I was driving home from school on Friday afternoon and listening to the Michelangelo Signorile Show on Sirius OutQ. He was interviewing the director (Lucia Puenzo) of a movie titled XXY -- the story of a 15 year old named Alex who was born intersexed (with both male and female genitalia). The movie was made in Argentina, I believe, and is in Spanish with English subtitles. I was fascinated with the conversation.
At one point in the interview, Puenzo observed that the movie, aside from all the political, sexual, gender identity, gender equality, interpersonal questions it raises, is really about desire. Perhaps it was her accent, but she said the word with such depth and warmth, that I was instantly captured. I have not been able to stop rolling it around in my head since. I am certain that it is desire that is the strongest and deepest root of successful power exchange. It is the soil in which it grows, the water that sustains it, the air that gives it life, the light that fuels it, the myriad nutrients that feed it and cause it to grow and blossom.
I hadn't really ever contemplated my "desire" before. I've considered my fantasies, my dreams, my wants and needs, my urges, my nature... I've never, ever labeled all of that as "desire." We use the word, "desire" in such a prosaic and lack-lustre sense. When I go to look up definitions for it, there is no fire and no juice to them. So, the MSN Encarta online dictionary give this:
Desire --
1. wish for something: to want something very strongly
2. find somebody sexually attractive: to want to have sexual relations with somebody
3. request something: to wish for and request something ( formal )
That isn't the way the word FEELS to me. Desire feels hot, sultry, wanton, insatiable. What I desire from Him in our relationship is overpowering. I will go where I would not choose to go, simply because my desires make me long for His touch -- soft and gentle, but also, often, harsh and incredibly painful. I would get lost in Him. Gladly. Irretrievably. Forever.
It might look like "lust" or "horniness" or "hunger," but it is larger than any of those. The fire that is "desire" is awesomely bright and brilliant and devastating. I very much like the word.
Through our very busy weekend, I could feel the place where the word had opened my heart and my body up to be ready for Him whenever we could get there. Ready. Eager. Desirous. That is a sensation that has been lost to me. For awhile. I am glad to have it back. And glad to have language for the way it feels.
swan
Wonderful post. Will have to look it up the movie. Doubt it will be anywhere close to the so very small (aka closed mind) town in the south, but Net Flicks is a wonderful thing.
ReplyDeleteI am quite surprised that this post by my dear swan has somehow tripped my memory back to my undergraduate study of literature. I completed that study at the age of 24, thirty-five years ago, and quite frankly, as beloved as my study of letters was, it is very rare for me to ever have my memories of English literature surface today.
ReplyDeleteI loved the romantic poets. My favorite was Coleridge, but right up there in the running was William Blake. This post launched me back in time to memories of his masterpiece, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell." In it are two quotes about desire that are so pertinent to this post and which are, upon reflection, very appropriate for those of us who share this sensual/erotic orientation.
"Those who restrain Desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained."
"Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires."
So as it was in 1790 it remains today. There must have been a reason they called them classics.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
I love words too swan. I smiled the whole way through this post. It was a good read. ((hugs))
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