This is text I wrote to Tapestry's comment in response to my previous post. I decided to elevate its status beyond a comment, to the level of a post, in that I think it includes information that I seem to have been unable to communicate effectively in any of my recent writing here. It may seem angry, and I certainly am having a great many jumbled, and very definitely, angry feelings. None of those are directed at Tapestry, who has been nothing but helpful and supportive here. Please understand that as a back drop to reading the following text.
Tapestry, thank you, once again for your interest and effort to be helpful and supportive to all three of us here.
I fear in reading my writing here you may have missed something I hope to make clear. I HAVE QUIT DRINKING. I had my last alcohol the evening of October 31.
Absolutely I have no desire, for myself, to quit drinking. That having been said, I HAVE QUIT DRINKING 34 days ago!!!!
I am sorry if I don't accept that alcoholism should be my issue. Which is it everyone wants....for me to accept alcohol as my issue or to not drink? I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!!!!!
I have quit for Sue. I have quit for Teresa. I have quit for the police. I have quit for the court. I have quit for my parents (whose interest in all this is questionable what with their being dead.) I have quit so my neighbors won't be subjected to brown shirted police wandering our condo complex carrying rifles and acting on shoot on sight orders. I have quit for everyone invested in wanting this for whatever reason. I HAVE QUIT DRINKING for everyone but for me.
I said very plainly in my last post that I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!!! I believe I've said it in everything I've written of late. I am not going to drink again. I had my last drink October 31.
I mourn this as a huge loss. I don't have withdrawal. I don't have cravings. I do hate my life for not being able to choose to live as I would and as I believe I should be able to.
I hate my loves for not being able to accept me if I drink. I hate the police for their role in this and for being cowardly thugs. I hate the courts for not being able to discern the difference between a psychiatric emergency and criminal behavior. I hate life and wish I had the courage to end it.
I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!! What is Smart Recovery or AA or some rehabilitation program going to do? Will I NOT DRINK twice as much? Instead of my alcohol consumption being 0 will it somehow come to be minus 100 drinks. Will it cause me to "undrink" alcohol I consumed before I quit?
Why is it not enough for me to just not drink anymore?
Rehabilitation Counseling is my professional academic back ground. Do you know the outcomes research re: alcoholism rehab.? 38% of people who spontaneously quit drinking do not undergo alcoholism rehabilitation or any drinking related treatment, support groups etc. 18% of people who undergo rehabilitation programs permanently quit drinking. 82% of those who undergo treatment cycle through recidivism and then treatment and the periods of cessation, and then recidivism and then further treatment. Alcohol rehabilitation is a scam, and it makes most of its profit on the failures of drinkers who undergo treatment to quit drinking. Most the drug and alcohol rehabilitation industry's "business" (and a huge business it is grossing
100's of millions of dollars a year) is tbe retreatment of those who have been treated unsuccessfully and who subsequently returned to using. They have absolutely no incentive to have their patients succeed in quiting drinking using drugs or whatever. If rehab. patients do succeed it is in spite of their treatment, not because of it, and even then, it is usually only after repeated treatment regimens.
The truth is you are close to three times more likely to quit drinking, and never drink again, if you do not undergo treatment, and do not participate in groups like AA. AA is predicated on promoting pity for poor drunks, and on having every one gather around the poor helpless drunk who is, after all, "powerless in the face of alcohol" and then love and pity him when he "falls off the wagon."
I am pissed, I am enraged, I am hurt, I'd rather die than be me, but I HAVE QUIT DRINKING!!!!!!
WHAT IS IT EVERYONE, WHO SEES THIS AS ALL ABOUT ALCOHOLISM, WANTS FROM ME? SHOULD I START DRINKING AGAIN TO OBVIATE YOUR NEED FOR ME TO HAVE TREATMENT, JAIL, SUPPORT GROUPS, WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT FOR ME/FROM ME????????
I hate living this way. My issue is about 5% about the loss of alcohol....well this is an imprecise science....maybe it is 10% that. I don't know precisely. My issue is that I have no ability to choose my life for me. It is that I have no desire to live this way, and it makes me sick to remember just 6 weeks ago, when I was basically happy and felt like a man........like a human being...........like my life was worth something..........like I was loved and respected by Sue and Teresa, like I didn't want to die when the reality of my life becomes clear to me each morning upon awakening.