More Questions

We seem to be in a mode that is drawing more "reader questions" than we usually get here. Submissiveinthecity left a whole group of interesting questions on the post about how we encounter the medical community.

Like many of our readers, she was quick to give us an out, suggesting that we should not answer her questions if we felt she was being "too nosy" or "intrusive." For the record, although we do not actively seek out questions from our readers (or pretend to have such wisdom that we would set ourselves up as any sort of authority), we are always happy to try and answer sincere questions. In most cases, we don't worry that a curious reader might be "too nosy," although there have been times on occasion when we've drawn a line and declared a particular topic "off limits." That has been, and will continue to be, our practice regarding these sorts of inquiry.

So... Here are the questions, and the respective answers:

• I get the sense that you own adjacent (semi-detached?) homes. Have you modified them so you can go between the two without going outside?

We own two ground-floor condominiums. They are side-by-side. Our front and back doors are abot 12-15 feet apart. We have not modified them structurally -- that would almost certainly violate the rules of the homeowners' association. We have done a few very simple things that help us use them as one single home. One of the very first things that we did was to purchase and set up an inexpensive, plug-in, wireless intercom system. Probably, we got it from RadioShack, although it has been a long time, and I don't exactly remember. We keep one unit on each of our kitchen counters, and they allow us to talk to the "other side" without having to leave the stovetop. We set up a household pantry in the "laundry room space" on one side, and we keep the washer and dryer in that space on the other side. We have stepping stones placed between our two front porches, and also between our two back patios. We can easily go from one place to the other in just a few steps -- our home is like anyone else's except that we have two outside "hallways." We have also converted the smaller bedrooms on each side to "specialize" the use of the rooms. On T's side, the small room is a guest room and small office space. On my side, that same room is the "library" and exercise room.

• Did you have trouble finding two adjacent homes?

We actually had no trouble finding these places. We stopped in to see the complex on a Halloween night about 7 years ago. We liked the development enough to basically tell the salesperson that we'd be glad to move in IF we could have two places, on the ground level, that were side-by-side. We also specified that we had to both qualify for decent mortgage loans. The builder worked with their own "captive" mortgage company, and BINGO -- we were in. We moved in during the following January, and we've been here ever since.

Actually, when we contemplate the possibility of a single home that we would all share, we encounter far more trouble than we did finding these places. In one home, we'd want/need distinct private spaces. We'd need two relatively comparable "master" suites. Two kitchens is a "must have," because, if there is one thing we've learned in all this time, it is that T and I are very territorial about our respective kitchen spaces. Add to all of that the fact that Master wants a place that is on a pond (as we are now), and the idea of finding the perfect single house for us all gets pretty daunting.

• How do do the three of you deal with the financial issues?

Finances have been challenging for us as we've moved along. In the beginning, I was determined to "pay my own way," and I was very reluctant to take any financial "help" from Master and T. That got pretty crazy on occasion. Eventually, He got insistent, and I came to be more comfortable. We still maintain separate bank accounts but I manage them all. We consider, on a pretty regular basis, that forming some sort of LLC would probably be the way to go to allow us to combine our financial resources.

• Are you using a lot of the same legal tools that gay couples in states that forbid same-sex marriage use to ensure that you have as many rights and legal protections as possible?

We are not currently doing this. We have looked into it, and discussed it, and come to be agreed that it would be a "good" way for us to go. What we have not yet done is manage to track down a qualified attorney in our area who would be open-minded and kink-friendly enough to make us comfortable in having the appropriate documents drawn up. As much as gay and lesbian people encounter societal bias, our poly situation is even more likely to attract censure, criticism, and open disgust. We've been cautious about stepping out in that fashion.

• It seems as if the three of you do a great job of dealing with the emotion aspects--both positive and negative--of being a triad, so I'm just curious how easy it's been to adapt for three people the practice societal structures that are intended for two people.

I think we've touched on this somewhere along the way, but probably not at much length. You are right to note that much of our society is designed around the assumption of paired / coupled relationships. Or, where there are more than two in the relationship, it is assumed that there is a family that includes the allowed maximum number of two adults and then some number of children. We don't fit in either category. Most of our coping with that reality involves finding ways to "work around" the assumptions. Some things are simple. In restaurants, wait staff will generally ask -- "one check or?" We don't all sleep in the same bed, so when we travel, we opt for rooms with two beds, or sometimes for suites with two rooms. The places that really leave us out in the cold are those "deals" that offer two tickets for the price of one, or buy one admission and get the second one free, or invitations / offers that are open to "you and a guest." All of those types of scenarios assume the couple model, and we end up left out of that sort of thing -- although now that Master and T eat so little, we can sometimes make that work for a meal out. We just buy two meals and split one. The other situation that poses serious challenges in some situtations is the workplace. We struggle when one of us needs or wants to be with the non-matrimonial partner for some medical situation or family emergency. I, for example, cannot go to my principal and say that I need the afternoon off to be able to accompany my "neighbor" to the doctor. It just doesn't work from a career standpoint.

I hope that answers some of these questions. There isn't much that is glamorous or even very exciting, but that is "how we do it."

swan