think about it, if this character DOES operate at such a myopic interpersonal level, it may just be that we don't want to meet people like HIM.

Blech!

swan

Counting Get Ups

Many, many years ago, while I was still teaching in Colorado, it was the practice for the teaching staff to rotate through "morning duty." Morning duty consisted of watching over the children as they gathered outside of the school before the bell rang and the day officially began. Mostly it amounted to making sure that no one got hurt or kidnapped.

I am not a morning person. I never have been. So, for me, morning duty was challenging as I would try to wake up and simply cope with a whole lot of random, bouncy kid energy.

One morning, in May, I was standing out, doing my duty, when a bright-eyed, energetic little first-grade girl came bounding up to me to declare, "Mrs. D, there are only 16 more get ups!" I knew this little one. She had two older sisters, and had been around the school since she was an infant. She had the sort of confident air that children get when they are extremely comfortable in a particular setting.

Hearing her exuberant joy about 16 get-ups, I peered down at her, and said, "Really? And what are get-ups, Katie?"

She proceeded to explain to me that she hated to get up in the morning. She was quite sure that getting up and getting dressed was the worst part of the day. In her view, once she was up and dressed, the worst of it was over with, and the rest of the day was no problem. Therefore, as the school year came to a close, Katie was counting "get-ups."

Well. Out of the mouth of babes. I am with Katie. Like her, I believe that getting up is the worst of it all. Once I'm up and dressed, the rest of the day feels way more manageable.

So, as the school year draws, once again, toward its end. I am remembering Katie, who by now must be in high school, and am counting get-ups. So, in case you are wondering, there are 13.

swan

BDSM -- Its's not what you think

Master sent me this link to the movie trailer for a newly released documentary film about BDSM.

The press on it is as follows:

Just in time for Pre-Pride event. Break out the Red Carpet for this Movie Premier in San Francisco, CA: "BDSM: It's Not What You Think! kinksters confront stigma and stereotype" is finally having it's premiere screening at the Frameline International Film Festival!
A film by Erin Palmquist, Brad Vanderbuilt, Wade Keye, and R. Trent Walton.
The film features Bay Area Educators: Ms. Heart, Domina Selina Raven, Jorge Vieto, Sybil Holiday, Nova & Atticus, Master Hines and Mrs.Hines, Janet Hardy, Lord Falcon, and Robert Black.
Premier Screening: Friday night June 20th, 2008 at the Roxie Theater 16th Street & Valencia Sts. San Francisco, CA 94110 (Mission District).

We've looked at the trailer. This appears to be a very well done film that handles the subject with sensitivity, knowledge, and a matter of fact approach that helps to eliminate the sensational and lurid aura that the mainstream media so often loads into depictions of the lifestyle. Finally, a movie about us that destigmatizes our sexual orientation.

Clearly, here in the "heartland," it may be awhile before this comes to a theater near us. Still, we'll be watching for it. Spread the word, near and far. Let's get behind this and support the work of these educators, activists, and film artists in bringing our story to the screen.

There's a Blog dedicated to the movie as well. Check it out and add your voice.

swan

The "Shape" that He Desires

There is art to deep power exchange. Like a sculptor, a Master works to mold and shape a slave into the form that He can see in His mind. That shaping occurs in a variety of ways, but it does occur. The root experience of consensual slavery may be change.


The behavior changes. The voice changes. The mindset changes. The temperament changes. The focus changes. The physical being may change as well.


Some of this "shaping" occurs naturally and simply as the power dynamic begins to create new experiences and the expectations become known and practiced. Other changes may be more challenging or difficult, and so require active interventions to cause the shift.




I remember that, in the beginning of our relationship, there were times when Master would decide that I needed "reprogramming." Generally that occured when I'd get myself caught up in an internal (mental) monologue that caused me to begin to be self-denigrating or to lose my sense of trust in Him and in our relationship. I'd get entirely wound up with a litany of "I'm too old, too difficult, too tall, not masochistic enough, not good enough, OR I'd begin to believe that He wanted someone else, was tired of me, bored with me, frustrated with me ... Either of those sets of self-talk, would cause Him to intervene as soon as He became aware of them. Generally, I'd find myself strapped down, crying, begging, raging, pleading, promising anything -- ANYTHING. Reprogramming was never a "gentle" thing.




I am well aware that you really can't beat someone into believing they are good or attractive or sexy or accomplished or whatever. On the other hand, I do believe that it is possible to aggressively address self-defeating and negative thinking patterns, and that this may be exactly what a Master does at various points in the process of shaping His "property." I have come to believe that a slave comes to reflect what her Master sees. Sometimes that vision is made clear in words and instructions and requests. At other times, the clarity comes in much more sensory intensive ways.

swan

The Place of Punishment

The topic of punishment in power exchange relationships comes up every so often, and leaves me shaking my head almost every single time.

It's not that I don't understand the concept. I do. I'm no saint, and there have been times (relatively few) when He has undertaken to seriously punish me for some infraction or out and out bit of bad behavior. Every single one of those events has been purely awful -- not something that I ever plan to repeat.

Which is not to say that I don't have "discipline" in my life. That, to me implies that there are routines, expectations, patterns that are put in place, and which I follow because they serve to create growth and a sense of peace and purpose. Discipline is something which, in my view, fills an important role in the lives of most accomplished and aware adults, regardless of the "kink" side of their natures.

So it is really the idea of "punishment" that causes me to wonder about people who do it ALL THE TIME, over and over and over again, as the daily meat and potatoes of their relationship. Perhaps I am too literal about this, but it seems to me that punishment would be meted out for failure to perform in expected (or agreed upon) ways, or for simply behaving inappropriately. The thing I don't understand is this: if the expectations are clear, and the rules are understood, what is it that makes continual and repeated punishment necessary. Meet the expectations and follow the rules. Competent, ethical adults can do that. Done. No need for repeated punishment.

So. When I hear or read that someone is getting punished over and over again, multiple times a week, I make a guess about the dynamic. I posit that there is some manipulation occuring that creates a "punishment" scenario. Perhaps "punishment" is the only model that makes it seem "OK" to spank, or play sadomasochistically. Maybe the people involved are really into disciplinary style SM, and their "thing" requires some imagined or trumped up infraction in order to FEEL authentic, possibly there are a dozen other kinds of mind games that are at work to create the belief that punishment must be part of the regular routine in a power-based relationship. Whatever. It is all fine with me.

I just wish that I could hear the identifying words that would make it make more sense to me. Because I know -- KNOW -- that absent some sort of cognitive disability, there is no earthly reason for people to be getting really punished for real misbehavior on any kind of regular or frequent basis. It makes me crazy. I want to grab people by the collar and shake them and say, "grow up and behave!" But that's just me -- crotchety old woman that I've gotten to be.

swan

Polyamory Observations #10

In the last couple of weeks, there have been a couple of pieces that I've stumbled across that have, in one form or another, asked about the combination of "power exchange dynamics" and polyamory in relationships. Specifically, there has been some delineation of a perceived variance in philosophy between what I would call "vanilla" polyamory and polyamory that is linked to a power exchange relational dynamic.

I think it is a conversation that creates discomfort and, potentially, disagreement between people who practice polyamory. I believe that there is a distinct difference in perspective between those whose "alternative lifestyle" IS polyamory, and those who are into the multi-leveled alternative living choices of D/s or M/s power exchange linked to polyamorous relationship formation.

It is a variance that is deeply rooted in how one sees the world.

"Vanilla" poly people place huge emphasis on equality and fairness. The ground level understanding between polyamorous partners in these relationships is that everyone has the same rights, the same opportunities, the same freedoms. Polyamory, as it is practiced in the absence of "kink," is about making sure that all parties feel listened to, heard, honored, and empowered to make the choices, with regard to their relationships, that will make them happy. It is my understanding that most people who practice polyamory, in this form, are focused on the polyamory itself -- polyamory is a philosophy and a relational style that people embrace, and then that way of thinking defines the relationships that they create.

Within the BDSM community, polyamory works differently. To begin with, there is an understanding, in power exchange relationships, that things are NOT equal. People who enter into D/s or M/s relationships negotiate and deliberately define unequal opportunities and power structures. That things might not be fair or balanced in a variety of life arenas, is simply the foundational assumption in these relationships. Polyamory, as a lifestyle choice, sometimes becomes a structural add on to power exchange relationships. People involved in D/s and M/s often experience the multiplicity of partners in response to shifts and currents within the defined power structure. Often, polyamorous relating is driven by or limited by the needs and demands of the "controlling" partner. That changes the fundamental nature of the practice.

So, while in "vanilla" poly groupings, it may be that everyone links up in any number of combinations, all driven by individual preference and volition, that does not generally occur on the power exchange side of things.

I would point to our household because it serves as an example of the power exchange/polyamory dynamic with which I am most familiar. In our family, He is the Master. I am the slave. That means something very specific. It means that He defines the way our family will operate -- at every level, and in every respect. He, within that framework, has significantly more leeway to choose His own path, and to make His own choices and decisions. Forming other relationships is, in theory at least, going to be easier and more straightforward for Him. If He comes to believe that there is another relationship that He wants to enter into, He can do that and expect that "we" will facilitate that in whatever ways that are required. That doesn't mean that there is no potential for creating "other" attachments for either T or I. It simply is more complex, requiring the negotiation of the power dynamic along with the other logistics of beginning a new relationship.

It seems to me that there is a tendency to distrust and judge each other when we come to this conversation. Perhaps it is a perspective issue for me. I just find that (with the exception of a very few good friends) many "vanilla" poly people do not approve of what it is we do. It is not uncommon to find discussion fora and chat settings where the introduction of power exchange issues into the poly conversation brings on some level of negative feedback. I find that unfortunate. If we cannot reach across this small divide to see one another as companions rather than foes, I don't see much hope for us ever moving the "outside" world to a point of including our choices in the larger social order.

swan

Curious about Stats...

We track stats here on the Blog. Between this Blog, and its predecessor, The Swan's Heart, we've put up 628 posts (counting this one), and attracted almost 241,500 hits. We don't really fuss about those numbers much, but we do check pretty regularly about how many visitors we have day-to-day, what they look for, and where they come from. The stats don't drive what we put here, and we are, as often as not, bemused by what causes our numbers to rise and fall. It very often doesn't make a whole lot of sense.


There are some statistics however, that do just fascinate us. When we look at the cities that visitors come to us from, we can often identify the locales of our "friends" and "acquaintances" around the country and around the world. It is great to know that our Blog "home" is a place where people feel comfortable enough to return again and again, and spend time. There are a few people though, who are such regular visitors that we come to feel like we ought to know who they are... We say, ahh there's "Westminster" or "Riverton" or "Massena." Those are places in the world where we have history. Those people come here almost every single day; regular as the sunrise, but apart from our recognition of the places, we don't have any sense of the people behind those statistics. It is really hard to not wonder -- is that somebody that we might know? Someone who might be a friend, or who might know my family? Why don't they ever stick their heads up and leave a comment -- just say, "hi?" Or, if they are reluctant to show up right out here in person, on the Blog, why don't they drop us an email? That would be wonderful, as well.

So here it is, the official HeronClan invitation/plea -- if you are one of these folks, we'd sure like to "meet" you and finally say, "hello."

Massena
New York

Westminster

Colorado

Denver
Colorado

Riverton

Wyoming

Actually, come to think of it, if you visit here, and don't ever comment, today would be a wonderful time to let us know who you are. We can see your tracks. It would be great to have some sense of who is visiting.

swan

You Can't Do That Either!

The debate that goes on in this country about the nature of marriage, and who may and may not participate in that institution, and the benefits it confers, has just notched another milepost.

The state of Michigan (near neighbor to us Ohioans) has an elected supreme court which has just handed down a ruling that finds that state institutions are banned from allowing or paying "domestic partner benefits" based on a 2004 amendment (passed by voters) that defines marriage as being between one man and one woman.

As I understand the chain of events, those who were the primary advocates for the marriage amendment in Michigan campaigned for it by insisting that it would have no impact on domestic partnership benefits -- it was only about protecting the institution of marriage. People could still create mechanisms to assure that their "non-marital" life partners could share in their benefits, have a say in medical decision making related to them, inherit, etc. That was the story that was told, and seemingly enough people bought it that the restrictive statute was passed by the majority of Michigan voters. Then, the very NEXT day after the ballot measure passed, the group that advocated for the marriage amendment filed suit to ban the extension of state paid benefits to domestic partners.

Sigh. You know, I don't want to damage or limit anyone's ability to marry, or to live and benefit within that relational dynamic. I understand that there will likely never be laws that would grant me and mine entree to the state of marriage (or even something that looks similar). We violate the "numerocity" requirement for marriage -- that one and one business. Heck, even the GLBT community won't go to bat for those of us who don't adhere to the "marriage is for two" convention. Wouldn't want to give credence to the argument that "if you start stretching the definition of marriage, soon you will have groups of three and four and more wanting to marry -- and then where will the country end up?" However, we've always believed that we might be able to create legal and financial structures that would provide for us most of the benefits of the social institution of marriage. We've thought that we could protect our property and define who would be able to make decisions for each of us in the event of a serious illness by creating legal partnerships and writing wills. In truth, we've believed that our love was adequate and did not need the state to endorse it or define it -- if we could protect ourselves and our family legally.

Now, with this ruling, it appears that we may not be able to achieve those objectives in the long run. It appears that, at least in some parts of this country, we can't be married, and we can't even create structures that might act in ways that are similar to a marriage. The Michigan Supreme Court has made it clear: You can't do that (if "that" is marriage), and you can't do anything that even remotely looks like "that" either.

How disheartening.

swan

Long Story That has been Told Before

I've told parts of my story, or "history," here on the Blog, but I've always been careful to sanitize and soften the parts that related directly to my relationship with my ex-husband. However, not providing that part of the saga leaves real holes, so I'm going to try and give a fuller picture. I've written this, in a slightly different form for a correspondent who has a story similar to mine in some respects. What I've realized as I've done that, is that leaving the blank places in my history creates a skewed perception that may set people up for unreasonable or untenable expectations. So, for the first time ever, here is the story with all the gory details:

I met TJ while we were both students at the Colorado School of Mines. I was studying geologic engineering. He was two years ahead of me, and failing a course of study in mining engineering. He left the school as I began my sophomore year, and went to work in the oil and gas industry (without ever graduating). I finished that school year, and then quit and followed him. I was "in love" with him, and not "in love" with my studies. I was very, very young.

When I met him, I was a virgin - very naïve about men and sex and romance in general. I'd been a very intense, reasonably bright student, but never the life of the party, and I just didn't have much experience. He was my first sexual partner (and for 28 years, my only sexual partner). I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 19 - several months ahead of our marriage. By the time I was 23, I had two babies and a growing understanding of the trap I'd fallen into…

I really didn't understand, at that time, who I was - or what I would eventually come to "need" for my own sexual/erotic fulfillment. I knew I had fantasies about being controlled, and I knew that I'd used pain to "augment" my masturbatory experiences, but I'd never shared that with anyone, and was really terribly embarrassed about it all. Once I was married, and fully awake sexually, that side of my nature began to roar to life, and plague my imaginings and longings. My husband found it all quite appalling and mostly refused to have anything to do with it. When, upon occasion, he would try to humor me, it always went badly and I'd end up feeling dirty and ashamed.

All through the years of our marriage, I struggled to maintain our household and our family because the man I married was pretty sincerely incompetent. Not "bad," just not very capable. He seldom held a job for very long. He continually got himself into difficulties at work - often by being verbally or physically inappropriate with female co-workers. He could be charming in public settings, but was also capable of being socially mal-adept. I was forever in the position of explaining to strangers that he was really a good guy, just a little "strange." As a parent, he was hopeless. He'd crater at the least pressure, and let our children walk all over him. I usually ended up being the "bad parent" in the kids' eyes, because he would simply never discipline them if it was going to result in their being unhappy. Through nearly all of our married life, I earned significantly more than he ever did - and I was the one that paid to finally put him through college to earn his teaching certificate.

I held the control in our family because I knew that turning it over to him would be disastrous. Through it all, he continually lied to me about just about everything. He would lie about the simplest and silliest things - what he had for lunch, what he might be reading, etc. I spent huge amounts of time trying to sort out what was true and what was false in any conversation that he and I had. Frequently, he would convince me that I was the one that was "crazy."

I stayed in that marriage for 28 years. I worked and I raised my children, and I tried desperately to live up to the requirements of my marriage vows.

Shortly after we divorced, Master identified a disorder that is on the spectrum with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It is called Alcohol Related Neurological Disorder (ARND), and arises from the mother using alcohol at a particular point in the early part of the pregnancy. It is our belief that my former husband exhibits all the characteristic behaviors and deficits of ARND. Knowing the name of his problems didn't change anything about our history, but it did give me some context for the struggles I'd faced with him.

I found DD about two and one half years before I came to be with Master and T. I'd put "spanking" into an Internet search and come upon several domestic discipline sites. I was amazed and relieved to discover that there were other people like me. I, timidly, showed what I'd found to my spouse, and he agreed to try it with me. Somehow, DD was more acceptable to him than plain old, garden variety BDSM. He made some attempts at being "in charge," but I struggled to keep him there, and was continually balancing between "giving" him control, and trying to keep us both on the path. He invested very little in the whole business. I wrote a whole lot on a couple of listserves during those years…first on 1Household Discipline, and then on 1Domestic Discipline. I go back and look at some of my writing from that time (I was "simandtue" on the list), and I can see how desperate I was to have him take the part of the Dominant. I was so needy in my own self, that I really never contemplated whether any of it made sense for him. Honestly, I was "starving" for what I'd wanted so long, and I really didn't care that it didn't fit for him.

The truth is that he wasn't a dominant person; didn't have drives in that direction; wasn't interested in it or motivated to do it. He was able to learn some of the technical skills, but simply never had the personality to pull it off. I understand now, much better than I did then, that my demanding that from him was unfair and exploitative.

Very early on, while I was "learning" and trying to figure out how it all fit into my world, I signed up on a list and chat site for submissive women. It was called "Submissive Women Speak," and was owned by Jon Jacobs. Jon has been dead several years now. He was a serious character and not universally loved in the BDSM community. He had strong views and he wasn't afraid to voice them. I didn't last very long in his realm, because I was just too mouthy and too opinionated to qualify as a good submissive in his view, but I did learn from him before he kicked me out of the place. One time, in a chat room with him, I was describing my life, my marriage, and my relationship. He was very blunt with me: "You are a submissive woman. Your husband is not a dominant. You need a dominant. One day, a dominant man will find you and claim you, and you will leave your husband and go with Him."I was appalled and furious. I was sure I would never leave my husband, and I was equally sure that no Dominant worth the name would ever "claim" property that belonged to someone else. I was all full of "shoulds" and "oughts" and "rights" and "wrongs." I stayed angry with Jon Jacobs, figuring him to be an arrogant know-it-all, for a really long time. It is only in retrospect that I can see how very right he was with regard to me. Clearly, when Master (who really truly IS Dominant), found me, the whole discussion became academic. There was a steady move into the place where I would become His, and my status as "linked to" someone else never really did change the course of all of that(although He worked really hard at making sure that the dissolution of my marriage was my decision, based on the realities of the relationship, and not about He and I).

Sometimes people tell me that I am "lucky" and "brave." I think there is some truth to those two labels. But I think the whole notion that this kind of life is only possible if you have great good luck, or great courage is misleading. I am very lucky to have a life that matches my dreams, and fits with who I am. But, I chose to act in ways that "made" that luck. I chose to reach out, find others who could help me and guide me and lead me along the path. I chose to move when the relationship I had was not exactly a match for the goals and longings I was pursuing. I chose to figure out who I was and what I wanted and needed, and then I chose to act on that knowledge.

Perhaps it is that choice to act; to do something with the awareness that I had, that seems like bravery to most people. After all, acting on my visions meant that I left my home (in a lovely place), my job, my children, my mother, my community of friends - everything that had meant anything in my life, and moved across the country to be part of the household and family of someone that I'd met online, chatted with some, played with a very little bit, and visited with a comparatively few times. I am quite sure that if my friends and family would have known what I was up to, they would have been convinced that I'd lost my mind. Probably, by most measures, they would be judged to be correct.

Along with all of my volition in making this happen was one simple imperative. Master gave a very direct command, "Come to me." It was not stated as a request or a dream or an imagined possibility that would be "nice." He, as the Dominant man that He is, wanted me, and made it clear to me that I would obey His direction.

I've never regretted those choices. I've been sad sometimes, but I've never believed that I made the wrong decision FOR ME.

So, that's the history. We (the husband and I) got here to live with Master and T, and within 4 or 5 months, it was clear that there were real irretrievable issues in my marriage. Things that I'd never really been able to make sense of were much clearer, and much ickier looking, once there were three of us to cross-check and verify his lies and silly games. It took another year and a half for me to bring the divorce to a conclusion - and then he was gone, no longer an issue.

Right from the first, Master and I were bonded in a way that I'd never experienced. I arrived here in June, and in the latter part of July, He was cutting His initials into my back. I know that I never really fully contemplated the seriousness of that particular event, but I have grown to revere and love that cutting and the reminders of it in my world. It was the first, and remains the most obvious, mark of my absolute devotion to Him - my desire to grow in my submission with Him as my guide. Step by step, I learned what it was to submit - not in the highly charged, steamy sort of way that is the stuff of the pornographic literature field, but in a thousand small ways, in the details, in the sound of my voice, in my simple being here, waiting, attending, and serving. Of course, we spanked. A lot. At intense levels that I can't even get close to anymore. I learned how to take a spanking from Him in precisely the way He wanted me to do it. Sometimes I was confident of my abilities, other times, I was shaky, and uncertain, and bitter, and resentful. Through it all, I remembered that I was traveling a path, and that I didn't need to be perfect, I only needed to figure out what I was up to, and then act to implement that in my life.

There are scary parts to changing your whole life, but then it is my belief that there is really no place in the lifestyle for "weenies." The prerequisite skill is the ability to see the direction you want to go and then move there, preferably without too much whining or fussing.

I do think that submission is an "art" in some sense. It requires a desire and a particular "personality," but there is a definite component that is simply about choice and practice. I do not believe that a person can submit, and engage in "talk" that follows the pattern of, "I'm submissive, but I can't submit because … fill in the blank: He's too inconsistent, he's too demanding, he's unreasonable, he's unfair, things aren't equal, I don't like what he likes, it is too scary, it is too hard, it isn't fun, etc. The beginning, middle, and end is in the relinquishment of control. If a person claims the label of submissive, then it is ALL (and always) about giving up the control. It is, therefore, imperative that a submissive person seek a Dominant partner with the skill, inclination, and integrity to be entrusted with that control. Knowing who you are giving control to, and believing in them at the depths of your being, is absolutely essential.

That is my story. Others follow different paths, but I honestly believe the decision points (isolated from the details) look very much alike. Perhaps the sharing of the journey is the most important gift we can give to one another.

swan

Desire

I was driving home from school on Friday afternoon and listening to the Michelangelo Signorile Show on Sirius OutQ. He was interviewing the director (Lucia Puenzo) of a movie titled XXY -- the story of a 15 year old named Alex who was born intersexed (with both male and female genitalia). The movie was made in Argentina, I believe, and is in Spanish with English subtitles. I was fascinated with the conversation.



At one point in the interview, Puenzo observed that the movie, aside from all the political, sexual, gender identity, gender equality, interpersonal questions it raises, is really about desire. Perhaps it was her accent, but she said the word with such depth and warmth, that I was instantly captured. I have not been able to stop rolling it around in my head since. I am certain that it is desire that is the strongest and deepest root of successful power exchange. It is the soil in which it grows, the water that sustains it, the air that gives it life, the light that fuels it, the myriad nutrients that feed it and cause it to grow and blossom.



I hadn't really ever contemplated my "desire" before. I've considered my fantasies, my dreams, my wants and needs, my urges, my nature... I've never, ever labeled all of that as "desire." We use the word, "desire" in such a prosaic and lack-lustre sense. When I go to look up definitions for it, there is no fire and no juice to them. So, the MSN Encarta online dictionary give this:


Desire --
1. wish for something: to want something very strongly
2. find somebody sexually attractive: to want to have sexual relations with somebody
3. request something: to wish for and request something ( formal )



That isn't the way the word FEELS to me. Desire feels hot, sultry, wanton, insatiable. What I desire from Him in our relationship is overpowering. I will go where I would not choose to go, simply because my desires make me long for His touch -- soft and gentle, but also, often, harsh and incredibly painful. I would get lost in Him. Gladly. Irretrievably. Forever.



It might look like "lust" or "horniness" or "hunger," but it is larger than any of those. The fire that is "desire" is awesomely bright and brilliant and devastating. I very much like the word.



Through our very busy weekend, I could feel the place where the word had opened my heart and my body up to be ready for Him whenever we could get there. Ready. Eager. Desirous. That is a sensation that has been lost to me. For awhile. I am glad to have it back. And glad to have language for the way it feels.

swan

His Time

Have we discussed "TIME" here ever? I don't remember, and I can't find anything that I've ever written on the subject. That's sort of interesting to me, because if there is one major part of my life that has changed because I am His, it is the way I deal with, and react to the issue of "punctuality."



My father, whom I adored, was a man that had a "thing" for being on time. Our family never arrived late for anything. We always left home plenty early to get wherever we were going with time to spare. Even when we vacationed, we left in the early morning, and kept to a rigid schedule. Being on time was a virtue when I was growing up.



Master deals with time from a rather different perspective. He is inclined to believe that being driven by the clock, and obsessing about needing to be "on time" is the mark of a "peon." Since He does not see Himself as falling into that category, He is, as a general rule, entirely unconcerned about the business of being punctual. In fact, the surest way to slow down preparations for departing in a timely fashion for anywhere, is to give Him the sense that I am fussing about the time.

We seldom arrive anywhere on time. In the beginning, it made me absolutely insane. I'd get nervous and fidgety and irritable and eventually enraged -- all of which just made Him move more and more slowly --find more and different ways to procrastinate and dawdle.


He's worked His "Master" magic on me, though. I've come to understand that, when I am going someplace with Him, we go on His time. I do what I can to facilitate our departure and I am always aware of what would constitute a timely arrival (in my estimation), but I've given up the need to make us be "on time."

I've learned that I don't control our time -- don't need to control it. That we will go as we do, and arrive as we will and that will be alright.

So, nowadays, rather than obsessing about how late we are -- or how late we are likely to be, I focus on making sure that we have "enough" time to get ready. I work to make sure that He has what He needs where and when He needs it. I stand ready to hold a shirt, or fetch the appropriate tie, or fix His hair. I gather and organize all the various parts and pieces that He needs and wants -- knives, sun glasses, beverages, computer, planner, coat, etc. I load the car, and pack the lunch, and stand nearby in case I am needed. I work really hard at not seeming nervous or fussy. I may nudge just the tiniest little bit, and very, very subtley -- but I do not push (never a good idea to PUSH a Dominant) and I do not fume and I do not do anything that looks imperious or demanding.

We leave, when we leave, because He has come to be ready -- and then we go wherever we go on His time.

swan

Master's Parts -- Possibly TMI

The World's Most Expensive Dentist says that Master has a bite that is way stronger than any human he has ever seen -- powerful jaws! One of the dental health issues that we deal with is that He grinds His teeth in His sleep. It is called "bruxism." The grinding is so intense that it wears the surface of the tooth away, and has even resulted in breakage of some of His teeth. It is a problem that He has had since boyhood, and many dentists have tried and failed to mitigate the problem with a variety of mouth guards and dental appliances designed to stop the grinding and protect the teeth. He simply chews through them all -- often in a matter of weeks.

So, The World's Most Expensive Dentist fitted Him with a special, supposedly "indestructible" mouth guard to wear at night. That indestructible part is just plain bullshit, but the idea is probably a good one nonetheless. The problem seems to be that there is no material He cannot chew through. But that isn't really the point of this story.

He wears His mouth guard to bed. It makes Him talk "funny." Last night, after I'd finally convinced Him that it was, indeed, bedtime; after all the preparations were completed; after the mouth guard was in place, He turned to me and said --

"My ballths itthcheths. You could sthcrachth them for me..."

Have you ever tried to scratch someone's balls while laughing hysterically? I got caught up in such a paroxysm of laughter over Master's "itcthhy ballths" that there were tears rolling down my face and I could barely catch my breath. And the more I laughed and giggled and gasped, the more He laughed. It was definitely a severe case of the goofy sillies. In the end we got the "itthchies" taken care of and settled down to sleep.

"Good night, Thir..."

swan