I Can't Leave

He and I ended up toe to toe and eyeball to eyeball over the weekend, because I tried to leave on Saturday afternoon.

It was me, being weak, and I am ashamed of myself.   He's been so wounded and so angry -- furious really.  Most of our interactions include not even slightly veiled references to the events of October 28, to my role in bringing those events about, to my failure to behave in any way that seems in keeping with the power exchange dynamic that has been foundational to our relationship.  Over and over and over again, He expresses His wish that He did not have to go on living this reality.

All of that hurts me; makes me sad; feels unfair ...  and, feeling all of that, I tend to become angry myself.  I am not nearly as good as T is in the face of all of this.  She is unfailingly calm, patient, gentle, sweet, loving, and supportive.  She always seems to know what to say -- and she seems to have some limitless stockpile of "right" things to say.  I, on the other hand, become furious, resentful, and frantic to escape the whole mess.

And so, there we were, faced off with one another -- both unwilling to bend or give an inch.  Except that -- I did not, ultimately, leave.  I am still here.

The reason?  He would not allow me to go.  He stood in front of me, clearly upset, absolutely furious with me -- and refused to let me walk out the door.  Perhaps I could have pushed harder, turned the whole thing into a physical confrontation -- but short of that, there was no way that I was leaving.

Today, I asked Him why He wouldn't let me go?  "Tell me.  Please.  It's important."

He told me, "I love you.  I need you.  I don't see any sort of future without you."

And I pushed and pressed and asked:  "Is that it?  Is that all?  I think there is more..."

He was mystified; had no answer to my questions, and wondered why I felt that it was so important.  Well, here's why:

I think that I am still here precisely because He insisted that I stay.  I am here tonight ONLY because He was unwilling to allow me to leave.  For seven weeks now, He's insisted that His dominance ended on that awful day in October.  He's repeatedly stated that He is now the submissive, and He's tagged both T and I as "His Dominants."  It is true that our SM play has fallen silent in these weeks, and it is true that He's not feeling particularly turned on by the spanking stuff that used to be His continual passion.  But DOMINANCE is more than that -- much more.  As grim as that confrontation was on Saturday, one thing was crystal clear -- He was quite certain that He wanted me to stay, was not going to let me leave, and had the absolute right to make that be the reality.

He might not like me much right now.  He is unflinchingly furious with me, and He surely blames me for making the decisions I did on October 28.  We are nowhere near a resolution of our feelings and responses around that crisis point, and we may not achieve any sort of peace over it for a very long time.  It doesn't matter.  He is the "owner" in our relationship and I am His "property."  I can feel as bad as I feel.  I can be all bent out of shape about how "unfair" it all seems.  I can wish that my apologies would fix things, and I can wish that my intent were taken at face value.  How that will all turn out, in the long term, remains to be revealed.  What is clear is that His Dominance remains, unshaken and unshakeable (and nevermind His protestations to the contrary).

I have an odd mixture of feelings about all of that.  I am astonished at the arrogance of the Man.  I know that I am, most likely, the only one who finds that part at all surprising, but there it is.  More though, I find that there is some comfort and reassurance in all of this.  He is not gone, not at all powerless, not when it comes right down to it.  His move to dominance may be at a low ebb, and I think that in this period of crisis, exercising control over me takes more energy than He can muster most of the time.  That makes perfect sense to me.

swan