I've written about her before ... my mother.
She was the beauty that my father fell in love with and married.
She was bright and talented and vivacious -- and unbelivably mean.
I wanted her to love me -- for all the years of my youth, my adolescence, my young adulthood, my marriage. And I have wanted her to love me, and accept me through these last six years.
Sometimes wanting is a thing that simply is. Without any reason, and completely unresponsive to intellect and the reality of life.
My mother is who she is. She is who she has always been. She is.
I know all of that, and at the intellectual level, I understand and I have let her go. But part of me still wants my mother. Or at least -- a mother.
For most of the last few years, my mother and I have not spoken. What I know of her life and well-being, is conveyed to me by my children. Bits and pieces.
Occasionally, she or I will dial one another's phone number "accidentally," and an awkward sort of conversation will ensue. It doesn't go anywhere, and it leaves me shaken and unsatisfied. I don't know where it leaves her. I know so very little about her.
Today, my phone rang, and it was her. On caller ID. I didn't take the call -- let it go to voice mail. Feeling too vulnerable to talk with her...
The message? She is traveling to Cincinnati this week. Wonders if I'd like to "get together."
NO!
I don't.
I dropped the phone as if it were a poisonous snake. Took awhile to get to the calling back.
Felt just sick.
Yep.
In town on Tuesday evening. For a conference/reunion of the military group that "her guy" served with in Korea. Will be here through Sunday next week.
I asked her about the "schedule" for their time here, and it seems that, perhaps Friday, there might be a bit of time where we could meet for dinner.
Maybe I can do that.
I don't feel like I am sturdy enough -- or angry enough -- or mean enough to say "no."
The question is do I go "on my own," or do WE go together?
I believe that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by putting us all in line for her wickedness, and I have no illusion that she will be civilized under those circumstances.
She is 80. Nothing will be gained or changed at this stage.
So.
Friday.
Dinner.
Done.
I still want my mom.
swan
"The question is do I go "on my own," or do WE go together?"
ReplyDeletehi swan. i'm guessing that was a rhetorical question but am going to throw my 2 cents in anyway.
believe me, Tom and T are immune to your mother. although she may still be capable of wounding you i don't believe she can affect them. at most she will inspire their protective feelings towards you.
in sensitive visits with family members i find it helpful (for BOTH of us) to have someone else there as a buffer. there is less pressure on both of us, the conversation is lighter, more pleasant. also, people who aren't emotionally entangled can offer a logical perspective on the other person's behavior, acting as a sort of interpreter. if you're historically the "scapegoat" in the relationship they can reassure you that you did nothing "wrong".
i will be hoping for the very best outcome for you. and i hope relating my personal experience hasn't caused you any discomfort. if it has, i apologize.
melissa
Swan I too long for a relationship with my mom that I know will never be. It is a void that I have tried to fill so many times in so many ways but to no avail. Your mom is missing out on a lot by not having a relationship with you. I am glad you have people in your life who love you inconditionally. Thank you for sharing- I can so relate.
ReplyDeleteI Gal
swan
ReplyDeletethis isn't going to be an upbeat - you can do this - sort of comment - but they are nevertheless words from my heart.
i didn't have a healthy relationship with either of my parents - i only felt truly free and happy after they both died. and yeah i know that sounds like a terrible thing for a daughter to say about her parents... but it is true.
i spent most of their lives trying to please them.. trying to be what they wanted me to be... i am now what i want to be .. and who i always knew i could be inside.... and i am happy.
That is not to say that there aren't days / situations that i don't miss them terribly.. but then i think how much more pleasant my life is now.. without them.. and the sad feelings pass...
go with T and Raheretic or not - won't make much of a difference in my opinion... because the main characters - you and your mom - are who you are ... shrug..
sorry - not very upbeat is it :(
morningstar (owned by Warren)
Maybe there is hope for change even at 80, she did call. She could have just come into town and left without you even knowing.
ReplyDeleteShe did make the offer to meet. She could have made sure you knew she was here only to refuse to meet with you. Perhaps she's trying to reach out.
There is always hope.
Sharon
All of you, who took the time to respond here to this -- Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't looking for "upbeat" as morningstar characterized it, and the sharing of your own experiences surely does not make me "more" uncomfortable.
I don't have any illusions about this particular event between my mother and I. I don't have any expectation that she will be different than I know her to be, and there is nothing about my life that will change because of this coming to pass. I am really FINE, and that, all by itself, is enough to keep her and I estranged.
I wish she weren't coming. I wish that I felt like I could just skip this whole business. I wish, honestly, for the freedom that her eventual death will bring me (see morningstar, you are not alone with this). For now, I just want the appointed day and hour to come and be gone so I don't have to think about it anymore.
swan
Hi Swan,
ReplyDeleteI, like you, spent my whole life trying to please my mother. I never could. My sister was "perfect" but I was never good enough. When she was diagnosed with cancer when I was 15 I was the one that went to the hospital twice a day; the smell made my sister sick. When my mother came home I cut classes to care for her and still got straight A's. My sister cut school to fuck her boy friend and got kicked out and my mom cried to the principal that it wasnt her fault, she was going through so much at home. She made not such call for me when I got called on the carpet with the school. I could go on and on but Im sure you get the idea. My mother passed away 5 years later in our house because she refused to go into hospice. I turned down a scholarship to an Ivy league school to care for her and right before she died the last thing she did was ask for my sister. I guess the point of all this is to say that I was waiting for the relief part but it never came. Just more rage and anger. Its been about 20 years now and Im still angry and resentful. And I still think about her always.
Suzanne
Swan, how very difficult. I really don't know whether I would see her or not. Both ways hurt for different reasons. I want a mother too, but at least I did have a good one. Seeing yours might be a reminder of all that never was. And yet...
ReplyDeleteHow sad that your mother missed out on the kind of relationship she might have had with you.
I am sending hugs. Sara
swan, believe me, I know how it is. I really do.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hermione
Swan
ReplyDeleteLife is to short to waste even one minute on someone whom you know will never change.
Spend the time instead with those who do love you or doing something you enjoy (a long soak in a bubble bath with a large glass of wine and a good book for example), they will be much more profitably spent and do you far more good assuredly.
Hil
I have had similar feelings for a variety of reasons about many of my blood relatives. I've got a laundry list of reasons, betrayal, incest, sheer meanness, insensitivity, taking me granted, ignoring my feelings even when I'm obviously bleeding emotionally...all sorts of things. None of them pretty.
ReplyDeleteThere's two things I learned. One is that each instance of possible connection needs to be taken on its own face value. Not for them, but for me. To honor my feelings in the moment. Sometimes, that's a big f' you!!! I don't wanna. So I don't. Sometimes its a silent. Nope. Not right now. I'm not going to venture that way. So I am merely silent, not refusing, just ignoring myself.
Other times, I realize that the little girl in me, needs a moment. Some sort of moment. And I will feel strong enough to protect her to get that moment for her. So I do. And that's for me. Not for them. The moment is, seeing a smile from someone, getting a hug that reminds me of some childhood moment that was good. Or simply that she needs a reminder that Mommy is not here.
And the other thing I learned is I found a Mommy in my life. I learned that if I need family, then I should choose some. So I did. I have a lovely family of chosen sisters, brothers, Uncles, Aunts, grandparents and children. All sorts of lovely people who are also dear, dear friends and so when I need a Mommy moment of any kind, I can go get it. I just have to ask for tea, else wait for the next social date that's already built in to my life.
((hugs)) I suspect that you can find something sweet in some little moment and capture it for the little girl in you, if only to look at your mother and know that her genetics created you...a very special being. A very lovable being. A being capable of such depth and caring for others. A teacher, a mother, a wife, a submissive, a friend, a creative person in many ways. Grab a little moment, seal it away and go home knowing you got the best of that mean streak in her, despite herself. *winks and smiles*
Both Tom & I have told swan that this is her decision. Either we go with and support her there or we stay home, fussing, until she is within our arms and we will support her here.
ReplyDeleteHer decision...I am her "sister" no matter what!
T