I wrote this in response to Sue's post (previous to this one) announcing her creation of a new Blog, separate from this and from me, to express herself in the future. I wrote it as a comment to that post but, when I attempted to post it, it exceeded the number of characters Blogger permits in a comment. (Imagine that..........me being long-winded.) Thus, I have turned it into the following post.
This action by you makes me feel the greatest distance from you I have ever felt, other than when you called 9-1-1, and, yes, that was calling the police to arrest me for no reason which was the precipitant of the cascade of events that has led to our crisis.
I have read your "new Blog" and, while it makes an overt pretense of being some sort of expression of neutrality in the midst of all this, one would have to be an idiot to not perceive the obvious passive aggression, of virtually every expression there.
Your rules for conduct there are absolutely a complete reactionary response to what you perceive me as having written here. I have had the temerity to express my feelings here on our Blog about our relationship. I am sorry. I am more hurt devastated, betrayed, damaged, wounded, and emotionally broken than I have ever been in my life. I awaken each day to not wanting to live. I am angry. I have dared to express that anger. So you have now created a Blog where anger cannot be expressed, other than as back handedly as you have by decreeing (inferentially in your "rules")I have "trash talked" you. I have sought no one's "siding" with any of us, nor has anyone other than a misguided few, whose reaction to all this has been so immature as to express that they were in support of You and Teresa, as though this is somehow a bar room brawl, or some sort of sporting event to root for sides, and not a family in crisis. Fault finding is of no value to any of us. That does not mean that there is not responsibility for our situation, however. I am trying amidst this to assume mine. Your insistence is that all of our problem is my drinking. I have stopped drinking. If my drinking was the gun powder of this explosion your 0-1-1 call was most certinly the spark. I have not drank since. I will not drink again....so next issue?
I have expressed my feelings on the Blog we have lived by for six years or more as the sounding Board and chronicle of our lives. I need this vehicle now to survive. I do not know how to express feeling angry, betrayed, hurt, paranoid, scared, and not sound angry, betrayed, hurt, paranoid, and scared.
I am most disheartened by your feeling that your life is greatly enhanced by my silence and withdrawal from you. If that is the case, what purpose could there possibly be in our relating further? Your silence through all this has been at least as profound as mine. You have made it clear repeatedly by rages and retaliation that you have absolutely no interest in hearing from me what I have felt and thought the last month and eight days since you began this crisis with your senseless 9-1-1 call. When I have occasionally, as recently as yesterday, attempted some mundane conversation about life in general, you have bitten my head off. You have not attempted to create any conversation yourself, but have remained at least as sullenly silent as I. Now I learn this is because my absence from you is life-enhancing for you.
You have asserted on your new forum, that is so "neutral," that I have never been told "no" in our relationship and so now I am spoiled. This is a blatant lie. You have said no literally thousands of times thriughout our relationship to aspects of our life great and small. I have modified our most intimate relations to try to help you deal with challenges you have faced over and over again. I have never violated a limit expressed by you, or refused to accept one.
Unlike you, our silence and distance is not life enhancing to me. It is one further devastating wound piled upon a whole series of horrible wounds that I have experienced over the last 6 weeks. I am sorry, but there is no behavior you can engage in, that would ever cause me to cast you out of our family. There is no behavior you can engage in that my love for you is contingent upon. You have interpreted my agony and rage as not loving you or wanting you. These feelings are in large part based upon my incredulity and pain at your role in all this.
You have asked me repeatedly to "forgive you" and, I have, again and again. Forgiving you does not heal me. My hurt and pain in all this have not even ended yet. I likely have years of hurt now to live through with the legal system, up to, and possibly including, further incarceration, but I am supposed to somehow just be better.
I am in the throws of post traumatic stress reaction. I have continual "flash back pictures" that invade my consciousness at all times of day and night of jail. I have panic, and huge fear, and I feel like having lost trust for the two people in my life I thought would always give me unconditional love, no matter what, I trust no one, least of all myself.
If you, indeed, are being truthful about having some desire for our relationship to go forward, this is not the way to make that happen.
I love you,