Where I Am

Yesterday as we rode about town on errands sue said, "Don't you think that we should write something 'letting them off the hook' on the Blog so they know how we are?" I agreed. She also asked (later) if she should put up our 9 months post surgical pictures, with a comparison to our old clothes, and I said she should. She put them on The Herons Transforming and not The Heron Clan. Then she asked me today if we should put them on The Heron Clan? I said yes. She asked if she put them there, if she could list the post about that as coming from me and not her. She was too embaraassed, or too upset, or something, to post anything on The Heron Clan under her name. So our pics are up. She posted them but signed my name to the post for whatever value that has or doesn't have.

So how am I/we? I am going to respond more to how I am. We should be talking more which would give me more insight about how she is, but we are not--sad but true. I think we are avoiding potential confrontations that might occur after such an ugly time between us.

Before I go on, this is so much wrapped up in sue's and my angst, I want to thank and love and appreciate my/our t for her tremendous affection and support and love through all of this for us both. I love you my sweetie heart and thank you for loving and supporitng us.

Where are we? Well we are pleasant again generally. We are no longer hysterical with each other as we were last Sunday. We are getting through the days OK. I am still mostly home due to my surgerical recovery and sue is off for Christmas vacation until next Monday. I never could have believed it, but I am looking forward to her returning to school. I am always thrilled to have more time with her when she is off, and grieve the loss of contact with her when school resumes. I think when school resumes this time it will be a relief.

How are we? I have struggled with what to say about this. sue has told me that she is starting a Blog for only she and I to communicate on. Somehow her invitation for me to join her there has gone awry, which is entirely plausible what with Blogger and all. I have asked her how a private Blog for only the two of us is of any greater value than the two of us simply emailing (or to be really "radical" talking to each other). She has told me that it would give me a chance to decide if what she posts should be posted in public. I am assuming based on that, that she is feeling the problem I had with her post of last weekend was that it was public. I have told her that while there is a minor embarassment factor to having our "stuff" public (my god after what we've blogged her the last 5 years that issue seems as absurd as the rest of this current dilemma does to me) this is not about publically airing our issues (which I think we've done pretty consistantly the last half decade.) I've told her it was more about her wanting to end our relationship about imaginary relationships with imaginary women. She has so far had no response to this. This is typical to our impasse it seems. She asserts that our relationship is compromised by my secret spanking relationships with other women. I assert there are none. She then becomes quiet but very distrubed unless she tells me that had I the opportunity to spank other women I would. In a likely huge strategic blunder, I agree, and we are off to the races.

So how am I? Well, in terms of this I am way better than a few days ago. When all this broke out I had a terrible day. She aserted she was going to leave us and die. I was devastated and asserted she could not leave and that I would (and did) physically prevent her from leaving and that I would die. I drank huge quantities of my newest preferred tequilla and was intent on dying. It was a very ugly day for us both. Quite frankly I am not sure how we survived the end of it. I was blacked out. And sue is not talking, and not posting, so you will have to come to understand the remainder of that story from her someday, if ever.

By the next morning she had sent me an apology as "an unworthy slave" and had deleted her post as is on the Blog now. How sincere this is in terms of how she actually feels, or if it is a manipulation here to prevent my being as draconian in my reaction last weekend, I don't honestly know or trust.

Today we had a pretty good day. I have been pretty active the last few days with all this and with having to help my 91 year old dad with an outpatient surgery (which sue helped me do hugely). I still am finding that if I have very active days I become quite dragged out and symptomatic. I did make it into the office to do some year end stuff late today. She is working admirably at being very service submissive/slave-like, and is achieving that well which is for me after our last seven and a half years very comforting. We did make love in the middle of last night. I would never broach possibly spanking her. I am too wrapped up in the concept of spanking being consensual and self-determined by the spankee to approach that with her again. I am feeling she no longer wants BDSM with me, and that besides that she lives believing there are mystery women living under our bed, who may be saying things in her head, who she believes I am spanking, leaving me feeling insecure and unable to relate.

So how are we? This seems to be the unanswered theme here. I don't really know for sue. She seems less acutely obsessed than a few days ago. She is melodramatiacally reactive at times is frequently verging on tears. She has made frequent references to things as being her fault, even when they clearly were not, stating that everything is her fault. I am comforted and feeling like OK there may be hope of resuming our normal lives after the holidays. I am feeling sad that we had no holidays. After being so ill for Thannksgiving I was really looking forward to Christmas. Her going away to Denver immediately before Christmas was sad and I was very afraid, the way holiday air travel had gone in recent years, we wouldn't have her back until after the new year. When we did, I had no idea she would react by announcing she was ready to end our relationship because of my imaginary relationship(s) with imaginary women. I was floored and devastated.

I spent last Sunday feeling pretty determinedly suicidal. Now I feel that we are both going to survive. I am very bouyed by many of the supportive comments, and some of which have particularly helped me understand what sue might be motivated by. I am totally mystified by her feelings, her behavior.... her antipathy to me, which now has evolved into her guilt and seeming resumption of loving me.

I am sincerely trying to decide if we are dealing with some huge emotional crisis that we should all just hang on and love our way through, or the on set of some serious emotional pathology. We have tried getting mental health care before, and we know it is not available for us in our community because we are poly.

Thank you to all those who have offered us your support. We have received some particularly helpful, non-judgemental, insightful, and supportive comments.

This is not one of my more articulate efforts and I hope I haven't made everything worse,

Thank you,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
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