Tapestry, thank you for offering your input about smartrecovery.com. I appreciate your trying to help us find an alternative to the AA cult, and that might provide an alternative way for me to shed the unwanted drinking behavior.
We looked at Smart Recovery back in September as we were then working together as a family to try to find a solution to the problem my drinking was creating for Sue and Teresa. I discounted it. The primary premise of Smart Recovery is that the non-problem-drinking family members come together to develop an ultimatum to the problem drinking family member. They then inform the problem drinker that his/her drinking will end or he will be ejected from the family forever. Having encountered that, I ended any involvement with Smart Recovery as an alternative.
You will note that I framed this as the problem my drinking was creating for Sue and Teresa. Drinking is not a problem for me. It is not only not unwanted behavior for me, it is behavior that is very much desired. This has always been about Sue and Teresa's continued and on-going ratcheting up of their needs to control me and our relationship. I have worked with them to incorporate new behavioral regimens over the last few months as is well documented in previous Blog posts here to try to incorporate their wishes into my life to make them happier, despite this being antithetical to our supposedly D/s lifestyle.
I have no desire to live in a family in which my inclusion is subject to a behavioral sanction to be "voted off the island" because of my drinking or any other behavior. That is precisely the essence of Smart Recovery.
That is my present situation, however, and I have now to decide what to do about that. I am at impasse. I find going forward without either Teresa or Swan in a relationship, horribly wounding and unimaginable. I feel similarly about going forward in a relationship in which they dictate the terms of my existence unlivable. Reality is, as was aptly pointed out by my therapist, (to Teresa's and Sue's great mirth and joy) that is exactly my situation. This is just one more heart breaking injury to add to my recent series of losses.
Our relationship has for the last 12 years in Teresa's case and 8 years in Sue's case been predicated on an intentional power exchange. That exchange was a contract that was hugely important and a source of huge intimacy between us. I know they both wear symbols of that exchange ("collars") that we all feel deeply about as symbols of us as a family, not unlike the way others feel about their wedding rings.
I have not been able to bring myself to deal with the emotions of receiving those back, even though it is clear that that premise of our relationship together has become a lie, if it ever existed to begin with.
I do have choices as commenters have pointed out...............just not any I would ever choose to have. Those commenters obviously can not see the absurdity of this as an expression of any sort of self-determination or life worth having.
I have to choose at this point between living as my two and the courts mandate I live or I lose my family and will be imprisoned. I also have the choice no one ever seems to conceptualize of deciding life is not worth living on this basis. I find that equally a viable, and at this point, an attractive option. None of the others make any rational sense, other than they allow me to avoid my cowardice in the face of death,.....which too is no minor argument.
So I am at impasse.
My two have felt that their life would be perfect if I didn't drink, and was never violently angry. I am not drinking nor will I. I will engage in no behaviors anyone could even construe as violent. They have sought help from, and allied themselves with the police and courts, such that were I ever to violate their wishes I will be immediately imprisoned. I surely hope they are reveling in the joy of our new life together now 34 days old.