Swan's account of our trip to court yesterday (contained in post following this entitled "Court") bears little resemblance to mine. It is difficult to imagine she sat in the same court room and participated in the same meetings with my attorney (the lying pig we paid $5000.00 to) along with t and I. She failed to mention that I was convicted of the second offense after entering my no contest plea and that I was sentenced to 90 days in jail plus a $250.00 fine and costs (an additional $300.00) I was given credit for the 4 days in jail I've already served, but here is the hook. My attorney told me/us the plea bargain was that if I plead guilty (well "no contest" actually) to the second charge of "inducing panic," I would have six months of "non-reporting" probation. Then my sentence would be vacated and we could have my offense expunged from my record in a year. He told me this meant that all I had to do was continue my therapy and have no legal offenses for 6 months. If I simply continued my therapy, and had no other legal offenses for 6 months, I was to be home free. I've had no previous legal offenses in over 61 and a half years, so that doesn't sound too difficult. So yes, I agreed.
I accepted that "deal" as it was portrayed to me. After the fact, it turned out this was not the arrangement at all.
Then the attorney left (smart pig), and after we paid $550.00 more in fines and court costs and fees (we'd just paid $204.00 in probation fees yesterday to the probation authority that was performing my "pre-trial supervision") I was ushered in to meet my new probation officer. It turns out that the agreement was not at all as I was informed by my attorney. In actuality I must undergo random drug and alcohol testing for the next 6 months ($25.00 per test, plus $41.66 per month for the privilege of being on probation) as often as they determine I should undergo testing (at least once each month and likely more often). Should I ever test positive for alcohol, I will immediately serve my remaining 86 day sentence. There is no concern whether I continue my psychotherapy at all. I am sure this is because there is no way for the court to collect a fee from my therapy, in that it is being provided by private practicing psychologist.
So having had the reality of the "actual deal" I had agreed to under false pretenses explained to me, I felt devastated once again.
swan and t, however, felt absolutely thrilled that I wasn't going back to jail (at least not today..........Since everyone in the process has lied to me to get me to accept this "deal," it is not difficult to imagine they will likely at some point lie again to violate my probation, and then have me serve the 86 day sentence......Jail time in my county generates really big fees.)
I, on the other hand, felt (and feel) absolutely bereft and betrayed once again.
After our business with the court, we went on to the pre-trial probation agency in another town a few miles away, and they removed my electronic monitoring device from my ankle. (Perhaps now the diabetic neuropathy that has turned both my feet and ankles numb from wearing the damned thing will subside or heal.) When I got back out to the car, t and swan were all grins and talking about how they couldn't wait to go to a local Indian restaurant we had noticed recently to celebrate.
Oh boy what a celebration, food I don't understand, served with only water, in a dump....this is what our "celebrations" have become. They seemed perplexed and confused that I was depressed, unhappy, angry, and frustrated. I was quiet and near tears going home. I told them if they wanted to go out, I would do whatever they wanted.
We got into the condo and sue began screaming at me that I was just angry because "I couldn't go out and get drunk and get drunk every night. I shouldn't worry I'd be able to do that again next July." I was dumb-founded and asked her what I had done to deserve that. She clearly didn't want to hear anything from me, had no concern or respect for my feelings, and was furious that I was feeling as I was, and am. I'd had no desire to get drunk, and certainly no intention of going on nightly binges. When I had been drinking for the the four weeks before she called 911 because of my comment to her in an IM chat back in October kicking all this off, I hadn't been getting drunk nightly. Who knows what set that off....or why....for god sake I had just been restricted from drinking at all for the next 6 months, or go to jail for three months!! I certainly was not about to get drunk.
Beyond the PTSD feelings I had being back in that court, being conned into accepting a plea agreement under false pretenses, being convicted of a crime for the first time in my life and sentenced to 90 days in jail, and then told I was going to be subject to random drug and alcohol checks for the next 180 days pending incarceration for 86 days (after being told explicitly by my attorney that was not going to happen), and paying out another huge finaincial hit, I find myself again in the position where events that absolutely devastate me emotionally, physically, and (all of us) financially make t and swan positivley ecstatic and gleeful. This added twist of the screw really leaves me feeling destroyed.
So, as swan put it, we are on to the next chapter. I am suicidal feeling, once again, and as bad or worse an emotional wreck as I was when I was jailed, or when I first was released from jail. It is clear that my feelings have no validity in my own home, and that my "loves" celebrate the things that hurt me the most deeply. We did go out to the Indian restaurant so they could celebrate "their victory."
To add to it, it is New Years Eve, and I want to die before I drink another god damend glass of Crystal Light or tea...the only things, along with coffee, I am able to drink between the gastric bypass surgery and my "new" probation.
I want to die. I would give anything to have the balls to kill myself.