Here I am Again: One More Time Redoing My Life Script

It should come as no shock to readers here that a key aspect of my life, my sensual erotic orientation has focused on a deep seated compulsive need to spank others. It has been that way since my earliest conscious memories, has never left me, or flagged. Throughout my life I struggled to find a way to have this admittedly strange and intense need accepted and embraced by a woman. To have my central sexual identity embraced and loved. For me to be loved despite or even because this is who I am. I have failed again and again. It appears I still am.

I had a long terrible marriage during years that I was for the most part denying and/or trying to "get over" my needs regarding spanking. I did have some relationships, more like friendships, which included expressions of spanking that, while they were never going to progress to becoming in depth loves, provided outlets for expression and respites of acceptance. Brief periods where I didn't appear too sick and wrong to be cared for by another person because of this need.

Eventually there was (thank god) my divorce and then there was t. She was part of the BDSM community and embraced me as who I was. She loved me. All of me. She did not work around my need for spanking, she loved me because of it. She participated in it. She loved me totally and cared for me and gave to me as no one ever had. We had this two years of wonderful bliss which ended in her becoming horribly ill and almost dying. Our fairy tale appeared likely to become a tragedy. Amazingly, against all odds, she survived and recovered her health. There was one unfortunate casualty, one negative permanent side effect. She had in all the pain she lived through lost her eroticization of pain. She no longer could tolerate spanking. She didn't hate spanking, or think it was wrong, in fact she wished she could still be part of it. But she could not. Our life in terms of my sensual erotic orientation was ended. We still loved each other and were hugely dedicated to each other as we remain today. But there was to be no further spanking between us (at least not with me as Top.) She encouraged me to find others to express this need. She liked friends from the BDSM community and embraced the women I played with whom she laughingly labeled her "stunt butts." Life seemed pretty good compared to my fear that I would lose her all together and be plunged back into loneliness.

As she had been ill I had found in an online DD LISTSERV I was part of a woman in Denver with whom I had connected and who had offered me great support. It was swan. Readers here know the long story of how that on line connection became a deep real time friendship, and love and eventually the other part of the love of my life, our family for the last seven plus years. A key aspect of this relationship was that this wonderful woman discovered with me that she was a masochist and was a very high end spanking practitioner mostly on the bottom end of the power exchange. We loved totally and played and connected deeply around our sadomasochism and I was never more fulfilled in my life. It was clear in those days that my life included spanking friendships with a number of women. In fact some of her earliest visits to us we had the "stunt butts" in for parties which featured lots of gratuitous spanking so she could meet them and they her.

It has become increasingly clear and certainly never more so plain than in swan's post below that this has changed. swan cannot tolerate me talking about spanking with anyone other than her let alone playing with anyone. Further she has come to increasingly find being spanked to be a process she feels abused in. She feels hugely guilty about it and complains that she is falling short in that she can't do it as well as some imaginary cadre of women whom she feels I spank whom she generally refers to as the "spanking chotches." It is difficult to discount these competitors in that there are no women other than her whom I spank. The fact that they don't exist beyond her fears has nothing to do to prevent them from wrecking our relationship no matter how many times I point out the absurdity of this.

So here I am again. Just as when I was 6 now I am at age 60 unable to find a way to have my inner most identity embraced or accepted. I lack a way to express it or share it and have no alliance with a woman to express it.

I love sue beyond everything. I want to continue with her and of course with t. The fact is that there simply is no way for me to ever be accepted and valued for who I am. I have many "socially redeeming" gifts but there is this fatal flaw in my personality, my character which makes me unlovable and unworthy of ever really being accepted loved by a woman.

So here I am again. I am doubting at this point in my life I really have the where with all or the time and energy to try to begin again.

Tom