I've been pondering the "flip side" of the discussion that I got into in the post about Dominants. I'm pretty clear that there are plenty of people who struggle needlessly, as they attempt to create power exchange dynamics, precisely because there is a sort of shared mythology about how Dominance and submission SHOULD be. How much easier things would be if Dominants were free to want what they wanted in the way they wanted without every submissive and would be submissive with an Internet connection dissecting, analyzing, and evaluating every decision, command, and move.
But as I think more about that, I am not entirely sure that it is all a result of our immersion in the fantastical stew of cyber-BDSM. There is more, I suspect, that drives submissive women (and I am not going to even try to broaden this discussion to submissive males) to an almost frantic insistence that Dominants "follow the rules," and "stay consistent," and "pay attention," and "create romance and excitement."
For lack of a better descriptor, I'm calling the whole syndrome "The Bodice-Ripper Effect." For those who are not acquainted with this particular literary genre, the romance novel is surely the laughing stock of the print fiction universe. The romance novel fan is an easy mark for the book snobs among us. Readers of espionage stories, and readers of science fiction, and those who read detective stories all get viewed as more intellectually advanced than those who read an occasional Harlequin romance.
In general, a "Bodice-Ripper" is usually an explicit romantic novel; usually in a historical setting and always with a plot involving the seduction of the heroine. These books owe much in style to the work of English romantic novelists like Jane Austen and Emily Bronte. Nevertheless, the term itself is American. The first reference in print is from The New York Times, December 1980:"Women too have their pornography: Harlequin romances, novels of 'sweet savagery,' - bodice-rippers."
Whether or not one is a fan of this kind of literature, I wonder if many of us don't harbor secret fantasies that play out in our minds like the most lurid of romance novel plots. For women with a submissive bent, I think that it is easy to imagine a strong, virile, and handsome man who will come storming onto the scene, sweep us off our feet, ravish us, leave us breathless ... and guiltless.
Guiltless. That, I believe, is the root of the "bodice-ripper" fantasy. No matter how explicit the sex scenes, no matter how depraved the behavior, no matter how the heroine strays from her roots, her training, her upbringing -- it is never her fault, because it is never in her control. Entering into a "bodice-ripper" relationship can seem like an easy solution to all of life's quandries and challenges. Just give the responsibility to the Dominant. Hand over control, and then sit back and go with the flow.
Those of us who are oriented to SM, are not immune from the social stigma and public judgement that applies to our lifestyle. As it scales up and down through the varying levels of intensity, it is easier and easier to begin to imagine an intermediary who might absorb a good bit of the shock and alienation that we are subject too. I think it is the very rare submissive that does not, at least now and then, contemplate putting all the responsibility and decision making in the hands of our partner. It would be a relief for many to be absolved of all blame while engaging in more and more socially suspect erotic/sexual behaviors.
Just like the myths that indicate that all dominants must behave in very specific ways, our internal stories tell us that it must be possible to submit enough to be cared for, kept safe, and given the ticket out of the moments when real life is too harsh or scary or challenging.
Except it doesn't work like that. Life is not a fairy tale. It isn't a storybook. Life requires work and thoughtful intention, and careful tending to the loves that sustain us. We ought to stay vigilant for the convoluted thought processes that lead us into inevitable moments of frustration and disappointment.
swan
Many times your topics make make me wish for a group discussion over wine and hors douvres (sp?), or tea and coffee, and this one of those. There are so many paths I go down when I try to address what I think, and I'd so like to have a give and take discussion that evolves...
ReplyDeleteI don't know how the bodice ripper fantasy novels fit in for those that love them, but I've always thought that they perhaps fed the need rather than created it. That women who already had the hunger went looking for outlets that helped to satisfy it.
There is a great deal of study and talk these days about women's sexuality, desire and lack there of. Many of these inevitably seem to get into the fact that domination is one of the most common fantasies, and that rape fantasies are not unusual. Of course, the man is always handsome, clean, powerful, etc. I think it's true for some women that this relieves them of guilt, but I think that's the minority. One speaker (sorry, don't remember her name) called strong desire the ultimate aphrodisiac for a woman. She said a theory coming into vogue was that this desire for dominance is a protective factor left over from early man when wives were frequently stolen in raids, and taken forcefully. She had other material she felt that backed this theory up: women lubricate in the presence of sex in the vicinity, even unpleasant sex, even if they said they were not aroused, etc.
For myself, I don't live in a D/s or HOH relationship, it's not what we do because it's not who we are, but I have felt these parts of me forever. I don't feel any guilt at all over my sexuality. I limit it to my husband, but there anything goes. We play at it as we can, as suits both of us. In fact the older we get, the more we realize that it's a gift that probably has a shelf life and should be enjoyed to the fullest. I still have the strongest male domination fantasies, being swept off my feet fantasies, etc. I think that being desired that overwhelmingly, that it sweeps HIM away, is a powerful thing. Of course, I realize that's fantasy, and don't try to create it in my life, just dream about it to enrich it.
Sorry, if I've overwhelmed you...wish we could have that neighborly talk!
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ReplyDeletelet me know what you think.
best Regards
Enzo