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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


My Response to swan's Love Letter

I too love you and always will. My continual refrain to you "Mine Always and All Ways," has meant to me that we are one unendingly, just as I am with Teresa, and that the three of us are bonded throughout all time. I more than believe this. I know it as a fact, as firmly as I know gravity bonds my feet to the earth or that (unfortunately) each night is followed by yet another day for me to realize the reality that I am no longer a man.

I love your mind...your intellect, your spirituality, your courage in living each day as you do and in having me and us. I love your voice, and how you weave a spell of love, safety, encouragement, discipline, faith, values, information, and science into tremendous growth for your students. I wonder at how common it is for your students to demonstrate that you are, for them, one of those special teachers who remake their lives, and who they will always remember, and feel grateful, to have had in their life. I am so proud of your career as an educator. I love how you have made my advocacy yours (when advocacy I still had). I love the way you see the world. I love SM with you. I love sex with you. I love your cooking. I love your undying dedication to me and staying with me, serving me, protecting me, advocating with me, sleeping next to me, in a chair if that is all that is available to you, while I am hospitalized. I love your political beliefs and passion which is so congruent with my own. I love your writing. I love, I love, I love, I love, I love you.

It is great to remember the history we have had. I could not agree more that we share star-crossed paths. I do believe absolutely that you, t and I were destined to be who we are together. I too cannot imagine life without either of you.

My issue is I cannot imagine continuing to live. This morning I awakened to the 37th consecutive day living as I do not choose to, as I never have chosen to live, traumatized by memories of being subjected to treatment that would not be allowed for a dog in a pound, the gravest public humiliation and degradation, and knowing fully well that that will likely be only a small and brief taste of what lies ahead for me.

I am, as I sit here, continuing to wear an electronic monitoring device on my ankle which has me continually monitored so that were I to drink I could be immediately incarcerated. That monitor has so aggravated my diabetic neuropathy that my right foot has gone numb. They moved it a week ago then to my left ankle. Now my left foot is numb too. It is likely that in something like the U. S. version of sharia law I will be required to have both my feet amputated if I have to continue wearing this thing, for allegations of domestic violence and inducing panic my attorney tells me are without legal merit. Being tethered via electronics to the state so that they may come and imprison you for doing nothing is not a life I intend to live. I am told by my probation officer that his probation office's statistics indicate that, on average, anyone who has a TAD (i. e., the electronic monitoring device on my ankle) placed on him from their office, has it on for two and a half years at the discretion of the court. Of course, that is an average. Some wear them for shorter times and others for five years or even more.

You write how you loved my strength, courage, tenacity, optimism, ability
to see solutions to problems others did not, my willingness to take on any issue, etc. Yes, that was like who I used to be although you have certainly, in your love and devotion to me, enhanced my attributes in your mind, and I love you for doing that.

That man died October 28, in the Wal Mart parking lot, and naked and freezing in solitary confinement November 1, and standing freezing and shivering in court dressed just beyond naked, hogtied in wrist and ankle shackles, November 1 and again November 4. He died yesterday as I waited to go back to court at noon today, fully expecting I might be put back in jail, or at least be mandated to continue to be monitored, and forced into unwanted treatment, that I will have to pretend to value to not be reincarcerated, only to get a call at the end of the afternoon telling me that now they will not hear my case again until December 30. I died again when I woke up this morning to visions of all of this replaying again in my head and facing yet another day I'd much prefer not to suffer through. I have no feelings but pain and despair.

Our great love was predicated on our D/s. It was based on the belief that you were acquiescent to my vision, my will, my desire, my pleasure, etc. It was what you expressed desperate need for as you came to me. You specifically wanted that with me. It was the deepest honor you paid to me that anyone could pay another. It began to end this past year as increasingly you insisted that your need for me to stop drinking took precedence over my wishes and happiness. In that I was having (then unexplainable) increasing problems with alcohol related extreme intoxication, black outs, etc. (we had not yet put together the effects of the changes to my body's reactions to alcohol due to my gastric bypass surgery)and out of concern for you and t, I began working collaboratively to change my drinking....even abstaining entirely and working through research and planning to change my behavior to try to maintain my drinking at a very limited level. I even went so far as to switch with you disciplinarily (a huge trauma for us both) to try to achieve that accommodation of your needs superimposed on mine ( a very odd emanation of a M/s relationship.....but none the less ours.)

We were progressing on then with my successfully drinking within moderate limits until we reached October 28. That was the day my life stopped and shattered, and has never returned to being worth living since. You called 9-1-1 that day and reported me for an off-handed comment I made. It resulted in a massively disproportionate police response which was harassing, dangerous, hurtful and only barely missed my being jailed and our car confiscated.......FOR NOTHING! You repeatedly tell me that you had no idea that when you call 9-1-1 you get a police response. You continuously ask me to forgive you. You have been forgiven time and time again. Forgiving you does not end the wound I have. I am not well. I am broken. This was the genesis of this hurt. It had nothing to do with drinking.

You knew fully well that I have a life-long fear of and hate for the police, You knew that I have a great phobia of being taken away by the police. You know that I am continuously armed fearing that I might need to defend myself from the government's paid thugs (which is what police are) from taking me away unjustly. Knowing that, you initiated that occurring to me.

You were amazed and horrified that that experience, I have phobically feared throughout my life having occurred, I became devastated, felt betrayed, enraged, acted out violently against you, and self-injuriously, imagining all sorts of terrible things that might then further be done to me, and yes I drank. I violated my own plan to drink moderately. I was terribly out of control. I was violent. I was abusive particularly to you. You were terrorized. You were horrified. You grabbed t who was away for the weekend with her Mom before she returned and took refuge in a motel, and eventually after outrageously crazy phone calls from me in a drunken psychotic state claiming I had horribly intentionally hurt myself, called 9-1-1 again resulting in my eventual incarceration in inhumane conditions ( a unique approach to responding to someone in a suicidal psychiatric doesn't enhance one's desire to live).

You have then responded that your responsibility is that, I have been terribly ill for years and you should have "forced" me to get help. This is another interesting juxtaposition of a M/s relationship. You believe that the problem in this scenario is mostly my alcohol consumption, and my inability to grasp this is some sort of alcoholism disease model denial, reaction formation, and/or some additional defense mechanisms clouding my reasoning.

There is an analogy about a man who encounters a man crawling about all fours in the grass under a street light. He approaches the man and asks him why he is doing this, concerned he might be ill or need help. He tells him he is looking for his lost wedding ring. So he offers to help him find it and asks him where he was when he dropped the ring and when he lost it? The man who was searching responds, that he lost it ten years ago a mile up the road, but he is looking here, now because the light is better.

The reasoning that man used to decide on his search location is like the logic that the primary problem in our situation October 28 through November 1 was my drinking.

I am not drinking now nor have I for 37 days. I cannot honestly say I have quit drinking in that were I to drink, I would be immediately jailed. For me to say I have quit drinking at this point would be like a person who has always ridden a bicycle with training wheels saying he has learned to balance and ride a bicycle. Until the training wheels are removed he really has no idea. In that I am not free to drink, while I can say I am not drinking, I cannot honestly claim to have quit.

We have many conflicts that evolved between you and I in this process. One of the greatest is that you and I both insist that we want our relationship to be an
on-going D/s relationship, presumably a restoration of the M/s we have aspired to for the past eight and a half years. Yet, you have come to define M/s as your determining major aspects of how I live my life, and how we live our lives, and I believe that M/s, even D/s, requires me being in the leadership role...a despotic my case, I hope, a benevolently despotic role, but despotic none the less.

You have (and it being you I am not in the slightest bit surprised:) done some tremendous thinking and writing about our current status as a family, and what it is we need to accomplish to move survive.

You talk about our claiming our responsibility. I claim my out of control drinking. I accept that my drinking is unsafe. I am of course not drinking now in that the consequences related to it are, of course, unacceptable. Anyone would have to be truly insane to drink under these circumstances. I agree to not drink for a year from November 1, should I get out from under the court's preventing me from drinking. I do not pledge to live through that period. I am not at all sure that I think that life on those terms is worth living. I think continuously of ending this nonsense. At this point my cowardice in the face of death is keeping me facing the horror that is my realization of my life at the beginning of each new day.

I am not drinking now. I didn't drink for 9 months surrounding t's and my gastric bypass surgeries. I didn't drink for over a month the end of August and all of September. That accounts for over 11 of the last 19 months. Yet all of these issues have burgeoned during this period of time. So is the evil of alcohol so pervasive that it is effecting us even when it is not present? If so, I might as well drink should I ever have freedom to again. It appears that simply because it exists in the world, it will make our lives impossible anyway.

Yes, I love you so passionately that I will not live my life without you. Too, I loved my life before. I have no desire to live my life as it is. It is most likely that I will have further restrictions imposed on me by the courts. I cannot imagine myself accepting life on the terms of lenghty probation and/or electronic monitoring. I will not accept further imprisonment. I don't want to continue to live as I am, simply out of fear of dying and inability to overcome a well developed survival instinct. This may be survival, but it is not life....



  1. "That man died October 28, in the Wal Mart parking lot..."

    No... That man is not dead. You may have him bound and gagged somewhere in the dark depths of your psyche, but he is alive and well and brave and strong -- and he will kick your ass. I know him and I believe in him, and you will not win this battle.


  2. {{{{{{{{Tom}}}}}}}}}

    Please know that many here are holding space and pulling for you.

    Though I am not much of a bible reader, this comes to mind when I think of the three of you:

    "In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love."

    You have lost faith and perhaps hope for the moment...but my have much Love all around you. Hold on to that. You have been given not one great love in this lifetime...but two. So much more and real love than many ever know.

    This too shall pass. Your present is not your future.

    Hang on, please....

  3. I have to say this. You need to stop saying that man you were died. He did NOT die! He went through a horrible, horrible experience which may or may not be over but he did not die. You wake up to a new day and to people who love you and would do anything for you. I know each time you sat that it must stab T and Swan in the heart.

    You have the right to be furious but make sure it is directed at the right people. Swan thought the man she loved more than life might be ready to harm himself. You made the comment – I have no doubt now that you were not serious, but as a health care professional it should have been something you should know not to kid about when you had been so sad and depressed. So she was worried. What if she had blown it off and you hadn’t been kidding. So she did what we are taught to do from childhood. Call for help. I’m 53 if I call 911 telling them I feared someone was about to kill themselves I would have expected them to send a ambulance and if the police came it would be to calm the person down and protect them from themselves. So I know where she was coming from.

    Be furious at the police – they behaved like assholes! Not what Swan thought would happen! Don’t kid about suicide. Channel your anger to something useful – I don’t know what, prison reform if nothing else. I just don’t think your lives, any of the three of you are enhanced by you saying you ‘died’. Dig deep and decide to live for one another.

    I don’t mean to butt in or hurt any of you but you have been through so much together I hate to see you all in such pain.


  4. Impish18:08 AM

    Tom, so many care about you, myself included. Your pain seems so raw, and never ending, and your difficulties so never ending. BUT THEY WILL END and you will be free to choose what you will and will not do. You must not throw away every day of the life you might live because of what you see as an unbearable today, tomorrow, or two and a half years. You may be unable to make others do as you wish, but as long as you are alive, you are free to try new things, choose new realities until one makes you happy. Please, please, I beg you, remember the oft quoted: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The fact that you think your life is over when that will change, that you are no longer a man when you are temporarily chained, think you are no longer in control when you have the power to crush your family in a second shows that your thought are so very clouded by the depression and pain you are feeling. Again, I ask you to remember how very many care for you, and try to hang on, work with your therapist, and imagine a future where you can do as you wish.

    T and Sue, thinking of each of you as well, and just as I am so unsure what to say to Tom (although driven to verbiosity by worry), I am unsure what to say to you as well. Just know I think of you all, and send healing thoughts as strongly as I can your way - to all three of you.

  5. Anonymous10:29 AM

    In two separate incidents you said things which caused these two level-headed, thoughtful, intelligent women to call 911 for your safety and possibly theirs. You don't seem to accept responsibility for that and you continue to imply over and over that you intend to kill yourself. Should you do that you will leave them wishing they had had you involuntarily committed, for your own safety.

    It would seem that the police reaction to those calls was overblown and unprofessional to the extent of being abusive. And I agree that the police response coupled with the jail experience most certainly wouldn't be the way to handle a suicidal person. I'm very sorry you were treated in that manner.

    However, many of us have had unfortunate experiences with overly aggressive, power-hungry police. You get over it. You move on. It seems to me you are torturing yourself by dwelling on the whole experience. Figure out how to clean up this mess and get on with your future. You are still a man if you choose to be. Very few people have not one, but TWO women who love them. You have much to live for. Start today.

    There used to be a pill prescribed which prevented people from drinking. If you drank while taking that medicine you would become ill. I don't know if they still have such a pill but if so it might be an alternitive to wearing the ankle cuff which is a problem due to your diabetes. Alternatively, I wonder if they could just test you for alcohol consumption on some regular basis during this period when they want to monitor your alcohol use. They are not going to monitor you forever. Ultimately it will be up to you to decide whether to drink or not and how much.

    Given your professional experience, I believe you could contribute to the world in many ways. I wonder if you have considered some type of volunteer work. Helping others is a good way to stop focusing on our personal misery. Perhaps you could consider it.

    You have been through one trauma after another. But, such is life sometimes. Fortunately you have a good support system to help you through it. I imagine that losing your job as it happened could fuel a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment. And I can't help wondering what part, if any, that situation plays in all of this.

    Keep walking through this painful period, one day at a time. This too shall pass.

  6. Impish111:59 AM

    Tom, I wrote a thoughtful post that seems to have disappeared somehow. I suspect I pushed a wrong button. I'm afraid I cannot repeat it entirely, and am not entirely sure it's what will reach you anyway. The gist of it is this: many, icluding myself, care for you - you matter. While it may not seem so now, there is an end to this, and you may then live as you may not be soon...perhaps you are right, 2 1/2 years even, but then your life is in your control again to do with as you wish. You would throw away your tomorrows rather than wait? You say are no longer a man, but you are, you say you are dying each day but you are not, you say you have no control when you have the power to crush your family at any moment. It shows how much in the throes of pain and depression you are. As a mental health professional, you know that is not the time to make life altering decisions. Remember, the adage that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and please continue to try and work with your therapist for a tomorrow you can live with. It will not be easy, but you are a man, and up to the task. I am pulling for you with all my might.

    T and Sue, my continued faithful presence in wishing the best for all of your family. I am holding each of you close in your troubles. It's hard to know what else to say.

  7. Impish14:09 PM

    Leaving for almost two weeks without access to the blog. Hang in there, hold faith with each other. I'll llook in when I get back, but will not forget you while I'm gone...

  8. Anonymous8:55 PM

    Tom, all I can take from this post is you threatening to commit suicide. THis is not meant to be negative vitriol but a statement of fact. It is disappointing and at odds with the man I thought you were.

  9. This is scary! No word for days and I am so concerned. Did Tom hurt himself? Are you all okay? With Tom sounding on the brink of suicide I can't help but be scared that something horrible has happened to one of you. I hope all is well. Please give your readers some word on your condition.

  10. Anonymous4:04 AM

    You need to be on anti-depressants. If you are not, get some. If you are already taking them, you may need a different prescription. They should not take this long to take effect.
    The right medication will help you get through this time.

  11. lia, and anyone else concerned, I am still here and living thriugh day 42 of my "new life." You won't be reading more from me about this here. It has been made clear to me by my two Dominants that expressing my thoughtds and feelings here is not welcome. Additionaly, I am no longer permitted to express any thoughts or feelings at home that are not pleasant and happy.

    So I am fine for now, and please know that I feel nothing but happpiness and matter what happens.


  12. Tom,
    I am so very sorry you cannot write here anymore and so wish you would. This is as much your place to express yourself as T and Sue! You've all been through such a traumatic experience and your readers of so many years wish you all the best and most of us just want to know you are all okay and safe. I totally understand if you do not WANT to write and share all the details with us. Its a very private matter. But that doesn't sound to be the case. Are you saying you have been barred from writing here but would still like to? Would it be possible to let us know from time to time how you are doing somehow? You need to be able to express yourself, if not here, then ok. But you should be allowed to feel whatever you do in your own home in the presence of those who love you. Please fight Tom. Please know that your words over the years have helped me personally so very much. I was a young and struggling submissive when I first for this blog and you and Sue and T, your words and sharing, made me know that it was ok for me to want to devote my life to another. That it was okay to love more than a single person. More than any of the blogs out there, yours spoke to and still does today. I wish I would have had the courage many years ago to reach out to you and thank you for the way your sharing your life with us has changed mine. You very much effected me. I felt like I was 'home' when I first found this place. I wasn't a freak. I wasn't mentally deformed. What I was feeling and wishing I had as a young girl of 17 was ok! I could have this life and be happy. Someone understood and cared enough to show the world so that I and others like me didn't have to be afraid. That means so much to me. So for that, Tom Sue and T, I will. E forever grateful. Thank you. And please, please, please Tom be well and know you are loved and admired and looked up to by so very many.

    Love and admiration,

  13. Anonymous12:41 AM

    Tom I can understand your feelings. However, I trust t and swan to watch out for your best interests during this difficult time. Later you will look back at some of the words you have written here and see that you weren't yourself. They are caring for you and that is what they committed to doing, many years ago.

    You haven't mentioned the psychotherapist lately. I am sure you can speak freely there although I imagine a professional might challenge you more than you wish to be challenged right now.

    Keep putting one foot in front of the other. This will get easier.

  14. Tom

    I had the pleasure to spend a week with the three of you in Aug 2008. It was life changing for me and what I learned from you is still a very big part of my life, I have learned to embrace the labels masochist and submissive and rejoice in them.

    I saw many things in you during this time: a man, a devoted lover and husband, a talented educator, a passionate educator, a man with a great sense if humour, a dominant, a sadist and a damn good spanker!

    What I did NOT see was a QUITTER. Do not quit on Sue and Teresa now. You have all been through so much and this is just another (perhaps larger than usual) bump in the road. See it for what it is, just a bump, not the end of the road or a path to oblivion.

    Hang in there, you can survive this and come out the other side.



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