Retrospective -- May, 2009

Coming into May, it is clear that things were returning to some sort of "normal" for us, and the breadth and scope of the writing expanded accordingly. I am clear that this little exercise is baffling our readership, but I am intrigued as this stream of consciousness set of entries evolves for me. So, be patient, and I'll move on in good time.

swan

If poly grabs you by the throat and won't let you go, then you should do your best to figure it out. Otherwise, there are way easier ways to get through life * * * I am not dreadful to look at (I hope), but I am not "sexy" by any definition of the word * * * For me, "sexy" means something very specific, and for right or wrong, that is about a physical presentation in the world. I am simply not able to get to that place where being a really good cook or an excellent musician or a really accomplished homemaker becomes "sexy." * * * they do make ash paddles, and they are functionally superior to maple. It is interesting that major league baseball has come to learn what John Hanson could have told them long ago. Baseball bats of maple will break readily on impact and ash bats will endure impact * * * I am feeling as if I can't come "back in." I am feeling stuck in hyper-vigilant, control-freak mode. I am so tired and so worn out, and I just can't seem to let go and relax back into place. A feral creature is defined as having escaped from domestication and become wild. That's a really good description of where my head seems to be * * * rebooting was His response when He would perceive that I was engaged in self-talk that was self-denigrating and emotionally harmful to my well-being * * * marriage proposal, put forward as a non-proposal; in fact put in the form of command -- removes the thrill of romance, perhaps. The command encapsulates the legal commitment that is not recognized in the existing relationship, and refuses to acknowledge that there is any choice in the imposition of that legal status. To require a slave to enter into marriage conveys certain legal advantages on the partners; works to preserve and protect the integrity of the relationship; recognizes that marriage is a contract. For those already engaged in the contractual relationship that is the Master/slave dynamic, the layering on of an additional contract should pose no hurdle at all * * * power-based relating is about the balance that is created when two partners choose to deliberately and consciously manipulate the power and energy that exists between them in relationship. He and I have been doing it for some years now, so we have some knowledge and experience between us. In particular, He brings a great depth of experience to our dynamic, and He knows me so well, that there is very little that happens with me that He doesn't see and understand. The Dominance that He practices, with regard to me, is almost reflexive and instinctive, and as such it becomes over-arching and all encompassing. It happens almost as naturally as breathing * * * We had a great time imagining the conversations that our friend was likely to have with the other sales staff (especially with the gal who blew us off), and later with Mrs. Walter as he described the really big sale he made to the crazy family of three * * * My new baby grandson arrived this morning at 5:17 * * * I am resigned, for now, to having to periodically confront my own personal fears and demons with regard to His approach to poly. I know, as I am in the midst of the storm, that the misery is temporary; that I'll be angry and frightened and hurt, but that the emotional turmoil will resolve to something calmer. I know that my wish (in that maelstrom) to see Him have to struggle with the same challenges is one of those places where I kick at the constraints of our dynamic. I also know that being challenged and emotional does not mean that I am actually unhappy at some fundamental level. It means that there is growth occurring * * * I live with joy. I know that I am where I ought to be, in exactly the place I was born for. There is nowhere I'd rather be, and no two people in the world with whom I'd rather be. We are creating the world according to our own lights and the vision we share, and it is a very good thing * * * His expectations are very simple -- He wants to be cared for and loved; to have what He wants and needs provided smoothly and without His having to cause it to happen. He wants to be treated with respect and deference. He wants a willing play partner who will submit to His sadistic drives. He is not interested in layering on rules or rituals * * * Isn't he just too adorable * * * The Dominant partner is worthy of respect because of the quality of their character. They may exhibit normal human weaknesses, and occasionally (or even regularly) fall short of perfect, and they remain worthy of respect. There is no way for such a person to "lose our respect" assuming their character remains intact. Engaging in relationship with such a person will require us to make the investment of our trust faithfully and steadily and diligently even when our emotions and fears and whims and wishes might tell us to do otherwise * * * this year, as the anniversary season approached again, I found myself contemplating what sort of gift to give Him. I wanted to find something that would speak to Him of how very much I love Him, how much I value our relationship dynamic, how lucky and grateful I feel to be His, and for all the years we've shared. I wanted something that would be a clear symbol of all we've shared to this point, and stand for all the years I hope will be ours in the future * * * Here's an article about the incipient movement to push for equal marriage rights for multi-partnered relationships, specifically "triads." * * * I have come to believe that the anonymous ones betray the truth of their own lives. It is their own frustration and bitterness that makes it so impossible for them to tolerate the choices we have made to "live the life we've imagined." To someone who feels trapped in a relationship that is lifeless, loveless, hopeless seeing people live as we do must be terribly painful. For someone who lacks the courage to reach out and grasp the dreams they are afraid to acknowledge, our very existence must feel like a slap. Their anger is about desolation and despair and depression and doubt. The darkness within which they dwell is palpable in the words they leave scattered here