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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

12/05/2010

If We Share the Same Loss, Why Don't We Share the Same Grief?

Years and years ago, I taught prepared childbirth classes in the wilds of Wyoming.  Generally, that was joyful work, and I was privledged to share with many couples at the moment of their child's birth.  Sadly, there were occasions when things did not go as expected, and joy would turn to grief as an infant would die.  Learning to sit with grieving parents, I learned a bit about the vagaries of trying to navigate the grieving process inside of families. One thing that I came to understand is that sharing the same loss does not mean that we share the same grief.  It is particularly difficult, in the face of overwhelming personal grief, to support others in their own grieving.  It is not at all uncommon for families to fall apart in the passage. 

I don't intend here to imply that what our family is experiencing is at all the equivalent of losing a child, but we are surely grieving.  The events of the last few weeks have left us all devastated, hurt, angry, fearful -- and grief stricken.  We each get swept up in a series of events that happened in the same space and timeframe, but for each one of us the impacts of those events feel different -- and that difference has driven us apart form one another.  For the three of us, wrapped up in one another for all these years, the sense of being pulled apart from one another -- of sometimes pushing one another away, is a devastation added to all the other pain we've experienced.  I feel completely bewildered, and I imagine I am not alone in that.  One particularly good description of the challenges of shared grieving in families is here.  Kathleen Gilbert's paper describes, in detail, how members of the same family, experiencing the same loss, may find themselves entirely alone in their grieving. According to Gilbert,only an individual can have a belief or value or world view or an understanding of something.  She writes: 

"Families do not grieve.  Only individuals grieve and they do so in several 
contexts, one of which is the family.  In the process of grieving in the 
family context, each family member makes certain assumptions about others 
... one of which may be that ... their grief should be the same. 
Alternatively, some may also assume a shared view that their loss is more 
significant than that of others, that they have suffered more ..."


We are holding on, as best we can, to what is left of our family and our love.  We each want to find a way through this awfulness.  These last weeks have been a lot like three drowning people in deep water, clawing away at one another just trying to get above the water and breathe for a minute.  I think we are coming to understand, just a little bit, that while we have all had a part of the experience of these last weeks, our experiences are different and our grief is parallel but not exactly shared or, in any workable sense, "the same."  We are learning, slowly, to be a bit gentle with one another, and to at least try and believe that the other parts of the family are doing the best they can. 

Sue

10 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:56 PM

    Herons, I don't have anything profound to say. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

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  2. Sue,
    This is an very wise and well reasoned post. I know some hurtful things have been said in the comments, including mine, though I didn't intend it that way. None of us can tell anyone of you how to grieve or what path to take to get through this. I only hope that each of you can find your peace and comfort soon.
    Alice

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  3. I feel so very much for all 3 of you. I have nothing to offer but my support and understanding and respect. I wish peace and healing for you all.

    ReplyDelete
  4. As always, I continue to hope for all the best for all of you.
    There is no way to know what that best will look like in the future, there is only right now.

    Peace be with you ALL.
    Tapestry

    (PS - One especially meaningful card I received when my Dad died reminded me that there was no set way or time to grieve, and that I was to take all the time I needed and to not rush. That card meant more to me than any of the other 100+ cards I received, because it reminded me that I was unique and didn't have to conform to what anyone else said about healing and Loss. The sender acknowledged that there was no right or wrong way to heal, and that I was special, and my experience was as individual as I was. It's been 11 1/2 years, and I still remember that card, and the person who sent it. And I think the sentiment it expressed applies very much to the 3 of you in this situation. So for right now, just breathe, and accept, and sit with it all, and let it be. There is time later to work out some of the details. Take all the time you need.)

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  5. Rhonda1:53 AM

    "So for right now, just breathe, and accept, and sit with it all, and let it be. There is time later to work out some of the details. Take all the time you need".

    Beautifully written, and so true. Please hang in there. Give it time.

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  6. swan, you are back:) It is so good to hear (read) your voice again. I love it and you so much, and am absolutely not surprised to see such amazing insight and understanding comeing forth from you. It is as if you had returned from being lost.

    I love you,

    Tom

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  7. Thanks, all of you, for the posts. I realize there is nothing I have to offer you all except a willingness to read of your trials, the cyber equivalent of listening.

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  8. Master often reminds me....just breathe..it is good advice..take time and breathe. Baby steps are sometimes great progress...HUGS..abby

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  9. Impish19:45 AM

    How difficult it must have been to step away and write such an enlightened comment when in the midst of your family's trial. Wounded animals strike out in pain, and the more pain humans are in, the more we return to our more basic selves. Sometimes because we can't help it and regret it, sometimes because we can't bear to be the only one who hurts this much, sometimes tit for tat. What a mess we can be when we really can't see our way out. It all feels so terrible, and back and forth it goes. I suspect it is a bit like radiation fallout after the A bomb and must half-life down before healing can commence. Hold on, hang in, it is one foot after another time. Do not look to far ahead, perhaps just surviving each day is enough victory for a bit. Holding you all tight in caring thoughts.

    ReplyDelete

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