My "life" continues now in day 47. I continue to blow between 7 and 10 randomized blood alcohol electronic tests on demand each day to stay out of jail. I no longer am as enraged and as intent on dying as I was in reaction to continuing this existence. That development feels like a huge defeat. When I deluded myself that I had the courage and dignity to end this, I felt a degree of self worth and self-determination. Now that it is clear that I exist only at the whim of the court, the police and whatever it is that t and swan will tolerate lest they call 9-1-1, I feel such a sense of shame and worthlessness, I want only to not exist..............except that, of course, I lack what it takes to take that step.
Our interactions here between the three of us are more pleasant and much more affectionate. We are not continually fighting.......which means I am not fighting as continually. It became clear in the aftermath of Sue's and my confrontation last weekend, that she and t are pretty content with however it is that I feel, so long as I don't make life uncomfortable for them. The fact is I can be angry with them forever if I choose to, it helps nothing........and besides by what right would someone as despicable as I, have to be angry with anyone for anything.
I have 13 days before I stand before the court again for yet another pre-trial. Who knows what if anything I will have to do or suffer as a result of that. At least this time I will (at least at the beginning of the proceeding) not stand before them barefoot in only pajamas and hogtied in wrist and ankle chains. My attorney is hopeful, although he is unable to describe what a hopeful outcome might entail. It is entirely possible, and perhaps likely, I could, at the least, be mandated to undergo months and possibly years of electronic surveillance, probation, treatment by assholes who have no understanding of anything but genetic alcoholism, and who superimpose that projection onto everyone, and immersion in the alcohol-centric religious cult. There is a good deal of potential too that nothing will be resolved at this next hearing, but continued degrading and expensive electronic pre-trial supervision monitoring (my present status in that I am technically still "innocent") none of which may be credited against my eventual sentence......or diversion program.
My therapist gave me the latest in personality inventories. I came out as narcissistic, hystrionic, controlling, dominant, sadist who is currently experiencing, transitorially, PTSD and anxiety. I am always amazed at psychometry's amazing degree of accuracy.
My therapist is uncertain where she and I should go in terms of goals. The personality test was part of a diagnostic "fishing expedition" in that regard. It turns out that she has a good bit of experience working with people in jail and recovering from jail. She assures me my reaction is normal and not nearly as severe as many. She further tells me that recovery takes time and that my unique personality type (as documented by the peronsality inventory just completed) is prone to react with greater pain, than most, to the experience I have had. She has worked with me enough to clarify that she is convinced I am not a "genetic alcoholic." She thinks of course that the safest way of dealing with drinking is total abstinence, but is not convinced that I must absolutely never ever drink again. She, by the way, it turns out, is an avowed genetic alcoholic, who is now a moderate drinker, after 20+ years of total abstinence and has a very successful and healthy life. It will be interesting to see where we go from here, she and I.
We are on the verge of what appears to be a horrid Christmas. It is the first for me to include no alcohol in 41 years. It is not difficult for me to be restricted from alcohol for other holidays. They are all really just another day with super-imposed festivities of one sort or another. Somehow Christmas has always had this mystical wondrous quality for me. I guess I never recovered from believing in Santa Claus. This is really the first "healthy" Christmas for me since my gastric bypass surgery. Last Christmas I was only about three weeks out from recovering from my emergency bowel obstruction surgery and post operative complications. Then we sent sue out to Denver to visit with her new grand baby immediately before Christmas. She returned for the holiday feeling quite neurotic and determined to end our relationship and family. So the 2009 Christmas holiday was never "real" for me. Now I have the holiday with no ability to feast, no ability to drink, unless I want to be immediately hauled off to jail, the first Christmas since my father died, the first Christmas since my daughter ended our relationship, and the first Christmas since I lost my career, and the first Christmas I have been unemployed in 43 years. Too, there is the stress and sadness surrounding t's Mom who has just entered hospice care, and whose future is at best unclear, as was our situation with my Dad last Christmas. I wish I could just close my eyes and, if I must wake up at all, awaken again January 15, when all this is forgotten in the head long rush into the new year.
Sue is taken with my therapist's discussing what it is we need to do as a family to restore what we had prior to October 28 and the ensuing disastorus cascade of events, or what it is, of what we had, we want to survive this upheaval. Sue generally discusses this in terms of our need for us to return to our "D/s." I am stuck trying to imagine how we do D/s, now that it is clear that D/s means that she and t make the major decisions in terms of how I live my life, how I pursue pleasure, with whom I relate and how, etc. as has become clear over the past year. Sue is responding to this by saying that everything that has been posted here at The Heron Clan has been a lie, and she is going to delete this Blog.....to shut it down. I am feeling that what has happened the last 8+ years was not a lie for me. She and t can wreck my present, and have eliminated my future, but they do not get to destroy my past as well.
She has just ordered two books from Amazon that are written by a clinical psychologist who is purportedly the leading figure in emotion cantered family (couples)therapy, in families effected by PTSD. We are discussing the three of us reading them, perhaps to each other over the holiday. Wouldn't It be interesting if we are able to provide some assistance ourselves in untying this giant family "KNOT."
So that is where I am at present in all this. We shall see how things proceed.