This is text I wrote to Tapestry's comment in response to my previous post. I decided to elevate its status beyond a comment, to the level of a post, in that I think it includes information that I seem to have been unable to communicate effectively in any of my recent writing here. It may seem angry, and I certainly am having a great many jumbled, and very definitely, angry feelings. None of those are directed at Tapestry, who has been nothing but helpful and supportive here. Please understand that as a back drop to reading the following text.
Tapestry, thank you, once again for your interest and effort to be helpful and supportive to all three of us here.
I fear in reading my writing here you may have missed something I hope to make clear. I HAVE QUIT DRINKING. I had my last alcohol the evening of October 31.
Absolutely I have no desire, for myself, to quit drinking. That having been said, I HAVE QUIT DRINKING 34 days ago!!!!
I am sorry if I don't accept that alcoholism should be my issue. Which is it everyone wants....for me to accept alcohol as my issue or to not drink? I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!!!!!
I have quit for Sue. I have quit for Teresa. I have quit for the police. I have quit for the court. I have quit for my parents (whose interest in all this is questionable what with their being dead.) I have quit so my neighbors won't be subjected to brown shirted police wandering our condo complex carrying rifles and acting on shoot on sight orders. I have quit for everyone invested in wanting this for whatever reason. I HAVE QUIT DRINKING for everyone but for me.
I said very plainly in my last post that I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!!! I believe I've said it in everything I've written of late. I am not going to drink again. I had my last drink October 31.
I mourn this as a huge loss. I don't have withdrawal. I don't have cravings. I do hate my life for not being able to choose to live as I would and as I believe I should be able to.
I hate my loves for not being able to accept me if I drink. I hate the police for their role in this and for being cowardly thugs. I hate the courts for not being able to discern the difference between a psychiatric emergency and criminal behavior. I hate life and wish I had the courage to end it.
I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!! What is Smart Recovery or AA or some rehabilitation program going to do? Will I NOT DRINK twice as much? Instead of my alcohol consumption being 0 will it somehow come to be minus 100 drinks. Will it cause me to "undrink" alcohol I consumed before I quit?
Why is it not enough for me to just not drink anymore?
Rehabilitation Counseling is my professional academic back ground. Do you know the outcomes research re: alcoholism rehab.? 38% of people who spontaneously quit drinking do not undergo alcoholism rehabilitation or any drinking related treatment, support groups etc. 18% of people who undergo rehabilitation programs permanently quit drinking. 82% of those who undergo treatment cycle through recidivism and then treatment and the periods of cessation, and then recidivism and then further treatment. Alcohol rehabilitation is a scam, and it makes most of its profit on the failures of drinkers who undergo treatment to quit drinking. Most the drug and alcohol rehabilitation industry's "business" (and a huge business it is grossing
100's of millions of dollars a year) is tbe retreatment of those who have been treated unsuccessfully and who subsequently returned to using. They have absolutely no incentive to have their patients succeed in quiting drinking using drugs or whatever. If rehab. patients do succeed it is in spite of their treatment, not because of it, and even then, it is usually only after repeated treatment regimens.
The truth is you are close to three times more likely to quit drinking, and never drink again, if you do not undergo treatment, and do not participate in groups like AA. AA is predicated on promoting pity for poor drunks, and on having every one gather around the poor helpless drunk who is, after all, "powerless in the face of alcohol" and then love and pity him when he "falls off the wagon."
I am pissed, I am enraged, I am hurt, I'd rather die than be me, but I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!!!!!
WHAT IS IT EVERYONE, WHO SEES THIS AS ALL ABOUT ALCOHOLISM, WANTS FROM ME? SHOULD I START DRINKING AGAIN TO OBVIATE YOUR NEED FOR ME TO HAVE TREATMENT, JAIL, SUPPORT GROUPS, WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT FOR ME/FROM ME????????
I hate living this way. My issue is about 5% about the loss of alcohol....well this is an imprecise science....maybe it is 10% that. I don't know precisely. My issue is that I have no ability to choose my life for me. It is that I have no desire to live this way, and it makes me sick to remember just 6 weeks ago, when I was basically happy and felt like a man........like a human being...........like my life was worth something..........like I was loved and respected by Sue and Teresa, like I didn't want to die when the reality of my life becomes clear to me each morning upon awakening.
Tom
Tom,
ReplyDeleteNot to dump on you when you're down, but I'm sure from a better perspective, in a day or two, you'll see a lot of rationalizing in this post. Looking for ways to forgive yourself for drinking by concluding your position as a Man, Master, whatever, means you should have any option you desire. But where then is responsibility?
Congratulations on not drinking. Yes, I am aware of those statistics and know that the "rehabilitation/recovery" reality is dismal, still the goal is not deniable. Some people simply cannot have drinking in their lives, some people find any of a number of substances, sometimes even pursuits such as sex, has control over them, rather than the other way around. And that, My friend, is where things got with you.
To be in a position of having control over others, especially other's whose opinions you surely value, as has been obvious through the years, there is a responsibility to ensure you're not letting something control you, as the drinking has controlled your behavior, and put you in the unenviable position you find yourself. And as you do value these other's opinions, their minds, their hearts, over time you should have been listening to their concerns and responding then, in a more Masterly way, to circumvent this very scenario. And I'm sure you would have preferred this to have been the case, imagined yourself doing this. The fact it wasn't possible indicates where you let something have control over you, in a very damaging way.
That's My D/s view of this, anyway. Again, I am glad you've quit drinking. No matter the constraints that force this situation on you, it is still your own will that will make you succeed at remaining sober, or not. Everything else is just the mechanism of consequence should you not be able to do that.
Good Luck, Truly.
Magnum, MstrMagnum@gmail.com
the reason why AA and other such groups have high recidivism rates and spontaneous *unsupported* quitters tend to stay quit (I personally fall into the latter category) is that often people feel forced, coerced or railroaded into programs. it doesn't matter how many times you say you have quit drinking if you have done it for anyone other than yourself. i do not believe you will stay quit, simply because you have not reached the point where YOU WANT TO QUIT.
ReplyDeleteUnsupported quitters tend to quit because THEY realise how much alcohol is fucking up their lives. you have had no such realisation.
i am part of no cult, no program, no intervention scheme. i took a long hard painful look at where a life with alcohol as my companion was taking me and decided to change things. everyone's experience of life is different - that was mine.
based on my experiences with quitting (successful and otherwise over the years) you have to WANT it. a lot.
i wish you well.
I'm sorry for everything each of the three of you have been through. I'm not an often commenter but I lurk. As a lurker all I know is that the three of you have great love and respect for one another. It's been an extremely rough time for you all. I hope if anything need to be forgiven that you can all forgive each other and yourselves.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best.
PK
The truth of the matter is that AA is all about taking personal responsibility for your past, present, and future.
ReplyDelete