Dealing with the "Haints"

It seems to me that it is appropriate, as we come to the end of the month of October, and Halloween approaches, to deal with the ghosts that hover around the edges of our lives and scare the willies out of me -- even if they don't seem to spook anyone else particularly. In the folklore of the backwoods and hill country of America, these ghosts are sometimes called, coloquially, "haints." Tonight, it seems that I've had a wild and wooly weekend that has been full of the work of running off the haints of my world.

Friday evening was the beginning of that process. I did meet my mother for drinks and dinner. It turns out that "The Princess Pat" has turned into a crotchety old lady without the power to impact my life or make me miserable anymore. It isn't that she is less mean, but the years that I've been out of her clutches, living my life according to my own best lights, following the dreams that burn in my own heart, have freed me from her in powerful ways. I was interested to see how others (waiters, hotel desk clerks, the shuttle driver) respons to her cantankerousness -- they tend to react with a bit of surprise, but then just kind of back off, shrug and go on about their business. No one gets the least bit wrapped up in her foolishness, and I found myself in their ranks, seeing it but not feeling compelled to take it on personally or engage it at all. What an eye-opener! So, the first "haint" to fall this weekend was the powerful ghost of my mother's hold over my life and my happiness.

Another "haint" that has been terrorizing me over the last few months is the state of our clan finances. Some of you may recall that I am the one who has been given the task of maintaining our financial records, paying our bills, and balancing the family budget. It is not a task that for which I feel I have good skills -- not something that I am particularly well suited to, but it is part of the work that Master wants from me. He and T refer to me, jokingly, as "The Checkbook Nazi." I know it is supposed to be light-hearted and funny, but I feel the barbs implied in the appelation, and it does sting. Still, I try to do my level best to keep us balanced and in the black. It isn't easy. At least, for me it isn't. The state of the economy these days has pushed me harder and harder to keep up with everything. The price of gas and the price of food and the cost of clothing and the cost of heating our homes... it all has soared in the last year. Our credit card debt has grown, and try as I might, I just don't ever seem to make much of a dent in it all. For weeks now, I've been lying awake, late at night, worrying about how or whether we were going to "make it." I hate being the one to be continually saying, "we don't have the money for..." and I've been doing that a whole lot lately. On Friday, morning, as I was showering and preparing for work, the whole mess came to a head as the satellite TV (a bill I'd been putting off trying to find the cash to pay it) suddenly shut off -- at 6:30 in the morning. Now, there are very few things that are as much of a crisis as the cessation of TV in this house. He came to find me, and I was a hysterical mess as I told Him that there wasn't enough money and I didn't know what to do and I was so afraid... He managed to sort it all out and get the bill paid during the afternoon, and the TV came back on. I've spent hours and hours this weekend (with His guidance and support), analyzing our finances and building spreadsheets and making a rough budget. We think that we have a grip on things and a plan to move to a much more stable and solvent place. I feel a lot better tonight with that giant "monster under the bed" finally handled. Maybe tonight I'll sleep.

The third vanquished "haint" of this weekend was much, much easier. This was the first actual "weekend" we've had in three weeks. I've had school functions on Saturday for the last two weekends, and that has left us seriously short on the time that we so count on to reconnect and re-establish ourselves with each other. I really do try not to be needy and demanding and all of that, but as time goes by and we don't get the physical connection of BDSM play, I start to fuss and worry and "horriblize" about the foundations of our relationship. No amount of intellectual understanding of the realities and limitations can keep the scary thoughts at bay for long --and I begin to imagine that the issue isn't "time" but "boredom" and "longing for someone newer and more interesting." It is crazy, and I know it is crazy, but I am just like a small child with witches in the wardrobe. This morning, finally, we had time and enough sense of calm and personal well-being to really play, to really make love, to really just revel in the physical and emotional side of our love. It was fabulous and wonderful and hot, and I am much better balanced tonight because that shadow has been dispelled.

Oh yeah --and we voted (early) yesterday, so we've done what we can do to shape the future of our country and our world. This morning, as we watched General Colin Powell endorse Barack Obama for president, we literally vibrated with the wonder and the hopefulness and the excitement of it all. Could it be? Could it be that the "Headless Horesman" who has been sitting in the Oval Office these last eight years might finally be banished from the scene?

Altogether a very good weekend -- maybe it was a "Ghost Busters" sort of time?

swan