Learning about Fear

Once a month, I attend classes at a local university with my principal and a colleague. We are a team working to learn how to implement a particular sort of educational system transformation in our school. There's a lot of research in this area of educational theory, and it does seem to be the latest, greatest, best thing.

The man who is teaching the program is an odd sort of duck, and he is all over the place with information and theories and odd metaphors. He fancies himself a great storyteller, and so his lectures are peppered with weird tales that often seem to go nowhere. I find him irritating, and it is hard work for me to stay focused on the goal of the class so that I can extract the valuable information from the deluge of silliness that he pours out each month.

Aside from the educator-specific mumbo jumbo, one of the things that I came away from out of the last workshop was the concept of the "amygdala hijack." The amygdalae are almond-shaped bodies located deep within the medial temporal lobes of the brain, considered to be part of the limbic system. The amygdala is the arousal, “fight or flight or freeze,” and emotional memory part of the brain. Its job is to protect by comparing incoming data with emotional memories.

An amygdala hijack occurs when we respond out of measure with the actual threat because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat. For instance, the amygdala will react
similarly to the threat of being eaten by a tiger (physical threat) and the threat of an ego
attack (emotional threat) by bringing on the fight or flight or freeze reaction. In an amygdala hijack, the amygdala overtakes the thinking part of the brain, and when that happens, there’s little or no ability to rely on intelligence or reasoning. An amygdala hijack happens in a split-second and reduces the number of options that feel like viable possibilities.

Being afraid triggers the limbic system. Any sort of perceived threat, real or imagined, can send the amygdala into defensive mode, and the instant that happens, the ability to analyze, evaluate, perceive options, organize responses, or carry out plans -- all these neocortical functions are compromised.

And that seems important to me, because I've spent a lot of this last year being afraid -- afraid for Master and T, afraid for T's mom, afraid that I'd be "aced" out of the grandma role because I'm so far away, afraid that my daughter will not be able to put together a reasonable life for herself, afraid that I'd somehow not be up to the challenge of this year's incoming class at school, afraid that His work situation will not continue -- or that T's won't -- or that mine won't, afraid that I am not able to measure up sexually or submissively in our relationship, afraid of my reactions and my responses and my emotions, afraid ... afraid ... afraid ...

It feels like I've spent months and months with my guard up, with my defenses at the ready -- continually in battle mode. I am combative at home and I am combative on line. If I'm not careful, I fall into warrior mode with my students -- and they are far too young and vulnerable to be dealing with my crazy imaginings. I have to consciously remind myself not to lash out, not to imagine enemies around every corner, not to believe the worst of everyone I meet, and not to expect the worst possible outcome in every situation. I am so ... tired.

Experts, who study this, suggest a process to interrupt the amygdala hijack -- SOSS:

Stop –Physically withdraw. If possible, name the trigger or emotion. This keeps the
neocortex engaged and active and helps to prevent the amygdala from taking over.

Oxygenate – Take deep breaths with intention and purpose. Pay attention to
breathing. This keeps the neocortex engaged.

Strengthen appreciation – It’s difficult to get hijacked while focusing on
appreciation, particularly if you can appreciate the source of the hijack -- the person or the circumstance that appears as a potential threat.

Survey the landscape – Take the time to revisit the hijack experience after it’s
completed to learn more about what happened and why. Work to identify the trigger to
better manage emotion and interrupt the hijack early.

So, part of what I'm turning to focus on during the new year just ahead, is checking my fears and learning to stay out of "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. I want to stop reacting from fear and start reacting like a rational person. I want to enjoy and appreciate and breath. I want to sleep soundly and calmly. I want to be in my life fully and joyfully without the continual anxiety about what happens next to threaten my safety and security and peace of mind. I want to stay in the moment and enhance my awareness of what is good and real and solid in my life.

I am not so naive as to believe that I can banish fear altogether. Sometimes real things happen that are very scary. Sometimes it makes sense to be scared. I will likely be scared again and again in the days and weeks and months ahead. Still, I think I'll be stronger for the really scary times, if I'm not wearing myself out on every imagined phantom.

swan