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12/31/2010

Court II.....My Version

Swan's account of our trip to court yesterday (contained in post following this entitled "Court") bears little resemblance to mine. It is difficult to imagine she sat in the same court room and participated in the same meetings with my attorney (the lying pig we paid $5000.00 to) along with t and I. She failed to mention that I was convicted of the second offense after entering my no contest plea and that I was sentenced to 90 days in jail plus a $250.00 fine and costs (an additional $300.00) I was given credit for the 4 days in jail I've already served, but here is the hook. My attorney told me/us the plea bargain was that if I plead guilty (well "no contest" actually) to the second charge of "inducing panic," I would have six months of "non-reporting" probation. Then my sentence would be vacated and we could have my offense expunged from my record in a year. He told me this meant that all I had to do was continue my therapy and have no legal offenses for 6 months. If I simply continued my therapy, and had no other legal offenses for 6 months, I was to be home free. I've had no previous legal offenses in over 61 and a half years, so that doesn't sound too difficult. So yes, I agreed.

I accepted that "deal" as it was portrayed to me. After the fact, it turned out this was not the arrangement at all.

Then the attorney left (smart pig), and after we paid $550.00 more in fines and court costs and fees (we'd just paid $204.00 in probation fees yesterday to the probation authority that was performing my "pre-trial supervision") I was ushered in to meet my new probation officer. It turns out that the agreement was not at all as I was informed by my attorney. In actuality I must undergo random drug and alcohol testing for the next 6 months ($25.00 per test, plus $41.66 per month for the privilege of being on probation) as often as they determine I should undergo testing (at least once each month and likely more often). Should I ever test positive for alcohol, I will immediately serve my remaining 86 day sentence. There is no concern whether I continue my psychotherapy at all. I am sure this is because there is no way for the court to collect a fee from my therapy, in that it is being provided by private practicing psychologist.

So having had the reality of the "actual deal" I had agreed to under false pretenses explained to me, I felt devastated once again.

swan and t, however, felt absolutely thrilled that I wasn't going back to jail (at least not today..........Since everyone in the process has lied to me to get me to accept this "deal," it is not difficult to imagine they will likely at some point lie again to violate my probation, and then have me serve the 86 day sentence......Jail time in my county generates really big fees.)

I, on the other hand, felt (and feel) absolutely bereft and betrayed once again.

After our business with the court, we went on to the pre-trial probation agency in another town a few miles away, and they removed my electronic monitoring device from my ankle. (Perhaps now the diabetic neuropathy that has turned both my feet and ankles numb from wearing the damned thing will subside or heal.) When I got back out to the car, t and swan were all grins and talking about how they couldn't wait to go to a local Indian restaurant we had noticed recently to celebrate.

Oh boy what a celebration, food I don't understand, served with only water, in a dump....this is what our "celebrations" have become. They seemed perplexed and confused that I was depressed, unhappy, angry, and frustrated. I was quiet and near tears going home. I told them if they wanted to go out, I would do whatever they wanted.

We got into the condo and sue began screaming at me that I was just angry because "I couldn't go out and get drunk and get drunk every night. I shouldn't worry I'd be able to do that again next July." I was dumb-founded and asked her what I had done to deserve that. She clearly didn't want to hear anything from me, had no concern or respect for my feelings, and was furious that I was feeling as I was, and am. I'd had no desire to get drunk, and certainly no intention of going on nightly binges. When I had been drinking for the the four weeks before she called 911 because of my comment to her in an IM chat back in October kicking all this off, I hadn't been getting drunk nightly. Who knows what set that off....or why....for god sake I had just been restricted from drinking at all for the next 6 months, or go to jail for three months!! I certainly was not about to get drunk.


Beyond the PTSD feelings I had being back in that court, being conned into accepting a plea agreement under false pretenses, being convicted of a crime for the first time in my life and sentenced to 90 days in jail, and then told I was going to be subject to random drug and alcohol checks for the next 180 days pending incarceration for 86 days (after being told explicitly by my attorney that was not going to happen), and paying out another huge finaincial hit, I find myself again in the position where events that absolutely devastate me emotionally, physically, and (all of us) financially make t and swan positivley ecstatic and gleeful. This added twist of the screw really leaves me feeling destroyed.

So, as swan put it, we are on to the next chapter. I am suicidal feeling, once again, and as bad or worse an emotional wreck as I was when I was jailed, or when I first was released from jail. It is clear that my feelings have no validity in my own home, and that my "loves" celebrate the things that hurt me the most deeply. We did go out to the Indian restaurant so they could celebrate "their victory."

To add to it, it is New Years Eve, and I want to die before I drink another god damend glass of Crystal Light or tea...the only things, along with coffee, I am able to drink between the gastric bypass surgery and my "new" probation.

I want to die. I would give anything to have the balls to kill myself.

Tom

13 comments:

  1. Whether mandated by the courts or not, I encourage you to continue therapy, perhaps setting up a few weeks of daily meetings. It's not clear whether your therapist has prescribed a temporary round of medication? Clinical depression is treatable, although perhaps not curable.

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  2. Tom

    I have a question for you........ You said you were conned into accepting the plea agreement. May I ask what would have happened had you not accepted it??? Could not the results have been much more severe???

    I know my reaction to the plea bargain was positive.... because it meant you weren't going to jail........ or to AAA (which you quite obviously abhor) ... no more monitoring device... no more pins and needles - the waiting ordeal was over.

    But obviously you are not happy with the plea agreement. So I am curious to know what the alternative was......

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  3. Kate, I will continue to see my therapist weekly. I am not on anti-depressants. I still cling to the hope that perhaps I may resume my sex life someday after all this. Anti-depressants, particularly at my age, would end my sexual ability. I/we could in no way afford daily sessions with my therapist ($250.00 per session). Insurance would not help with visits any more frequent than my current weekly session with her.

    morningstar the alternative would have been to go on to trial and take our chances, risking jail. You are right, if your point is it could have gone worse........SO FUCKING WHAT!!!!!!!

    Tom

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  4. Tom - yes I guess my point was "could it have gone worse" I was just trying to understand your view point...

    So let me see if I have this straight... You could have gone to jail...... instead you are home in comfortable surroundings, warm and fed with two women who love you. You have your freedom to come and go as you please.

    BUT you are still under the control (in a manner of speaking) of the courts, with this probation officer and random drug/alcohol testing. I can understand that this might anger you.. it's as though they don't trust you enough not to drink and to "behave" yourself. It is sort of like consequences one gives a child.. and this angers you. I can understand that.

    Now if you can try (I know this is difficult) but if you can try to take on the attitude of "I'll show you!!" And not drink and do everything they demand of you... as your choice!! your way of showing them !! Then the next 6 months will go by quickly.... no???

    Or am I just seeing this from an outsider's point of view ... and rather naively???

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  5. morningstar you are not naiive but you are seeing this situation illogically and nonsensically. I have no choice except whether to go to jail or not go to jail. There is no way for me to choose whether to drink again or not until I am legally permitted to do so. Then I could in fact exercise a choice about that.

    My feelings are not like a child who has been disciplined nor do they have anything to do with whether or not I can drink. They are about the fact that I was just defrauded into giving up my rights to due process. They have to do with the fact that we paid my attorney a flat fee to handle this case, via my wife's Employee Assistance Program, so he lied to me about the plea arrangement to get the case resolved without his having to do much of any work or spend time on the matter. They have to do with the fact that I am going to be subject to random durg screenings for 6 months and this woman they have set me up with as my probation officer, is part of this whole fraud, and will likely find a way to get me incarcerated. She can have me jailed for 86 days at any time at her whim with or woithout cause. This whole thing is about maximizing amount that can be extorted from me, beyond the many thousands of dollars they have gotten from me already.

    WILL YOU PLEASE GET THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER I CAN DRINK. OF COURSE I WON'T DRINK FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS AND WHO KNOWS WHAT I WILL DECIDE NEXT JULY WHEN THIS IS OVER, AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A CHOICE. I KNOW THIS WHOLE THING MAKES ME FEEL WAY MORE LIKELY TO RETURN TO DRINKING, AND TO DRINK RELIGIOUSLY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, TO DEMONSTRATE MY FREEDOM ONCE (AND IF) THIS IS EVER DONE.

    Tom

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  6. Tom

    I apologize for upsetting you even more... and for trying to walk in your shoes. Obviously I have no idea - not a clue - what you have gone through or are still going through.

    I assure I will not make that mistake again.

    I hope your lawyer sorts out this mess and that you will have your actual agreement honored.

    morningstar

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  7. Tom...it's hard for us not to feel happy that you are not in jail this moment. That you have some freedom back. That the horrid ankle thing is gone...

    But, I totally understand that this feels like a scam to leech money out of you. I hope your lawyer can find out if an error was made about the monitoring. But even if you have to deal with that....you are going to pass the tests.

    I maintain the jails are overcrowded here, and they do not really want to house you, especially someone who is a medical hassle. Unless you give them some reason to arrest you again, I think it's unlikely that you will have to deal with that. BUT, it is entirely likely they are looking for more money....and you will have to play the stupid game to stay above that.

    Your lens is focused on the negative and that is a hallmark of depression. It is normal that you would be clinically depressed by the events of the last two months.

    I wish I or someone had some words of comfort or could shine a light to show the way out of the blackness. But I can offer one thing...there is a Twilight Zone marathon today and tomorrow and SyFy. Maybe you can escape for awhile.

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  8. Oh how I wish I could learn to shut up - it's why I was such an uncomfortable submissive to most partners. Take the medication on a temporary basis - I have the same issue with it you do, and I am not willing to deal with the side effects on a long term basis. I rejected meds for many, many years, to the detriment of myself, my family and my friends. Now, I recognize the thought patterns of a slide into depression and hop back on them for 30 days or so to weather the phase. And I have learned (the unfortunate hard way), that the clinically depressed brain does not see things clearly and accurately (although it feels VERY clear at the time). Thoughts of suicide during a phase don't feel cowardly, they feel brave and like the best thing for all parties. It is NOT accurate thinking. Take the meds for two months, and then move off them to see if you have returned to a more comfortable thought process.

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  9. Anonymous10:07 PM

    Tom,

    This is a good deal. You are NOT in jail, you WILL not go to jail unless you violate the terms you're free under, and once it's done you can still get this charge expunged, assuming that is important to you, not sure why it would be honestly unless you want to job hunt, really. But regardless yes it's a few months of monitoring and paying monthly fees for the privilege of your freedom. Believe Me, it is a damn sight better than being in jail and having no options regarding having the charge expunged. If you do not test positive in any of your upcoming tests, you will not go to jail. They take two samples and you can have one independently tested if you believe you have a false positive, but you won't. If you stay clean, they'll not fabricate anything to put you in jail. Jail is a net loss for the county if you're thinking of it in economic terms, you have a cost to the county if they have to house you, or heaven forfend send you to a "private" facility, and at your age and infirmities they're also responsible for your health so... don't give them a valid reason and you're going to enjoy your freedom and be able to do whatever to enhance your income as well, just not drink. A drop. For this period of time. No, that's not being a free American completely but you're a hell of a lot more free than you would be in a jail cell.

    The most insightful comment I saw is where you're focusing on the negative instead of the positive. The people in your life are thrilled they'll have you in their life daily. That you won't be in jail with all the evils involved with that particular hell. They're not repeat NOT happy that you're in the predicament you're in, they're happy they have you with them. Try, please try, and be happy they are happy with that reality. Someone cares enough that even with these onerous circumstances they have you out and physically in their presence day to day. That's something. Really it is. So many people in your time of life are so very alone.

    Buck up My friend. You have so many things to be thankful for. Honestly you do. Fight your depression, fight for your freedom, both from jail and from liquor, and really take a long look at the things that you have in your life that make it so worth living. And there's plenty, My friend, plenty.

    Magnum

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  10. Impish110:46 AM

    Many care, I care. Please don't leave us when the pains of today will not last forever. Eventually, you may choose whatever you wish. Please, in the quiet of your own space and time consider these things: Severe depression can cause you to make choices and feel feelings you might be free of it were not veiling your every move. Medication, if you consider it, can be a short term proposition and may not affect your sexuality as it has in the past since you are physically in much better shape, and pharmicalogically there are many more choices. If it does, again, short term, and you may feel so much better the respite is worth it, if not, dc it is also your choice. I know when you speak you seem to feel as if no one understands you, I can hear that and I wish so that I could touch that part of you that feels so alone and abandoned. I can feel that so strongly even as I watch the efforts of others fall to the floor useless and unseen as they fail to reach past your shell of self protection. Don't give up, and try to let in a sliver of the idea that others must celebrate the little victories because they are what life is made of right now. Without them, everyone would be where you are, and who then would help you? Hold on, don't give up, just keep going forward, however slowly you must.

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  11. If you feel as if your attorney lied to you, file a compliant with the Ohio attorney disciplinary commission:
    http://www.supremecourt.ohio.gov/DisciplinarySys/odc/default.asp

    J

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  12. Anonymous2:28 AM

    I really think what the judge/attorneys meant by "non-monitored probation" is that you would not have to wear the ankle monitor during the 6 month probation. In that sense, you weren't lied to--you don't have to have an ankle monitor on during your probation. I know you're relieved by that one small thing.

    I can tell that you're very upset by the outcome. I'm so sorry. I do hope you will come to a place that you feel better about everything soon. Please try to take care of yourself.

    I'm thinking of you all right now.

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  13. My drink of choice for New Years Eve this year (after *my* bariatric surgery) was a Virgin Mary with extra olives and no celery. It was surprisingly good stuff, and I didn't miss the alcohol at all.

    The added benefit is that given the fact that bloody mary mix (without the alcohol added) is pretty easily available these days, it is also pretty easy to have hanging around.

    When I am at an authentic Indian restaurant, I always have a glass of Salted Lassi - basically a non-sweetened yogurt and rosewater smoothie. The only rub is that less traditional places sometimes put sugar in it... so it pays to ask ahead of time:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lassi

    I am really kind of pissed at your doctor for not providing you with a better understanding of your post-surgical dietary requirements for drink. Personally, my doctor and her support staff drummed that stuff into my head from the outset - to the point that it ended up being more than a little annoying. The fact that yours didn't would seem to cross the border into malpractice...

    Good luck with PTSD. As someone who was abused sexually, physically and emotionally for 14 years (starting at 5 years old) and who was asked to endure some very nasty things while in the military, I know PTSD first hand.

    All I can say is that it really *can* get better, and *can* be managed...

    Don't forget to breathe, my friend.

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