Retrospective -- January, 2009

Master and I were talking this morning about the coming end of the year, and feeling some sense of relief and maybe even triumph that we've survived this wild and challenging year together. We've never really been inclined to look back too much at the end of calendar years, but this year seems very different. So, in the interest of trying to "capture" the flavor of these last 12 months, I've thought to construct a series of monthly "Readers' Digest" condensed versions of the year that was 2009. I've extracted little bits that seem evocative to me of the various posts for each month, and will put them up in order. If you wonder what any of this string of consciousness is about, follow the links back to the original pieces. Here, for anyone that might find this sort of thing interesting, is January --

Heron Clan New Year's Eve at home. Steak, King Crab legs, baked potatoes, green beans and asparagus wrapped in Prosciutto, Merlot and Champagne * * * Every cell in my body was wishing I could just curl into a ball and go back to sleep, but He was happy and jolly, and I was loathe to spoil His mood * * * when the reality was right there, it was the hardest thing I could think of to do -- just staying put, just getting through it, just remembering to behave as I know is expected * * * We have a culture in the lifestyle that causes us to lean toward the belief that it is the submissive who is vulnerable to abuse by scene predators. We are much slower to see, understand, and react to the ways in which the top part of the power equation can be victimized and harmed by unethical and unscrupulous bottoms * * * That is likely, the purest description of the path we travel with our partners as we seek to create good, healthy, fulfilling power dynamics -- mutual surrender to the very essence of our place in the world. It is an inextricable connection: the One who knows and understands, who has the vision of what life is and what it can be becomes the focal point and the available repository for the trust of which they are worthy. When we each find that place, that balance, then the power that we hold between us is unleashed to create the lives we dream as possible * * * We are simply feeling beleaguered and bewildered in the face of this array of medical hurdles. Master, in particular, is frightened, and angry, and very much hurt at this turn of events. To have worked so hard to have it all turn out badly anyway is a huge disappointment * * * Our session started with some hand-spanking and some knife play and I could feel myself settling into a good head space. I heard Him breathe into my ear the words, "I want you so much!" It was as if a door opened in my mind and my spirit soared. To be wanted is much different than to be loved * * * what ever happened to beat and get beaten? Because, that really is the core of our thing, and it seems that there is no place at all for our kind of BDSM * * * Our house is still "bent out of shape" that the odious Rick Warren will be giving the invocation at the Obama inauguration * * * I am declaring that this entire year is Christmas in this family. Christmas makes Him happy, and I absolutely believe this will be the year that we give ourselves the gift of a happier and much longer future together * * * unlike some paddles that can "sink" to the bottom of the pile and go un-remembered for periods of time. This one seems to never ever disappear from view -- or use * * * I think that the foundation for power-exchange is some sort of relationship that connects two human persons, and it is my belief that relationship is not defined by rules, but by the kind of knowing that grows when we spend a bit of time with one another * * * I am working my way around the edges of the notion that I will always be necessary because I am unique in my own self, and therefore not "replaceable." * * * He began to stroke me with a knife blade, and I found myself following the strokes and sinking into the rhythm as my breathing began to calm * * * I am entirely sure that there are a fair number of people who will be more than happy when May comes and goes and they don't have to read anymore posts here about my coming grandbaby * * * We have, for a good long while, believed that it might be that people like us, in unconventional families, practicing poly, could look northward to Canada for some sort of refuge from the narrow-minded bigotry that pervades the culture here in the U.S. It seems we may have been very, very wrong * * * let's face it -- people lie. They do. We do. In big and small ways, and for a thousand different reasons, the human animal practices deception * * * my subconcious self is still there, still doing the work of living this life